[sophiaaugust]

Hello!

Some background is needed, but I don't want to make the entry toooo long.

The summer before my freshman year in high school I was raped by a acquaintance that was a senior at my same high school. I never reported it to the police and up until about a year ago, the only people who knew were the guy that did it, and two friends that came in and helped me. I just now finished my freshman year in college and I have now shared the incident with a female mentor and my boyfriend of 5 months. After it happened I developed a strong fear and disgust with men, I didn't want to be touched by ANY male and I avoided drawing male attention to myself (baggy clothes, sports bras, no makeup). It caused a lot of problems with my family as I didn't want even my father or brother to hug me and they asked me on more than one occasion if I had been sexually assaulted. I always denied it. I went on dates with a couple of very persistent guys in high school, and there was one that I was crazy about, but my barriers always caused things to end.

Now I am in a relationship with an incredibly caring, sweet, thoughtful, intelligent, hardworking guy who thinks I am the most amazing person in the world... but I am messing it up! He is 25 and has always dated women ages 28-35. He didn't pressure me to have sex, but I wanted to and he is the first guy I chose to have sex with. But I did it more for him than for me. I care about him a lot and I trust him, but I just don't like to be affectionate. I do enjoy sex, but not the whole cuddling and kissing my neck, etc that comes with it. I don't know if it is just the way I was born (to not be affectionate) or if I am subconsciously trying to push him away or something. But he thrives on hugging, kissing, cuddling, spooning, massaging, etc. And we keep having the same fight over and over again. He gets angry that I don't want to be touched all the time. I know he is not wrong to want to hug me, but am I supposed to just pretend I enjoy it? I keep telling him it is not a reflection of how I feel, its just programmed into me.

So the question is...
What should I do? Just clench my teeth and be all cuddly?
Is it in people's genetic makeup to not be touchy feely, or is this some subconscious way of telling me that I don't like him?
Does he have the right to keep getting angry with me? Should we just break up?

Thanks for any input! I feel like I have the emotional development of a 13 year old because of so many years of barely interacting with males and this being my first "real" relationship.

[talaniman]

I have always felt, no matter the issue, couples should communicate, and be willing to work together, to solve their problems, and maybe you both could stand a dose of both, communicate and work together. Compromise is a key tool in a healthy relationship, and if your not willing to do that, this will end soon.

Maybe finding out more about yourself, your likes, and dislikes, will better prepare you to be in a healthy relationship, but as of now, I don't think your very compatible.

[N0help4u]

If you are having a problem because of the rape you need to come to really understand that you have to come to terms and distinguish the difference between somebody that loves you and someone that abused you.
You really should get some rape crisis counseling otherwise you may have a hard time ever knowing if it is possible for you to have a good healthy fulfilling relationship.
Call a rape crisis center and see where you can get counseling.

[Ash123]

Being physically affectionate is normal.

I'd take some time with a counselor to explore how to enjoy this level of intimacy.

[sophiaaugust]

I feel like I am finally stronger than the incident and that I am done with it. I rediscovered my woman-ness and I like feeling pretty and sexy. And I am interested in guys again! So I guess the not being affectionate is just going to always be a part of me.. Is it not fair to ask him to just not be so touchy? Or are we just too different?
Thanks for the advice!

Sophie

[N0help4u]

You may be too different. If you love him enough you need to find a compromise and work it out. Eventually maybe you will warm up to more affection. Do you realize how many girls would love a more affectionate guy so really consider yourself blessed.
As far as a compromise tell him when you hate to be touched most like if you are busy concentrating or cleaning, morning, evening, in a bad mood, whatever and ask him to respect that and other than your specified times try to be more open to his affection.

[talaniman]

COMPROMISE!! That's the only fair thing to do!

[Janmarie]

Rape is a physical and emotional trauma and in a trauma situatuion counseling is highly recommended no matter how long ago it was. You were victimized once but you don't have to be a victim for the rest of your life you can become the victor only by freeing yourself.

I am not sure as to what answers you are really asking for but I believe you to be a smart person and possibly already know but I have a couple questions.

Do you want to be able to let yourself go and enjoy him touching, hugging, kissing, spooning and getting close to you? Because that is what a relationship is all about being vulnerable to each other and getting close to each other.

Or are you looking for an answer that will validate you as a victim of a past incident that has nothing to do with your current boyfriend?

[Ash123]

I feel like I am finally stronger than the incident and that I am done with it. I rediscovered my woman-ness and I like feeling pretty and sexy. And I am interested in guys again! So i guess the not being affectionate is just going to always be a part of me....? Is it not fair to ask him to just not be so touchy? Or are we just too different?
Thanks for the advice!

sophie

Re: above posters - see quote:

Apparently there was a miraculous conversion...

[JBeaucaire]

Liking your guy was only the start. Now, you're trying to figure out if you'll be happy together forever.

How happy will you make a guy who clearly has different physical needs than you? You'd be OK making him live without that for the rest of his life?

I hope not.

[sophiaaugust]

To clear things up- I let the past get to me for years, but after finally talking to a friend about it, I realized I really needed to let it go. And I met my boyfriend very randomly and immediately felt a comfort level with him that I hadn't felt in a long time... so I guess it was kind of a miraculous conversion.

And I know I am really confused, which only makes it more confusing to those trying to help me, but I guess what I am really trying to figure out (and some of you have answered) is if it is ever normal for a woman to just not be an affectionate person?

It seems like such a simple answer to compromise! And you guys have good ideas to try it out.
So because he is my boyfriend he has a right to touch my body freely?

and I definitely feel like it was a cruel twist of fate that we ended up together since many girls wish their boyfriends were more like him, and many guys probably wish they had a girl that wasn't as cuddly as most girls tend to be
and I would be happy with the relationship if he was just okay with our current level of affection, but I know he's not, and that's why I am trying to figure stuff out

jbeaucaire- I feel like he should be with someone that is more affectionate, but he won't take that as an answer. He feels like its just a untrue way out for me.

as for seeing a counselor- I actually asked my parents if they would pay for it but they refused (too expensive and they didn't want it in their records), and I inquired about it at my community college but all they have is a one-time session for people that lose a family member. I don't have health insurance and I am struggling as it is- any suggestions?

[Ash123]

To clear things up- I let the past get to me for years, but after finally talking to a friend about it, I realized I really needed to let it go. And I met my boyfriend very randomly and immediately felt a comfort level with him that I hadn't felt in a long time...so I guess it was kind of a miraculous conversion.

And I know I am really confused, which only makes it more confusing to those trying to help me, but I guess what I am really trying to figure out (and some of you have answered) is if it is ever normal for a woman to just not be an affectionate person?

It seems like such a simple answer to compromise! And you guys have good ideas to try it out.
So because he is my boyfriend he has a right to touch my body freely?

and I definately feel like it was a cruel twist of fate that we ended up together since many girls wish their boyfriends were more like him, and many guys probably wish they had a girl that wasnt as cuddly as most girls tend to be
and i would be happy with the relationship if he was just okay with our current level of affection, but I know hes not, and thats why i am trying to figure stuff out

jbeaucaire- I feel like he should be with someone that is more affectionate, but he wont take that as an answer. he feels like its just a untrue way out for me.

as for seeing a counselor- I actually asked my parents if they would pay for it but they refused (too expensive and they didnt want it in their records), and I inquired about it at my community college but all they have is a one-time session for people that lose a family member. I don't have health insurance and I am struggling as it is- any suggestions?

GREAT.

You are working... See, the mind and body and relationships require work just like anything... college, career, hobby. Really.

OK, so you askd your parents. They may not want it on their records or to pay for it.. but non-medically recorded counseling via a university is an option. Are you in school?

I have to ask the following again to be clear:

1. and verbal or physical abuse you can recall growing up?
2. any violence growing up?
3. any shyness issues that you are dealing with?
4. again, your age?
5. only you can say where you like to be touched. It's your decision. Is it that it is in public or just anywhere?

[talaniman]

So because he is my boyfriend he has a right to touch my body freely?

Maybe he shouldn't be your boyfriend, just your friend. Hard to not want to show affection, when you have a sex connection.

Are you unwilling to compromise?

[Janmarie]

re: above posters - see quote:

Apparently there was a miraculous conversion.....

There is some changes she is experiencing but if you read the entire post there are still some underlying issues that could be blocking the intimacy in this relationship.

Without the true intimacy it is nothing more then a "friends with benefits" relationship. The man in this situation obviously wants that intimacy and is initiating it. If he doesn't feel fulfilled or satisfied then he will find it in someone else. Because this is who he is...he is an affectionate man.

If you are just not affectionate and are repulsed by being truly intimate with him then you really do need to talk....chances are he will say that this is him, this is how he is and he would not be happy in a relationship where he wants to share this with someone who will never appreciate it.

So if it were me in this situation and I really care about him I would have to let him go so he could find that person who will appreciate his lovingness. And you can find that person who is less giving in this area.

[N0help4u]

I agree with Talaniman and others IF you can not work out a comfortable compromise then maybe he should not be your boyfriend because in marriage yes he should be able to be freely affectionate to you except when you say 'Not now honey' and that should NOT be a consistent constant not now. He has feelings and he has needs too and to shut down affection is being selfish so if you can't handle putting out at a compromise maybe you should tell him to find somebody else.

[Synnen]

You need to contact a rape crisis center in your area.

Often, they will have free counseling--and you NEED it. You may think you've made huge strides in recovering from rape--but the fact that you feel that your boyfriend touching you any time he wants to is an invasion proves otherwise.

Touching is PART of expressing affection. Yes, it's possible for some people to just not be touchy-feely people, but guess what? Your option if that's what you decide you are (a non-affectionate showing person) is to break up with this guy and let him find someone more compatible to his likes.

Or---you can get your butt to a counselor. Some will be free, some will charge on a sliding scale.

Free yourself, woman. You are still bound to one bad experience in your life, and you'll need help to free yourself.

[N0help4u]

Free yourself, woman. You are still bound to one bad experience in your life, and you'll need help to free yourself.
Exactly have to spread the rep
But that is what I think is the root of the problem she doesn't realize how deeply being raped has effected her and she needs to go through rape counseling
She either needs to get closer to his level of affection or break up.

[Janmarie]

If you don't seek help for what happened to you then you are missing out on so much. Being in the emergency medical field I see a lot of this and identifying yourself with the past is limiting you from truly experiencing all the wonderful things a relationship is offering you. Be victorious in your life :-)

[kp2171]

Sophia,

Glad you came here for help. That shows you are taking control of your life. You're probably a lot stronger than you believe.

I'm sorry your parents won't help you through this time with counseling. Its short sighted on their part. Yes, its money, but really... until you come to some peace with your past, its always going to be there lurking. As the husband of a woman who was raped (as was her sibling), and then again later raped when pregnant, and who worked her way through things on her own, I can tell you it can be done by yourself.. but its an easier process when you have someone to talk to who is trained in giving you the skills and tools you need to work through it. Having been to a counselor once myself, working through a about of depression, I can tell you I hated making the appointment, hated waiting in the lobby, and I felt better walking out afterwards. At some time, when you can do it yourself, you might want to consider talking to a counselor. Its not a waste of money or time.

In the meantime, you can also help yourself by visiting your local library. There are great books available for free concerning self help and help through relationships... and the best time to read these is before there is a problem.

As for your boyfriend, the very best thing you both can do is to talk and to find middle ground. My sexual drive is stronger than my partners... but so is my need for skin on skin. I love to touch her and run my hands over her body. Its how I'm wired.

So... she tries to understand I love my hands on her, its comforting to me, its safe, its secure... I try to understand when she pulls away or says "im too sensitive" that it isn't about desire for her... sometimes she needs her space. Needing personal space to decompress after a hard day is not the same thing as denial or rejection.

I'm notorious for recommending the latest book I've read here... my latest one is Chapman's Five Love Languages. Talks about how couples express commitment through different acts... such as acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and quality time.

The more you can build your relationship using all of these areas, the stronger the foundation. If physical touch is emphasized too much, then there is instability when you are sick or tired or needing space.

Its an easy read, one you can highlight and mark the points you find useful, and then pass it onto your partner. Tell him you are working through your noise and you'd like him to read the book and see what he thinks.

Sharing interesting and useful books about sex, communication, money, relationships, etc... is an easy way to talk about the relationship without facing problems head on... meaning it's a more passive way to address the common needs of a relationships without saying "we have a problem"...

Granted, some may not be receptive to this approach... but its an interesting angle to take, one that I've found helpful.

In the end, I'm still wanting my hands on my partner all the time, and she's still needing some space much of the time. When I push the issue she knows I'm not trying to pester her, I'm needing her touch. When she pushes back I do my best to understand she loves and desires me, she just needs some room.

It takes honest, transparent communication.

[N0help4u]

Also if you go through rape crisis counseling I think it would be free or they would give you some kind of grants so you do need to call them and ask questions.

I Know when I was raped I was really strong and made it through because I have been through so much more than the average person or even more than many people that have had it hard as it is, but I think the intended target was my (at the time 18 yr old) daughter and all I could think of was if it had been her how much emotional problems it would have caused her.
Also sometimes you can be really strong within yourself but it can work against you because you think you are super human in your emotions and do not see the underlying problems you are trapping within yourself that end up effecting how you relate to others.