A little information:

- I'm 17, male, upcoming Senior in high school.
- The relationship that I'm referring to began in 1st grade and lasted until mid 4th grade. (8 years ago I believe)
- Childhood relationships never last some say. I wish it were true in my situation.

During first grade, I met a girl. We became childhood boyfriend and girlfriend through all of 1st grade, the summer following, and the 'relationship' continued on until the middle of 4th grade. It never exactly ended, however. I began to like another girl, and quietly cut off the previous relationship (that's the part that has killed me ever since). My desire for the new girl failed and I was left with nobody.

I liked the idea of being single during that time, so I never pursued another relationship with the girl I 'left in the dust.'

5th grade came around, and I found myself attracted more than ever to my childhood girlfriend, but I was too shy to say or do anything about it (I still am). So I went through all of 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th grades adoring her from afar. She didn't know I liked her because she had several boyfriends during that time, and I chose to try to move on.

While I look back at those years, I have realized that all my own love relationships have failed because my subconscious self is holding back on love. I refuse to be intimate, I shy away from the things usual couples do at my age today. I've held back so long I've become scared of them.

She moved to a new school district during my freshman year, and has since then had several new boyfriends, forgetting me more with each one. She still logs onto MSN every once in a while, and I believe that is the only form of contact I have with her.

I am mildly non-social, depressed, and I have very low self-esteem from a troubled home since I can remember. She is beautiful, outgoing, mature beyond her age, and living on her own.

[I feel like I'm rambling, so try to bear with me while I try to close this up. Sorry if I'm jumping around.]

I have never forgot about her, and I've tried to convince myself to do so several times. She continually shows up in my life. I see her around town and she lives near my best friend's house.

I don't believe I ever got the closure I feel I needed. To my own fault nonetheless. Regret for dropping the relationship when I did has haunted me even to this day.

Dreams are one of the most common times that I am reminded of her. I have recurring dreams (once a month or so) about us being in a relationship, or close friends, always a different situation, but generally the same. This is a real nightmare because I wake up scared and confused, depression sets in and I can't stop thinking about her for a week maybe. Let me stress that I still go on with life, but when I'm not focused on something, or when anyone talks about a girlfriend, my mind resorts back to her.

Last night was the most recent dream, and by far the most tragic to me when I realized it was just a dream. I have been thinking about posting this question all day, which is why this is so long. I need to do something about this NOW, before it gets worse. I doubt that I could confront her about starting up a relationship now when she is dating 20 year olds and living on her own. So I need to find a way to be at peace with the fact that I'll never have her back. Closure is what I seek. It's what I need...

I talked to my friend about this whole situation a week ago, and he said I sound like a stalker. I hate that because I have never once tried to stalk her or find out what she's doing. I'm just holding on to love.

This is a very unique situation, and it has tortured me for so long because I don't know what to do about it. Do I talk to her about what I've been feeling this whole time? Try to win her heart back by giving all my effort and risk rejection? Or just leave it alone as I have for 8 years?

I need your help.

(I apologize for the inconsistencies, and possibly vague descriptions. I understand if there is nobody in the world who can help me, because I have felt so alone in this.)

Thanks for staying till the end.

-Ceasefire

Skrypt

Closure huh.

Live it steady and calm.

Talk to her on msn. Get to know her more since u didn't communicate much over the years.
As you rekindle your friendship meet with her for coffee or something small. After 3-4 meetings u can tell her how you feel. Tell her why you didn't act sooner. What you were thinking all those years.
If she's in a serious relationship right now, all you can do is wait for a window of opportunity. Try not to rush it she breaks up badly.
Sounds like all you can do now is just slowly build up a relationship with communication because if you go blasting your heart out, it might make her think it's an act of desperation since you didn't communicate too much over the years. Discard pride, fear, jealousy, and your shyness. Those will make you rotten. Good Luck

Ceasefire

I am assuming that is if I intended to try to revive a relationship with her. Great advice, but what would be a suggested approach if I took the high road and tried to achieve closure so I can move on? The same scenario? or to prevent bringing her back into my life should I just tell her blatantly?

Through her myspace page and other things I've heard, she has taken a turn in life that I would rather not follow. She has become enveloped in drug use and illicit sex. I love her, or I'm infatuated with what I used to know about her, but I hate her choices in life. She has been in two serious relationships, both with guys much older, whom I suspect pushed her to the extent she has shown. I'm afraid my window of opportunity has come and gone. I now need to look out for myself and affix my mental state and attitude towards my own future without her in it. To start, I need closure, to forget her, to move on and catch up on the 8 years of maturing I missed. I'm 17, but I act much younger around women...

Skrypt

If you want closure it would be simple to say but maybe hard to bear.
Tell her how you felt over the years. What you were thinking. Then tell her you can't be with her because of her life choices, and what you have to do to recover so you can move on. It would be better to tell her in person.

If you feel guilty, then you must face your guilt. Discard false hope and fight any sorrow. Accept what you did in the past so you can live your future. That is moving on....closure.

bluerose

Forget her. Leave this girl alone. If you tried to talk to her in your present state you will freak her out.

Ceasefire

Would I be wrong to talk to her on MSN and casually mention that I've liked her for so long? Not dramatic, not forceful, not begging for a relationship, just to let her know that she's been on my heart? I still feel the need to tell her, even if its just a few words in the middle of a conversation.

blondiE-MO

Start Back Over With Her
Try And Be Friends With Her
And If All Goes Well Tell Her What You've Been Feeling
And Even If It Doesn't Go So Well
Tell Her Anyways

Is It The Closure You Want Or Is It Her You Want?

-blondiE-MO