Asked Jul 24, 2007, 03:27 PM
A little information:
- I'm 17, male, upcoming Senior in high school.
- The relationship that I'm referring to began in 1st grade and lasted until mid 4th grade. (8 years ago I believe)
- Childhood relationships never last some say. I wish it were true in my situation.
During first grade, I met a girl. We became childhood boyfriend and girlfriend through all of 1st grade, the summer following, and the 'relationship' continued on until the middle of 4th grade. It never exactly ended, however. I began to like another girl, and quietly cut off the previous relationship (that's the part that has killed me ever since). My desire for the new girl failed and I was left with nobody.
I liked the idea of being single during that time, so I never pursued another relationship with the girl I 'left in the dust.'
5th grade came around, and I found myself attracted more than ever to my childhood girlfriend, but I was too shy to say or do anything about it (I still am). So I went through all of 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th grades adoring her from afar. She didn't know I liked her because she had several boyfriends during that time, and I chose to try to move on.
While I look back at those years, I have realized that all my own love relationships have failed because my subconscious self is holding back on love. I refuse to be intimate, I shy away from the things usual couples do at my age today. I've held back so long I've become scared of them.
She moved to a new school district during my freshman year, and has since then had several new boyfriends, forgetting me more with each one. She still logs onto MSN every once in a while, and I believe that is the only form of contact I have with her.
I am mildly non-social, depressed, and I have very low self-esteem from a troubled home since I can remember. She is beautiful, outgoing, mature beyond her age, and living on her own.
[I feel like I'm rambling, so try to bear with me while I try to close this up. Sorry if I'm jumping around.]
I have never forgot about her, and I've tried to convince myself to do so several times. She continually shows up in my life. I see her around town and she lives near my best friend's house.
I don't believe I ever got the closure I feel I needed. To my own fault nonetheless. Regret for dropping the relationship when I did has haunted me even to this day.
Dreams are one of the most common times that I am reminded of her. I have recurring dreams (once a month or so) about us being in a relationship, or close friends, always a different situation, but generally the same. This is a real nightmare because I wake up scared and confused, depression sets in and I can't stop thinking about her for a week maybe. Let me stress that I still go on with life, but when I'm not focused on something, or when anyone talks about a girlfriend, my mind resorts back to her.
Last night was the most recent dream, and by far the most tragic to me when I realized it was just a dream. I have been thinking about posting this question all day, which is why this is so long. I need to do something about this NOW, before it gets worse. I doubt that I could confront her about starting up a relationship now when she is dating 20 year olds and living on her own. So I need to find a way to be at peace with the fact that I'll never have her back. Closure is what I seek. It's what I need...
I talked to my friend about this whole situation a week ago, and he said I sound like a stalker. I hate that because I have never once tried to stalk her or find out what she's doing. I'm just holding on to love.
This is a very unique situation, and it has tortured me for so long because I don't know what to do about it. Do I talk to her about what I've been feeling this whole time? Try to win her heart back by giving all my effort and risk rejection? Or just leave it alone as I have for 8 years?
I need your help.
(I apologize for the inconsistencies, and possibly vague descriptions. I understand if there is nobody in the world who can help me, because I have felt so alone in this.)
Thanks for staying till the end.