[Ascil]

I'm in my 20s.

I love my mom very much but she has this weird behavior. Ever since dad suffered from severe stroke, heart disease and passed away, she has been :

1. Constantly looses controls and yells. Sometimes even physically hurts me (Slamming, slapping, and throwing things resulting in blue blacks)

2. She keeps all things, has this phobia of throwing away things as she fears that she'll not get them back. Stuffs the whole house with paper boxes, fears dusts. If you touch her things , she'll yell and go nuts, even cry. She even eats expired can foods although I threw it away. She'd pick up all the things which I've thrown or she'll go nuts if I take anything out of the house. Expired eye drops are still being used although I warned her of poisoning. If I'd object, she'd turn violent. Obssisive

3. Never listens, and cries constantly. She keeps relating all issues to the yr 1998 (dad had a stroke that time).


Give me some advise on how to deal with her. I tried to help her but she'd always turn violent.

1. She behaves normally outside with frens but treats me violently and weirdly.
2. My sibbling, they are giving up on her as they left her
3. She refuses to listen or seek help. She'd turn nuts if I suggest.
4. My house is getting full of items till I can't move. HELP!!

[man909]

This is a big problem she needs to see someone find anyway you can. Call the cops if you have to, they could find a way to help her out. They could encourage her to see someone. But she seems to put you into her problems with her husband.

[Wondergirl]

1. Constantly looses controls and yells. Sometimes even physically hurts me (Slamming, slapping, n throwing things resulting in blue blacks)

2. She keeps all things, has this phobia of throwing away things as she fears that she'll not get them back. Stuffs the whole house with paper boxes, fears dusts. If you touch her things , she'll yell n go nuts, even cry. She even eats expired can foods although i threw it away. She'd pick up all the things which i've thrown or she'll go nuts if i take anything out of the house. Expired eye drops r still being used although i warned her of poisoning. If i'd object, she'd turn violent. Obssisive

3. Never listens, and cries constantly. She keeps relating all issues to the yr 1998 (dad had a stroke tht time).

1. When your dad got sick, your mom found out she had no control to make him better again. She felt helpless. When he died, that cinched it -- she lost total control over how her life would be and she had no say in the future. She decided she is only a victim. So why should she be in control now? As soon as she thinks she is, something else bad will happen. She hits you because she can't hit God or even your father who left her high and dry to have to deal with life alone. When someone gets these feelings of loss of control, they usually deal with it in one of two ways--they either lash out at those around them, especially "safe" people who will love them anyway, or they will hurt themselves somehow, physically or financially perhaps.

2. She had her life in order, everything pretty well organized, and what happened? She lost the one thing she couldn't afford to lose and didn't want to lose, your father. Even if they didn't have a perfect marriage, they had been together for years and had weathered all kinds of storms together. They were each other's anchor. Now she has no anchor. She's using "stuff" and is surrounding herself with "stuff" as her anchor. Hoarding can become a problem after the death of a spouse. Also, someone told me hoarding "stuff" is a hoarder's way to put off death. If a person accumulates a lot of "stuff," he/she won't die because there's too much to do, too much not yet taken care of, so the hoarder will have to stay alive to take care of and get rid of all the "stuff".

3. She is stuck in 1998. She can't move forward. If she moves forward, she will have to admit that time passed by, he got sicker, and he died. Emotionally at least, she can't admit he died.

What to do. She needs to see a psychiatrist or at least a doctor to get an anti-depressant that will pull her out of this depression enough that a counselor or grief therapist can work with her. I don't know how you will get this done. Maybe start with some of the ideas in the next paragraph.

What you can do. Be compassionate. Suggest to her ways you want to celebrate your dad's life--plant a garden or a tree in his memory, have everyone help you put together a memory book of things he used to say and do, write short stories about your dad and enlist your mom's memory help for this. Bring him into your conversations. Talk about him, talk about him, talk about him. Even talk about the annoying things he did or the things you didn't like--after all, he was human just like the rest of us. (For instance, after my dad died, we kids would laugh about how he used to grab the new Reader's Digest out of the mail and then read a lot of the jokes to us--annoying then but funny now.) Primarily remember and talk about the good stuff and the funny stuff--specific things he did and said. If your mom won't see a grief counselor or a therapist of some kind, please go by yourself even for just a couple of visits. You will be glad you did because you will get more ideas than I can give you here.

No, your mom isn't crazy, but my heart goes out to that woman! She is terrified and distraught. Be gentle with her.

(P.S. Been there, done that... )