[dontknownuthin]

Skittles, counseling is a must. I can share with you that I was violently and forceably beaten and sexually assaulted when I was in college, and I still thought it was my fault. That's the nature of sexual assault - no matter how much it wasn't our fault, it's hard to imagine that anyone else has that kind of power over our own body. This is normal to feel this way, and you need someone over a long period to help you work through this or you will be looking at yourself through the equivalent of a fun-house mirror, distorting things in a way that will prevent you from thinking well of yourself and moving forward.

I waited until I was in my forties to get help getting past what I experienced. I figured that since I understood it intellectually, I didn't need counseling. Not true. My regret now is only that I didn't get counseling twenty years ago.

I think you are smart to think about how you can get more involved in college. Perhaps you should consider a move to campus. And joining a club is a great idea. Counseling will help you take these steps to free yourself to meet new people. It's really common for victims of sexual assault to isolate themselves - sometimes we feel like it's easier to avoid other people than to risk that they might treat us badly. But we can all learn how to listen to our gut, watch for red flags and be appropriately alert to the wrong people, while still opening ourselves up to those people who are good and fulfilling additions to our lives.

Most colleges do offer services, often free, for victims of rape so being a student, there's a lot available to you. Go to your student health center and speak to a nurse or doctor, and I'm sure they can find resources for you. If you are depressed, they can also help you with that. For me, it took a year of medication to kind of reset my brain and get out of a cycle of clinical depression. I was reluctant to take medication, but in hindsight, it was the right thing to do.

[Skittles911]

Skittles, I have nothing to add to what's already been said by everyone, other than Smkanad whose advice made me cringe, which sadly is nothing new.

You are the victim in this. Sadly it's unlikely that you'd be able to prosecute him. Sadder yet is that he'll likely find another young teen to abuse now that you're gone. What you have to do now is find a way to deal with what happened, and move forward. Counseling is a very good idea.

So, since I really have no advice that hasn't already been posted, you may wonder why I'm posting at all. I'm posting because we get hundreds of post on this site from teens that are in the same situation that you were in, and they don't realize it. They think they're in love. They're being manipulated, they're being groomed, and they refuse to accept it. I really think that you could help these teens. Tell them your story, let them see how you see things now, how you now realize that what he did was wrong.

You can't change your past, but you may be able to change another teens future.

Please think about it. I think you would be a huge asset to this site.

I totally agree with you, I always heard that dating an older guy was bad and people gave tons of reasons, but they never quite transferred, I felt like my situation was different. I feel like if I had heard of someone's actual story after getting out of that kind of relationship I would have thought twice, but it was exactly the opposite, I only heard of girls going through the same thing I was and it was actually like we were supporting one another through our relationships. This really upsets me because I know a number of girls that are still in these type of relationships and I know that there are many on the Internet.

[smoothy]

I totally agree with you, I always heard that dating an older guy was bad and people gave tons of reasons why, but they never quite transferred, I felt like my situation was different. I feel like if I had heard of someone's actual story after getting out of that kind of relationship I would have thought twice, but it was exactly the opposite, I only heard of girls going through the same thing I was and it was actually like we were supporting one another through our relationships. This really upsets me because I know a number of girls that are still in these type of relationships and I know that there are many on the Internet.

Dating older people (this can apply to both male and female) is only bad when you are not an adult... because of control and manipulation possibilities are at their highest the when these emotions are still fairly new to you in your youth... and they do take a long time to get them under constrol... a few people never really do... you will meet them from time to time throughout your adult life. They are fairly easy to spot once you start to know them.

Say if you were in your mid 20's or more... that same age difference would mean significantly less... and that because everyone... male and female... go through dramatic emotional and intellectual maturation through their early 20's... it does't come to a stop at 18... in fact its comething that continues throughout life... it only starts to slow down for most people in their mid 20's...

[joypulv]

You live alone? You are going to a cabin with a guy?
I would suggest roommates, either all women or both men and women, while in college, and for some time afterwards.
Cheaper, more fun, and not lonely.
A few headaches sometimes, but overall it's worth it.
You NEED 'just friends' and lots of them for now, not a boyfriend.

[Skittles911]

You live alone? You are going to a cabin with a guy?
I would suggest roommates, either all women or both men and women, while in college, and for some time afterwards.
Cheaper, more fun, and not lonely.
A few headaches sometimes, but overall it's worth it.
You NEED 'just friends' and lots of them for now, not a boyfriend.

No it's my girlfriends cabin, yeah I realize that, I know I'm not ready to date and don't plan to for a long time. I'm honestly in a bit of a man hating stage right now anyway.

[Skittles911]

Dating older people (this can apply to both male and female) is only bad when you are not an adult.....because of control and manipulation possibilities are at their highest the when these emotions are still fairly new to you in your youth....and they do take a long time to get them under constrol.....a few people never really do....you will meet them from time to time throughout your adult life. They are fairly easy to spot once you start to know them.

say if you were in your mid 20's or more....that same age difference would mean significantly less...and that because everyone....male and female...go through dramatic emotional and intellectual maturation through their early 20's.....it does't come to a stop at 18....in fact its comething that continues throughout life.....it only starts to slow down for most people in their mid 20's....

Yeah I meant dating an older guy when you're a teenager, when people heard about my situation they would always tell me it's a bad one, but my point is that because I never heard first hand stories about how it effects you other people's advice didn't register as well.

[Skittles911]

So my brother talked me into going to the police today, so I went in for a statement. I'm not very happy with it, there was a female and male officer, I felt like the girl was judging me and maybe thought I was exaggerating, maybe that's just in my head though. They did take it seriously but they asked if was doing this out of spite because the relationship ended badly, which looking back I'm pretty offended. They basically said that the only way to get his name into the system is to take him to court and take the stand, for now they are going to take it to the crown and see whether they decide that this is worth going to court for. They also gave me a victim help line number. I feel more stressed out now after going in than I did before, I don't think I was ready to give a statement, looking back there were other things I could have added, but I just didn't feel comfortable going into details, and they also asked me questions that I couldn't really remember from 4 years ago.

[smoothy]

Yeah I meant dating an older guy when you're a teenager, when people heard about my situation they would always tell me it's a bad one, but my point is that because I never heard first hand stories about how it effects you other people's advice didn't register as well.

Even if you did.. its possible you wouldn't have listened to it then... some people have to learn their lessons for themselves... I don't know if you were that type at that age... but I've known more than a few people personally that actually were.

[JudyKayTee]

"So my brother talked me into going to the police today"

At some point you have to take some responsibility for your own actions - your brother made this decision for you?

As far as the Police, they are fact finders. They ask everyone the same questions. It's not uncommon for a report to be filed out of revenge when a relationship ends. They don't know without asking. I doubt you were judged - they hear these complaints all the time.

What did you think was going to happen when you filed the report? Did you think he would be arrested, punished without your testimony? Something else?

I'll say it again - I was the adult victim of rape. I'm not unsympathetic to your problems. I've been there. I blamed myself for a long time. At some point, however, I took responsibility for what I did afterward. You need to do that. Getting over this, not getting over it, being persuaded to do things, not being persuaded - those are your "things" to manage.

He raped you. From then on it's yours to handle in the best way possible based on whatever information you have available to you.

[smoothy]

So my brother talked me into going to the police today, so I went in for a statement. I'm not very happy with it, there was a female and male officer, I felt like the girl was judging me and maybe thought I was exaggerating, maybe that's just in my head though. They did take it seriously but they asked if was doing this out of spite because the relationship ended badly, which looking back I'm pretty offended. They basically said that the only way to get his name into the system is to take him to court and take the stand, for now they are going to take it to the crown and see whether they decide that this is worth going to court for. They also gave me a victim help line number. I feel more stressed out now after going in than I did before, I don't think I was ready to give a statement, looking back there were other things I could have added, but I just didn't feel comfortable going into details, and they also asked me questions that I couldn't really remember from 4 years ago.

Its like that for a reason... as JudyKayTee stated... there are many complaints made by women upset they were left or cheated on... so many in fact... it does make them pause even when real and legitimate complaints get filed.

Also consider... at least in most of the world... the accused is entitled to an assumption of innocense... at least in the USA and Canada. And evidence has to be collected to prove any charges. This requires questions be answered... stories checked out... and facts checked for reality.

No its not pleasant.. no its not quick... but its necessary to be fair to all people involved...

Anyone who has ever been accused of something they didn't do... can appreciate the fact they weren't taken out and lynched without anything being investigated.

I've known too many men that were accused of fathering babies to women they swear they didn't slepp with. And thank goodness for DNA testing... they were able to prove it wasn't them. Imagine how many men before DNA testing were forced to pay support for kids that weren't theirs? That's only an example.

As was mentioned... the Police have to approach this purely from the perspective... of "OK, this is what you say" Now let us gather enough evidence to prove it... "

Proving something is always more difficult as time passes and memories fade.

[Alty]

So my brother talked me into going to the police today, so I went in for a statement. I'm not very happy with it, there was a female and male officer, I felt like the girl was judging me and maybe thought I was exaggerating, maybe that's just in my head though. They did take it seriously but they asked if was doing this out of spite because the relationship ended badly, which looking back I'm pretty offended. They basically said that the only way to get his name into the system is to take him to court and take the stand, for now they are going to take it to the crown and see whether they decide that this is worth going to court for. They also gave me a victim help line number. I feel more stressed out now after going in than I did before, I don't think I was ready to give a statement, looking back there were other things I could have added, but I just didn't feel comfortable going into details, and they also asked me questions that I couldn't really remember from 4 years ago.

I'm sorry that you feel bad about going to the police. I'm going to try to sugar coat my reply, something I never do, and I'm not sure I'm capable of.

The police have one job, that's to serve and protect the people in their community. They're not there to hold your hand, they're not there to make you feel better, and they don't know you. For all they know you're a vindictive girlfriend who was dumped and wants to get revenge. Without asking, without digging, how will they know? When they ask questions they aren't judging you, they're trying to find out the truth of what happened, so they can decide what to do about it.

They don't have time to make you feel like you're believed, they don't have the training to counsel you, and that's not their job. Their job is to find out what happened by asking you questions you may not like, then asking him questions he won't like, and then finding out the truth. The truth is rarely exactly what one person said, it's somewhere in the middle of both stories (unless one person is blatantly lying).

I will tell you, rape cases aren't easy. There's rarely any evidence, it's usually he said she said. If this goes to court his lawyer will do his best (if he's worth anything) to prove that you weren't a victim, that you weren't victimized. He will tear your testimony apart.

You better get comfortable mentioning the things you're too ashamed to mention, because that's the only hope you have of him paying for what he's done. If you won't tell the whole story, you may as well not even bother testifying, and without your testimony (if they decide to prosecute) he won't pay for what he's done. I'll be honest, even with your testimony it may not happen.

I've been the victim of both childhood molestation, and rape when I was a teen. I'm ashamed to admit that I never even told my parents, much less the police.

As a child I was too afraid. As an 18 year old teen/adult, I didn't want to be raped all over again in court. Not that I'm saying you shouldn't try to prosecute, but rape cases aren't easy. Rarely is there justice served. That's just my opinion.