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For me personally. Well I had an argument or discussion with my mother in law. For me you can always find forgiveness, although I admit it is not always easy, but I can not forget. My mother in law says if you do not forget you cant forgive.. Ya, but the thing is you can always forgive but what happens when a person continues to do the same thing over and over and over again. If you forgive and forget it will continue to happen and repeat itself, but if you forgive and remember you will be able to prevent getting hurt over and over again at the same time forgive the person for their behaviour.
Does that sound mixed up? What are your personally thoughts on this?
Aqua, I believe that forgiveness is when you forgive someone for their actions, but I personally do not believe it is possible to forget.
At one time in my life I was beaten by someone close to me. I forgave his actions in that I do not ever bring that incident up even in a heated argument, but I will never forget what happened.
It was hard for me to forgive and took a long time, but time heals all wounds.
However, I believe that certain circumstances call for different measures.
Because of some life-threatening experiences, I have come to realise that forgiveness is about helping me, so I have cultivated the ability to forgive no matter what. I am sincere in this. Anything.
It is possible to forgive without receiving an apology (or refusing one that is not acceptable - more on that in a moment). I'll admit on some deeply painful events I have taken longer to forgive, but I eventually get there. It is a release and a welcome one too when it comes.
However with that said, forgiveness doesn't in any way imply that I will trust again or risk vulnerability. That is an entirely separate matter that often gets mixed up with forgiveness. I rebuild the broken trust when a number of conditions are met. Seeking my forgiveness and/or offering an apology is just a good start in that process. I want to see sincere change, if I am to trust again. So this notion of apologizing just to make me gloss over my feelings into some kind of pseudo-forgiveness when nothing else has really changed hits me as not a real apology, and I don't accept it. To do so would make me as phoney or false as them.
That probably begs the question how do you forgive someone who's apology you haven't accepted or will never recieve? All I can say is the forgiveness lets go of my end of the resentment/hurt and the apology, if done correctly, releases them of the guilt and hopefully of the wrong behavior too while allowing me to regain some of the lost trust.
Those who I have forgiven but remain distrustful about are simply sick people who don't understand what they are doing. Like M. Scott Peck in People Of The Lie, I don't have "bad" in my vocabulary so sick (as in not spiritually well) is as close as it gets. Whenever I am around them, I am careful but not ever hostile... no need for hostile, really, since the forgiveness flushes that out.
To forget completely (like it totally slipped my mind) is possible only when the trust is rebuilt completely or the error was so slight to begin with. Otherwise its not meant to be forgotten. It is one of many lessons I am meant to learn.
This is one of my favourite topics (in case you can't tell and I hope that wasn't too many thoughts!? ) and a good question, Aqua - thanks!
The answer, for me, anyhoo is that it depends who you are referring to. If you are trying to forgive and forget with a living relative or friend, then I think you can be happy with just forgiving them (unless they perpetuate their wrongdoing) I don't think you can forget as long as you are neurologically intact.
If now the person is deceased and you need to forgive and forget due to some type of traumatization; then I think that maybe you didn't need to forgive at all, but you forgot most of the feeling anyway, so you mostly forgot it anyway. But it still would be wise to forgive them for your own peace of mind.
The answer, for me, anyhoo is that it depends who you are referring to. If you are trying to forgive and forget with a living relative or friend, then I think you can be happy with just forgiving them (unless they perpetuate their wrongdoing) I don't think you can forget as long as you are neurologically intact.
If now the person is deceased and you need to forgive and forget due to some type of traumatization; then I think that maybe you didn't need to forgive at all, but you forgot most of the feeling anyway, so you mostly forgot it anyway. But it still would be wise to forgive them for your own peace of mind.
I agree that forgiving helps me to heal and move on ,but forgeting is a whole new ballgame as I'll never forget anything and will learn from that experience for future reference!
I'm not sure if I've forgiven my biological father or not (he committed suicide in front of me). I guess if I'm not sure then I probably haven't. But yes I agree with what everyone has said, it's important to forgive for your own mental health and peace of mind, not for the sake of the person who wronged you. And forgetting is definitely NOT possible for me, unless I had a lobotomy or something!!!
I forgave my biological mother a while back, but it took me a couple of years to do so. It was more of a process than an actual "act". I guess my only advice to anyone is, don't feel forced to forgive, be open to it and when you are ready it will happen.
31pumpkin agrees: Hard one to accept but I personally think that for anyone to kill themself in the 1st place, they have to be at least temporarily insane. Understanding may be all that you need for a long time. I've been there unfortunately.
Yup I totally agree with you, he was not well at the time. Still, it was very hard to take, he also killed his girlfriend at the same time and turned the gun on me too, although I am all right obviously.
I hope at some point to forgive him, but even knowing that he was ill doesn't much help the anger I feel. I guess part of that comes from the fact that my biological mother was also mentally ill and she didn't kill herself. You can't compare 2 people obviously but it's hard not to. Anyways I was in a suicide survivor's support group for a while, didn't get much out of it, but I may try again at some point.
Sorry to hear that you have had a similar experience. It's one of the worst things you can experience IMO.
ORANGE:
Interesting that you mention one thing ,anger. I couldn't ever say I had any anger after my father killed my mother & turned the rifle on himself when I was 18. So I think it was b/c the rest of my memories were completely opposite & positive. So I guess it has to do with your relationship to begin with. If it was something like abuse, then I can understand even hatred.
I hope I didn't freak you out,
God, smoke, & rock & roll. Ain't this life something else?
) and a good question, Aqua - thanks!
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