[MDAY2008]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years. We broke up twice during this time, the first was my decision and the second was mutual. After the second time I decided that it was a mistake and I wanted him back. At first he refused to and he started dating someone else, saying that he was so hurt about us breaking up twice already, so I stopped talking to him for about a month. Finally he came back, telling me how sorry he was and that I was 'it' for him and he would do anything to make it work. Now we are back together and have been for 2 months. I don't know why but lately I am so insecure in our relationship. Maybe just because he found it easy to date someone else while we weren't together and I was a mess? Whatever the reason, I've been crazy lately... looking through his phone, crying about dumb things, having bad dreams, I'm just so worried that he's going to leave. Throughout our whole relationship to this point I always felt like he cared more than I did about it and that he always put more effort in. Now I feel like I care more and like I am putting all the effort in and just going along with whatever he wants. He tells me that he loves me all the time, we spend almost every night together, we've been talking about moving in together, etc. but for some reason I just can't shake being scared and insecure. I analyze every little thing and think that if he acts withdrawn and isn't all cute and kissy with me for a little while then something must be wrong. It doesn't help that he hasn't really seemed that interested in sex lately either... he initiates it about once a week and we do it, but when I initiate he says no and just laughs like I'm kidding even though I'm obviously not. I just feel like I love him more than he loves me now, and I don't know if it's true or if I'm just being insecure. I really don't want to push him away with my crying and asking him if he really loves me, etc. What do I do?? Help!

[N0help4u]

He may just that he doesn't want to get too emotionally attached again until he feels secure that things aren't going to fall apart again. Unless you have specific red flags like he disappears for hours, is secretive about his phone and computer then you should give him the benefit of the doubt. If he is picking up on your insecurity then that may also be holding him back to.

[Chery]

I would make a list placing quality time on one side and 'routine/insecure/boring' time on the other.

Being together and having problems now and then for 2 years is nothing compared to being together for 20 years and accepting each other's 'little quirks' and still loving each other without having to ask.

If you have to ask if he loves you then you are not in tune with each other. You might have an ego problem because he hooked up after your break-up - but what did you expect him to do... seclude himself and wallow in sadness? Did you automatically expect him to understand all the problems you went through and place you in the center of his universe when you left him? These expectations don't sound very mature to me.

As for the once a week sex... that sounds to me like a routine for people over the age of 65 or more, so the spark is either gone or needs some refreshening on both sides.

You need to take some time to communicate your concerns and desires and see if he feels the same way. If not, then I guess it is time for you both to find a better solution for happiness - even if it is without each other.

We can't answer for him, so the best thing to do is communicate with each other and listen with mutual respect - then accept it if your needs in a relationship are not the same and work on them.

Good luck dear, I hope it works out for you and we will be here to listen when you need us, but you will have to do the work.

[talaniman]

Given your history so far, he may be cautious and you are spending so much on the negative, you have both neglected being positive with each other. How old are you two?

Don't move in together until you have proven you can work together, to solve your problems to the benefit of you both. You both will make each other miserable.

What do I do??

Find a way to deal with your insecurities, and if you need help, don't hesitate to get it!

[MDAY2008]

Response to Chery:
I didn't expect him to just wallow in sadness when we broke up... but it ended in a fight and I guess that I just thought that he would be as upset as I was and was hurt that he moved on so quickly when I couldn't even think about it. I'm not mad at him for it, I understand that we weren't together at the time, but he did it with one of his "friends" that he promised he never had any feelings for even though I always thought there might have been something there... and I think it just kind of shook my trust a little bit because of who it was.
As far as the once a week sex, as a relationship expert, what do you think is normal? I don't think I've ever had a relationship where we slept together more than once or twice a week... I mean after the first year or so, when of course it's more exciting and happens more often.

Response to Talaniman: I am 25 and he is 26, he'll be 27 in a month so he is about a year and a half older than I am.

[Romefalls19]

He is probably afraid to fully commit again, which I think you can understand. If he hasn't given you any red flags, then stop with the pyscho jealousy or it will push him away for good. Jealousy is the worst thing for a relationship, it's cute at first then acts like a cancer and slowly spreads until the relaitonship is dead

[talaniman]

Just understand how hard it is to bond, and grow, and even have fun together, when one partner is insecure, and over reacts, and act whacky. That hard for any one to deal with, and most don't. Its really time for you to take a proactive role in self control.