[emoXpixxie]

Hi. There are some things I do daily and have done for several years that I'm not sure are entirely normal, and I was wondering if they mean that something is wrong with me.

I think the weirdest thing I do is constantly construct scenarios in my head, almost like a TV show. They are usually based around TV shows that I am obsessed with at a particular moment in time, and have included Buffy, Skins and Grey's Anatomy, which is the current fandom I imagine things for. I find that I associate very strongly with a particular character (Buffy, Naomi and Meredith for the above) and then spend hours every day - on walks, before I go to sleep, on journeys, whenever I have time to myself - playing out different situations revolving around them in my mind. They can be anything, either based on actual events from the show or fabricated completely, but I do it everyday without fail. Often the scenarios are based on the central character having some sort of emotional crisis that results in them self harming or attempting suicide, and the supporting characters finding out and helping them through it. I immerse myself in their world for as long as I can without being interrupted. I tend to only be focused on one show at a time; once I become obsessed with a new show, the old one is forgotten.

I spend a lot of time thinking about suicide. Not necessarily attempting it myself, just thoughts about it in general, like which method I would use and how people would react to it. I don't think I actually want to die, I just think about it an awful lot. That's not normal, right?

Another thing is that I am very anti-social. I have friends, and I love them, and they love me, but I always feel this urge to turn down invitations to see them or attend social events. If I can get out of things like that, I will, because I'd rather be alone. If I do end up going, I have a good time and everything, but I tend to feel anxious around them and don't like to be asked personal questions. I spend a lot of time prior to meeting up with them worrying about what we'll be talking about and whether it'll make me uncomfortable. We just started university, and a lot of my friends are talking about how much they love their new cities and their new experiences, and whenever they do I always feel a little sick, because it's not like that for me. I like my course and I've made friends, but I don't feel like I'm as settled or as happy as I should be. It seems like everyone else is really happy with moving forward whereas I just want to go back and have everything be like it was.

I'm also terrified of relationships. I haven't been in one for four years and I think it's a self esteem thing. I constantly worry about not being good enough and failing at things, whether it's intimate things or just holding someone's interest. I often panic about being alone forever even though I enjoy solitude. It's very confusing. I don't like to talk about my friends' relationships with them because I get very anxious and queasy and will often try to change the subject.

So that's basically it. I just want to know if I should be worried about any of this or if it's just par for the course in growing up (I'm nineteen by the way.) I just seriously worry sometimes about not being normal and whether I should seek help. Thank you.

[Wondergirl]

You have a gift for introspection, a terrific command of the English language, a vivid imagination, and are observant of the world around you -- which all tell me you have a great future as an award-winning author. Are you keeping a journal, I hope?

[emoXpixxie]

You have a gift for introspection, a terrific command of the English language, a vivid imagination, and are observant of the world around you -- which all tell me you have a great future as an award-winning author. Are you keeping a journal, I hope?

Thank you, that's really great to hear. I am actually studying Creative Writing at university and hope to be an author one day! I do keep a journal, it's a requirement of the course. It's mostly full of writing ideas, though.

[Wondergirl]

Thank you, that's really great to hear. I am actually studying Creative Writing at university and hope to be an author one day! I do keep a journal, it's a requirement of the course. It's mostly full of writing ideas, though.

Write down the scenarios you create based on those TV shows -- great beginning for writing screenplays someday!

Write down the suicide stuff. Write down the social anxiety stuff. Write down the relationship fears! Write down what you ate for breakfast! Fantastic material that might lead into future stories or articles and books!

[emoXpixxie]

Write down the scenarios you create based on those tv shows -- great beginning for writing screenplays someday!

Write down the suicide stuff. Write down the social anxiety stuff. Write down the relationship fears! Write down what you ate for breakfast! Fantastic material that might lead into future stories or articles and books!

That's actually a great way to look at it, as source material that is. Thank you. So none of the stuff I mentioned is abnormal?

[dontknownuthin]

I agree that you have a creative mind which is good. You might benefit from counseling because you sound a bit dark and sad, depressive, and I'm concerned that you want to avoid time with people you say are your friends, who you love.

A healthy fantasy life is great but if it becomes an escape from your actual life, it can become problematic. It would be great to find a way to use your imagination but also find more balance as it sounds a bit too all-consuming, and like it's taking the place of your actual interactions in your real life.

It doesn't sound that different from people who get absorbed in games like Dungeons and Dragons, for example, where they get so attached to their characters, they'd rather be that character than themselves.

[Wondergirl]

That's actually a great way to look at it, as source material that is. Thank you. So none of the stuff I mentioned is abnormal?

Oh, I'm sure you can find people who will tell you that. If you are a writer, then no. (I will not begin to tell you about the thoughts that go through my head every day. You would hide under your bed. And I have been traditionally published a number of times.)

Think about Stephen King and his books. And Robin Cook (medical mystery/horror). And Poe. And so many others whose minds and lives went in bizarre directions in order to create worlds and characters.

[emoXpixxie]

Thank you for answering me. I will think about counselling as I do think it would be helpful, especially when things are so up in the air right now with university and everything. Thank you for all of your help.

[emoXpixxie]

Well that's a relief! Thank you. I guess us writers are just a little out there sometimes.

[Wondergirl]

As a counselor, I will concede that dontknownuthin has a good point.

[dontknownuthin]

My primary concern, obviously, is your preoccupation with suicide. Please talk to someone about this. It might just be a creative fantasy, but combined with your desire to be alone and some of the other darker imagery and so on is concerning. I see your name with "Emo" in it, too. I know sometimes when people dress in more of the emo style, it's just a creative expression, maybe to fit in with their friends or act out some of their interests.

The thing is, how we present ourselves, dress, the things we read and so on, do all impact us more than you might realize. If you have a really dark style, I would suggest that you challenge yourself to lighten it up. Resist the black clothing, heavy makeup - anything that puts you in the "role" of a sad, depressive, alternative (as in outside of society) person. You certainly don't have to look like everyone else, but consider whether the way you dress and present yourself makes you appear approachable to strangers, or if it sets you apart.

Work toward making yourself appear and act in a welcoming, approachable way. I think it will really ipact you in a positive way.