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rileyma · May 29, 2007, 11:53 AM

I've been dating my girlfriend for 5 months now. I'm 33 and she's 25. She is now saying that she would like to take a step back and have the opportunity to date others while she is still dating me. She only had one serious relationship back in High/School and didn't date while she was in college. I asked her in the beginning if she thought that she maybe needed to date more and she said no. I have asked her a few times since if she thinks that she needs to date more and has finally said that she thinks that she does. She is still always affectionate with me and says that she loves me. Anyone... please tell me what's going on?

steviebeezie · May 29, 2007, 12:18 PM

Ask something often enough, you're sure to get a "yes." Tell her NOW that you are serious about the relationship and that dating others is off the table, if that is indeed what you want. If you say nothing now, in a month or two we'll be hearing from you that she's with some other guy and is breaking it off with you. Be straight up with her. Either she'll give you a clean break, or you guy's will be able to work things out. Good luck

rileyma · May 29, 2007, 01:06 PM

Thanks Steviebeezie. Trust me... I have learned my lesson in that you should never suggest something that you don't want to have happen. Lesson to everyone!

The thing that I'm afraid of is telling her that she can't date others now and having her come to me later down the road asking for the same thing. I would just as soon have her get it over with now. Thoughts?

rankrank55 · May 29, 2007, 01:13 PM

First of all, it's only been 5 months and she is ready to see other people. Honestly, I would break it off with her and just let her be free because it sounds like she has not had the chance to do that. If she truly liked you that much she would not want to date around... trust me!

BigJG · May 29, 2007, 01:28 PM

Women... who needs them?

fix-what-you-broke · May 29, 2007, 02:36 PM

Its like asking a guy if he likes my best friend over and over, maybe in the end they tell you what you want to hear.
I would break it off with this girl for a while, give yourself a time limit, the amount of time you are prepared to give to this woman, to see if there is anywhere you can go in the future.
She sounds as though she isn't ready for the level of commitment you are looking for.

steviebeezie · May 29, 2007, 02:39 PM

Or she could be saying yes about the dating thing because you've asked her so many times and she thinks you're being noncommittal. Give her a chance to change her mind. You're not telling her she "can't" date other people. You're telling her that at this stage you want to be more serious and you don't think that you can handle her dating other people. If she wants to date other people, she's probably not serious about you. Look, you're five months into it. Either she wants to keep going at this juncture or she doesn't. Women sometimes will pull back if they think you're pulling back, to keep themselves from getting hurt as much. It just doesn't pay to play games. Tell her how you feel. The worst thing that can happen is she'll want to call it quits. Believe me, if she starts dating other people, that's what's probably going to happen anyway, so what do you have to lose?

rileyma · May 29, 2007, 03:29 PM

I've already told her that I love her and for me that means that there is no way that I can date anyone else. She says that she loves me too! How can someone say that they love you and want to date others? That just doesn't make sense! I went on a walk with her the other day and she was holding my hand and telling me that she loved me. I am so confused! Thoughts?

steviebeezie · May 29, 2007, 03:32 PM

Okay, I want to be clear on this one--you've already told her that you want to remain exclusive?

rileyma · May 29, 2007, 04:03 PM

I have actually flip flopped back and forth. I first said that I didn't want us to date others and broke up with her when she first brought it up. Then I called her the next day and told her that maybe it was best that we did date others. I realized that if I broke it off with her totally that things would be over no matter what since we would just fade away. She was glad that I reconsidered. We went that way for about a week. Then I just got really weird vibes from her and felt some distance between us. So, I decided to see her face to face and tell her how I felt. I told her that I loved her to death and couldn't date someone else while I was dating her and that it killed me to think of her dating someone else. So, I told her that I didn't want to be contacted by her until she had things figured out. She cried and kept asking me if she was doing the right thing. I finally told her that this was something that she obviously needed to do.

Well, the no contact thing lasted for about 3 days. I got to thinking about what I had said to her and felt that maybe I made a decision for her. So I called her up and explained that I wanted to be 100% exclusive and that I didn't want her to date others. She then was all cool and calm and said that she felt that this was something that she needed to do.

steviebeezie · May 29, 2007, 04:12 PM

Hmmmm... welll, I hate to say this, but it sounds like the flip flopping may have gotten to her. She's insecure about where things are going. I don't really know that you can fix that. Honestly, I'd say break it off. Tell her you're sorry if you seemed unsure of yourself before, but that you know what you want. If she doesn't feel the same way, she needs to go figure herself out. And you need to move on yourself. Who knows, given a few weeks, she may realize she's made a mistake. Just don't be wishy washy about it when she calls you back (if you still want her at that point).

rileyma · May 30, 2007, 06:36 AM

I talked with her last night. I told her that we need to take some time apart and figure things out. However, we have it setup to where we're going to see each other one more time this weekend. We both wanted to have one last night where we're not talking about all of this stuff. That way we're ending things on a positive note (if it is the end). Do you think that this is a good idea? What do you think she's thinking here?

rileyma · May 30, 2007, 06:44 AM

My girlfriend started telling me that she loved me after only 3 weeks of dating. I told her that it seemed too soon to be saying that. Then a week later I felt that I was having loving thoughts and started telling her that I loved her. Now we are at month 5 and she says that she loves me but would like to date others (along with me). I keep asking her how she could love me but would want to date others. It just doesn't make sense to me! My love for her is so strong that I can't bare the thought of me or her being with someone else. She says that she feels that she needs to date others since she never did a lot of dating. Is she really in love with me?

talaniman · May 30, 2007, 06:53 AM

No you both are attracted to each other, and infatuated, but don't know each other enough, for love as yet. Let her go, and let her do as she pleases or you'll resent each other. Sorry but you both have a lot of growing to do and not with each other. Give her what she ask for.

Ladyviper · May 30, 2007, 06:54 AM

She may have some feelings of love for you, but she is not in love with you. There are always the new relationship feelings that a lot of people mistake for love. Actually love is something that takes time, it doesn't just develop overnight or in three weeks. You will be hurt if she dates others, but it won't be the end of the world. In two or three weeks you will bounce back and everything will be okay again. If she wants to date other people then play her game with her, and you date other people too. Odds are you are not right for each other or she would never brought up the idea of dating others to begin with. She more than likely already has someone else in mind that she would like to date.

rileyma · May 30, 2007, 07:03 AM

I have asked her if there is someone else that she has in mind to date. She insistently says that there is no one else. Whether she's lying or not is beyond me. Thoughts?

clarityseeker · May 30, 2007, 07:56 AM

There very well may be someone else. Decisions aren't made in a vacuum. It is hard to imagine why she would simply tells you she wants the "opportunity" to date others and not have the intention of making herself available for someone else. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but my recent ex said in our "let's take a break" conversation that "there's a difference between being open to seeing other people and wanting to see other people" and that there wasn't someone else. I then found out from a mutual friend that she was seeing someone else. Every situation is unique, I suppose, so I'm not saying anything's for sure, but patterns emerge when you read a lot of these stories.

talaniman · May 30, 2007, 02:19 PM

Originally Posted by rileyma

I have asked her if there is someone else that she has in mind to date. She insistently says that there is no one else. Whether she's lying or not is beyond me. Thoughts?

What makes you think she would tell you there was someone else she was interested in?? That's expecting a little too much.

rileyma · May 30, 2007, 02:55 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

What makes you think she would tell you there was someone else she was interested in??? That's expecting a little to much.

Yeah, it's called expecting the truth. What ever happened to that!

Ladyviper · May 30, 2007, 07:30 PM

You know the old saying wish in one hand and **** in the other, well that is what you need to do. You can expect people to be honest all day long, but most won't when it comes to hurting your feelings. It makes it even harder when they may have some feelings for you. You can expect the truth, but odds are you won't get it.