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Diamondgirl · May 1, 2007, 06:47 PM

I'll try to make this as short as I can... I put my life on hold and moved back home to take care of my mother after my father died. I was in my early 50's. I'm now almost 60. I then moved in with my son because he couldn't pay his bills and wouldn't get out of bed, I took over the house, bought it, did some remodeling and hoped he would get back on his feet. He did get a job but never paid me a cent to help with the bills. My mother died in July last year and shortly after my son was arrested on drug charges. I had been divorced many years earlier. His father did come through and got a lawyer, got him out of jail, we got him through rehab and he now lives with his father and is working with him. I live in a very rural area, I am totally alone in a 3 bedroom house in a very small town and want to move back to the city where I work which is only 20 miles away. My son won't speak to me because I don't want to rent my house to him, I want to sell it. I need to sell it if I'm going to start over in another place. I have no friends or family here, he thinks I should stay here. I've tried to explain that I feel like I've taken years of my life to help everyone else and I feel like it would be nice if he would wish me well in trying to have a life. He says I'm selfish and that if I loved him I'd rent the house to him. I'm afraid if I do that he either won't pay me rent or he'll get back into that same old routine. I feel like he needs a fresh start, he says I should be more positive and trust him. I don't know what to do anymore and have lost my objectivity. His father seems to think I owe him this house for some reason and has told him as much. The property and deed are in my name. He says they are too crowded to live all together over there. I told him I'd help him find another place to rent, he said no, he didn't want anything to do with me because I obviously care nothing for him. This is breaking my heart, I know he's being a jerk but he's still my son. He's 34 years old, he's not a child. I've gotten so depressed, I don't know how to handle this situation. Am I being selfish?

Fr_Chuck · May 1, 2007, 07:40 PM

Of course he will not pay you rent, he will tear the house up, and want you to take care of everything, Don't break your heart they are tyring to con you, cheat you, if he was actually going to pay rent, he would be paying rent somewhere else.

Sell your home, offer to pay his rent a couple of months someplace to get him a new start, if he says no, it is his choice.

If you really love him you will teach him to live on his own, and be responsible, giving him a free house to live in, is not doing that.

AW805 · May 6, 2007, 11:46 AM

Your son can rent a home anywhere. He doesn't need you for that. He's a grown man and can take of himself.

As hard as it is, you must let go and move forward. Don't worry about trying to convince him of anything... you never will be able to do that. Roll up your sleeves, put your foot down and live for yourself.

reallyconfused1 · May 6, 2007, 03:39 PM

One word for you- I N T E R V E N T I O N!! It will continue as long as he is enabled to carry on that way. I think people with drug addictions can sometimes say things like "well i will just live on the street" etc. but I have heard that normally when an intervention is done and there will be no more money/no place to live, it usually perks their ears up pretty quickly.. just a thought.

isabelle · May 7, 2007, 03:57 AM

Sometimes the right decision is the hard decision. You know what to do, but I know how hard it is for you. Your son is a man but to you he is a child and always will be.
You sound like a wonderful mother or you would not be worrying yourself to death over this.
I know ( from reading your post) that you already know what you need to do. It may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you need to sell your home and live your life. Your son is desperate for his life style and will use anything to get you to finance this for him. He is using guilt and anything he thinks will hurt you and "bring you around". Please don't fall for it, you may never get out if you don't do it now.
You have did everything a loving mother could do, now it is time to pull out the stops and live for you.
Try not to be so hard on yourself and live your life. Maybe in time your sons cycle will change but in the mean time take care of you. It is time. Good luck.

1badchoice · May 7, 2007, 08:10 AM

Just a quick thought... isn't this home where your son was when he was using? More than likely he has a lot of "friends" in the area who he used drugs with... Moving back to that area could be the worst thing he could do if he is serious about staying well. It's called tough love for a reason. It's not easy but you have to do the right thing. Sell the house, take care of you, don't let him manipulate you. This is easier said than done I know but it has to be... or you will be enabling him to go right back to what he was doing when he started using. Extend the offer of helping rent somewhere else and leave it at that. Time to take care of you and your future. Being a mom is hard but letting him run you over is easy. Cathy

kanicky73 · May 7, 2007, 08:30 AM

Here is another idea for you. Make your son prove to you that he has truly turned his life around and is ready to function as an adult in society. You say that he has a job now and is working full time. Sell the house to him. If he needs a little bit of help with the down payment then as the owner and a family member you can give him a gift of equity. You won't be putting cash in his hands but rather "crediting" him the down payment, closing costs etc. This way he will have to make sure that he keeps his job and stays on the straight and narrow. If he doesn't and loses the house, he has no one to blame but himself. The biggest thing with addicts is they are always looking for a scape goat. Make him accountable! This way your both getting what you need, he gets the house, you get to sell it.

xxAngskixx · May 7, 2007, 08:36 AM

Your son does sounds stubborn and that he's diggin his hals in till he gets what h wants. What I don't understand is why do you owe him the house/flat? You moved in with him to get him out of bed! You helped him through rehab if anything he owes you! You've been through so much! Try and ring him or sit down and talk to him... make him sound like the good guy (You've been great to live with but I really need to start living my own life now!) <things like that... if you feel like you getting stressed when he's talking to you or starts shouting just say I don't want an argument and fall out... Maybe try spending the day together and bond a bit! I hope you manage to work things out!!

kanicky73 · May 7, 2007, 08:45 AM

xxAngskixx I think its way beyond the "sit down" talk. If it were that easy they would have just sat him down when he was doing nothing but sleeping all day and said, OK enough of this! He did take the steps and went through rehab but what concerns me is that most people that go through rehab usually come out with a better attitude and not the "everybody owes me" attitude. It makes me wonder if he still needs some ongoing treatment to help with his outlook. Rehab isn't just a 6 or 8 week course and boom your suddenly fixed. Its an everyday ongoing journey of self recognition and self help and learning to become accountable for your own actions and stop blaming everyone else. He sounds as though he still needs counseling badly. It's a parents instict to feel that they need to step up and help, but what we need to remember here is that your dealing with an addict and the more you help the more you become their scape goat, and you can bet you will be the first one they blame when something doesn't go right. You need to tell your son that if he refuses to stay sober and refuses to help himself, then there will be no more free room and board, no money, and no emotional support. You can't keep feeling like this either. One of the ways to do that is to do what I suggested earlier and sell the house to him. That in itself may make him feel better about himself and able to say wow look Im a homeowner. It's a good feeling when it happens!

excon · May 7, 2007, 08:57 AM

Originally Posted by Diamondgirl

Am I being selfish?

Hello Diamondgirl:

I don't think being smart is being selfish. Look out for number #1 - apparently ain't nobody else going to do it. Unless, of course, you like living out of a shopping cart.

excon

J_9 · May 7, 2007, 10:04 AM

Diamondgirl, You have most definatley gotten some fantastic advice. I would like to reiterate the words "enabler" If you do this for him you will be enabling him.

He is 34 years old for crying out loud, he should be in his own place supporting himself at this age.

For all these years you have been taking care of everyone else and putting your needs on the backburner. It is time for you to take care of yourself and make yourself happy.

If you want to sell the house, by all means do it. It is in your name. You deserve a fresh start after all you have been through.

His father, your ex, is making you feel guilty. Well, they are ex's for a reason aren't they? You took care of your son when you needed to, it is now Daddy's turn.