My girlfriend and I have been dating on-off for about 3 months now. In our last effort for a relationship, we were going strong and were a short 3 weeks into it. In the last week, she was very distant, from all men, including me. Physically, we didn't even hug or kiss. I wondered why, and I found out why on Thursday. She was molested about a week ago. she couldn't voluntarily do anything remotely physical with ANY male, including me.

The way it happened was she was walking down Yonge Street, here in Toronto (A major street, filled with thousands of people at any time). She met a guy (who she thought was gay) and walked and talked with him. She trusted him enough to go walking with him through a dark park. He forced her into his vehicle, and drove her to a remote parking lot, and sexually molested her. This all happened at about 10:30/11:00 at night.

Now, when she told me, she also broke up with me. She has lost trust for any man, and there is nothing I could do but accept her request to break up. I understand why she had to do that, so I made it as easy for her as possible. She said she feels guilty for having to break up with me. I let her know that I am here for her if she wants to talk. But what else can I do to help?

She was sexually molested in school when she was 12 through 13 years old. She seems to be handling the molestation fairly well, but almost too well. Its like she just tried forget it. Supress the feelings she has. She hates to cry, and won't show emotion. She feels it is a sign of weakness. So, she has got through it before, and I guess she has some confidence that she can do it again.

My only question is what do I do? How can I help?

Thank you,
JR

N0help4u

She seems to be handling the molestation fairly well, but almost too well. Its like she just tried forget it. Suppress the feelings she has. She hates to cry, and won't show emotion. She feels it is a sign of weakness. So, she has got through it before, and I guess she has some confidence that she can do it again.

First of all, she is NOT handling it well or she would not treat ALL guys this way because of what ONE guy did.
She needs to report as much as possible to the police so they can try and find him.
It sounds like he could do this on a regular basis and she is not helping it from happening to somebody else.
She needs to go to counseling to really get through this so she can learn to trust guys and not misplace her trust issues on other guys.

jrsg

I have tried to tell her to go to the police, and I have tried to convince her counseling coud help.

I don't know what else I can do though.

I think that is all I can do. I could report it, but it isn't really my story to tell. I think that would be a MAJOR invasion of her personal life. All I can do is give her my opinion, and try to convince her to do the right thing.

katie609

maybe you should sit down and talk to her, tell her that you love her and would never do anything like that to her and just explain that to her.
she should probably see somone about this, because its really hard and confusing

jrsg

I wish I could sit down and talk to her right now. I needed to give her some time to herself first. She is now on a 4 week vacation in British Columbia, and won't be back until mid-August. I will hopefully be able to sit down and talk to her. The 4 weeks will be plenty of time for both of us to think about things ourselves. We can finally talk when she gets back from BC.

Thanks for the advice, Katie609.
But I would like your opinion (and others opinion) on one other thing;
I want her back. BUT, I don't want to pressure or guilt her into coming back to me when she isn't comfortable with it. I know you can't 'convince' someone to love you, but can I convince them to trust me, and convince them that we can get through it together?

When we sit down to talk, should I focus on getting her help? Or on getting us back together? or both? Right now, I think her getting help is definatly of a higher priority, but I would also like to make a part of the conversation about us getting back together. I am pretty sure I can balance the conversation out.

But, can I convince her to trust me? Can I convince her that we can get through this together? Or should I just give her space, and not even ask? She also said that one of the reasons she broke up with me was because she can't do anything 'physcial' voluntarily for a long time. I don't need to do anything physical though. I love her for her, not for her body or anything like that. Do I tell her this? And ask if she wants to get back together and deal with what happened together?

katie609

you need to realize, that its not you. its the fact that she got molested..well im sure you know that
but anyway, she most likely isnt going to want to talk about it because shes really confused and lost right now even if it has been a few weeks, so i think you should focus on one thing at a time , maybe not necessarly getting her back or getting her help yet, but try to comfort her . send her cute little texts or maybe just smile at her from across the room. you deffinitly dont want to ask her to get back together yet, its too soon. but once she starts to get comfortable around you again then sit down with her and tell her that you can get through it together and that you dont need anything physical right now and all that. if shes still not comfortable with you, focus on getting her help..

jrsg

Thank you

hjpan

smokedetector

hjpan

While the ideal situation is the guy goes to jail, it may cause more harm than good for the OP to take that into his own hands. That is completely up to the ex girlfriend to do, especially since without her testimony or rape kit, etc, the guy would be hard to convict. It could cause resentment with the ex gf as well. I don't suggest it without her permission.

hjpan

The OP needs to convince her enough that life isn't joyful. But putting some dipsh*t behind bars for a crime committed is best.