[jackie1963]

Hello

I am so hurt I don't know what to do.
I am 40 yrs old and I don't want any games in a relationship.
I have been going with the same man for 4 1/2 yrs.
Yesterday I had a terrible migraine I was unable to speak with him on the phone. I got the message to him that I was ill with headache.
Today I called him and his father was there and he told me that Jimmy split... he went up to the familys farm!
He didn't even tell me he was going. I am so very upset.
Mind you this is a man that would not allow me to go to a hockey game because of his jealousy of my friends.
Now here I am clueless. He just took off without calling me all day to even tell me where he is.
I am starting to feel that the only way for this man to learn now his behavior hurts me is to treat him the same way although I don't want to play any games.
But isn't it the only way to show others how their actions hurt YOU by being the same way to THEM>?
I am honestly heartbroken, even his dad told me he can't believe he didn't call me to tell me he was going.
Meanwhile here I am wondering how on earth this happened. Last summer this happened when he took his son to the shore and didn't tell me and he promised me it would never happen again. But here I am at the same point. I am so hurt.
Any advice as to what to do ?
Jackie

[confused2504]

Hey Jackie,
Your right, you do get to a point of your are sick of the games and just want a straight forward relationship. From a outside point of view, he is playing games. Why? That is a question you will have to ask him. Even I don't understand why he has gone without telling you. The fact that he has done this before is just not good enough.
This man needs to do a lot of growing up. The fact that you have been with him over four years just amazes me with the way he is acting.
You need to talk to him and tell him straight exactly what you want from the relationship. To me it seems that he can do what ever he wants and when ever. But you are restricted (eg: the hockey games)
You need to ask yourself if you want to continue and if you are happy being with him. Im sure you love him, but love is not enough. He needs to respect, trust, and be decent to you. You are a lady who deserves that and you should believe that also. Don't settle for second best. All relationships need work, and if you love this Jimmy guy, then tell him and work out your issues and make your relationship work. If you are not happy and feel that things won't work out, then cut your losses now before you end up getting more hurt. I think it will be a shame if you don't tell him what you want from this relationship and if you don't open your mouth things will only get worse. I mean over four years is a long time, and if you walk away, then walk away knowing you have done all you could.
But also don't hang onto a guy only because you think there is no one else out there. There is someone for you and the right person. Just respect yourself and others will respect you. Goods things happen to people, and when you think that you have hit rock bottom, things can only get better. Hope all works out for you. Jimmy needs to realise that he has a wonderful woman with him and if he doesn't realise that then you will find someone who will.
Good Luck. Write back if I misinterpreted anything.

[jackie1963]

Thank you for the reply.
I have spoken with Jimmy countless times on what a relationship should be and how I want it but this behavior continutes.

I think that I should just not speak to him because I have learned in the past that no actions hurt more than phone calls and trying to get in touch.

No actions hurt!
I did write a letter with all of my feelings inside though and he should get it come Tuesday.

I did it that way cause I feel in a letter he's alone and taking it all in ALONE.

He will just LIE if I talk to him. He will tell me he "tried to call" blah blah same shi*t as last time. And you know what? Its all a LIE.

I personally think he does this so he gets his way (although I would have told him go have a good time) but I think that knowing how HE IS to ME he does this to get his way then he LIES to cover it up. This is because he KNOWS he NEVER "allows" ME out with friends.

:(

[confused2504]

Hey jackie,

You deserve better than this. If you have been in this same situation before, then it will keep on happening. I don't know all the details of your relationship, but if you find that there are more negatives than positives then its something you have to consider if its worth pursueing.

If he has lied to you, how do you know he will stop? Can you trust him? Do you believe what he says? If you answer NO to any of these questions, the relationship will never work, no matter how hard you try. You have been hurt too much and it will take a very long time for you to trust him again. You have to have a strong foundation to build a relationship on, and to me it seems you and jimmy don't anymore.
Writing a letter is a good idea, but also keep in mind by not talking to someone is hurtful to them, however, the problems don't go away. Also doing things in spite doesn't help either. Im sure he has hurt you in many ways, and its human nature to respond in the same way. I think you know the answer of what you need to do. It will be hard, but you will get through this. Maybe you need a bit of time to yourself to get your thoughts together. Good Luck. All will work out for you, its just takes time.

[jackie1963]

Well all guess what>?
GOOD FOR ME!
Jim called this morning like nothing happened.
I told him Hey just leave me alone. Ya want to live the single life you got it man!

He tried to TWIST THINGS in his favor.
"well I didnt hear from you blah blah"
SO I stood MY GROUND and I told him
"you knew i was SICK when you LEFT and IF you had ONE iota of CARING you would not have done that. You would have stayed long enough to hear from me to see that I was Ok. ALso I told him this is simply an excuse and it isnt working this time. This isnt the first time at all. BUT I am making sure its the LAST.
When someone loves you and you are ill they dont just take off to go have a good time. They check in to see how you are. THAT is CARING.
Then he made some lame excuse that he *tried* to call and I said *nope you didnt call me"! He kept LYING saying that he did. THEN I mentioned the drugs and told him *maybe THAT is why you are so screwed up maybe you believe you did indeed call me" and I want no part of that either. SO PACK YOUR BAGS and go away for a MONTH if you want and have a good time!
Then I gently hung up.
The game is over. I told him to enjoy his single life.
Man it was hard to go guys but I DID IT!
HUGS
JACKIE

[confused2504]

Good one you jackie.

You are a strong women for standing your ground. You told him straight and if you feel relieved and stress free, you know you did the right thing.

He will now be in shock. But be strong and know he didn't treat you right and stick to your guns. No man gets away with treating people like crap.

I really hope all work outs for you. Im really glad that you built of your courage and put yourself first and not jimmy. Also speaking from experience, its best not to get involved further with people who do drugs. Nothing good EVER comes from that. Stay as far away as possible.

Good Girl, you should be proud of your courage and now take abit of time to do what makes YOU happy. Enjoy your life and good things will be waiting for you, its just a matter of walking around the right corner.

[jackie1963]

Thank you so much.

I really needed that support.

My stomach stopped jumping today and i don't have a headache!

Even tho he tried to twist things in his favor (of course) with comments like "SORRY THATS HOW U FEEL" i stood strong and said "DAMN STRAIGHT THATS HOW I FEEL..NOW PACK UR BAGS!"

Ahh ya know what?

After 4 1/2 years my friends are so happy that i am "ALLOWED" to go out with them and i am getting a babysitter whoo hooo!! And saturday im going out of the house! First time in 4 1/2 years! Wow i feel like someone just took a key and got me out from behind bars!

Im not sitting in pondering the situation i did that for 6 days and im not torturing myself any longer! Besides i know the bastard knows that everything i told him is true.

He is nothing without me... let him go get high!

Hugs
And gratitude
Jackie

[Jahiem28]

Hi Welcome to freedom.  It seems to me that you were in a unhealthly relationship for 4 and half years.  Anyone who is jealous of your friends and do not want you do go to a social event is bad news.  I know it hurts and no one want to start over but we have a responsibility to ourself to be happy on all levels of our life.  There is no restitution for the time you put in but you have a peace of mind.  In a relationship it a team which means we do everything together so if I want to go out town out of respect and love I need to tell you of my plans.  GOOD LUCK TAKE CARE
the sun will rise tomorrow to give vision on what you lose today.

[fj]

I totally agree with everything said before.
Now you have made the first important step, keep going.
He will probably make an attempt to get back with you.
Be nice, cry, promise you the world etc. Do not fall for that once the first euforia is over. It may be that you get sentimental after a couple of weeks and remember any good thing he did in the past. Do not have contact with him and write down a list of things that are bad about him.
Put this list next to your phone. If he should call and try to make ammends, look at the list and hang up. Same thing if he shows up at your door.

Good luck, you are far better of without him