[allmythoughts]

Well I guess the real question is if I shall leave him or not.
It has been a while that sex has been a difficult matter, and I feel like either I it or I leave, but...
We have a child together and also he's so important to my 14 year old son and other parts of living together are so nice...
But than again, it really hurts so much to be rejected so often and being told that it's because I'm just not attractive cause I' m aggressive and nagging all the time. I'm not aggressive, I do complain sometimes, but I'm not aggressive. And I tried everything. Like not talking about the issue for longer times, not pushing, being nice to him... All my sexual attempts get at the most anserwed with, "ok, you can be nice to me..." but nothing in return.
I've been through all that self doubt crap about the way I look or whatever might be the reason. It hasn't always been like that, but it's been so long now.
I don't want suddenly ten years pass by and than I realize I had sex twice a year and turned into a nagging old b...
But the only other option is leaving... and I guess I'm not ready for this.
Maybe I just need some loving words, or someone who explains me why man can be like this?
He is not a good talker, in fact he's terrible in communication and he thinks all self help books or therapies or whatever is for others not for him. He hasn't got a problem.
I sometimes hate him for this, but I guess it's just this disaster of not being able to go away or tunring all back to how it used to be...
He used to adore me and do anything, I'm so missing this times. And I haven't done anything that justifies this change.
Anyway this is my first day at this forum and my first forum membership, I'm feeling all funny about sending this personal matter out into the world to many "strangers", but I know I'm not the only one.
Looking forward to answers and comments. Thanks

[George_1950]

Welcome to Ask Me Help Desk. Just two thoughts: Perhaps you have been to a marital/relationship counselor already, but I think you should talk to him about the several points you have made here, especially, "...I guess it's just this disaster of not being able to go away or turning all back to how it used to be...He used to adore me and do anything, I'm so missing this times." Find the best mediator in your area by getting a referral, perhaps from a pastor (in a large church), priest, or rabbi. And invite your husband, more than once. If he refuses, I think you will have a good idea about what to do.
Also, as to timing, I wouldn't stir this hornets nest as long as there is no abuse and a child is involved. Since he is 14, you will not have to wait much longer. The other side of that is, the child is not exposed to a loving relationship. But I wouldn't want my child to have two dads or two moms.

[talaniman]

A few questions, if you will, do you work, and what kind of work is it, and how olds are you both?

[allmythoughts]

Welcome to Ask Me Help Desk. Just two thoughts: Perhaps you have been to a marital/relationship counselor already, but I think you should talk to him about the several points you have made here, especially, "...I guess it's just this disaster of not being able to go away or turning all back to how it used to be...He used to adore me and do anything, I'm so missing this times." Find the best mediator in your area by getting a referral, perhaps from a pastor (in a large church), priest, or rabbi. And invite your husband, more than once. If he refuses, I think you will have a good idea about what to do.
Also, as to timing, I wouldn't stir this hornets nest as long as there is no abuse and a child is involved. Since he is 14, you will not have to wait much longer. The other side of that is, the child is not exposed to a loving relationship. But I wouldn't want my child to have two dads or two moms.

Thanks George_1950. Getting help for myself is something's I could do more of and yes, I may invite him to come, even so I doubt he ever will say yes. In regards to my 14 year old, he really appreciats the man in the house, things with his father are very difficult and we do still have lots of good times, so it's not that we are fighthing allways or in front of him. Our daughter is only 6 month old, but the very rar sex problem has been before. It sort of seams ovious of what to give the priority for now, maybe I'm just finding it so hard to live in a relationship with "no hope" or lets say, once priorities have changed separation is the only solution. I'd so love to find a solution, he's a great guy in many aspects, but you do need a dictonary to understand what he means. I'd say it's very "english" , emotions are not things that one talks about... BTW I'm german.
Appreciate your sharing!

[allmythoughts]

I can't find how to get to the right section to answer the question from talaniman, so this is to you:
I'm 36, he's 42 and we both work from home. He does metalwork and I do computer stuff. We live in Portugal, he's english, I'm german.
Thanks

[Choux]

I have to say that I am against casual divorce when there are children up to the age of 18 involved. Divorce for just cause, such as physical abuse, is different.

Why don't you take your husband out to a nice restaurant and have a discussion about having a lover on the side, whether he would mind and explain that you are in the peak of your sexuality at this time, but you don't want to upset the family arrangement?

Be sure NOT to go outside the marriage before you and your husband come to an agreement of some kind. You and he must agree!

[talaniman]

Sexual problems, I feel are only a symptom of a greater problem, that has yet to be resolved. So look to see if there are any recent unresolved issues, that you have encountered.

[2personal]

When I seen this, I really thought you were my girlfriend and you were talkng about me... obviously your not, I don't know what advice to give you, except give him some space and alone time, and lots of it, do nice things for him, like make a cup of tea or what ever, but don't do so much that its abvious your trying, he will probably come around when he is ready, and if he says your aggressive and nagging all the time, then you probably are, men don't usually say these things unless there true. What ever you do don't suggest you both go and get help, if he's like me, that would only make thing worst, I'm on his side with that one. Oh yes, and if your one of those women who asks lots of question or talks about crap all the time, then don't... that irretates me as well and possibly him.

... and if your about to make him a cup of tea, I wouldn't mind one myself :)

[smoothy]

You need to find out what if the root of the problem. He used to adore you , not he won't touch you. That's a huge difference. I'll bet there has been a history of what he feels have been slights or things that bothered him. The fact he hasn't communicated these to you is his fault. You can't be expected to read his mind. Nor can he be expected to read yours.

I agree step one is getting him into counseling somehow. You might want to try going alone at the start. Give it about 4 years till your son is out of school before taking any drastic measures.

Like has already been mentioned. There is likely to be other problems provoking this behavior. Something you don't see. As a man I know when the wife is being a pain in the butt I am far less gung ho about caring about what she wants. But when she behaves well and is respectful there is little I wouldn't do for her.

[l12]

You know what?? You just realized that YOU are important and that YOU have feelings and needs that aren't being met... Look at yourself in the mirror... really look... and decide what YOU want in YOUR life... and if he is part of it, then let HIM find you. I'm so not being selfish when I say this... I just realized for myself that we are all here on earth to make something of ourselves and we are the only ones that can change that... If we are happy with ourselves... then we will make others happy too... Hang in there chick... and make sure that you love yourself!

[simoneaugie]

When women nag, it's almost always because they are not getting enough physical affection. Advising a woman to be nice, bring him tea and allow him to solve the problem at his leisure is telling her to settle for what she gets. Saying that if a woman behaves well and is respectful, there is little you wouldn't do for her? A wife who is being a pain in the butt needs to have an orgasm! The taming of the shrew, highly effective.

Life is about passion, that includes the physical passion of our mammal selves. Allowing another to ignore you sexually, just because... Well, I agree with the other posters in that there are some deeper issues here. For me, living without physical affection is grounds for divorce, no nicey games. If either of you isn't up to having sex, at least you can spend some time snuggling and talking. But this man is difficult to talk to? There probably is something going on, meanwhile, no sex.

Follow choux's advise. She said, to take him out to a nice restaurant and discuss the possibility of you having a lover on the side. This will likely offend his male dignity. Good!

[smoothy]

When women nag, it's almost always because they are not getting enough physical affection. Advising a woman to be nice, bring him tea and allow him to solve the problem at his leisure is telling her to settle for what she gets. Saying that if a woman behaves well and is respectful, there is little you wouldn't do for her? A wife who is being a pain in the butt needs to have an orgasm! The taming of the shrew, highly effective.

Life is about passion, that includes the physical passion of our mammal selves. Allowing another to ignore you sexually, just because...Well, I agree with the other posters in that there are some deeper issues here. For me, living without physical affection is grounds for divorce, no nicey games. If either of you isn't up to having sex, at least you can spend some time snuggling and talking. But this man is difficult to talk to? There probably is something going on, meanwhile, no sex.

Follow choux's advise. She said, to take him out to a nice restaurant and discuss the possibility of you having a lover on the side. This will likely offend his male dignity. Good!

Some women nag because that's their nature... they have to have everything their way all the time... and they will not compromise at all. I know women like this... and I have known women like this in the past. And every one of them would suck the life out of anything near them they are so self important and self centered. However I will agree not all women are like that.

Being a man I can from first hand MALE experience that a nagging woman would over time turn a saint into a womanizer and the affair wouldn't be about sex, it would be about having a woman that listens to him and appears to care about what he thinks. There really is a limit to just how much crap any one man is willing to take assuming he has any self respect left.

[mirandycc]

Maybe you two are spending too much time together, if he missed you, due to lack of your presence, then, he might realize how appealing you are.