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Immoral to date your friends ex-crush?

Asked Oct 2, 2009, 09:48 AM — 9 Answers
Okay, so my friend (let's call him Dmitri) had a very good friend (let's call her Lauren). They were friends for years and everything was good until he "fell in love" with her and she rejected him. Dmitri started ignoring Lauren and they stopped being friends.

Now, about 2 weeks later I find out that Lauren likes me. I talk to this to my other friend, who we can call Rodney. I like Lauren and Lauren likes me, so obviously, I want to take her out or whatever.

But Rodney says that if I dated Lauren, it would be "immoral" and "it wouldn't work out anyway" and "Dmitri would start hating me".

I do not really understand. Dmitri stopped being friends with Lauren and is now hitting on another girl (yes! What a quick recovery...). How could it be possibly immoral, when he obviously doesn't want to talk to her and etc.? Why would he hate me for dating her when he wants her out of his life? And why is Rodney saying it "wouldn't work out anyway?"

I'm confused. I don't think it's immoral, and I don't think Dmitri would care. What do you guys think?

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9 Answers
Justwantfair's Avatar
Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 4771
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#2

Oct 2, 2009, 10:11 AM
While not 'immoral', it probably will strike discord in your friendship with Dmitri.

Your best option is to prior to pursuing the date/relationship with Lauren to discuss the situation with Dmitri to find out if it would or would not bother him.

What is your age range?
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wolfgangqpublic's Avatar
wolfgangqpublic Posts: 192, Reputation: 140
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#3

Oct 2, 2009, 10:14 AM
He told me on a few occasions that he doesn't care about her anymore...

We're all 16.
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Justwantfair's Avatar
Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 4771
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#4

Oct 2, 2009, 10:16 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfgangqpublic View Post
He told me on a few occasions that he doesn't care about her anymore...

We're all 16.
I would talk to Dmitri and seriously consider his reaction.
Then you will have to make a choice whether dating this girl will be worth the possibility of losing this friendship.
While 16 is a finicking age, you may just as easily find another girl that is just as interesting to you without all of the complications.
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wolfgangqpublic's Avatar
wolfgangqpublic Posts: 192, Reputation: 140
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#5

Oct 2, 2009, 10:27 AM
Well, how I am supposed to talk to talk to him about this topic? And I repeat he told me on many occasions that he doesn't care about her or anything she does anymore. I think the way that he is acting is way stupid. I think I should talk to him about that first....

And why do you think it would be "uncomfortable"?

Thanks.
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Justwantfair's Avatar
Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 4771
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#6

Oct 2, 2009, 10:29 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfgangqpublic View Post
Well, how I am supposed to talk to talk to him about this topic? And I repeat he told me on many occasions that he doesn't care about her or anything she does anymore. I think the way that he is acting is way stupid. I think I should talk to him about that first....

And why do you think it would be "uncomfortable"?

Thanks.
His reaction actually indicates more that he does have feelings involved than that he doesn't.

Because you will need to choose, friend or girl. That is uncomfortable.
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I wish's Avatar
I wish Posts: 5,256, Reputation: 10093
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#7

Oct 2, 2009, 10:31 AM


All you really need to say is, remember Lauren? Her and I have feelings for each other, how do you feel about it?

If he says, sure go ahead, then you're good. If he says, he's uncomfortable with that idea, then you'll have to consider whether your friendship with him is more important or your feelings with Lauren.

It's just common courtesy to let your friends know that you might start a relationship with their ex-crush or ex-gf. I'm sure you would want him to do the same thing if the situation was reversed.
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wolfgangqpublic's Avatar
wolfgangqpublic Posts: 192, Reputation: 140
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#8

Oct 2, 2009, 10:35 AM
Okay, I'll do that.... Thanks.
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talaniman's Avatar
talaniman Posts: 44,336, Reputation: 50356
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#9

Oct 2, 2009, 11:24 AM


Eyes wide open. Its not immoral, but think, if you pursue this girl, you have to put up with whatever she, and her ex have been through. That might be what makes things complicated and uncomfortable. How will you all act around each other?
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NeedKarma's Avatar
NeedKarma Posts: 10,230, Reputation: 8855
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#10

Oct 5, 2009, 11:03 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfgangqpublic View Post
He told me on a few occasions that he doesn't care about her anymore...

We're all 16.
I wonder how many people use this account:
http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/childre...ml#post1915823

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/taxes/c...ax-320730.html

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/...le-262408.html
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