[GypsyQueen]

Ok, I'm hot, very sexually active and amazingly happy in my almost 2 year relationship. We live together and have pretty much since we starting dating. I start sex he starts sex there is no problem with communication. I feel him all the time if I feel distant or if he's distracted or I show him my appreciation for our love. However, the 2 hours out of the day he is without me he has been downloading porn. Where he now has 27 downloads on a "hidden" file on his computer. He doesn't know I know about it but it has affected my confidence and making me question us. So I then get insecure (which is stupid) and break down and reach out to him and ask why he's been so distant. But he resisted me that its in my head, he's in love with me and nothing is wrong.

So, I don't know why he is looking everyday. Its fine once in awhile or whatever but why has it all of a sudden been a everyday occurrence? We still have been having sex and are intimate and happy. What is his purpose and is it a daily release? Does it help him with our sex life? Is he getting off on it or just looking for ideas? Its all different types of porn (nothing crazy) usually just 2 but some multiple women. Mixtures of blonde's and brunettes.

And now here comes the insecurity. Like I said I'm hot LOL but I have smaller boobs than I would like to have. As they are a nice 34 b and a good handful. All these women have fake tits. I talk to him all the time about getting boobs and he's all for it. So, I don't know if that's a factor as well. I don't want to stop him from watching as I don't want you be controlling. I just want to get in his head an just understand why he's been doing it in the daily before I get home from work and then I get no play because we cook, go the gym and then we're exhausted. We have sex once or twice a week and all weekend. I would everyday if we had the energy but why waste it then on porn?

[talaniman]

You start by being perfect, then you say its not. You blame porn for it. This is in no way this is about you or porn but how you accept that guys see porn like you see a good chick flick, or whatever your favorite TV show is. Nothing personal, just amusement, no different than a football game.

Having said that, ask yourself why and how it affects you and your best way to handle it. My suggestion is talk openly and calmly about it, because its only as big a deal as you make it, and the main part is don't let it distract you from the busy, taxing, activity level of your lives. Fact is its never about sex, or our partners, no more or less than a video game to amuse and pass the time.

Surprised you haven't had the porn talk before, but you will never work through this issue without honest communications and dealing with your own feelings. We guys never understand what the fuss is about over porn, and why you make a big deal of it, because we don't understand your feelings because often neither do you, and that's where it starts.

Why, how and where your own feelings come from. What else is going on with you two that a porn movie affects you so? Maybe the routine has gotten too routine? Maybe as time goes you learn more than you knew about your partner, and it shocks and disturbs you and you have yet to make adjustments together.

[GypsyQueen]

You start by being perfect, then you say its not. You blame porn for it.

Sorry about the typos in my question! I was on my phone when I wrote it. I don't see where I state that we aren't great and I don't blame porn. I just really want to get in his head and see what his purpose is of watching it.

The story continues. I tried to reach out to him and mention that I have felt distance. Which I could just be making myself believe that since I have found out he's been watching porn. But he hasn't agreed and says he loves me, is happy as can be and doesn't see anything wrong with our sex life. As I guess I don't either... so why is he looking at porn on the daily?

Surprised you haven't had the porn talk before, but you will never work through this issue without honest communications and dealing with your own feelings. We guys never understand what the fuss is about over porn, and why you make a big deal of it, because we don't understand your feelings because often neither do you, and that's where it starts.

Hum, we have openly talked about porn before. He knows I masterbate and has said he doesn't really do it that often. I don't know if it's just a phase right now. He didn't really watch it too often before that I am aware of.

Again, I just don't know why it has become everyday.

We just got back from Miami. I thought that we would have lots of sex. We did but not as much as I would have liked and it made me wonder about the porn again. We got home on Monday and 3 new videos are downloaded. He gets home a little earlier than I and this is what he's been doing. I don't get it! Why not wait till I am home and take a release on me? He knows I am always up for it and never deny sex.

And then when I question his intimacy with me he gives me "it's not always about sex" card. Which then makes me feel like an idiot for wanting sex all the time.

[talaniman]

Just tell him you need more sex than you have been getting. And why are you letting two hours away from him rattle your cage so much? If you got more sex would you be less insecure?

We're perfect! But why is he watching porn?

That's how you started.

We have sex once or twice a week and all weekend. I would everyday if we had the energy but why waste it then on porn?

That's pretty normal for a couple. But everyday???? Not realistic and if he played video's until you get home then its okay??

[Essandro]

First of all, you are taking it too personal from my opinion. All people are different and it is not a very good idea to be judgmental about other peoples kicks. For all you know, it might just be a genre of movies he prefers. I have known a couple of people, who enjoyed watching porn as you would a comedy or any other genre.

From what you tell, I feel that you are over thinking the whole situation. There is no reason for you to feel insecure about anything. Maybe you are just too concentrated on your preferences instead of his? From your post it kind of seems like it hurts you pride of being "hot". Maybe you should start from working out you issues?

[GypsyQueen]

I guess maybe it does go back to my insecurities of me not have large enough boobs, long brown hair and olive skin. (Like the girls in the videos) And maybe I am turned on by the idea of it and makes me feel guilty that I am watching the porn he is hiding from me, looking at girls that don't look at me and I get off

I am not asking for sex everyday. I am just saying that I am not one to turn it down.

Maybe it does hurt my pride as it makes me feel like our sex life isn't satisfying him enough. When I really don't feel that is the case overall but it is what I perceive when he's been watching daily.

I guess I just need to come to realization that it has nothing to do with us or our relationship and it's just porn. But yes, it bothers me. I don't have anything against porn I have a problem with the everyday occurrence of him watching it.

Then I notice how I have become a little bit regarded now when we have sex and wonder if I am making him turned on enough or if he is thinking of the videos in his head.

[Wondergirl]

If you had large boobs, long brown hair, and olive skin, do you think he would give up porn?

[GypsyQueen]

If you had large boobs, long brown hair, and olive skin, do you think he would give up porn?

No, I don't think it would!

[Wondergirl]

No, I don't think it would!

Okay. Let's explore this a bit more and go to the next question. Why not?

Okay. I'll answer that.

His looking at porn and masturbating have NOTHING to do with you. It's all about him. It's his time, probably something he's been doing since he was 12.

Someone on this site said this: "As for masturbation, that's just an itch that needs scratching. It's a lot easier to spend a few minutes with yourself to scratch an itch, than it is to put in the time and effort of having sex. It has nothing to do with his sexual attraction to you, it has everything to do with how he's feeling right now."

Porn just greases the wheels and make it happen faster than looking at made-up pictures in his head. It can be over in five minutes. No one to satisfy except himself. It's finished and off he goes back into life. It's like reading a chapter in your cozy romance while you eat lunch or going to a chick flick with your girlfriends (because none of their boyfriends would dare to be seen at it -- plus guys wouldn't appreciate it anyway!).

Next week the porn might be of flat-chested Scandinavian grandmothers with red hair. Or big-hipped Smurfettes with potty mouths.

[GypsyQueen]

I think it's inevitable for him to look at porn in general. It's human nature to be drawn to the physical visual sense of it.

I just can't get my head wrapped around the fact that he has been watching it daily over the last month. Why now all of a sudden? Nothing has changed and we have a healthy relationship.

His looking at porn and masturbating have NOTHING to do with you. It's all about him. It's his time, probably something he's been doing since he was 12.

Someone on this site said this: "As for masturbation, that's just an itch that needs scratching. It's a lot easier to spend a few minutes with yourself to scratch an itch, than it is to put in the time and effort of having sex. It has nothing to do with his sexual attraction to you, it has everything to do with how he's feeling right now."

Porn just greases the wheels and make it happen faster than looking at made-up pictures in his head. It can be over in five minutes. No one to satisfy except himself. It's finished and off he goes back into life. It's like reading a chapter in your cozy romance while you eat lunch or going to a chick flick with your girlfriends (because none of their boyfriends would dare to be seen at it -- plus guys wouldn't appreciate it anyway!).

Next week the porn might be of flat-chested Scandinavian grandmothers with red hair. Or big-hipped Smurfettes with potty mouths.

Thanks! That did put it in perspective for me! And we have talked about porn before. He jokes that is how he learned everything.

[Wondergirl]

I think it's inevitable for him to look at porn in general. It's human nature to be drawn to the physical visual sense of it.

And women are drawn to the written word -- porn in print (because we are more intellectual? hee hee). Note the success (among women) of Fifty Shades of Grey.

I just can't get my head wrapped around the fact that he has been watching it daily over the last month. Why now all of a sudden? Nothing has changed and we have a healthy relationship.

That's good, that you have a healthy sexual relationship -- all the more reason to not worry about this.

[GypsyQueen]

Ok, I guess I am just finding something to be wrong with us... I don't know why I do that. (And I am sure many women are guilty of this)

I don't watch or listen to that nonsense; ie: Fifty Shades of Grey but I understand your point.

[CravenMorhead]

Ok, I guess I am just finding something to be wrong with us... I don't know why I do that. (And I am sure many women are guilty of this)

I don't watch or listen to that nonsense; ie: Fifty Shades of Grey but I understand your point.

Don't get us wrong there is plenty wrong with you two. What has happened is that you've worked through and compromised through most of it. You work well together because you're two mature and functional adults.

Wondergirl has put forward so many good points and good information. Especially that quote, the fellow who said that must be so intelligent and handsome too!

There are two things I want to comment on.
1). Finding fault in the divine. It sounds like you're trying to find something wrong so you're examining a lot of things in fine detail that don't really need to examine. There are many reasons this could be happening. You could be thinking that everything is going too good and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is a problem because it could start coming true. Not because it's going ot happen but you cause it to happen.

2). Ignorance of how the male mind works. A lot of people, men and women, assume that the other gender gets aroused the same way they do. For example this is the cause of a lot of male controlling issues. They're afraid that women get turned on by seeing another man, as they do when they see another woman, and that they'll leave them for him. That's a poor example. The take home point here is that an understanding on how he works will do so much for you as an understanding of how you work for him.

A parting shot. He loves you, you can tell when he makes love to you. He knows you and your body. Every lump, bump, stretch mark, and imperfection. I say this because women in porn have so much makeup in so many different places that it provides an unrealistic impression of how naked women look. He want to make love to you, not that. A lot of men, due to a lot of social change in the past hundred or so years, try hard not to sexualize women. This comes that we feel guilty asking for sex all the time, because you're so much more then sex. Also you might feel used.

Just some food for thought. I am going to find me some wide hipped smurfs and have a smurfing good time.

[Wondergirl]

Wondergirl has put forward so many good points and good information. Especially that quote, the fellow who said that must be so intelligent and handsome too!

Actually, WG was quoting someone else, but that person was obviously quoting you. You have such a way with how you phrase things -- plus, of course, there's your charm and good looks. ;)

Smurfs are male. The Smurfette is female and there's only one -- but I created more for my wide-hipped example.

And I'm so glad you showed up, Craven -- I was so hoping you would and then add your wisdom to this thread. You have succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. Read and believe what he says, GypsyQueen. He knows his stuff.

[GypsyQueen]

Don't get us wrong there is plenty wrong with you two. What has happened is that you've worked through and compromised through most of it. You work well together because you're two mature and functional adults.

Life is compromise! If you don't then you would be a lonely miserable person. You say there is plenty wrong with us? Please elaborate!

There are two things I want to comment on.
1). Finding fault in the divine. It sounds like you're trying to find something wrong so you're examining a lot of things in fine detail that don't really need to examine. There are many reasons this could be happening. You could be thinking that everything is going too good and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is a problem because it could start coming true. Not because it's going ot happen but you cause it to happen.

This is true. And it has to due to the fact he did something to hurt me when we first started dating. I was single for 3 years before I have decided to commit to someone again and it still haunts me. I forgive him and forget but I do know it creeps up on me sometimes and it causes me to be a mad woman and look for the next thing. It is a situation I know that I need to deal with on my own and he has nothing to do with my crazy mind because I trust him.

Ignorance of how the male mind works. A lot of people, men and women, assume that the other gender gets aroused the same way they do. For example this is the cause of a lot of male controlling issues. They're afraid that women get turned on by seeing another man, as they do when they see another woman, and that they'll leave them for him. That's a poor example. The take home point here is that an understanding on how he works will do so much for you as an understanding of how you work for him.

I don't follow you here. I would have sex all the time and he knows this about me and loves it. Calls me "sex machine" so, if he wants it - he gets it... He is not controlling one bit and if anything I would like him to take more control sometimes. We work well for each other I am not questioning our relationship; I am more than less trying to understand why he is reaching out to porn on a daily basis as opposed to putting my hand on his cock! I mean really!

I know he loves me more than anything.

[talaniman]

It may help to always be grateful for what you have in times of confusion, or insecurity.

We have sex once or twice a week and all weekend.

When gratitude is your attitude, the small stuff that ain't perfect is easier to accept. Be it porn, or golf, same thing to a guy.

[CravenMorhead]

Life is compromise! If you don't then you would be a lonely miserable person. You say there is plenty wrong with us? Please elaborate!

No body is perfect and no relationship is perfect. I can guarantee you that there is a lot of things wrong with your relationship that you either ignore or are too little to bear any notice. It isn't to pick out anything in specific but as a general statement. It is also to ground you a little. Saying that everything is perfect raises a red flag because it makes me wonder how much of the relationship you see, you purposefully don't see, and that you're completely ignorant of.

It is good to take a harsh eye every now and again to see what is wrong. Then decide if it is a game breaker or not. Look at it like you would look at your friends relationship. Prevents you from being blind sided.

This is true. And it has to due to the fact he did something to hurt me when we first started dating. I was single for 3 years before I have decided to commit to someone again and it still haunts me. I forgive him and forget but I do know it creeps up on me sometimes and it causes me to be a mad woman and look for the next thing. It is a situation I know that I need to deal with on my own and he has nothing to do with my crazy mind because I trust him.

It is good that you're dealing with this. The thing to remember is it is history. Long ago history. As well don't be afraid to ask for help. A lot of this stuff seems like it is manageble, but sometimes it isn't and knowing when to ask for help is important.

Ignorance of how the male mind works. A lot of people, men and women, assume that the other gender gets aroused the same way they do. For example this is the cause of a lot of male controlling issues. They're afraid that women get turned on by seeing another man, as they do when they see another woman, and that they'll leave them for him. That's a poor example. The take home point here is that an understanding on how he works will do so much for you as an understanding of how you work for him.

I don't follow you here. I would have sex all the time and he knows this about me and loves it. Calls me "sex machine" so, if he wants it - he gets it... He is not controlling one bit and if anything I would like him to take more control sometimes. We work well for each other I am not questioning our relationship; I am more than less trying to understand why he is reaching out to porn on a daily basis as opposed to putting my hand on his cock! I mean really!

Would you appreciate him just coming up to you, pulling down your pants, riding you, and then just leaving? No foreplay. No care about you. Just using you as a c*m dumpster. I think you would get quite tired of that quite quickly. You might also think that he's only interested in your body.

He knows his body. He knows how to get off, and get off quickly. He isn't wanting sex, but wanting relief. It is like scratching an itch. He knows that he can go to you, but then there is the chance that you'll reject him, or that you're doing something else, or sleeping or what not. Then there is the reciprocation, because it would be rude not to. He just wants a private moment to himself. Kind of like having a bubble bath.

The porn is just a tool to get a small mental fantasy going. Trust me that it is wide and varied.It isn't a sign of dissatisfaction. All that is really you assigning a combination of ignorance and insecurities to porn. Trust me he doesn't want the Asian midget, or big booty black mama, or gilf; he just wants you.

I know he loves me more than anything.

Then a lot of this, in that light, should fall out in the wash.

[GypsyQueen]

No body is perfect and no relationship is perfect. I can guarantee you that there is a lot of things wrong with your relationship that you either ignore or are too little to bear any notice. It isn't to pick out anything in specific but as a general statement. It is also to ground you a little. Saying that everything is perfect raises a red flag because it makes me wonder how much of the relationship you see, you purposefully don't see, and that you're completely ignorant of.

Ok, sorry not to sugar coat the truth. Yes, everyone has issues and no one is perfect. However, our relationship is a quite good one compared to many other people out there. I have nothing to really complain about or to ever think about walking away. People don't get a chance to have such a connection with a person all the time. So, I find us very lucky to have met one another and I know he would go to the end of the world for me. Maybe I was the one to just have a problem with this little mishap and it's been a week and he hasn't been watching it again. Even if he did I know that I have nothing to worry about and it has nothing to do with me or our relationship. (Thanks to this forum)

Thanks for everyone's posts and I feel a lot better and more confident.

I should have never seen a problem in the first place :)