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Sam5972 · Nov 2, 2009, 12:46 PM

I had this girlfriend for 3 years who was so in love with me she would do anything for me. I took her to the Norco fair this year she met somebody and left me cold what the hell happened? When we first met she fell in love instantly which I thought was strange but cool.we spent a lot of time together. Ultimately she felt she was not sure I loved her. I admitted to her that I was the kind of person who takes a while to fall in love but I did love her. But once I fall in love it's extremely hard for me to stop. Needless to say over the years I fell head over heels for this girl. I guess I'm cautious because of past bad relationships so I probably put up a wall.
Anyway a month before she left she was crying to my friends about how much she loved me.I always knew this to be true or so I thought but now I'm not sure. We went to my daughters wedding in June and I started crushing on her hard.it seemed the closer I tried to get the more she pulled away. I took her to this fair and she wanted to walk around but I told her I was hanging with my family and she walked off by herself. This might sound crazy but when she met this guy I felt something leave me inside. I immediately looked up for her in a panic and knew something was wrong when I didn't see her. I've had this feeling before in the past when my ex's cheated on me and I knew the feeling to well.after the fair she told me she met an old friend from school. I jokingly asked her if she got his number and she turned to ask me why I said that, she looked like a deer caught in headlights. Any ways the next day I went to Frye's with my son and she didn't want to go. I pulled her aside and asked what's wrong she always went everywhere with me. After this she started going home in the middle of night I knew something was wrong so for the first time ever started checking up on her. She eventually got caught within a few days she grabbed her things left and if I try to talk to her now she talks down to me like I'm a fool. I can't believe she ever loved
Me if she could quit this easily. She blames me for everything and says I never loved her.I madly in love with her now and I can't go through another breakup like this. I'm scared I have no real friends and I'm not sure if I want to live. I told her I was sorry for taking so long to fall for her but that's the way I am. Is there any hope for us, does she really hate me this much. I don't know what to think.

Romefalls19 · Nov 2, 2009, 01:19 PM

She is trying to pin her meeting a new guy on you? Dude you don't need that. My advice is read the stickies on the top of this forum and go strict No Contact with her.

Imabadman · Nov 2, 2009, 02:07 PM

Yep... I agree with my compadre above, walk away from this one. When someone is in love with you they don't treat you that way. The circumstances don't really matter right now, what matters is she did it and now you have to deal with the situation. You can not control her actions or decisions. You can only control your actions and decisions.

I'd suggest you walk away from this one, yes it is hard I know. Find new interests, new friends, be with your family, heck… take up an English class and typing. Eventually you'll meet someone worth your while who isn't quiet as self-centered as your EX.

talaniman · Nov 2, 2009, 02:31 PM

You made a bad choice for a partner and now its time to regroup and restart in another direction. Don't beat yourself up for her bad behavior, or you being fooled by a charming witch. It happens to the best of us. We move on and don't look back.

Sam5972 · Nov 2, 2009, 02:40 PM

Threads merged

I've been trying nc for a month now and I keep failing. She lives a couple blocks from me and I can't stop driving by her house to see if the new guy is coming over. I feel so ashamed and week. I think they've only been together a short while and maybe it will end and shell come back. He doesn't even have his own place. If he does he never takes her there. Her roommate is a friend of mine and sometimes he tells me a little about what's going on in her life. I know I shouldn't ask but I miss her so much I feel like I'm dying inside. This isn't my first breakup so you think I would be used to this but my girlfriends have been scandoulous. My first wife left me for my sisters husband who was 15 years older than me and helped my family raise me while he was married to my sister. After that I had to pay the
1000 dollars a month in child support for 15 years.My second long term failure last 7 years with a girl I put through school whe I babysat her son. Then she left for the first lawyer she got a job with.
So this last relationship I kept my distance not to get hurt. And she blames this for the reason even after she met a new guy and left. I have no faith in women anymore and I can't live with the week needy person she turned me into. I was always the strong one In my relationships right up to the end then I get dumped and crumble. I need help I can't go on like this. For our whole relationship she was always needy and now I'm needy and she only gives me he'll for it and totally ignores me. Need help with nc.

Sam5972 · Nov 4, 2009, 11:48 AM

My ex girlfriend and I broke up about 7 weeks ago. She seemed to be in love with me bigtime but she met a younger dude and split. Weird thing is we never fought in the 3 years we were together but now if I try to talk with just as friends all she can do is insult me and start fights. I thought after spending years together we could always stay friends but it seems imposible. Never had these issues with past ex's so why is she he'll bent on making me feel like crap

itsamor · Nov 4, 2009, 11:51 AM

Because no one or no relationship is the same. Hence not all ex's are going to be same. It's just the way it is.

I wish · Nov 4, 2009, 11:58 AM

Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread so that we can follow your story.

Sometimes feelings change. It's a natural occurrence. Sometimes there's no logical explanation.

What you can do is accept reality and make the best out of a bad situation.

Any break up is tough, but time does heal all wounds. You just need to be patient with yourself.

Instead of trying to figure out "why". Try focusing on "acceptance".

itsamor · Nov 4, 2009, 12:03 PM

"I,ve been trying nc fora month now and I keep failing. She lives a couple blocks from me and I can't stop driving by her house to see if the new guy is coming over. I feel so ashamed and week. I think they've only been together a short while and maybe it will end and shell come back."

STOP STALKING HER! Not healthy.

Imabadman · Nov 4, 2009, 12:09 PM

Yeah Sam her actions may be understandable. To quote you, "I'm needy and she only gives me hell for it and totally ignores me."

Your lack of confidence in yourself and the needy behavior can be a huge turn off. Your approaches to her after the break up were probably seen as a needy/begging attempt at reconciliation. Don't know only speculating.

You said it yourself… you need help. So get it. Get off your butt and take YOUR life by the horns and take control. What's done is done. You can't turn back time but you can damn sure control what going to happen with yourself for the future. So you going to sit there or go out and get a better life for yourself?

Yuneshik · Nov 4, 2009, 04:47 PM

You are only feeling desperate(and love her more) because of a "rejection." Rejection makes you feel a loss. The person rejecting you doesn't feel this because she knows that you still want her. This is because people don't often tend to what they already have, and strongly desire what they can't or don't have. In this case, you can't have her but she can have you anytime she wants. She has the POWER over you.

The best way to handle this is to do NO CONTACT. Make her feel a loss too. Also, you can find a way to make her feel rejected, but do this gently. I am unsure if she broke up with you but if she did, tell her something like "I realize now that our break up was for a good reason." Just leave it at that and this will get her thinking. Also, this will also turn the tables on her. It will make you feel less desperate, trust me. Just think that she is only doing things to "test" you. This mindset will help you.

And there is hope, but DON'T KEEP hopes. Throw them away. Do your best and try to move on. You can try to get her back later or until she wants you back. This is because if you keep hopes, it will hurt you a LOT. It will also force you to screw things up with her, like breaking the no contact rule. This is the best way.

So basically, don't initiate contact, and make yourself unavailable a lot. Even if you know that she is starting to miss you, don't jump the gun. If you act like you like her back right away, it may turn her off again. It takes time to re-balance things.

The reason No Contact helps:

1. It will giver her space so that you won't annoy her.
2. It gives her time to miss you. How will she miss you if you are in her life everyday bugging her?
3. It may spark her interest that you aren't begging for her. She will begin to wonder about you, what you're doing, and if you've moved on.
4. This gives time to fix yourself up, both physically and mentally. If you don't fix yourself and get back into the relationship, you'll end up breaking up again and this time, it may be the end.
5. This shows her that you don't necessarily need her, and this will make her more desperate.

AND don't worry if you think you're being hated. Being hated is actually a good thing. This is because the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. If she's hating you, that means you still matter to her that it makes her mad at you.

AND don't worry. It may seem like she moved on already but it may have not hit her yet. That is why you shouldn't contact her. She will soon feel some loss just like you did and will start to miss you. She may even be faking it and act like she moved on already. This is what dumpers tend to do.

I have more insight on relationships but I have written a bit too much so I will stop here.

Yuneshik · Nov 4, 2009, 04:48 PM

You are only feeling desperate(and love her more) because of a "rejection." Rejection makes you feel a loss. The person rejecting you doesn't feel this because she knows that you still want her. This is because people don't often tend to what they already have, and strongly desire what they can't or don't have. In this case, you can't have her but she can have you anytime she wants. She has the POWER over you.

The best way to handle this is to do NO CONTACT. Make her feel a loss too. Also, you can find a way to make her feel rejected, but do this gently. I am unsure if she broke up with you but if she did, tell her something like "I realize now that our break up was for a good reason." Just leave it at that and this will get her thinking. Also, this will also turn the tables on her. It will make you feel less desperate, trust me. Just think that she is only doing things to "test" you. This mindset will help you.

And there is hope, but DON'T KEEP hopes. Throw them away. Do your best and try to move on. You can try to get her back later or until she wants you back. This is because if you keep hopes, it will hurt you a LOT. It will also force you to screw things up with her, like breaking the no contact rule. This is the best way.

So basically, don't initiate contact, and make yourself unavailable a lot. Even if you know that she is starting to miss you, don't jump the gun. If you act like you like her back right away, it may turn her off again. It takes time to re-balance things.

The reason No Contact helps:

1. It will giver her space so that you won't annoy her.
2. It gives her time to miss you. How will she miss you if you are in her life everyday bugging her?
3. It may spark her interest that you aren't begging for her. She will begin to wonder about you, what you're doing, and if you've moved on.
4. This gives time to fix yourself up, both physically and mentally. If you don't fix yourself and get back into the relationship, you'll end up breaking up again and this time, it may be the end.
5. This shows her that you don't necessarily need her, and this will make her more desperate.

AND don't worry if you think you're being hated. Being hated is actually a good thing. This is because the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. If she's hating you, that means you still matter to her that it makes her mad at you.

AND don't worry. It may seem like she moved on already but it may have not hit her yet. That is why you shouldn't contact her. She will soon feel some loss just like you did and will start to miss you. She may even be faking it and act like she moved on already. This is what dumpers tend to do.

I have more insight on relationships but I have written a bit too much so I will stop here.

Yuneshik · Nov 4, 2009, 04:55 PM

And becareful.

There will be a time when you feel like you should answer her calls or messages after a while(after ignoring about 2-3 calls). When you do, don't talk to her too much. Keep everything VERY short(but not so much to sound rude like "ok," or "yes").

Even if your message is just a "little" long, or if you chat with her on the phone a bit too long, she will automatically assume that you still like her and she will not worry about losing you, which means she will not feel desperate nor miss you.

That is the common dumper's mindset.

123skyscraper · Nov 4, 2009, 08:20 PM

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. But we all get dumped one time or another in life, and it is something we never forget.

You should read all the posts about the NC rule. I wish I found this site when I was going through my last breakup, the first time I got dumped by my ex, the player. I did all the things I was not supposed to do. Only when I started looking for help online on how to deal with being dumped did I start to heal and get better. You need to follow the rules to the T. As hard as it seems and as bad as it hurts, keep telling yourself that you are doing the right thing, heading in the right direction, and getting back to your happy self as each day passes by.

It does get worse before it gets better. Cry when you need to. Talk it out with a friend. Trash her if it makes you feel better. Whatever you do, do not contact her. Do not go anywhere near her. Write your thoughts in a journal. List all the bad things about her that you cannot stand, there are plenty if you really think about it. She is far from perfect.

She will miss you and will contact you. Do not take her back given the way she has treated you. Do not respond to her calls or emails. Just move on like she never existed. You deserve so much better.

Also, make a list of your mistakes in the relationship and learn not to commit them again.