My spirit is dead, completely crushed!

monique_minx · Mar 31, 2008, 12:21 AM

I'm a poet and I can't even write my usual depressive anecdotes anymore, I've been abandoned by my mother, dumped by my boyfriend on Easter, backstabbed by my best friend of 5 years, my godmother died, my sister nearly died last year, my father nearly died last year as he suffered another heart attack, I can't work cause I can't afford to get there, I'm more like a mum to my two younger sister than their big sis and I'm just so very depressed and alone. I'm 18 years old, have been for six months, I haven't been out in all that time cause I can't afford it, I can't even listen to my music because my stereo's broken and I can't afford to fix it, I can't even see my friends cause they live so far away and are always so busy. I would still be drinking if I could afford it, I feel like I'm cracking up and I'm all alone...
My dad is working all the time just to keep the roof over our heads, every second week I don't eat so my sisters can (most of the time they can) I can't get into study cause we can't afford it and I'm so depressed no one will give me a job even if I could get there. Can somebody please help me?
I don't want to burden my family with my problems. I hoped by now that my father wouldn't have to work as hard but now he has to work three times as hard without mum helping to pay bills. I'm 18 so I get paid minimum wage no matter where I go, it's about $10 an hour and I barely get 20 hours a week! Plus I have my two sisters to care for since my dad is on nightshift four nights a week. I get $207 from centrelink a fortnight, like they think I can survive on that or something! I don't know what to do anymore...

monique_minx · Apr 7, 2008, 06:30 AM

I'm doing alright, I'm not sleeping very well lately though because my mind has been dwelling on this guy. I got an email from my ex and I realized just a few things after I went through it. The foremost of which was that I might not be perfect but he definitely isn't. He blamed things on me to make it easier on himself and that's just not right. I realized he didn't really know me at all and never took the time out to care either so when I emailed him back I said with absolute certainty in my heart that I neither wanted nor needed him in my life, I told him I don't hate him or love him though I did at one point but no more and that I don't particularly care either. He said he could never love me which should probably have hurt but it didn't, it didn't penetrate my heart because my reply was simply that if I can find room in my heart for everyone then the problem isn't mine, it's his.
I think I can keep this new guy in my life as a friend if nothing else, it seems I have always started out as friends with the great guys in my life and somehow we get so close that we each want something more and I'm not saying that will happen this time but I do hope so.
I'm not sure I want to start working again just yet as I want to resolve everything and be absolutely certain that I can start out and be happy about it but I want to know if that's the right way to go about everything?

foreverblue8691 · Apr 7, 2008, 10:12 AM

absolutely! it's good that you have distanced yourself from your ex. I am glad you didnt care about the mean things he said, because he is obviously not worth your time. Also I do believe good relationships can come of friendships so i think you are doing the right thing. btw I love your poetry and think sharing it is brave of you, I get nervous every time i get asked to share mine.

monique_minx · Apr 11, 2008, 04:21 AM

Thanks, glad to see I'm actually doing something right for a change!!
I'm not scared to share my poetry, it's a deep way of expressing how I feel about things. Most people don't understand it, they think it's beautiful but they'll never see it in the same way as I do. What they see as beauty I see as an expression of pain. I'm not worried about sharing it though because I know that they'll never fully understand it so i get to share my gift with everyone without worrying that someone might say "Hey I get what you're trying to say" because even when they say that to me? And they do I just reply "Re-read it and tell me exactly what I'm trying to say. You don't really understand."
It's like song lyrics, the only person who truly knows what they're about is the person that wrote them so don't worry about sharing so much. The only persons opinion that matters in the end is yours. For me? It's not about their opinions or even mine it's just my own way of expressing myself.

Chery · Apr 11, 2008, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monique_minx

I'm doing alright, I'm not sleeping very well lately though because my mind has been dwelling on this guy. I got an email from my ex and I realized just a few things after I went through it. The foremost of which was that I might not be perfect but he definitely isn't. He blamed things on me to make it easier on himself and that's just not right. I realized he didn't really know me at all and never took the time out to care either so when I emailed him back I said with absolute certainty in my heart that I neither wanted nor needed him in my life, I told him I don't hate him or love him though I did at one point but no more and that I don't particularly care either. He said he could never love me which should probably have hurt but it didn't, it didn't penetrate my heart because my reply was simply that if I can find room in my heart for everyone then the problem isn't mine, it's his.
I think I can keep this new guy in my life as a friend if nothing else, it seems I have always started out as friends with the great guys in my life and somehow we get so close that we each want something more and I'm not saying that will happen this time but I do hope so.
I'm not sure I want to start working again just yet as I want to resolve everything and be absolutely certain that I can start out and be happy about it but I want to know if that's the right way to go about everything?

My dear, the goals you set and plans you make to achieve them are your choice and I believe you should do what you feel is right for yourself. Take whatever breaks you feel you need that make you happy being who you are.

Whether anyone else can 'totally relate' to your poetry or not does not matter, we see pictures differently too - they are as individual as emotions.

And.. thank you so much for sharing your's with us. You are very good at expressing and an inspiration to those who cannot do it as well as you do.

Good luck dear, and please keep us posted.

Allheart · Apr 12, 2008, 10:36 PM

Hi Monique,

Just popping in to see how things are going for you? Any more writing you would like to share with us? It's actaully I gift you give to all of us.

Your writing is beautiful and powerful.

How are things going otherwise?

Always in our thoughts.



At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you will be able to: Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+ topics. Accept money for answers that you provide. Communicate privately with other members (PM). See fewer ads. Sign Up!