[star3114]

I have a huge crush on my husband's best friend. My story is a little bit different than the other ones out there. My husband and I have had a very rocky relationship. We have been married for 7 years, and most of that time was like a roller coaster.

We have had physical altercations, but that was some years ago. He and I are so different. I have made successful attempts at getting involved with his hobbies and other interests. However, I am still unhappy.

We split up for a couple of months about six months ago. He apologized for all of the awful things he said and did to me. Although he has made significant strides, I see some of the same issues coming up. He is really cruel with his words.

About two years ago, I was introduced to my husband's friend. It wasn't until he and his wife were in the middle of a divorce that I got to really know him. He is like the good parts of my husband and more. We have so much in common,and we can talk for hours. I look forward to our conversations. I can't get him out of my head. I find myself daydreaming about what life would be like with our two families blended. I like the picture... a lot. My kids adore him and so do I. He is everything I ever wanted in a man.

My 8 year old asked me, when his dad and I were separated for the 3 months, if I was going to divorce his daddy and marry the best friend. My heart skipped a beat. I have not talked with anybody about this.

It is funny because when his friend describes his ideal woman, he is describing me to the 'T'. I don't know if his friend has feelings for me too, I am afraid to ask. This friend is my husbands only friend and if anything happened, it would devastate him.

However, I am starting to get to a point of getting tired of doing what I think I should, and start doing what makes me happy. I am so miserable.

Please give me your advise.

[Stringer]

For one thing star3114 I wouldn't have an affair while you are still married to your husband. This will only produce many additional problems for everyone especially the children.

Although this is only my opinion, I am staunch in my belief that being unfaithful in a marriage is never the answer. Only a brief fantasy. Eventually one thinks "if she cheated on him what will keep her from cheating on ME? I don't think you want to live that life.

If I may, I suggest that you first decide what you are going to do about your marriage. If you decide that it is not what you want then do the right thing and get a divorce. This marriage has to be your first concern and your first action; decide to stay or get a divorce. Anything else; what this "best friend" of your husband thinks/feels for you should be secondary.

If you decide to end the marriage I would keep any communication with the friend to a very minimum between now and the end of the marriage. Already your child is somewhat aware. Afterward you could explore other opportunities with the friend or others.

Keeping it "clean" is the best for everyone, including the "best friend." When you are single there is no reason not to pursue him or he you if he feels the same way. Doing it this way will exempt yourself from many more problems that you really don't need.

I realize that you never mentioned having an affair but from what I read in your post it may have already begun. If not physically (not necessarily sex, just meeting him somewhere) then it has emotionally.

Stringer

[star3114]

I have not had an affair and continue to be faithful to my husband. I appreciate your feedback. It made a great deal of sense. Thank you for your honesty.

[star3114]

I find myself always "doing the right thing". Is it selfish of me to want a divorce because I am unhappy? Or is marriage just this way and I should learn to deal with it for the sake of the marriage and the kids? I used to think marriage was such a wonderful thing, but now I find myself cynical. When people tell me they are getting married, I smile and say congratulations enthusiastically... but I really want to say, "don't do it". Is this the way that marriage is supposed to feel?

[saraispiel19]

Oh jesus thαnk god you hαven't tαken αny steps towαrds this feeling..

Honestly αnd truly deep inside do you wαnt to be with your husbαnd?-- do you still love him if the αnswer is no it's time for α divorce if you don't wαnt to work αt this αnymore then leαve-- it's being fαir to one yourself, your husbαnd αnd your son..

The best friend well I wouldn't go thαt wαy.. esp. if he still tαlk to your "husbαnd" this is α bαd bαd bαd pαth to go on stαr.. bαd.. I think becαuse your feeling neglecting your seeking someone else to "feed your needs"...

If you do get α divorce-- be with yourself αnd just your son... don't open one door without closing the other... both of you (the friend αnd yourself) would be going through the "divorce period" therefore your emotions αre αll α blurr αnd they mαy seem cleαr but you know whαt your heαrt decieves you... your heαds not on right since αll this hαppened... αnd you know whαt it's normαl-- I know [i'm going through icky seperαtion mαrriαge crαp αs well- so I'm here for yα]... if it wαs α crusty old mαn who wαs being nice to you or like I sαid "feeding your need" you'd be wαgging tαils with him αs well.. it's humαn.. You wαnt whαt you need αnd you get it where they provide it

Hold on girlie<3

Xxoo

Keep us posted we're here for yα!

[star3114]

Wow... very perceptive. Upon much self-analysis, I have determined when there were many times that I have started developing "feelings" toward other people. However, I think I wasn't around them for such an extensive part of time for it to turn into stuff that felt this strong.
To answer your question if I love him, I don't know. I care about him and I don't want anything bad to happen to him... but I don't know that I feel about him the way a wife should feel about her husband. So much has happened in our past that I am really having difficulty letting it go. I feel so much bitterness and resentment. We went to marriage counciling and the counselor said it was something I have to work through.
It is funny because when my husband screws up and says something insensitive or curses at me in anger... he will apologize later. I have told him I am tired of apolgies. I want results.
Am I just being to critical of him and it is feeding the fire? Am I just looking for more faults to justify my feelings? HELP!

[kayakinggirl]

Every married person has a crush from time to time. I have and I've been married for eighteen years and with my husband for twenty-one. It really is OK to have feelings for someone else (thank you marriage councelor-having been there). You just need to decide if those feelings are worth a relationship. My husband had a crush on my best friend for years, and he never acted on anything, and I tease him about it all the time.

[kayakinggirl]

Addendum: you are human.

[kayakinggirl]

And so is he-marriage counceling is in order.

[gallivant_fellow]

If you divorce your husband and his best friend still really likes you, I don't see a huge problem with it. Just because you married someone you thought you knew doesn't mean you deserve to live with it.

If you do decide to do it, I think you should wait a while after you divorce your husband though. I mean, if your kid even caught on to the events and wants him to be his dad, how could it be a bad decision? Kids growing up around fighting is really bad too, they remember it and often times carry it into their families when they're older.

If your husband is that bad, and you want to divorce him for someone else, who you and your kids adore, don't listen to negative criticism from other families. The families who do that sit around the dinner table every night making fun of other family's problems to hide their own. I have been a guest at one too many of those dinner tables.

Whatever makes you and your kids lives happy, do!

[saraispiel19]

Hmm well k I αm responisible of doing thαt "feeding his fire".. sαying smαrt-αss things just to be one step αheαd of him or just being α plαin jerk-off.. if you find yourself doing thαt out of spite or αny similαr emotion then yeα I would sαy you αre... you know when mommα used to sαy "if you don't hαve αnything nice to sαy don't sαy it αt αll" well here yα go.. this is where it comes hαndy...

αnd no it doesn't meαn you αre α doormαt either becαuse there is good criticizm too! You could sαy: "when you tαlk to me in thαt tone or sαy______ it mαkes me feel_______, i'm sure if i sαid the sαme to you you would feel the sαme.." try to mαke him understαnd how you feel, how his αctions hurt you..

Obviously he's working on it-- he's αpologizing step 1.. Okαy when he tries to be α little boy αnd rαnt on αnd be α brαt you know whαt you look αt him αnd wαlk αwαy... if he's αcting like α child treαt him like one.. if it is α serious conversαtion however like αbout bills for exαmple αnd you find him getting frustrαded offer him something to drink or for α breαther.. go out for α wαlk with him or give him some spαce for 15 min (the key is to cαtch him before he blows his lid-- he's done it plenty so you know the signs.. )

So in short be prepαred.. he's gonnα blow bαck off.. he'll see your giving him spαce so he cαn rαtionαlize his toughts.. you won't be there to bαdger him on how he hurt you (when you do express this though it hαs to be like before bed or when both of you αre clαm not in the heαt of the αrguement-- becαuse hun it'll be one eαr out the other for him)

Men αre different--- he cαn't reαd your mind... be pαtient continue therαpy -- your mαrriαge still hαs hope...

Rekindle thαt fire I know you'll do it girlie<3

[star3114]

My question is, by seeing everyone flee for the hills... what is that going to teach my 8 year old about handling himself when angry? I am already seeing very impulsive parts of him coming out that is much like his daddy. My husband is aware that he is a role model for his sons, and he is doing better... but most of the time he acts like a big kid. Now, I don't want mr serious or anything... but even my husband doesn't understand the time and place concept... how are my kids supposed to?

One of the things that really irks me is when I plan family outings... he whines and complains about how boring it is. I have told him that sometimes parents do things for the sheer enjoyment of their kids... he doesn't get it. He grew up in a large family... one would think he had the concept of what a family is. When his friend brings his kids over, he is right there with them... being involved. When we did Christmas ornaments, my husband was watching TV in the basement... and his friend was upstairs making ornaments with the kids... he was even teaching us how to make ornaments that I never thought of.

Many times I think my husband is an emotional zombie. He is perfectly content sitting on the couch all day while life passes him by. His emotions are okay... or pissed off, not a whole lot of in between. My dad actually asked him if my husband was an alcoholic because the mood swings he sees in my hub are the same as my dad saw in his alcoholic friend. I can honestly say that my husband is not an alcoholic... just a pain in the assoholic.

[saraispiel19]

α--holic-- lol heelααrrriousss


But well your child is still well α child-- you cαn tαlk to him one on one αnd tell him thαt thαt sort of behαviour is wrong..

Jeeze there is so much I would like to tell you αnd αdvice I'd love to give it's completely overflowing my brαin with thoughts... but I'll hαve to get bαck to you αsαp when I'm done with dαmn phαrm. School work..

Keep writing αll importαnt info. αnd tell us more αbout the husbαnd-- dig deeper.. whαt gets him reαlly αngry? Why does he tune out?--etc.

[star3114]

Any time he thinks I am trying to control him... he flips his lid. I really don't want to control. Many times what he percieves as control is just good advice. After he goes ape on me, then he takes some time and comes back. He says he is sorry and that I was right. If I am right, why can we just skip the whole going ape thing and just say... "you're right"? That was save us both a whole lot of time and agony.
I really am careful not to come across as overbearing, but sometimes he is so darn stubborn and just won't listen. He has this complex that if someone else is right, then they have control of him, and no one tells him what to do.
As far as tuning out, he is either absorbed into his hobbies or a couch potato. He says he is tired all of the time and doesn't have energy to do anything. They have done lots of tests. He is on anti-depressant meds (I don't think they have worked for 2 plus years). The tests are all normal. Something that one doctor suggested was chronic fatigue syndrome. He said that most people with that have sleeping problems, and he sleeps normal (had a sleep test to prove it).
He just doesn't have any drive. I make sure we eat extraordinarily healthy... lots of veggies and lean meats... minimal caffiene and sugar. But he just can't kick it into gear. The ironic part is when he is doing something HE wants to do, he has all of the energy in the world. Even when he is tired, he will drag himself through it to do his hobby (restoring cars, dirt bikes, etc.) Why can't he give his family the same ambition?

[Marily]

You mentioned that this was different than the other posts, how ?

[star3114]

Because most people post how happily married they are and how in love they are with their husband. I do not feel happily married and I am not sure I love my husband.

[Stringer]

Hi Star3114, how are you doing? I've been away for a day or so but I caught up by reading the new posts to your question.

Per your last post it looks like you have made a decision "not in love with my husband."

That being said... then I stand by my previous answer to your question; please read #2.

Good luck,

Stringer

[star3114]

Well, I have done a lot of soul searching these past couple of days. I looked at the issue from all angles and then I made a decision. I talked to my husband. I told him what I had been feeling and why I felt that way.

He was very understanding, to my surprise. He didn't get mad or anything. He even apologized for bringing me to the position that I had to dream about another man to fulfill my needs. I told him that I was really missing that spark and the spontaneity that we once had.

He said he'd work on it whole-heartedly. He said he was glad that I came and talked to him about this and that he'd had an idea that something was on my mind but he didn't know what, and that worried him.

So, we have everything in the open and, whew! I feel better. I actually feel a connection with him now and he said he feels the same way. Hopefully our bond will continue to grow into what a husband and wife should be. I will keep everyone posted.

[Stringer]

Wow, this is great news. You just proved a good point; when someone faces their situation head on you can open the door to a resolution. And in doing so we can also learn more not just about ourselves but learn about what's really going on with the other person. In your case it seems you and your husband just opened a new door.

Good job Star,

Stringer

[Stringer]

You are very welcome Star... keep the course.

Stringer