[sad but true]

My ex and I(separated for 2 years ) have a parenting order in place where he has the 2 girls (ages 5 and 12) every other weekend and they reside with me on a day to day basis. He has breached every stipulation on the order and them some. He hasn't seen the girls since christmas 2006, come to find out he has a crack/cocaine addiction and his common-law girlfriend also has a crack/cocaine addiction plus she is bi polar. When the girls were in his care they would come home clingy and sharing their frightening stories with me of the fights that broke out, drinking, parties, drugs and how dad doesn't really spend time with them. I worry for their safety, my girls go from a functionl home to a severe disfunctional home. What do you think the outcome could be if I were to take him back to court regarding all this? I want full custody, visits one day every weekend (sundays maybe) absolutley no sleep overs, I want no verbal contact with him due to mental/verbal abuse and phone contact with the girls only once a week every week. Is that asking for too much? I honestly think the girls are better off without him and the drama he adds in their lives. What should I do?

[want to be mccarts babys]

Well I kind of have experience in that thing because my father has a crack/cocaine addiction the best thing for you to do is let your daughters tell the judge what they see and experience when in their fathers home and care! That should give the judge the point of view you have!

[excon]

Hello sad:

I think your chances of stopping visitation are about 10 to 1 against you. I think the chances of your ruining your children's lives because of this is 100%.

excon

[acicomp]

I would say you are in a bad spot. You could probably have most of the original order modified and even modify the visitation. If you had a NICE judge, you could probably have supervised visitation for him. Most state laws require you to allow phone calls from the other parent. I would also suggest, for your kids sake, to take the high road and avoid bad mouthing him in front of them. Don't make excuses for him but don't destroy him. Crack addiction is a terrible addiction that most folks won't understand. It changes people into something they really aren't. I do feel for you. The goal should be to try and keep the kids shielded and protected. Regardless of the "chance" in court, you are obligated to protect your children to the fullest and you need to move into an evidence gathering mode and then to a legal mode. First and foremost, CALL YOUR ATTORNEY. I would also try and get a lawyer that is well respected by the court systems in your area. Hope any of this helps.

[Fr_Chuck]

You are going to have to prove the drug use, Unless you can prove it, the court will see you basically as a hateful ex who is lying about her husband.
He would appear in court in a suit, and acting like a Sunday school teacher.

So it is not what you know, not what you think, it is what you can prove with evidence the court will accept.

But for the good of the child all you can do is try.

[mksbbygrl05]

I agree with the last answer, but there has to be some way... a restraining order, or supervised visitation, something. I never had to prove anything when I went to the court house and got a restaining order on my ex because my daughter came home with a black eye. There were no questions asked then. When I filed for the restraining order a court date was set so that he could defend himself and also the judge spoke to my daughter. Luckily for me, it was a misunderstanding and he was not abusing her. But if your children are in danger or you even feel that they are, you must do anything necessary to protect them, you can never be wrong for doing that. Even without proof, you know your kids and you are all they got.

[wynelle]

come to find out he has a crack/cocaine addiction and his common-law girlfriend also has a crack/cocaine addiction plus she is bi polar.

"common-law girlfriend"? What the heck is that supposed to be? Do you just mean his girlfriend? Common-law spouses are pretty much non-existent by most states, anyway.

Back to the real questions: first, what proof do you have of his drug use or her drug 'addictions?' And what makes them addicts vs users? And her medical history is really none of your business unless she is not being treated and has violent mood swings which HAVE (not could) put your children in danger.

My child came back "clingy" from every visit away to his father. As angry as I was at my ex-husband, I would never be able to accuse him of any inappropriate actions around our son. Its something that happens--children can get clingy with the primary caregiver.

While I am not saying this is really the case, you are coming off as a bitter vindictive ex. Have any of the children's teachers noticed any problems? Can you get the girls in therapy? Then you can have the therapists discuss any problems noted, and possibly get the visitation revised. It goes without saying that if either child is harmed, you should immediately file for a change in visitation. Also, if either ex or GF is admitted to the ER or arrested for possession or ditribution, it's a no brainer.

[47yo]

Hm... What state are you in? In almost every state, you can file a motion to modify the existing court order. Then the next step is usually to go to mediation, where you try (sometimes over and over again) to reach an agreement. You can voice your concerns to the mediator - just be careful to focus on what's best for the children, not how bad their father is. Prepare for mediation - decide exactly what it is you want and stick to it - and anticipate what the father might say (that he never does drugs, that you are trying to alienate him from the children, etc.) and develop a counter argument. In some places, the mediator will make a recommendation to the judge and the judge almost always makes that a court order. In other places, if no agreement is reached in mediation, then you basically tell the judge the same info. In my experience, it is extremely rare for a judge to talk to the children. In California, they are not allowed in the courtroom. However, a mediator might very well talk to them - alone, without either parent being present.

I think your chances may be better than other posters think - but you never know what a judge is going to do. Still... you may not have a lot to lose. If you're in California, there are self-help resources available at most courthouses.

[47yo]

One more thing - if Father hasn't seen the girls in a long time, it makes it a lot easier on you - in your motion, you can state that you want a court order conforming to what is really happening, since he doesn't see them anyway.

[jaxie]

I have to agree with ex con with this the last thing you want is your kids in court and the State coming in and envestigating... God forbid they could say to you if you KNEW what was going on WHY did you keep bringing the kids there? NOW EVEN IF HE has visitation what I would do on the visitation day is say NO to him if he calls the cops you TELL THEM WHY the kids can't go. OR you call the judges office and tell THEM that you Won't ALLOW the kids there and WHY then get a new court date THEN and ONLY THEN because if you get the cops involved NOW AT THIS POINT you are going to look like a jealous x and you can't prove he IS on drugs. GOOD LUCK

[47yo]

Well - be careful about listening to people who aren't lawyers. If he has court ordered visitation and you refuse to let the kids go, YOU are violating a court order and could be found guilty of Contempt - and sentenced to jail. If you called the cops to tell them why, they'd probably just take the kids and give them to father for the visitation - and make a police report about how you refused to let them go. You just can't take things into your own hands like that.

Instead, you need to follow the proper procedures and file a motion to modify the court order. If you consider it an emergency - kids in danger and he's insisting on taking them, then you can file an ex-parte application for order - means the judge can order visitation suspended on an emergency basis without a hearing.

As for calling the judge's office - that's ridiculous. Under the law, the judge cannot listen to anything ex-parte (outside of the courtroom) without the other side being present. No judge is going to take that call - but you can bet the judge and the clerks will remember that you tried - not a great way to be remembered!

[47yo]

As for the state coming in and investigating - that might be the very best thing, as long as you are "clean". You don't have to worry about why you let them go before - it was a court order! You did not have a choice - and if he wants to exercise his visitation, you STILL don't have a choice - unless you get into court and get an emergency order suspending his visitation.

Quite frankly I'm at a loss as to why you have received such negative responses to your post. I re-read it and I've seen your same situation probably over a hundred times. Sometimes the mom was making things up or exaggerating, sometimes not. Generally the truth is found out eventually - and in the meantime, the court has a tendency to err on the side of caution.

Now if you said "I don't want them to ever have anything to do with him anymore", I'd say watch out - you'll probably lose. But although I know that's how you feel (from the statement about how they'd be better off without the drama), you would agree to one day per week. YOU don't want to talk to him, but you'd allow phone visits once per week. For now, that's not unreasonable, especially since he's not exercising his visits.

I will tell you, though, that if he straightens up and wants more and more time with the children, he will probably get it - eventually. But the 12 year old will have a lot of input about what happens - the problem then will be that the 5 year old won't want to go alone - but time to worry about that when the situation arises.

[jaxie]

Hun what is sad is that the burden of proof is on you. Trust me I been there. Although it is sad and should not be that way it is. Can you possibly hire a private eye>? I did and believe me that counts. It's the only LEGAL WAY of well I hate saying this but watching/stalking someone. A private eye if you can afford one for 6 days will show his goings on where he goes what's he doing who's he doing it with their reputations and so on. NO CHILD should have to suffer. My Lord that is the biggest crime in the world. To hurt a child. It breaks my heart. The one I had put a tracer (unbenonst to HIM) under his car aimed microphones at homes he was in got it all on tape traced the backgrounds of his so called 'friends' took pics of him IN THE DARK through infrared lites... followed him into bars followed as far as 4 miles behind him so he never saw them its amazing how they do it... they had people offer him things in bars to see if he would do it you know they sat in the bars and made like they were making a new friend with him... the whole nine yards... and in court it ALL MATTERED. IF you did it on your own forget it. The law won't allow it and then there's the matter of like the previous poster said... it could look like you were making it all up.

[jaxie]

Ps my fam and I may have gone broke but you can't put a price on a happy childhood. If you can't afford one let me know and I will do what I can to help you find one.