[Chocodrip07]

I've just turned 25 and I've been married for the past four years. My husband was of a different religion, I'm saying this because he was bought up in a household where it was wrong for a man to enter the kitchen or to touch the broom. Whereas in my house my daddy helped my mom in everyway. Since my body has the tendency to put on a lot of weight I refused to buy electronic appliances like dishwasher, washing machine, etc. I instead prefer to do all of it manually.

My typical day consists of cleaning(mopping the floor and scrubbing the bathroom), dusting, doing the dishes, washing clothes, cooking, and working from my computer. My hubby does not do a single thing. Even a simple thing like boiling the water, I have to do it for him. Things have gone from bad to worse, he won't even keep his plate in the sink after he eats and I'm so bloody pissed :mad:. How do I make him understand that he needs to do some work, he need not do all the major work just some chores only when I ask him to. I want to tell it to him lovingly. Please help me, I'm angry and irritable all the time.

[Fr_Chuck]

You know he did not change religion and start acting this way AFTER you were married, you knew or should have known and should have discussed this before you were married.

Also I know of no religion where the man can not or does not help around the house, I know of some national culture where men are taught it is not their place.

But if he wants water boiled, don't do it, if he does not, he does not get any.

If his plate sits on the table for three meals, till there are no clean plates, it can sit. ** For my wife, I would be locked out of the bedroom or at least no romance to show me the error of my ways if she is not happy.

But you need to sit down and discuss it.

Also I may worry about no washing machine, although not required, it is a real difference in life.
Also why are you scrubing floors every day ?

[Jake2008]

I agree with Chuck. It is for religious reasons that he cannot lift a broom, put his dishes in the sink, or do a load of laundry? What does his religion say if he were not married to a slave. If he were living on his own, would he be doing all these things?

It sounds to me that you were sold this idea and accepted it, when you decided to marry him. At the same time, what may have seemed trivial at the time, has, over time, become a problem.

Do a little research and find out more about this religion of his. In addition to that, consider marriage counselling before things get to a point of no return.

Your needs have to be addressed, and I see no legitimacy in his lack of participation in the marriage.

[Cat1864]

Would you think about relaxing your 'no machines' policy if it meant he gave you some help? What are you willing to compromise on to get his help if he is willing to do chores?

Has he ever tried to help with anything including shopping? If so, how did you respond?

I knew a woman once (a friend of my grandmother) who swore up and down her husband couldn't pick up his plate to save his life and forget about putting laundry away. The man was no good for anything around the house. Listening to other people, it turned out that early in their marriage he couldn't do anything right according to her. Everything he did she complained about and did over. So he gave up trying and decided his father had the right idea to stay out of 'women's work'.

Your husband may have culture and tradition (in some places it is almost a religion in how strictly defined the roles are) dictating his role in the household, but it is something you both need to discuss and find ways to work together. If he does try to do things, make certain you encourage it instead of accidentally discouraging him.

Also, look around see if you are making things harder on yourself. Does the bathroom really need a daily scrubbing or just a quick wipe down? Who is going to complain if the floors are only swept not mopped?

Are you building up anger and resentment against him for not doing things your way? Is there a possibility he might try more if he felt he had some control over what (or how) he is doing?

[Wondergirl]

I'm wondering if he does other stuff around the house and property, such as vehicle maintenance, home repair and maintenance, lawn care, show shoveling, etc.

My husband and I decided early on to divvy up the duties. I did the inside work (although he does repair and maintenance), plus I pay the bills (he is lost), raised the children (where did those short people come from?), and stayed home for twelve years. He had a steady job with good pay, so kept us solvent.

Now he's retired, so I keep him busy with grocery shopping (his new love) and easy cooking (spaghetti AGAIN?? ). Never would I ever allow him (or anyone in his family) to do the laundry and fold clean clothes/towels. I have my way and refuse to share that job. I also like my dishes washed so I don't have to pick off food scraps before I can eat off them again. Oh, and I SOS my pots and pans; he'd never heard of such a thing (his mother's are black with burned-on grease).

So you have to pick your battles. He might actually be doing more than you realize.

[JudyKayTee]

I would TALK to him. You share a life, a bed, problems. Tell him how you feel. ASK him to help you. Have you ever asked him or to you simply simmer quietly while doing it all yourself?

Have to smile at Wondergirl's comments - my husband I split the "duties." I draw the line at laundry which is MY territory.

I do cater to him, though, and it drives my stepchildren bonkers. He wants coffee, I get it - and so forth and so forth. He likes being pampered. I like pampering him.

And so the beat goes on.

[Chocodrip07]

I'd like to thank you all for your answers. The only thing my husband does is go to the supermarket to buy groceries. Yes, I've spoken to him about this but it always ends up in a fight :(. My bathroom is pink and if I don't clean it for a day it becomes so dirty. As for mopping the floor everyday, it's marble and the more you mop it the better it shines.
I have to keep reminding my husband ten times just to wipe the fan. And yes, in his house, he doesn't enter the kitchen. My late father in law used to do the same. I remember one time I was sweeping the floor and as I was not feeling well my hubby took the broom from me and was about to sweep when his aunts came running beating their heads and calling out their god's name and yelled at him for tuching it. Such is the reaction there. I know this will take time but I really want him to help me, I'm afraid that when we have a baby he will not be a hands on father.

[odinn7]

If it's bad now, having a baby will only add more work to you as I don't think you'll be getting any help there either.

Tell him he needs to help or he'll have to fend for himself. Like was already mentioned, he wants water boiled, he can do it. Won't do dishes? Give him paper plates or none at all. Explain to him that marriage is a 2-way street and both partners need to be involved and if he can't do it, then the bedroom activities should stop as well.

Of course, you could always divorce the lazy sack. ;)

[Chocodrip07]

Of course, you could always divorce the lazy sack. ;)

I can be a little harsh with him but I can never divorce him, I love him too much. Maybe I should start yelling more. That way he'll be forced to help me...

[Wondergirl]

I suspect, once the baby comes, you won't be as worried about how nicely the marble floor shines or how clean the pink bathroom is. You'll be happy you have time and energy to get dressed in the morning and flush the toilet.

I used to fold the towels so the edges were even, the rough seams were on the inside, and they were folded a certain way so they would fit neatly in the drawers. The same with underwear. Sears and J.C. Penney's should have hired me as a re-folder. I can do it better than the factory.

Our adult autistic son lives with us wants to help out, and I gladly encourage that in order to allow him to earn his keep as a valuable member of the household. He (like most males) thinks very literally, but is open to instruction, so I tell him, "Today we are going to clean out the freezer," so he puts on his mittens, takes everything out of the freezer, we talk about each item before tossing it into the garbage or returning it to the freezer (all packages neatly stacked with labels facing out, so one can tell at a glance what is available). He throws in his two cents, but it's a joint project that takes maybe a half hour with both of us working at it. He's learned to clean the bathroom in the same way -- with both of us doing it at first, and then he on his own.

No, it's not always as perfect as I would do it, but I've had to let go and then am able to carve out time for other interests and projects. The coming baby will be a huge project for you, so begin your (gentle) training now!

[JudyKayTee]

Call me the next time you and your son visit your mother - I have a few projects for the two of you.

Out of "helpfuls" so here's moral support for your answer.

[Cat1864]

Or you can understand that he is having to overcome a lifetime of conditioning. He was raised with certain beliefs the same way you were. Neither of you are going to change over night or in four years just because the other person thinks you should. It would be along the lines of his saying that you can't do anything but clean. No job. No contact with anyone unless he says it's okay including on the computer. Somehow, I doubt you would accept those changes without balking.

Sit down and talk with him. No nagging. No begging. No yelling. Explain that you need help and you are concerned about the future and having children. Find a compromise that works for both of you. Once you have a compromise worked out, be firm but patient. If you can't work it out on your own, perhaps marriage counseling with someone versed in multi-culture/religion/caste/clan marriages.

Did the two of you discuss cultural/religious differences before marriage? Did you make certain you had the same expectations?