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mikemoulton · May 25, 2006, 07:06 PM

I am in a mess, and need some advice.
My wife and I have been together for 11 years. She recently told me she does not have "those" feelings for me anymore. I was shocked and heartbroke. She claims I was the perfect husband and father and it has nothing to do with me and that she is not seeing anyone else. She is 32 this year and has been hanging around a friend who is 19 and they have been going out alot(the bar scene). She asked me to separate for a while to see if she can get her feelings straightened out. I have moved to an apartment and she is in the house with our 2 children. I have them 50% of the time. I have suggested marriage counselling but she will not go. I have went myself. She wants to do a 3 month split to see where we end up. Do I give her the 3 months or do I try to settle it now?

CaptainForest · May 25, 2006, 08:52 PM

Why did you leave the house?

If she wants to end it, she should have got an apartment, not you.

But I digress…

If she refuses to go to marriage counselling, there isn't much left you can do.

Perhaps you should then move on. Or first attempt to get her to go to marriage counselling. But if she is not willing to go….

wizzkid89 · May 25, 2006, 09:08 PM

Strangely enough I have heard of people leaving after 10+ years in a relationship, its very sad but not uncommon. I think you should really pursue the idea of marriage counseling, it would not only help you and her, but maybe find out what is wrong with her. If she is not willing to go to counseling, then maybe you should suggest that she go and talk to someone.Like a psychotherapist or just a regular old counselor. Sometimes time is the best medicince, and she might just need time but I am a little suspicious of it because you have been together a while, and I don't see how a random number of months will fix her problem. I recommend that you talk to her a little more and actually find out her plan on what she wants to do with herself and what role you will play in her life, husband or ex. I know that is has been pretty straight forward and believe me I feel for you, it has to be so hard to just here this out of the blue, but you are taking the right steps by reaching out to someone, even if it is over the internet. Know that if any more problems arise or you are having more trouble that we are ready and willing to help.

P.S. When she becomes adamant that she doesn't want help, and she just demands time apart, it might not be bad to look into talking to a lawyer for the upcoming child support issue. If she is willing to do what she did to then it might not be out of her reach to screw you with the kids and that is the last thing you need.

orange · May 25, 2006, 09:19 PM

I think it's a little strange that she's going to the bar with a 19 year old friend, when she's 32. I know age doesn't always mean anything but it almost seems like she's going through some sort of crisis of feeling older and is trying to relive her younger and more freer years, possibly before she had children. Btw, I hope the children are being properly supervised while she is at the bar, especially since you say she goes there a lot.

If she doesn't want counselling, there's really not much you can do... you can't force her. I would suggest though that you go to counselling yourself. It would likely be helpful for you, to sort out things. It also may help you to decide whether you want a trial separation or go right into divorce proceedings.

Good luck, my heart really goes out to you!

Skell · May 25, 2006, 09:44 PM

I feel terribly sorry for you. I really do. It must be such a horrible thing to hear when you are married and have kids.
I just recently heard it from my girlfriend of 7 years. The same thing. She doesn't love me anymore. Horrible horrible heart wrenching thing to hear.
I am only 24 and had been with her for 7 years. She is the same age. I'm not sure if this applies to you or not as there are so many other factors (such as kids, marriage etc) but it was put to me on this forum that she had never had that wild girl period in her life. She was with me through this whole time. Your wife has been with you since she was 21. Perhaps the same thing applies and she is finding this fulfillment with the 19 year old. My ex is also finding her fulfillment with her younger sister who is 18.
As I said your situation is so different for many reasons but it is also similar in many ways. If counseling doesn't work then perhaps you need to let her go and expereince what she is with this younger women. Hopefully she snaps out of it but there must be something that she is getting out of this that she needs at the moment. It doesn't make it right but she won't stop as long as she thinks she is doing nothing wrong.
I hope everything works out for you. Stick in there and concentrate on the love you can offer your children at this time. They must be hurting so try and help them as much as you can even if you can't help your wife.
Good luck. Keep us informed.

fredg · May 26, 2006, 05:33 AM

Hi,
I am sorry to read this, and you do have some great answers.
Ever heard the old saying about the "eleven year itch"? Not many have, since I'm 64, married now for 29 years. I went through a Divorce after my 1st 7 years of marriage, with two small boys. Then 3 yrs later, married again. Your wife has a 19 year old friend? If this "friend" is a boy, then your 32 yr old wife is digressing to something in the past!
I highly suggest you talk with a lawyer. You have done all you can, and since you have moved out, talk with the lawyer about that. As another stated, she should have moved out. I do commend you for that, but you have given her an "easy out", by letting her keep on with everything, except you!
Since you have already tried getting her to Marriage Counseling, and she won't go, you have no other alternative. Please talk with a Lawyer, and see what to do next. You are facing Child Support, probably no alimony, since she instigated this, but you need some Professional advice. I do wish you the best.

phillysteakandcheese · May 26, 2006, 09:14 AM

Originally Posted by orange

... it almost seems like she's going through some sort of crisis of feeling older and is trying to relive her younger and more freer years...

I think this is exactly it. Both men and women can go through a mid-life crisis that compells them to do foolish things.

I would say to give it a chance and a little time, but if she insists on chasing this dream, you will have to move on with your own life.

Chery · May 26, 2006, 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese

I think this is exactly it. Both men and women can go through a mid-life crisis that compells them to do foolish things.

I would say to give it a chance and a little time, but if she insists on chasing this dream, you will have to move on with your own life.

You've received some super advice from everybody here, and also some insight of other's problems, so you know full well that you're not alone in this.

Stay with us and also keep us posted as best as you can. I would also give her the ultimatum of either seeing a councilor with you, or get ready to make a clean cut. This might make her reflect on what she really wants a little faster - and you'll no longer be in the dark.

Good luck dear, and I hope you have the chance to enjoy quality time with the kids.

When it happens to someone else, it does not hurt as much, but you realize that you're not alone in this.

mikemoulton · May 26, 2006, 06:19 PM

Firstoff I would like to thank everyone for their responses. I did give her a letter tonight when I picked up the kids. It basically stated that I was willing to do whatever it took to repair and rebuild our relationship and that I was giving her the weekend to think again about counselling, and that I wanted an answer either way. She either wants to make it work or is willing to try or we split for good.
I have consulted with a lawyer as she does not want to leave the house regardless of what happens. The lawyer suggested I move back in and force the house issue as she is not able to buy me out but I am capable of buying her out. My counsellor suggested that the 3 month separation would not fix anything without counselling.

mikemoulton · May 26, 2006, 06:21 PM

No this friend is a girl who is a single parent with a 7 month old baby

mikemoulton · May 26, 2006, 06:26 PM

She would not leave the house because she has a home based business and feels as though I could provide an equal lifestyle for the children somewhere else as I make more money than she does and she would have to struggle harder.

mikemoulton · May 26, 2006, 06:31 PM

Sorry everyone, as I post I am learning that how this forum works so be patient... please, I will get it right.

Chery · May 27, 2006, 12:27 PM

No problem mike... We can read and understand you well.

You did good in stating your ultimatums in the letter. Face to face would have been better - if she could have given you a chance.

At any rate, let us know what her choice was after the weekend, and stick with us.

Now is a good time to reflect on exactly what you had with her and what you want for your future also, one way or the other.

Time might work to your advantage, and I'll keep my fingers crossed.

talaniman · May 27, 2006, 01:29 PM

Sorry to hear of your problem, and no matter what kids always come first and since the oldest is 13 she probably has questions to be answered. Be honest without placing blame and make sure the children know that they are still loved by both parents. As for this separation I don't know why you moved I wouldn't have, since she is the one who needs whatever, not you. I like the letter part because you are entitled to know what the hell is going on, because you are the head of this family and just because she is not forthcoming about her feelings is not an excuse to putting the whole house through WHATEVER! Legally know your rights and you do not have to take her crap about anything just PUT THE KIDS FIRST! :cool: :(

s_cianci · May 28, 2006, 05:31 PM

First of all, move back into your house. You have just as much right to be there as she does. Why did you even leave in the first place? Also you have the right to be with your kids 100% of the time, not 50% of the time. If she doesn't like it then let her be the one to move into an apartment or whatever. Of course you and she will duke it out in court until the bitter end over the house, the car, the kids, even the dog. In short, you make her life a living hell. If she wants to leave "the perfect husband and father" she can, but it'll come at a dear price. By the way, make sure the "whole world" knows about her 19-year-old gigolo friend ; her parents, her extended family, her friends, her coworkers and of course your kids and when the time comes, your lawyer and the judge. Just make sure you live your own life clean as a whistle until the divorce is final. Get the picture?

mikemoulton · May 29, 2006, 04:48 AM

Well,
I talked to my wife this morning and let her know that I could not do a 3 month separation if she was not interested in trying to make it work. She said if I was going to give her an ultimatium then the answer is no. I told her I felt as though her mind was already made up and I did not understand why she just would not tell me that it is over. She said she wanted the time to make sure it is what she wanted. I told her that was unfair because it is at my expense. So where do I go from here, she still is refusing councilling and I just don't know if I now should be the "dumper" so to speak instead of the "dumpee".

talaniman · May 29, 2006, 05:00 AM

See your lawyer asap! You can also let her know that the house will be sold unless she buys you out. Get ready for a big messy fight. If you don't stand your ground she will run over you. No doubt she has friends telling her what she can get so be ready for a battle.

phillysteakandcheese · May 29, 2006, 08:20 AM

This is sad... But...
It's time to get a lawyer and start protecting yourself within the law as talaniman said.

valinors_sorrow · May 29, 2006, 09:41 AM

You have a lawyer and a counselor so, good, those bases are covered. I have a definite impression from your posts that you are a loving man who is badly devastated by some traumatic circumstances. My husband found himself in identical situation after 13 years of marriage which produced two children who were age 7 and 12 at the time.

He too was advised by a capable attorney and counselor but in hindsight it wasn't always advise with which he agreed. The attorney in his eagerness to protect material goods was not mindful of the damage that could be done to his relationship with his kids and the counselor didn't help him through the shock of how unbelievably damaging his wife turned out to be and what lengths she risked the kids trying to eliminate him completely from their lives.

If he were asked now looking back he would say please don't fight over stuff, it is only stuff and to a large degree fighting, ANY fighting hurts the kids. But make it clear, even though this contradicts what was just written, that if she interferes with your relationship with the kids in any way, you will pursue vigorous legal action to prevent that. Know your rights in that area well and be prepared to really fight only there. It is the only fight to have, in my husband's words now.

By my observation, many women in the US win more than their fair share from divorce by holding kids "ransom" and the men, worn down by fighting over stuff, don't fight there to stop the damage to the kids. I saw after effects of this in my husband's family when I first met him and it was terribly sad.

If you are to fight, at least make it over something really worth it and one your kids would understand in their own way or in the long run. I hope that helps with a different perspective.

mikemoulton · May 29, 2006, 08:25 PM

Well, I just spent a half hour on the phone prying for an answer, actually just talking about our past and where we go from here. She claims she is happy and has admitted that we will probably lose the house in this battle. She feels as though I am out to get her and I am not I am just protecting myself and the kids. I did not tell her but I want to stay in the house with the kids because that is the least disruptive to them. She admitted she has no ability to buy me out. Her home based business could be lost if the house is sold.
I have to talk to my lawyer asap and I don't see the councillor until June 7th so that will be a long stretch.