[busler62]

My wife of 20 years has been FB'ing and texting her ex-boyfriend (she claims not lover) from 25 years ago. She claims it's innocent and they are just friends, but they are calling each other "sweetie" and making plans to get together when my wife can "get away for awhile".
She's been texting and calling after I go to bed, and staying up till after midnight on the phone with him. Then she claims that she is "sooo tired", because she "couldn't sleep last night".
He's telling her stuff like "I remember your gorgeous blonde hair", "I couldn't stop staring at you", and "I remember you were wearing this gray dress and I can't stop thinking about that".
He's telling her that he remembers their favorite songs like "I wanna be your lover boy", and "Wishing I had a photograph of you".
He's telling her that they should go to a concert together and maybe get tattoos together (WHAT?! )
My wife doesn't see anything wrong with this. As a guy, I KNOW what his intentions are.
The other thing that bothers me is that she only mentioned her husband of 20 years in passing (oh, they are hiring with his company), but he deflected and I was never mentioned again.
Whew! Am I crazy, or is this completely inappropriate behavior?
Oh, and I even say "Barb" or "Sofi" (my exes (not lovers,tho)) she gets all ticked off.

[odinn7]

To me, this is a little bit off. The fact that they call each other these names... she talks on the phone with him until midnight... talking after you go to bed... making plans to get away... the way I see it, it all adds up and looks pretty bad.

Could it be innocent? Sure, it could be but it really seems like it isn't. At the very least, she has no respect for you. If she did respect you, she wouldn't be doing this. Talking with an ex is one thing but if it becomes over the top like this despite how you feel about it, then there is no respect... and it could be even deeper than that.

[Hennali]

I get checking in with an old girlfriend/boyfriend to see how they are doing. But if my fiancé of 2 years was texting with his ex more than for a sorry for your loss when someone died or a happy birthday via Facebook I would be upset. So if he called her sweetie or made plans with her I would leave him. I think being together as long as you have you should consult a therapist! That just doesn't seem healthy. Sorry for you!

[Cat1864]

My wife of 20 years has been FB'ing and texting her ex-boyfriend (she claims not lover) from 25 years ago. She claims it's innocent and they are just friends, but they are calling each other "sweetie" and making plans to get together when my wife can "get away for awhile".
She's been texting and calling after I go to bed, and staying up till after midnight on the phone with him. Then she claims that she is "sooo tired", because she "couldn't sleep last night".
He's telling her stuff like "I remember your gorgeous blonde hair", "I couldn't stop staring at you", and "I remember you were wearing this gray dress and I can't stop thinking about that".
He's telling her that he remembers their favorite songs like "I wanna be your lover boy", and "Wishing I had a photograph of you".
He's telling her that they should go to a concert together and maybe get tattoos together (WHAT?! )
My wife doesn't see anything wrong with this. As a guy, I KNOW what his intentions are.
The other thing that bothers me is that she only mentioned her husband of 20 years in passing (oh, they are hiring with his company), but he deflected and I was never mentioned again.
Whew! Am I crazy, or is this completely inappropriate behavior?
Oh, and I even say "Barb" or "Sofi" (my exes (not lovers,tho)) she gets all ticked off.

If the calls, texts and messaging happen after you go to bed, then how do you know what was said? If she told you when asked, then she may truly believe it is innocent. If you are looking through her messages without her knowledge, then you need to decide how much you really trust your wife.

I will say that it sounds like she is getting an ego boost and relieving old memories that make her feel attractive. It might be a spark of fun and amusement. For her it may be a harmless fantasy world, where the reality of dirty socks and dishes doesn't exist. Doesn't mean that is what she wants in her reality. She probably knows that she would never stray. If she knows you are all but accusing her of planning to cheat, she might even be acting out.

Remember that his intentions don't mean a thing. In the larger picture he doesn't really matter. It is her intentions and thoughts that count. You can't make someone cheat who isn't already willing and if the person is willing then they will find someone.

How is your marriage? Any signs of being in a rut or taking each other for granted? What is her life like? Is she feeling her age? If you have children, are they getting older?

Take a look at the bigger picture and then talk with your wife about your marriage. If you don't put her on the defensive or get defensive, you may find out that things are starting to stagnate and you both need to work together on keeping fresh energy in the relationship.

[coachrollo]

By no means is this OK. If they were talking and Facebook just catching up I could see it. Very casul conversation in pasing not all the time. The names calling and the fact they want to get together is just as bad a cheating. In gods eyes it's the same its an emotional affair. If your wife trully cares about you and you want ity to stop she should. The pass is the pass for a reason.You need to talk to your wife and share your feelings if you 2 are trulkly committed to each other then she should understand. As a man I can tell you his intentions are not innocent. Hers may be an she is being naïve let her know how you feel and how would she feel.You need to talk to her before this escaltes.

[dontknownuthin]

Not OK because it upsets you and disrespects your sense of security in the marriage. You aren't being unreasonable. She may mean to just enjoy the attention without acting on it, but it's what I would call an "emotional affair" and it's not acceptable.

Have you asked her to stop? Is she willing to stop because it upsets you?

[busler62]

Thanks. We are working it out through counseling. She has agreed to stop. But, there are still some trust issues that need to be worked out - on both sides.