[chicki]

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15 (we're both 20 now) and we've been through a lot and we've managed to get through it all including, strict parents, going to different hs, adjusting to going to a great college together, breaking up and getting back together etc. we love each other very much and we talk of getting married and all.. but we both feel that we are extremely young.o be in such a committed relationship.we both want to explore other things, but don't really want to lose each other. We already tried this before and he ended up going out with someone briefly only to realize that he wanted me back. I was so hurt that he was able to find a "replacement" within days that I was in a hurry to get back with him. I know college is time for exploring and I do want to see what else is out there.. but I can't seem to let him go. I love him and my mind is telling me that this is decision of breaking up and learning to be by ourselves is a great idea and will benefit our relationship in the long run. But, having experienced the pain of knowing he was with someone else, it scares me. I really want to be strong.. but I feel like the only way to do so is if just stop all communications between the two of us. But he's my best friend, I love his family... and he loves mine. We share a common group of friends and it feels like we'll lose so much if we break up. Should I follow my mind or my heart?

[fj]

Recent research suggests that the more (sexual) relationships people have had in their lives, the more prone they will be to cheat when they are married. Exploring other people is not likely to make your future life with this person better.
So make up your minds.
You either love one another or not. If you do, you should seriously question
What it actually is that you are wanting to explore. If you love each other it is a very bad idea to go see other people and it is guaranteed that someone, you, your boyfriend or the person you are exporing things with is going to get hurt.
You should question if you really love each other, or are just attached to each other, like you would be to an old car, or chair, that is comfy and that you don't like to sell.
I think you can't have it both ways.
You either go elsewhere, or stay together.
Wanting to make other experiences without the consequences is impossible and immature thinking

[chicki]

Thanks. That was very insightful. I really appreciate it.

[chicki]

Oh yea.. in answer to your question, I just wanted to throw it out there.

I feel like, what I really want to explore what its like to be by myself. Not necessarily date other people. But just be single. Just because somewhere along the way I feel like I haven't really discovered who I am.

You make a good argument, that I really should find out if we love each other or if I'm just comfortable... before that question, I never once doubted it. But how can you really tell the difference? There's no question in my mind or heart that I want him to be a part of my life one way or another.

When I was talking to my boyfriend about this, he said... I don't understand why we need to break up in order for you to figure out who you are. I don't understand myself either.

I guess, I understand that I should have my own "happiness" other than the happiness that I have found in being in a relationship with him. I guess the question now is, how do I do that. I am so dependent on him that I always want to see him and I always feel like I have to take advantage of any time that we can hang out even if it compromises my schedule or other commitments.

How do I become more independent?

[confused2504]

I was reading through your email and it appears to me that you know what you want to do but are afraid to take the risk.

There is no doubt in anyone's mind that you both love each other. But also since you have been together since you were 15, that is a very young age (and 5 years is a long time) and your right about not being able to find yourself because all you have known is being with your boyfriend and your life together, not separate.

If there is one thing I know is to always think with your mind, because your heart always leads you to pain. I think you need a break from each other and a break doesn't always mean "break up", which to me your boyfriend thinks it is. As he went and found a replacement. Explain to your boyfriend how much you love him and that by saying you need to find yourself doesn't mean you want to go out and pick up every guy in town. I think your boyfriend might be taking your request as personal and think you are saying these things because of him. He needs to understand that you have matured as a person, you are not 15 anymore and sometimes in life you need to go and do your own thing. If you don't then you will resent your life and in time, him also. Okay lets say you don't have a break and you continue how you are togther... whats next.. you get married, get a house and have kids. You'll have a holiday here and there but its hard when you are married and you don't have as much freedom. (There are bills to pay and responsiblities)
Also you have to ask yourself, what is it that you need to do to find yourself? Do you need to go on a holiday? Do you want to find a new direction in life? Maybe you should sit down and list the things you want to accomplish before your 30 and go do them.
In life sometimes you have to do what's right for you... if you want to find yourself then do it. Your boyfriend will understand. I believe that you are both very comfortable and used to each other that's its very hard to change!

Don't let your heart make your decisions your head knows aren't what you want...
In response to your independent issue, there is no guide book on this. The first step is what I said above, make a list of what you think you need to do to find yourself and independence comes with it.
Hope I helped and let me know if I misinterpreted anything.

[chicki]

He totally understands. He's such a great guy. He won't get hurt if we take a "break" but I think, like he said, what is it that I can't do (except for date other guys which in this case, not what I want) if we are still officially together.

Thanks for such a great advice. I think I really will make that list. I guess I just need to find the strength to actually do the things I have to do.

Again thank you.