[talaniman]

Your caught in the middle of a very emotional battle between your parents. No child should be put in that position.

Its time for your mom to talk to a lawyer, and get some much needed help for your family.

[XM8]

Get a lawyer? Well I highly doubt she can afford a lawyer right now..

-Xm8

[talaniman]

That's where the wonders of the internet can help with. You can find one that has a free consultation, and good terms.

[XM8]

Thanks, I'll tell my mother.


-Xm8

[taoplr]

My dad left my mother, my sister and I with only 150 euros and said that after 3 months he'll stop paying for the school and house and.. well what the hell is that? Plus he left his bank account with an overdraft of -2500 euros believe it or not, so we can't withdraw any cash. School fees and the mortgage payments are due in less than 2 months, what do we do?

At this stage, I have to ask you a few questions:
What is your ethnic background?
What are the countries of origin for both parents?
What is your family's religious orientation? Are either of your parents religious?
Is there a history of violence in your family?
I ask all this to determine whether you or anyone in the family is in danger or not. Also, cultures are different, and my advice might work in my culture but not yours.
Finally, do you have aunts, uncles, or family friends that you can turn to now?

You didn't expect to grow up this quickly and this soon. But this is where you are. If you can muster up the courage, and this is a time for you to have courage,you should confront your father. Tell him that he is being surprisingly cruel and astonishingly selfish, and causing all of you unnecessary suffering. Get ferocious, pissed, and indignant, and tell him that as his son, you expect him to be a responsible human being. Control your anger but use it. Convince him that he can find a way to get himself out without destroying the lives of the rest of you.

He's basically black mailing us into moving away at the end of June. And now I'm not even sure I can go to England and stay with him because he said it "might be too late for me to enroll".

I'm busting my chops trying to get good marks at school and this situation right now is not helping at all.

Any advice? What do we do about the money? How are we going to get through, and how do I comfort my mother?

The advice that Talaniman gave you is sound. There are government agencies throughout the developed world that help people in situations like yours. Google up, ask around, and get help now.

The source of this crisis is your father. He's probably got a girlfriend. Maybe being with her and away from your mother is the best thing for him, maybe not. But he is just seeing what he wants, comfort, sex, friendship, a new face, no fighting (yet). This is tough for you to see your dad do, but just digest it and get used to it.

He's like a drunk and you have to treat him like a drunk: Clear, no-nuance communication about the reality of the situation, no escape from the consequences of his actions, equally inescapable feedback about the consequences of his actions, and refusal to support his addiction. You can't put consequences on him, but you can provide loud and clear feedback. If you and your sister just take it without screaming, you are helping him continue on this path.

No one is standing up to him. You are next in line, unless you have other family or close friends of his to whom you could make an appeal for help. Check in to your instincts and follow them. Some part of you will figure out the very best role for you and will know how to take care of your sister, mother, and you.

Just on a side note, I feel like I've been cheated out of a good life and this is real b*ll.

Please help me, I'm stuck.

Yep, this is tough. But you can handle your part of finding the way through it. You have to. Keep your head on straight. Trust yourself to grow into this and you will.

Awaiting your reply,

Tao

[XM8]

Thank you for your answer taoplr.

My ethnic background? Well.. I'm half English, half Syrian. I guess I've got a mix of both cultures, but mainly British anyway..

What are the countries of origin for both parents?

My mother is from Syria and my father is from England

What is your family's religious orientation? Are either of your parents religious?

Yes they are religious, both my parents are catholics and have been their whole lives.

Is there a history of violence in your family?

Yes there is.. My father used to beat my mother, right from the start of their marriage (20 years ago). My mother would fight back but, she's no match I guess. He used to break a lot of things in the house as well like chairs, tables, ornaments, furniture etc.

He also used to beat me - more than my mother. And he also broke a lot of my stuff : lamps, wallets, computers, watches, school bags, DVDs, computer games etc.

That all stopped about a year ago because I called the social services on my dad, so he stopped beating me. He also stopped beating my mother, but that was because she threatened him with the social services a few times.

Plus I also stood up to my father last year after he broke the top part of my bed and scabbed my whole arm with it. I punched him in the face a few times while crying and shouting and I think he got a bit scared of me after that. But even though I was kind of right to do it I still feel sick to my stomach to this day about it.

Finally, do you have aunts, uncles, or family friends that you can turn to now?

Well we're in Vienna (Austria) right now, initially because of my dad's work, so to answer your question : No, there are no aunts, uncles or such that I can turn to now. My mother's siblings are all in Syria, and my dad's brother is in England. My dad's brother and mother both support my dad fully with his idea of buggering off and "starting over" (if you can really call it that).

And no family friends either, not for me anyway. I know my mother spends a lot of time on the phone talking to the local priest and to some of her close friends but I'm a loner so..

If you can muster up the courage, and this is a time for you to have courage,you should confront your father. Tell him that he is being surprisingly cruel and astonishingly selfish, and causing all of you unnecessary suffering.

I think I've found that courage. The next time I get an e-mail from my father (if he even decides to mail me) I'll tell him exactly what I need to. At first I thought it wasn't so serious, but now that he's actually gone and my mother told me what she heard him saying on the phone and everything else, I'm just stunned. I'm not freaking out or anything but when the time is right, you can be damn sure I'll give my dad my 2 cents.

The advice that Talaniman gave you is sound. There are government agencies throughout the developed world that help people in situations like yours. Google up, ask around, and get help now.

I know it's always a solution but my mother is concentrating on getting herself a job as soon as possible. If the sh*t really starts to hit the fan I think she'll turn to a government agency that will help us.

No one is standing up to him. You are next in line, unless you have other family or close friends of his to whom you could make an appeal for help.

Yes you're right. I presume my father only really listens to me, or at least more than he does to my mother and sister, so yes I'm next in line and it's up to me to stand up to him.

I'm just wondering if I should cut all contact between me and my father. Maybe he might feel guilty, right? Or is that a fantasy?

My mother just told me it might be some mid-life crisis. My opinion, and I told her, is that anyone with a mid-life crisis doesn't just piss off and leave his wife and children behind with debts, does he?

I get the impression maybe we can all make him feel guilty by not speaking to him anymore, something I would do anyway out of disgust. But would that be wise or not?


Let me thank you once again taoplr for your lengthy and kind answer. It helps to know that someone out there gives a damn.

-Xm8

[taoplr]

Thank you for your answer taoplr.
My father used to beat my mother, right from the start of their marriage (20 years ago). My mother would fight back but, she's no match I guess. He used to break a lot of things in the house as well like chairs, tables, ornaments, furniture etc.

He also used to beat me - more than my mother. And he also broke a lot of my stuff : lamps, wallets, computers, watches, school bags, DVDs, computer games etc.

That all stopped about a year ago because I called the social services on my dad, so he stopped beating me. He also stopped beating my mother, but that was because she threatened him with the social services a few times.

Plus I also stood up to my father last year after he broke the top part of my bed and scabbed my whole arm with it. I punched him in the face a few times while crying and shouting and I think he got a bit scared of me after that. But even though I was kind of right to do it I still feel sick to my stomach to this day about it.

OK, so he has a history of violent abuse, and when you fought back he backed off. Do you think that he might escalate his violence if he doesn't get his way? Did he leave te country for England? If you are not sure, you would be wise to talk with the police, social services, or any other specialist who can (1) Inform you if you all are in danger, and (2) intervene if he comes back and gets violent again.

I'm sure that it is hard to have this happen with your Dad. Maybe one day you can help him make things right.

My dad's brother and mother both support my dad fully with his idea of buggering off and "starting over."

Ah! A grandmother! So she is not a fan of your mother, since she supports him in leaving, but how is she with you and your sister? Can you pull some heartstrings with her? Can we leverage through her and put some serious guilt on Dad? She supports him in leaving, but does she support abandoning his children with no money? And, how do you know that she supports his buggering off?

And no family friends either, not for me anyway. I know my mother spends a lot of time on the phone talking to the local priest and to some of her close friends but I'm a loner so..

Well Dude (I'm from California) you're not a loner any more; you're the virtual head of your household, the senior male. Your mother is going to need recovery time and loving support, and some of the support will include listening to things that you would rather not hear. You're the crown prince of the castle.

The next time I get an e-mail from my father (if he even decides to mail me) I'll tell him exactly what I need to. At first I thought it wasn't so serious, but now that he's actually gone and my mother told me what she heard him saying on the phone and everything else, I'm just stunned. I'm not freaking out or anything but when the time is right, you can be damn sure I'll give my dad my 2 cents.

That will be a very important communication. Start writing notes now. You can finish the email when the school year is done.

Somewhere in all this, you will revisit the option of going to school in England. Put that whole subject on a slow cooker in your mind. Don't give it too much energy now. Concentrate on the well being of the three of you. Each will have a preferred process for healing, restarting, and making a life without him. He will always be your Dad, but he might not be an active part of your life. Do your best in school.

I know it's always a solution but my mother is concentrating on getting herself a job as soon as possible. If the sh*t really starts to hit the fan I think she'll turn to a government agency that will help us.

Yes you're right. I presume my father only really listens to me, or at least more than he does to my mother and sister, so yes I'm next in line and it's up to me to stand up to him.

I'm just wondering if I should cut all contact between me and my father. Maybe he might feel guilty, right? Or is that a fantasy?

There is a very good possibility that he will wake up one day and realize what a schmuck he has been. His new romance might end. She's a lot younger than he and he might not be able to hold her. If it's a mid-life crisis, it will end. I'd like to stimulate the guilt in him, so if you have a good relationship with your grandma, this is a good time to call her and tell her what just happened and what your finances are. Tell her you love her (if indeed you do)

I get the impression maybe we can all make him feel guilty by not speaking to him anymore, something I would do anyway out of disgust. But would that be wise or not?

I'm not sure at this point about the best way for you to deal with him. He's made a huge move. There will be a moment when the heat of all this cools down an he realizes that he's the same man with the new girlfriend as he was with your Mum. Before that, he will feel remorse about abandoning his kids. His character will be revealed by how he treats the two of you. So, trust your instincts on how and when you communicate with him.

Let me thank you once again taoplr for your lengthy and kind answer. It helps to know that someone out there gives a damn.

Some may call me a dreamer, but I'm not the only one... You've got friends on this side of the ocean.

Tao

[XM8]

Do you think that he might escalate his violence if he doesn't get his way? Did he leave te country for England? If you are not sure, you would be wise to talk with the police, social services, or any other specialist who can (1) Inform you if you all are in danger, and (2) intervene if he comes back and gets violent again.

Well yes he did leave the country for England, yesterday. Will he come back and get violent? No, I highly doubt that because.. Well, the other day he smashed up half the house but he didn't hit anyone, I think he's too scared of the police/social services. So I presume that he won't hit anyone if he came back..

Ah! A grandmother! So she is not a fan of your mother, since she supports him in leaving, but how is she with you and your sister? Can you pull some heartstrings with her? Can we leverage through her and put some serious guilt on Dad? She supports him in leaving, but does she support abandoning his children with no money? And, how do you know that she supports his buggering off?

The thing is, my grandmother's in England right now so in any case none of us maintain that much contact with her. Last time I spoke to her was in November. Last time I saw her was 4 years ago.

Pulling some heart strings with her won't work I'm afraid.. She's no fan of my mother, just like you said and I'm not so sure she would listen to me and my sister anyway. I'm positive that she supports my dad and wouldn't change her mind.

She obviously knows that he's leaving us here, but what else has my dad told her? I don't know. He probably lied just like he did to his new girlfriend (whom he by the way told that my mother is abusive, swears all the time, and is "disciplinary" - how ironic of him).

That will be a very important communication. Start writing notes now. You can finish the email when the school year is done.

Right - I've already started forming a letter that I'd like him to read some time soon.

He will always be your Dad, but he might not be an active part of your life. Do your best in school.

I understand. That's something we're having to face right now, all three of us. I can't say it's so easy, but me and my sister are taking it much better than my mother.

I'm just going to concentrate on school work so I can take my mind off this problem..

There is a very good possibility that he will wake up one day and realize what a schmuck he has been. His new romance might end. She's a lot younger than he and he might not be able to hold her. If it's a mid-life crisis, it will end.

Yea I really hope he realises one day that his actions are pretty crappy and didn't benefit anyone but himself.

Well the thing is his new romance, is some woman he knew back in high school, that's all I know though. To be honest, I don't feel like knowing anymore than that, it's revolting...

I'd like to stimulate the guilt in him, so if you have a good relationship with your grandma, this is a good time to call her and tell her what just happened and what your finances are. Tell her you love her (if indeed you do)

Well I wish it were that easy. You see my father took me only once to England in the past 12 years so "thanks" to him I never had a chance to get close to my grandparents over there at all. That's just great, seeing as my grandfather also died last year and I barely got to know him..

I think my grandmother would just shun us off..

There will be a moment when the heat of all this cools down an he realizes that he's the same man with the new girlfriend as he was with your Mum. Before that, he will feel remorse about abandoning his kids.

I think that the only way he will feel remorse is by showing him he's made a mistake, because, to be honest, I think that my dad has no idea of the pain he's causing us. He thinks that it's just so simple to piss off and leave us here. I'll make sure I tell him off when I write him that letter. A response is guaranteed.

Some may call me a dreamer, but I'm not the only one... You've got friends on this side of the ocean.

Good to know :) It seems this side of the ocean is full of assh*les lol

Thanks,

-Xm8

P.S.

Do excuse me if I don't answer for a day or two, I've got a chemistry and maths test coming up so I'll be busy studying. I'll post back ASAP.

[DoulaLC]

It is sounding more and more as though your mother actually is better off with your father leaving, she just doesn't realize that yet.

If he stays in communication with you, do let him know your feelings regarding his lack of support. Your mother needs to see about a lawyer so that you, your sister, and she are all taken care of as you are legally entitled to be.

Your father is showing what his priorities are right now... in time, he will possibly realise that he could have handled things differently,but he likely has seen this as his chance to escape a situation he was not happy in.

As taoplr said, focus on doing well in school and taking care of yourself, your sister, and your mother.

Strongly encourage your mother to seek legal counsel very soon. She may be reluctant, as it means it is a step towards divorce, but she really needs to protect herself and you kids financially. Your father can not just leave and decide for himself what he will and won't pay.

Stay strong... but remember to lean on friends and family as well.

[taoplr]

OK. Do well on your exams. If anything changes, let me know.

And, for that part of you that feels liberated in the midst of all this change, there is no need to have any guilt. You are becoming free from a terrible atmosphere of parental strife and now have the opportunity to grow where that atmosphere had restrained you.

"There is nothing about a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly." -Buckminster Fuller

[XM8]

Hi and thanks for the answers.

As for my exams I did OK I guess.

Anyway, my mother has been reading up a lot on the internet this week and she is convinced that my dad is going through an extreme form of male mid-life crisis. This is because he spends a lot of money (which is true) and some other criteria which I kind of forgot..

Moreover, she asked me if I thought it was a good idea to send my dad these articles she's reading on the internet so he "wakes up". I told her not to because I feel that sending him that kind of stuff would be like a judgement on him and he might get all defensive.

I also told my mother I'm going to write my dad that letter, but she keeps pushing me to write it sooner. She wants it done this weekend because she fears that the longer he stays with his new girlfriend, the more he'll forget about her and us.

Maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but I'm not so keen on writing my dad a letter to be honest. It's probably school work, but I'm really tired and lazy at the moment.

Oh and dad wrote me an e-mail, addressed only to me and my sister (weird, huh?). He said "sorry for contacting you so late" blah blah blah.

Should I answer this with the letter I want to write to him?

What about my mother's ideas? Are they good or not?

Thanks for the help,

-Xm8

[taoplr]

As for my exams I did OK I guess.

Good.It's probably a good thing to leave the insanity at home for the insanity at school for a while.

... she is convinced that my dad is going through an extreme form of male mid-life crisis. This is because he spends a lot of money (which is true) and some other criteria which I kind of forgot..

Ask her again and take notes; send me a copy. Also, if you feel comfortable posting it, send a copy of your father's email. If you don't want it shown in a public forum, send it by a private message (AskMe community: I don't mean to exclude anyone, just to give XM a chance to be comfortable with this information)

Moreover, she asked me if I thought it was a good idea to send my dad these articles she's reading on the internet so he "wakes up". I told her not to because I feel that sending him that kind of stuff would be like a judgement on him and he might get all defensive.

Good call. Anything coming from your mom will be rejected.

I also told my mother I'm going to write my dad that letter, but she keeps pushing me to write it sooner. She wants it done this weekend because she fears that the longer he stays with his new girlfriend, the more he'll forget about her and us.

There is an equal chance that the excitement will wear off and he will see the reality of what he's done. He's been riding an emotional wave that won't sustain unless his relationship with his girlfriend proves to be The One, and he's ready to dramatically change his patterns. It could happen, but it's a rare event. In any case, his relationship with your mom is bad, and nothing you have reported here says they are likely to get back together.

Maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but I'm not so keen on writing my dad a letter to be honest. It's probably school work, but I'm really tired and lazy at the moment.

Write the letter that you need to write. It's for you to unload. You will benefit from letting your anger out, and expressing your thoughts and other emotions. But you don't have to send it. Do it.

My advice is to send a carefully crafted, edited, focused letter, for which you will have a specific outcome. (a targeted response such as opening up a new level of dialog with all of you, whether he comes back or not.)

Oh and dad wrote me an e-mail, addressed only to me and my sister (weird, huh?). He said "sorry for contacting you so late" blah blah blah.

Should I answer this with the letter I want to write to him?

The content of that email is very important, as is your response. There is no "blah, blah, blah" in it. There might be BS, as your dad is in a self-convincing frame of mind, but every word in that email will tell you something about him that you need to know.

What about my mother's ideas? Are they good or not?

I don't know. She's wounded and unable to think through the possibility that her marriage is over. It won't hurt for her to do that web research, and to try to understand and influence the situation, your dad, and the two of you. She must feel helpless, and that's no good. Listen to her when she expresses herself. Your sister and you might be the only people she can confide in right now.

Thanks for the help,

-Xm8

Keep your head on straight.

[sexiibeast22]

Just be come and try to get them to stay together tell them how much you love them and don't want to lose them

[XM8]

Good.It's probably a good thing to leave the insanity at home for the insanity at school for a while.

Hell yea lol It's great getting good marks. I've become one of the nerds. Sort of...


As for the e-mails well there's not much that's private. I haven't answered any of them until now. The first message was like this : "Sorry for writing so late, accomodation problems and got the flu".

Then he wrote me another a day later "Hi, You okay (got my last email soem days ago ?) Let me know. All the best, Love, Dad

Then he wrote a third one, this time to my sister to tell her to forward him something through the mail. And he told her to get me to answer his e-mails.

A fourth e-mail arrived, before yesterday. Just the subject "you there?"

I wanted to tell him happy birthday a few days ago but I thought it wouldn't be such a good idea.

My mother has been making "draft" letters she would like to send him, but I told her not to because he might not like it.

Eitherway she got an e-mail from my dad saying that he wants her to sell the car and contact the school so me and my sister are withdrawn.

I don't care about the car but hey, I want to go to school. I'm not a position to just change, that's not fair FFS.

Anyway my mum's pressuring me to write the e-mail I want to send him. I'm going to write it and post it back here, if that's OK with everyone.

Oh and I thought I might just add. This new girlfriend of his, she was some chick who used to go to school with him like 30 years ago. She sent my dad an x-mas card a few months ago, with her e-mail on it. Apparently the got into contact and he's with her right now. He also wants to marry her. I know this because my mother overheard him on the phone.

There is an equal chance that the excitement will wear off and he will see the reality of what he's done.

Well I hope soon because he wants us out of this house in 3 months so he can sell it and out of the school. I don't believe this... He told my mother he "can't spend money here and there". Well who made him go to England and rent a new flat? Damn...

Thanks once again for the help,

-Xm8

P.S.

Sorry for not posting in a while, school work.

[taoplr]

Hell yea lol It's great getting good marks. I've become one of the nerds. Sort of...

Nerdiness is better than being at the clueless end of things.

... I haven't answered any of them until now... he wrote me another a day later "Hi, You okay (got my last email soem days ago ?) Let me know. All the best, Love, Dad

... this time to my sister to tell her to forward him something through the mail. And he told her to get me to answer his e-mails.

A fourth e-mail arrived, before yesterday. Just the subject "you there?"

I wanted to tell him happy birthday a few days ago but I thought it wouldn't be such a good idea.

Two important things here:

One, he's reaching out to you and your sister. Don't take this lightly. You need this contact with him to work out practical matters like money, where you go to school next year and where you live, and to develop your influence on him regarding how he treats your mom.

Two, no matter what happens, he will be your father forever. As much as he's being a jerk, you will have a relationship with him even after he dies. You might feel unwilling to talk with him now, but you will feel different later.

It is in your interest to keep a flow of dialog going with him, as hard as that might be.

My mother has been making "draft" letters she would like to send him, but I told her not to because he might not like it.

It is very good therapy for your mom to write these letters. Encourage her and support her in this. No, she should not send them; they are for her.

Either way she got an e-mail from my dad saying that he wants her to sell the car and contact the school so me and my sister are withdrawn.

I don't care about the car but hey, I want to go to school. I'm not a position to just change, that's not fair FFS.

What's FFS?

What plan is he proposing to your mum? Selling the car and withdrawing the two of you from school are not a plan. What are his goals? Yours? Your sister's and mum's?

The school year ends soon. Does he plan to have you move to England or something else? Your mum might know what he is thinking and planning, but she's not being candid about it.You can get a lot done if you talk with him.

Regarding your mum, you should ask her to let you read the emails he sends her, and don't rely on her report. She will select parts of his messages that support her side of the story. Just ask her and tell her you want a direct look at his words so you can understand him better.

Anyway my mum's pressuring me to write the e-mail I want to send him. I'm going to write it and post it back here, if that's OK with everyone.

Do it soon. Get everything in there, and let the extraneous or repetitive parts be edited out later. Don't hold back.

Oh and I thought I might just add. This new girlfriend of his, she was some chick who used to go to school with him like 30 years ago. She sent my dad an x-mas card a few months ago, with her e-mail on it. Apparently the got into contact and he's with her right now. He also wants to marry her. I know this because my mother overheard him on the phone.

What he does and what happens remain to be seen. He's on a high because he's got a romance without all the dull parts of marriage: paying bills, cleaning, taking care of dinner, mundane tasks, etc. He's also not fighting (I assume) which must be a big relief. But give it time. And don't be attached to anything because it could all change very quickly.

Well I hope soon because he wants us out of this house in 3 months so he can sell it and out of the school. I don't believe this... He told my mother he "can't spend money here and there". Well who made him go to England and rent a new flat? Damn...

This is why you must stay in contact with him. You are the negotiator, like it or not, for getting the resources that your mum, your sister, and you need. He has to support you through school, manage your health care, give your mum enough money to live on, and be a responsible father. Unless a big piece of the picture you are giving us is missing, he's trying to avoid that responsibility.

Please do this: Send us, by private message if you prefer, all the emails he has sent since this whole thing started. We can then interpret his intentions ourselves.

Draft your letter (school comes first) and send it to us so we can interpret, comment, and advise you. You can manage yourself, and the key elements of this situation successfully.

Thanks once again for the help,

-Xm8

P.S. Sorry for not posting in a while, school work.

Keep at it and a good outcome is assured.

tao

[DoulaLC]

Has your mother gotten in contact with a lawyer yet? She needs to do this to protect you, your sister, and herself financially. All the hoping for change in the world isn't going to make it happen... she needs to make sure you all are protected. Whether she likes it or not, your father has moved on and will do what is in HIS best interest at the moment.

He can not just sell the family home or car out from under you, you do not have to withdrawl from school just because he tells her to do so.

Write him back, share your thoughts and concerns... but encourage your mother to get legal support. This responsibility should not fall to you.