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mrsh · Jan 8, 2007, 11:41 AM

I like to check in on my daughter's my space from time to time. There was never anything worth getting fired up about. I was just on and read a conversation she had with a boy about what they were going to do sexually the next time they were going to see each other. I felt sick. She is only 14 and she has never ever given me any reason to believe she was ever doing anything like this. I need to address this with her. Any advice on how?

jonalisa · Jan 8, 2007, 11:51 AM

Sit her down and talk to her in a firm but caring way about birth control and using condoms. You can't be everywhere. She is going to have sex whether you want her to or not. Best you can do is make sure she is protected and make sure she feels comfortable enough to talk to you or come to you with questions or to talk.
She doesn't need to know you found out on My Space, but realistically, she put it out there in a public forum and that's not safe. You have a right to take issue with that.
You can let her know you don't feel she is ready, talk about abstinence, etc. Take her to the doctor and get her whatever birth control method she is comfortable with - because you want her to be prepared for when she is ready.
In the end you need to make sure she has all the education and tools to make the right choices. That includes open access to you without feeling like you're going to come down on her.

J_9 · Jan 8, 2007, 11:55 AM

I can understand that you felt sick, I would if it were my girl (she is 13).

First, block her MySpace account, a child, and yes she is a child (I have 4 ages 20, 19, 13, and 4), should never have access to a computer where parents cannot monitor every minute if they feel it is necessary. Our computer is in the family room for all to see and hear.

Now, this is how I would handle the situation if it were me.

You need to sit her down and tell her that you saw her MySpace. Tell her that she is 14 and that the majority of her privacy will come when she is an adult living in her own home, until then you are the parent and she is the child. Tell her what you read on MySpace. Let her know that you are ashamed and embarrassed that at 14 she is planning on becoming sexually active. Make sure she knows that sex can, and does, result in pregnancy and sometimes STDs. Let her know that right now she is too young to handle all of that and that school is very important and boys will come in time. But this is not the time. Most importantly discuss it with her open and honestly. Has she met this boy? Do you know him? Is it someone she met online? Do you know how old he is?

I have discussed MySpace with my 13 year old gal. I have let her know that while it is a fun place to "hang out," there are sexual predators who target that website searching for young girls. After our discussion we agreed that MySpace was off limits to her. Notice that I said WE.

mrsh · Jan 8, 2007, 11:59 AM

Putting her on birth control makes me nervous. I would feel like I'm giving her a green light.
I know she's not ready. She's only in the 8th grade.

Yes she knows this boy. I know him as well. They are involved in a music program together. She is well aware of sexual predators and her my space is marked private. I have a feeling this is going to be a long night.

J_9 · Jan 8, 2007, 12:04 PM

I would NEVER put her on birth control. I don't think I said that, I hope you did not take me wrong. NO WAY, UNUH!!

Now, tell me,
Do you know the boy?
Did she meet him online?
How old is he, or say he is?
Does he go to her school?

J_9 · Jan 8, 2007, 12:05 PM

LOL, yes, it is going to be a long night.

Now, one thing I want to say is Whew, you know the kid. Good it is not a predator.

Maybe after having your talk with her, you have a talk with his mother.

jonalisa · Jan 8, 2007, 12:06 PM

I understand. My daughter was 14, too. And you don't know that she hasn't already had sex. No amount of coaxing or discipline will change the fact that she may still go right out and have sex again. I could have stood on my priciples and hoped that I could change her mind but the possibility of her getting pregnant or getting an STD is all too real. The odds are not good. You have to be willing to take that chance. I was not.

PS. By the way, when I found out, she was already active. I was floored. I am a traditional Mom and was not okay with it. I spoke with her doctor and a therapist before I decided. They agreed. Do what you are comfortable with, but know that you can't be there every minute. What will you do if she comes to you in a month and says she's pregnant?

J_9 · Jan 8, 2007, 12:10 PM

jonalisa is right if she is already having sex. But you have to confront her to find out.

However, I have to slightly disagree with the fact that no amount of coaxing or discipline will change that fact. If the discipline is done in the right way, yes, it will change. How we discipline is different for every child and every situation. Since we don't know your child we can only give suggestions on how we did things, but that does not mean that it will work for you.

mrsh · Jan 8, 2007, 12:23 PM

From the tone of the conversation I could tell she wasn't having intercourse yet. The topic was more about foreplay type things. She does mention however that she was getting bored with those things. That was very alarming to say the least. The only promise that was there was she turned down his request for a "bj".

jonalisa · Jan 8, 2007, 01:03 PM

If she hasn't become active, it is likely she will soon. Do you know with 100% certainty?

Well, all I can say is that my daughter was active well before I knew about it. It blew me away. I had always mentioned it, tried to keep communication open - letting her know it was important to tell me if she was going to be active. Of course, I also made it clear that she was young and might think herself ready before she understood the ramifications, and that while she did not have my consent, I would be there for her.
Later, I asked her why she didn't come to me and she said it was because she knew I would disapprove and didn't want to disappoint me. She is a very intelligent girl, yet chose to have unprotected sex rather than face me about it. I also learned at that time that her classmates considered her a late bloomer. Things are just not what we think they are sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I am not condoning sex at that age, at all. But you need to face what you can and can't control. Things have changed and if we stay in denial, it won't protect our kids.

Good luck-
Jonalisa

J_9 · Jan 8, 2007, 01:12 PM

This is exactly why I say that each child is as individual as the circumstances involved. Some are like yours jonalisa, yet some are like mine (well at least 3 of them). They believe we will disapprove, well, hello! Of course we will at that tender age, but what is done is done.

ScottGem · Jan 8, 2007, 01:41 PM

Ok, I'm going to ring in here. First, there is the possibility that this is just talk. If you were able to see this conversation then you either have her password (a good thing) and she knows it, or it was in a space that she knew other people could see. So maybe the kids rigged this to see if the 'rents were paying attention. I really find it hard to accept that they would carry on such a conversation where they know other people can see it if it wasn't a goof.

Second, given her birth control is not giving her permission. But it could potentially save her life. If she has decided to be sexually active, then there is very little you can do, short of locking her up, to stop it. So which would you rather have happen, that she has unprotected sex or protected sex? I would let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you do not condone her having sex, that you do no want her to be come sexually active and that you will be disappointed in here if she does. But you also have to explain to her that her health and her future are even more important to you. That if she is going to be foolish and defy you on this that you at least want to make sure she does it safely.

I would also bring the conversations to the attention of the boy's parents. Then need to have some talk with him about statutory rape and other things.

And finally, I'm going to say something that I believe but will probably set some people off. I don't believe that being sexually intimate is necessarily wrong. It is my belief that the main reason to restrict sexual activity before marriage is because the family unit was designed to nurture children so to bring a child into the world without that family unit is wrong. To bring a child into a situation where the mother is not mature enough to care for it is wrong. To shorten a girl's childhood with having to care for a baby is wrong. These are good and valid reasons young people should not engage in sexual intercourse or at least unprotected sexual intercourse. But, there are other ways where two people can give each other sexual pleasure without the risks involved in intercourse. So, In my opinion its not wrong to be intimate, but it is wrong to risk having a baby before one is ready.

dgilmou · Jan 8, 2007, 02:57 PM

Originally Posted by mrsh

I like to check in on my daughter's my space from time to time. There was never anything worth getting fired up about. I was just on and read a conversation she had with a boy about what they were going to do sexually the next time they were going to see each other. I felt sick. She is only 14 and she has never ever given me any reason to believe she was ever doing anything like this. I need to address this with her. Any advice on how?

Before I can really answer was this boy one of her friedns?
Do you know Him? Well?

TheSavage · Jan 8, 2007, 03:16 PM

Originally Posted by dgilmou

Before I can really answer was this boy one of her friedns?
Do you know Him? Well?

Please do not be in such a hurry to post --If you had read though the thread first your question would have been answered:p

wizzkid89 · Jan 9, 2007, 12:35 AM

Scott, about your argument pertaining to the daughter trying to see some kind of response from the mom... I just can't get behind it. Mainly because fourteen year old girls, and I don't want to offend anyone, are not that bright. I have a sister that is sixteen years old, and her friends come over and I talk to them, and I have just seen the amount of ignorance that they possess. The whole age group in general isn't exactly "street smart", or possesses enough awareness to realize that someone might be watching...

My problem with birth control is this: While it is definitely the safer move, I can only believe that your girl will see it as you condoning her sexual activity. Even if you specifically say that you don't. But I would put her on it. To me the risk isn't worth the reward. I would say that you should teach her about safe sex, and hope for the best. Explain to her all you want about values and principles and I do hope she learns some, but like some people here said, she will do it with or with out your consent. It's better to have her protected than not protected.

Besides that, I hope the best for your daughter, and I honestly think that she is a good girl just caught up in the culture that my generation lives in. All in all, I wish you the best of luck...

mrsh · Jan 9, 2007, 06:36 AM

wizzkid89 hit the nail on the head. She knows I check in on her. She, for some reason left this stuff up. We had a long talk after she got home from school. At the end she admitted that she was thinking of doing these things.(2nd and 3rd base) She told me that some of her friends have. I also went back and reread the my space conversation. The boy was the one who said "done that so many timed it's not even fun anymore". She told me nothing happened that night in question and I believe her. I will however keep a closer eye on her.

ScottGem · Jan 9, 2007, 07:04 AM

Originally Posted by mrsh

wizzkid89 hit the nail on the head. She knows I check in on her. she, for some reason left this stuff up. We had a long talk after she got home from school. At the end she admitted that she was thinking of doing these things.(2nd and 3rd base) She told me that some of her friends have.

I'm sorry but I really don't agree with wizz here. Since you say she knows you check and based on your reported conversation, I think she left the stuff up deliberately (even if subconsciously). I think she is going through a tough time and didn't know how to talk to you about it or even to say no. So getting "caught" forced the issue.

Sounds to me like you handled it well.

strong__dan · Jan 10, 2007, 06:25 PM

Originally Posted by mrsh

I like to check in on my daughter's my space from time to time. There was never anything worth getting fired up about. I was just on and read a conversation she had with a boy about what they were going to do sexually the next time they were going to see each other. I felt sick. She is only 14 and she has never ever given me any reason to believe she was ever doing anything like this. I need to address this with her. Any advice on how?

I understand why you feel that way, but you also don't have a right to check her space like that, its her own personal stuff. But you should confront her and talk about it.

ScottGem · Jan 10, 2007, 08:32 PM

Originally Posted by strong__dan

I understand why you feel that way, but you also don't have a right to check her space like that, its her own personal stuff. But you should confront her and talk about it.

Sorry, but I totally disagree with you here. A parent has EVERY right, in fact an obligation to know all about what their children are up to. The parent is responsible for the child's well being. What would be wrong is if the parent did the checking without the child's knowledge, which wasn't the case.

I suspect you are not a parent, when you are, I think you will understand us better.

J_9 · Jan 11, 2007, 11:56 AM

Originally Posted by strong__dan

I understand why you feel that way, but you also don't have a right to check her space like that, its her own personal stuff. But you should confront her and talk about it.

Oh, I TOTALLY and STRONGLY disagree with this.

Originally Posted by strong__dan

you also don't have a right to check her space like that, its her own personal stuff.

Yes, she does, it is done in her house, on her computer. She is the mother she has every right to check on her daughter.

It is obvious you are not a parent. And IF you are then it is because of parents like you that some children act the way they do today.

They are CHILDREN they need guidance, that is what parents are there for. Too many parents like you treat their CHILDREN as adults and give them WAY too much freedom. This is a recipe for disaster!