[Skittles911]

I have recently gotten out of a 4 year relationship with a guy twice my age. I am 19 right now and he is 32... so when we first got together I was 15 and he was 28. I now see how wrong this this relationship was just due to the age difference. There were many reasons I got out of this relationship, but the main turning point for me was looking back to how young and inexperienced I was when it first started. Where I live the age of consent is 16, I was 15 and a half when we first had vaginal sex, so it didn't seem that bad to me at the time, but what I didn't realize was that just because the things we did before weren't vaginal didn't mean that they were not still sex. I was never forced into sex, but I remember a hand full of times where I did things just to please him even though they weren't pleasant for me, and he sometimes would talk me into it until I said yes. Over the four years as I grew more confident I didn't let him do this anymore. I do feel like he took advantage of my naivety and innocence, but I don't know if I feel like it was sexual assault. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and am confused whether I should move on thinking this was just a bad relationship or whether there was some sort of "sexual assault" done towards me...

[odinn7]

Yes, it was sexual assault. You were underage and he took advantage of you. Whether you feel like you did it willingly or not is irrelevant... bottom line he took advantage of you and should have gone to jail.

This is one way that pedophiles work... they get you to do these things while making you feel like you want yo because you are not old enough or mature enough to realize what it is that they're really doing to you. Then you walk away from this feeling like you were wrong or you did something bad.

[Skittles911]

Yes, it was sexual assault. You were underage and he took advantage of you. Whether you feel like you did it willingly or not is irrelevant....bottom line he took advantage of you and should have gone to jail.

This is one way that pedophiles work....they get you to do these things while making you feel like you want yo because you are not old enough or mature enough to realize what it is that they're really doing to you. Then you walk away from this feeling like you were wrong or you did something bad.

Thank you, I'm definitely having a hard time wrapping my brain around how for 4 years I thought I was in love with him and in a good relationship and how it was only less than two months ago that I realized how messed up my situation was.

[smkanand]

How could it take you 4 years to realize it? I mean I understand 15-16, people are naïve, immature and excited for new things but 4 years is too long. As you said you were never forced but emotionally pushed to do things against your will. Only problem was you age, he does used you. This is all very complicated but evaluate things carefully. I think it was bad relationship.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes it was wrong, but hard to prove anything at this point, before the age of consent,

So get into counseling and just move on with life

[odinn7]

how could it take you 4 years to realize it? I mean I understand 15-16, people are naive, immature and excited for new things but 4 years is too long. as you said you were never forced but emotionally pushed to do things against your will. only problem was you age, he does used you. this is all very complicated but evaluate things carefully. I think it was bad relationship.

That is crap. To say something like this in this case is way out of line as far as I'm concerned. The OP was underage at the time of this starting up. The pedophile used the usual tricks on her to make her think she loved him... do you know nothing about how these people work? Obviously not so then keep quiet about it. She did nothing wrong in this case. Sure, looking at it from the outside you can say she should have known but then that just shows how little you really know. Pedophiles work on their victims. They "groom" them. They make them believe things and mentally condition them.

It's just good that the OP finally saw this all and realized it was a bad situation.

I agree with Fr_Chuck... if you can't get past this, maybe you should get some counseling.

[smkanand]

That is crap. To say something like this in this case is way out of line as far as I'm concerned. The OP was underage at the time of this starting up. The pedophile used the usual tricks on her to make her think she loved him....do you know nothing about how these people work? Obviously not so then keep quiet about it. She did nothing wrong in this case. Sure, looking at it from the outside you can say she should have known but then that just shows how little you really know. Pedophiles work on their victims. They "groom" them. They make them believe things and mentally condition them.

It's just good that the OP finally saw this all and realized it was a bad situation.

I agree with Fr_Chuck....if you can't get past this, maybe you should get some counseling.

I may be wrong but not judgemental about anybody. I'm just equally confused at this point to reach any conclusion, if that hurt or offend anybody, I apologise. I'm not saying she has done any wrong.

[JudyKayTee]

“how could it take you 4 years to realize it? I mean I understand 15-16, people are naïve, immature and excited for new things but 4 years is too long. As you said you were never forced but emotionally pushed to do things against your will. Only problem was you age, he does used you. This is all very complicated but evaluate things carefully. I think it was bad relationship.”

I think my colleague, Odinn, was kind - this answer is beyond crap.

The “only problem was you age?” Really? No, the “only problem” was that this was legal rape. I'd like to know the difference between being forced and emotionally pushed. I don't see that this is “all very complicated.” I think this is very uncomplicated, and you are blaming the victim.

“How could it take [you] 4 years to realize it?” I won't even address that, which is more blaming the victim.

I was the adult victim of rape. Your reply is indefensible and an insult to anyone/everyone who was ever forced in any manner to have sex when she did not want to have sex or was too young to consent.

The man who assaulted her is a pedophile and a danger to someone else's daughter.

Is pursuing the matter a good idea? Only the OP knows if she wants to face this man in a Courtroom (if it goes that far) and possibly be unable to prove her case. Who knows? Some like “smkanamd” might be on the jury.

Counselling, with or without Police/legal intervention is a good idea.

I realize it is not AMHD policy to refer to other posts when responding. I also think in this case it must be done. You saw no problem with a 14-year old Muslim GIRL having sex at 14 with a 26 year old MAN, stating, "when people in love they do things, thats natural. physical attraction and intimacy is the most natural thing." She was 14!

The problem in your mind in that instance is that HE married someone else after a number of years and she didn't realize she needed to bathe after intercourse. I realize cultures and religions differ. I also realize you have posted that women (wives) cannot divorce men (husbands). The husband must file and, therefore, the wife must live in unhappiness or abuse. Again, different cultures.

I think these religious beliefs should preclude you from posting on non-Islamic relationship/legal boards. I think you are in the AMHD minority when it comes to the rights of women.

We have an adult on AMHD who was molested as a child - let's see if she has anything to contribute. (Unfortunately I am on my laptop and can't access my entire AMHD account right now - this will have to wait until I am not working.)

[dontknownuthin]

Judy hit the nail on the head. The reason you are not able to legally consent to sex at a younger age is that you do not have the life experience and maturity to make that decision for yourself. You are vulnerable to being manipulated and groomed by an adult into doing things that are not in your best interest because they have the upper hand in the relationship.

What your "boyfriend" did (I would rather call him "rapist" than "boyfriend" though) was to target a young teen whom he knew was not of legal age of consent. He posed as your wise, more experienced boyfriend and I'm sure told you how he normally wouldn't date a girl your age, but you are "more mature than most girls your age". He might have made the "what does age matter when we're in love" argument, and the, "well, you're so close to being of the age of consent, what does it matter?" argument. This is what's called "grooming".

This is the same strategy that enables grown men to molest teenage boys who aren't even gay. They employ all kinds of very manipulative strategies and, over time, make the minor increasingly comfortable and willing to perform sexual acts with them. When you agree under this type of manipulation, which is always present when an adult has sex with a minor, you have not really "consented" - you have been manipulated and raped.

It's hard to get your head around it because, at the time, you thought you were OK with it. You thought it was a mutual decision. What you didn't realize - what people never realize until they are older and wiser - was that you were in no way prepared to actually consent.

I do have to wonder where your parents have been, and why they didn't prosecute this jerk. You still can. You don't have to have "smoking gun" evidence and it's worth reporting. This guy is a sexual predator and will move on to another teen girl, so please report what happened.

As for people who criticize you, they don't have a clue so ignore them. If there's any lesson in this for you, it's that societal norms and boundaries have been developed over thousands of years, and if something seems sketchy or your find you have to come up with justifications, lie to people about it, hide it, etc. it's not healthy for you. Learning this does not mean you were dumb or naïve or whatever. You likely had appropriate maturity for your age but were confronted with a predator who manipulated. Naïve really more refers to someone who does not have adequate insight for their expected level of maturity. Don't use any negative terms to describe yourself - this was all on this jerk who imposed himself on your life.

Think about it - when you're 18, would you date a 9 year old? It's pretty much the same thing. Outrageous.

[smoothy]

Thank you, I'm definitely having a hard time wrapping my brain around how for 4 years I thought I was in love with him and in a good relationship and how it was only less than two months ago that I realized how messed up my situation was.

This is exactly what we call child exploitation... at that age you are easy to manipulate by an experienced adult... you were effectively brainwashed... and manipulated... and weren't mature enough at the time to understand what was happening.

What you thought was you wanting it... and allowing it was actually him talking you into doing exactly what he wanted.

This is why the age of consent is what it is in most states... and I do believe it should be 18 in all of them for this reason. But its not... yet anyway.

It might not have been a forcible rape... but it most certainly was Statutory rape...

Because as you know... sex involves far more than just the vagina.

I would talk to some authorities... while I admit to not knowing what any satute of limitations might be... at least you will find out if its not too late let.

And maybe... just maybe... they won't do this to anyone else if you do.

Therapy is also a good recommendation... you might have your head screwed on pretty good... but there are probibly some things you may not be aware of that are related that can be dealt with.

[joypulv]

smkanand, I'm not sure you understand how damaging your comments were, as well as confusing and all over the place. You have had one relationship in your young life and were very naïve about it yourself, calling a man your boyfriend who left 5 years ago and never contacted you again. You have been here less than a month yet have responded to over 200 posts. Please give more thought to your replies before you type.

[mogrann]

It is thanks to people like you I blamed myself for my abuse as a 7 year old. BTW they were teens so same age difference. If you read my threads on here you will see I still suffer from that ABUSE AND RAPE. How dare you? What gives you the right to be so judgmental? Yes you are as I learned about judgmental thoughts in DBT. What kind of person posts what you did to someone who was abused?
To the original poster ignore that ignorant person. Please get yourself some counselling even if you just call a help line. Don't be like me and ignore it for years and waste so much time suffering.
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I can not say that enough.

[smkanand]

smkanand, I'm not sure you understand how damaging your comments were, as well as confusing and all over the place. You have had one relationship in your young life and were very naive about it yourself, calling a man your boyfriend who left 5 years ago and never contacted you again. You have been here less than a month yet have responded to over 200 posts. Please give more thought to your replies before you type.

I will take care. Thanks for reminding me my past.

[JudyKayTee]

"It is thanks to people like you I blamed myself for my abuse as a 7 year old. BTW they were teens so same age difference. If you read my threads on here you will see I still suffer from that ABUSE AND RAPE. How dare you? What gives you the right to be so judgmental? Yes you are as I learned about judgmental thoughts in DBT. What kind of person posts what you did to someone who was abused?
To the original poster ignore that ignorant person. Please get yourself some counselling even if you just call a help line. Don't be like me and ignore it for years and waste so much time suffering.
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I can not say that enough."

Well said, Mogrann - and unfortunately it needed to be said.

And for Joy, yes, I wonder why this person believes herself to be an expert in relationships and/or emotional health. Oh, well. Hopefully people check the source. A five year break in a relationship, he smiled at her in 2008 and died - and she can't get over him? Doesn't date, hasn't dated since 2008 - 5 years ago?

I am upset by a female who is so insensitive about underage sex and rape, in general.

[Skittles911]

Thanks everyone for your replies, they've really helped. smkanand I know it seems crazy that I just realized I was taken advantage of, but at first I thought that everything I was doing was my own decision, when I met him at 15 I had very low self esteem, I was just getting over an eating disorder, and his attention made me feel really great, I was obsessed with him. Throughout the years I didn't even once analyze the how we first got together, I felt like I needed him an he was all I needed, while in high school I didn't think about his many character flaws, how he wasn't really anywhere in his life, how unmotivated he was. Anytime he messed up he made me feel like I was overreacting, made me feel guilty in some way. Then at 18 I moved out with him to a different city to go to university, I really started to notice how over the years I matured and grew but he didn't. I started watching a lot of dr Phil, and I saw some that had young girls in similar situations, this was the first time I really thought back to how we first started seeing each other, when I did I felt sick. The day before my 19th birthday he did drugs and I took that as my opportunity and reason to break it off. Now I'm all alone in a different city and I don't know anyone here, I really wish that I could have realized this a long time ago. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now, I just want to move on from this, maybe I'll look for counselling through my school, but as for any legal action I'm not really sure.

[Skittles911]

Also another messed up fact is that he was addicted to come and I would always forgive him for it and thought that I could help him through it. *sigh* how messed up is my life? All these realizations are just crashing down on me and I'm just so overwhelmed I don't know what to do and how to move on from this.

[joypulv]

Addicted to what?
Anyway, I'm not sure that your life is any more messed up than anyone else's, especially at 19. If you are in school and have roomies that will be the beginning of a new sphere of friends.
I looked at your very first post here, 5 years ago. Amazing. All that maturing so fast.
I think you have learned a lot, despite the position you are in at the moment.
You can probably help others here.

[Skittles911]

Addicted to what?
Anyway, I'm not sure that your life is any more messed up than anyone else's, especially at 19. If you are in school and have roomies that will be the beginning of a new sphere of friends.
I looked at your very first post here, 5 years ago. Amazing. All that maturing so fast.
I think you have learned a lot, despite the position you are in at the moment.
You can probably help others here.

Cocaine, I'm on my iPhone so it auto corrected. Thanks, I was also looking back at my old posts where I asked stuff like "why aren't my boobs growing" haha pretty funny to look back on, I was only 13 when I made this account so don't judge. Yeah I'm trying to make an effort to make the best of my time here, I don't live on campus though, I'm in an apartment so it's harder to meet people, I should probably join a club or something but I've been kind of depressed lately, all I do is go to classes then go home and read or watch TV. I've been trying to get myself out of this funk but it's hard, I'm going away to my friends cabin this weekend, hopefully it'll lift my spirits a bit. Thanks for your support though :)

[Alty]

Skittles, I have nothing to add to what's already been said by everyone, other than Smkanad whose advice made me cringe, which sadly is nothing new.

You are the victim in this. Sadly it's unlikely that you'd be able to prosecute him. Sadder yet is that he'll likely find another young teen to abuse now that you're gone. What you have to do now is find a way to deal with what happened, and move forward. Counseling is a very good idea.

So, since I really have no advice that hasn't already been posted, you may wonder why I'm posting at all. I'm posting because we get hundreds of post on this site from teens that are in the same situation that you were in, and they don't realize it. They think they're in love. They're being manipulated, they're being groomed, and they refuse to accept it. I really think that you could help these teens. Tell them your story, let them see how you see things now, how you now realize that what he did was wrong.

You can't change your past, but you may be able to change another teens future.

Please think about it. I think you would be a huge asset to this site.

[JudyKayTee]

Skittles, you are blaming yourselt - you got multiple, thought out, sensitive responses, three of which are from people I know were victims of sexual assault.

You responded to the one answer which blamed you and pretty much didn't acknowledge the others.