MY teen daughter is having sex. What should I do?

miamor10192007 · #1 Sep 18, 2009, 08:42 PM

My daughter is 14 almost 15. She has a boyfriend that is 18 yrs old. Despite my protests i havent been able to keep her from seen him. She went to live with her dad for 6 months at the beggining of the year. She was not happy living with her dad and came back to live with me. I spoke with her boyfriend and told him that i was against their relationship and since i cant be with her 24 hours they would have to go by my terms. If Ihe has sex with her with her consent it was still a crime. I told her the same. Today I found out theyare having sex. I confronted her and she didnt deny it. I told her that it has emotional and health risks not to mention pregnancy. She is so mad at me and wants to go back to live with her dad. I hate to see her leave but i dont know what to do. If she stays she will find ways to see her boyfriend behind my back. What should I do?

justcurious55 · Sep 18, 2009, 08:46 PM

you're her mother. it's not up to her where she lives. what is this 18 year old think he's doing with your little girl? sounds like you've been all talk and no action. get a restraining order against him. no 18 year old boy has any business messing around with a 14 year old.

artlady · Sep 18, 2009, 08:52 PM

Since you can't realistically confine her to the house indefinitely,I would be certain that she is on the pill ,or some form of contraception that she can remember to take and using a condom as well.
I would also look into getting her inoculated against HPV.

Living with Dad may make her stop having sex with the 18 yr.old but it is no guarantee she will not be sexually active with someone else.

I am not trying to encourage or in any way condone her behavior but I think she is going to find a way to do it and it is better to be safe than sorry.

I would also have a long discussion about self respect and self esteem and help her to understand the complicated nature of intimacy and what kind of a message is she putting out there about herself.

I do not envy you your position.

zippit · Sep 18, 2009, 09:25 PM

I would put some serious fear in this boy(make sure his parents know what he is doing),and the only reason im not saying turn him in for stautory <sp.check> rape is that i dont know more about him and what he may do to you in retaliation if your not afraid of that turn him in

give her the my house my rules treatment
along with what artlady's advise was
stand by it if she gets mad and goes to Daddy you cant stop that she will proubably find several issues in the future where she threatens that all you can do is show her you have her best interest in mind weather she sees it that way or not

Gemini54 · Sep 18, 2009, 09:25 PM

In Australia it is against the law for an 18 year old to have sex with a 14-15 year old.

You are the parent. Put your foot down and tell him that you'll report him to the police. Tell her as well.

Tell her father what is going on and ask for his assistance in dealing with her (and the BF if needs be).

She is a minor. You have a duty of care. Tell her while she's in your house she sticks by your rules and that she will live where you decide, not her.

Explain that you are doing it because you love her - she won't believe you but she needs to know.

mudweiser · Sep 18, 2009, 09:39 PM

No matter how many times my mother told me not to have sex I still did it.

If I were you I would:
-Take her to planned parenthood or a clinic. Help her get sex educated. Let the nurse talk to her about, diseases, AIDS, pregnancy and contraception.
-Get her contraception.
-Have her get a part time job to pay for the contraception. If she wants to make and adult decision to have sex then she has to work as adults do. Have her even pay a portion of your monthly bills.
-Invite the 18 year old boy over, have a talk with him with your daughter's father present if possible. Let him know that having sex with her can put him in jail for statutory rape. Let him know that if he is dating your daughter he needs to respect her.
-If they go out on dates let them go on group dates, not alone.
-Give her a curfew. Anything past 10 is asking for it.
-Make house dates, let the boyfriend come over, let them watch movies, but do not allow them to go in her room.

I know it's hard to think, why would I approve of this 18 year old kid? But the truth is she thinks she loves him, once she thinks you approve she'll eventually get tired of him. Really. Try it. Of course always keep an eye out and if there is bad behavior such as:
-coming late from curfew
-finding out she had sex with the boy
-bad grades

Then you should take away her privileges-- and also call the police if he did have sex with her.

If you keep nagging her to not have sex and threaten her with different things she will just sneak off with the boy and do it. Trust me, teens invented the saying "when there's a will there's a way".

Go to the clinic, get her informed, push her to get a part time job, get her contraception, and get to know the boy a little more.

...after all aren't you supposed to keep your enemies close

Good luck mom!

Sarah

CanadianCrook · Sep 19, 2009, 06:29 AM

^ Sarah pretty much just summed it up.

Your daughter by law is your responsibility and has to listen to her guardian until she turns 16. Unfortunately with teenagers, the more you go against them the more they go against you.

She is going to be sexually active either way with this man, so either get her on the pill or make sure they have condoms (make them pay for them).

Of course there is no guarantee that the condoms will be used so I would stick with using the pill.

If you haven't already, take her to a doctor and a clinic and make sure she is well educated. That is the first thing you need to do.

zippit · Sep 19, 2009, 06:42 AM

yes well put sarah!

I re-cant my advise on putting fear in the boy

that was the father coming out again!

and it does not work anything you do to break

them up only makes them stronger

redhed35 · Sep 19, 2009, 06:52 AM

i agree with all the above posts.

this is going to be a tough one,an 18 year old is going to get fed up with a 14 year old when there are shaprones present and rules attached...he will go of his own accord.

your daughter will be heart broken,shes going to need you.

if she sees you as the one who broke them up,she wont talk to you,and you wont know whats going on....

thread carefully,your involvement is going to require some devious thinking,whatever you decide to do..at the end of the day,you can balance the books by saying you did your job,and protected your daughter.