How do I leave my daughter to get on with her life

carmen drysdale · #1 Nov 12, 2006, 11:58 AM

My daughteris 19, studying music, which she says she loves at university, she is still living at home.

She is unmotivated and does hardly any uni work. she should be in her 2nd year but is having to repeat part of the first due to not passing sufficient modules.

I worry so much that she is not going to pass or succeed that I am constantly going on at her about studying and committment, she shows not determination or motivation at all

I have assured her that if she feels that university is not for her, then she should feel free to find another pathway into her chosen field. We have terrible arguments about it, and I stay up all night worrying and thinking of ways to help her but I really think that I should be standing back and letting her sort herself out.

I have always supported her with her academic work and thought that once she was finally doing what she loved she would standon her own two feet and sort herself out.

Help me please

shygrneyzs · Nov 12, 2006, 01:41 PM

As hard as this may sound to do, please give it consideration. Give your daughter a time line to move out and be firm about it. Right now why should she have any motivation to do anything? She has got free room and board, not? I would not be too generous either with helping her move out - the depost and first month at the most and some groceries but after that - she will have to sink or swim. And be TOUGH.

unsure42 · Nov 13, 2006, 09:20 PM

stop paying for things MAKE her get a job and keep it! then set a date for her to move out. give very little finacial support after this, On christmas dont make money a gift get her something that will help her stay focuse, school supplys ect.

this is going to be very hard and haveing a good friend to talk to it about is a good idea.

AKaeTrue · Nov 13, 2006, 11:21 PM

No disrespect, but I couldn't disagree more with the first two responses.
Until you know the reason behind your daughters lack of motivation and disinterest in her studies or the cause of her failing grades, I wouldn't do anything irrational.
Is her uni work not getting completed because she's out with friends instead?
Or does she spend most of her time at home?
Knowing her mental state and getting to the core reason behind these troubles is the first step in finding a solution.
Yelling, fighting, and arguing over the situation is only likely to make matters worse.
If you are assuring your daughter in a compassionate way that it's OK to take another path that might lead her to happiness, then I don't see why she would pass that up if she were in an unhappy situation.
Unless,

Quote:

I have assured her that if she feels that university is not for her, then she should feel free to find another pathway into her chosen field. We have terrible arguments about it

, if this is a derogatory statement that leads her to believe that by doing so she will disappoint you in some way, she may be reluctant to do so. This fear of being a disappointment to you can come out as anger and lead to fights.
You both must have respect for one another and calmly discuss the issues.
She mustn't be allowed to mooch or run all over you, but she needs to know and trust that you believe in her.
If you could please elaborate a bit on your daughters persona, it may help to better suggest ways to go about the situation.
Until then, keep your composure. It's not always advisable in every situation to stand back with the hopes that your child will make the right choices throughout life and find their two feet one day. As parents it's our duty to gently guide them to their feet, never criticizing or belittling, and to never give up on our children.
Kae

lovelesspa · Nov 14, 2006, 05:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carmen drysdale

My daughteris 19, studying music, which she says she loves at university, she is still living at home.

She is unmotivated and does hardly any uni work. she should be in her 2nd year but is having to repeat part of the first due to not passing sufficient modules.

I worry so much that she is not going to pass or succeed that I am constantly going on at her about studying and committment, she shows not determination or motivation at all

I have assured her that if she feels that university is not for her, then she should feel free to find another pathway into her chosen field. We have terrible arguments about it, and I stay up all night worrying and thinking of ways to help her but I really think that I should be standing back and letting her sort herself out.

I have always supported her with her academic work and thought that once she was finally doing what she loved she would standon her own two feet and sort herself out.

Help me please

Yes, definately stand back, this is the beginning of HER life, if she's not motivated in school,that's herproblem, if shes not studing enough, let her fail, you have raised her and now she must learn on her own. She'll eventually get sick of the fact that she just standing still and do something? Are you supporting this school, if so tellher the money runs out when the original time period is up to get the first degree. She will make it, she just in a lull right now and all your talks and nagging won't help, stand back and wait for her to ask you what she might do to improve her situation, but for now, your job is over let her make her own mistakes and figure things out. It'll be OK



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