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johncosp · Aug 9, 2012, 02:24 AM

I drunkenly had Phone Sex with my Ex GF. It obviously was a mistake and I am aware of that. I would never physically act on it in person obviously. I have a new GF of 6 months who I really do adore, honestly. She's fantastic but she's in another city right now. I will be seeing her next week.

My question is, is this lapse of concentration severe enough for me to tell her and risk the relationship breaking down because of it? I would never physically cheat on her and I do feel awful about what happened last night. I was very drunk and it was stupid - but that's life.

I suppose the question is one of perspective and thinking about what is the best thing to do in the long run.

Thanks for your help

bigNavySeal · Aug 9, 2012, 03:56 AM

You should've had phone sex with your girlfriend who's in another city right now instead of with your ex, smartass!

You're treading dangerous territory. I think phone sex, not something I have ever done, is not really crossing any SERIOUS line, but it's coming close to emotional cheating and it indicates your mind isn't focused on your girlfriend. It sounds like you should rather be single to figure out what you want.

C0bra_M3nace · Aug 9, 2012, 03:59 AM

What do you think you should do?

You cheated on your girlfriend. Cheating doesn't have to be physical, it can be as simple as saying hi to your ex behind her back when she told you not to. A relationship is all about trust, honesty and communication, as of this moment you lack all three.

So what are you going to do? Be the lying cheater or be honest?

johncosp · Aug 9, 2012, 03:59 AM

Originally Posted by bigNavySeal

You should've had phone sex with your girlfriend who's in another city right now instead of with your ex, smartass!

You're treading dangerous territory. I think phone sex, not something I have ever done, is REALLY crossing any serious line, but it does indicate your mind isn't focused on your girlfriend, and sounds like you should rather be single to figure out what you want.

I know that. Course I do. It was a mistake and I shouldn't have done it. What I am asking is whether the crime fits the potential ramifications if I tell her? Or should I learn from this, move on and forget about it?

rockie100 · Aug 9, 2012, 04:23 AM

Never a good idea to text drunk to anyone about anything. But to answer your question. I would tell you no need to tell her unless, one, she could find out by other means, or two, your guilt would eat at you. It could affect how you handle the rest of the relationship as well. Its like building a house on cracked foundation.

johncosp · Aug 9, 2012, 04:30 AM

Originally Posted by rockie100

Never a good idea to text drunk to anyone about anything. But to answer your question. I would tell you no need to tell her unless, one, she could find out by other means, or two, your guilt would eat at you. It could affect how you handle the rest of the relationship as well. Its like building a house on cracked foundation.

Thanks Rockie. I think as long as I within myself know that it was wrong and that it doesn't actually represent the way I feel then I should be able to put it away. I was drunk and it was stupid. I really do love my GF, but that doesn't stop a young guy from being an idiot every now and then. Obviously if something physical had happened it would be a different story.

C0bra_M3nace · Aug 9, 2012, 04:46 AM

Originally Posted by rockie100

Never a good idea to text drunk to anyone about anything. But to answer your question. I would tell you no need to tell her unless, one, she could find out by other means, or two, your guilt would eat at you. It could affect how you handle the rest of the relationship as well. Its like building a house on cracked foundation.

Originally Posted by johncosp

Thanks Rockie. I think as long as I within myself know that it was wrong and that it doesn't actually represent the way I feel then I should be able to put it away. I was drunk and it was stupid. I really do love my GF, but that doesn't stop a young guy from being an idiot every now and then. Obviously if something physical had happened it would be a different story.

The morals here as all backwards. You're completely selfish if you think keeping this from her is a good idea at all. What about her? How would you feel if she had phone sex with her ex and kept it a secret from you this whole time? What happens if she does find out? Think she's going to be so understanding finding out from someone else, or are you going to lie to her face too when she confronts you about it.

Good luck.

johncosp · Aug 9, 2012, 04:49 AM

Originally Posted by C0bra_M3nace

The morals here as all backwards. You're completely selfish if you think keeping this from her is a good idea at all. What about her? How would you feel if she had phone sex with her ex and kept it a secret from you this whole time? What happens if she does find out? Think she's going to be so understanding finding out from someone else, or are you going to lie to her face too when she confronts you about it.

Good luck.

Ooo, you really are a Menace aren't you Cobra?

C0bra_M3nace · Aug 9, 2012, 04:55 AM

Originally Posted by johncosp

Ooo, you really are a Menace aren't you Cobra?

Just trying to think of your girlfriend, and how she would feel in this situation. She seems to have been left out again, like that phone call.

here2assist · Aug 9, 2012, 07:10 AM

This is a tough one. Besides being drunk why do you think you reached out to the ex and not your current girlfriend? Cheating can come in many forms like someone pointed out. I have to wonder if there's something missing in your current relationship. I believe both men and women cheat because they aren't satisfied in their current situation. I'm not saying that is an excuse however you may want to address what's lacking instead. I'm sure everyone here would disagree with me but if my boyfriend had phone sex, felt remorse/regret and had no intention of doing tit again I would prefer never to find out. Now if he had real sex I'd def want to know as that could put me at risk. Maybe I'm overanalyzing and you just had an itch you needed to scratch out of curiousity.

johncosp · Aug 9, 2012, 07:23 AM

Originally Posted by here2assist

This is a tough one. Besides being drunk why do you think you reached out to the ex and not your current gf? Cheating can come in many forms like someone pointed out. I have to wonder if there's something missing in your current relationship. I believe both men and women cheat bc they aren't satisfied in their current situation. I'm not saying that is an excuse however you may want to address what's lacking instead. I'm sure everyone here would disagree with me but if my bf had phone sex, felt remorse/regret and had no intention of doing tit again I would prefer never to find out. Now if he had real sex I'd def want to know as that could put me at risk. Maybe I'm overanalyzing and you just had an itch you needed to scratch out of curiousity.

I think you've hit the nail on the head from the way I was looking at it. I don't feel anything is lacking from my current relationship whatsoever - if anything we have far better sex than I ever did with my Ex. I think it was because my Ex had called me anyway and so she just happened to be there. It could have been anyone I suppose and, you may not agree, I am not imposing too much significance on the fact it was my Ex. I was just drunk and in one of those male 'I'm incredibly horny and I am not thinking with my head in the slightest' kind of moods. The other argument is that the essence of taboo, not being allowed to do it, adds to the heat of the whole thing - but that's a conversation for another day.

Of course I know it was wrong and I shoudn't have done it however I think that the ramifications of what will happen if I tell her will outweigh the actual seriousness of the action. There was no emotion there for me and there are no strings. It was a silly thing to do and I won't allow it to bring down something that could, potentially, be really great.

C0bra_M3nace · Aug 9, 2012, 07:31 AM

Originally Posted by johncosp

I think you've hit the nail on the head from the way I was looking at it. I don't feel anything is lacking from my current relationship whatsoever - if anything we have far better sex than I ever did with my Ex. I think it was due to the fact that my Ex had called me anyway and so she just happened to be there. It could have been anyone I suppose and, you may not agree, I am not imposing too much significance on the fact it was my Ex. I was just drunk and in one of those male 'I'm incredibly horny and I am not thinking with my head in the slightest' kind of moods. The other argument is that the essence of taboo, not being allowed to do it, adds to the heat of the whole thing - but that's a conversation for another day.

Of course I know it was wrong and I shoudn't have done it however I think that the ramifications of what will happen if I tell her will outweigh the actual seriousness of the action. There was no emotion there for me and there are no strings. It was a silly thing to do and I won't allow it to bring down something that could, potentially, be really great.

The choices we make in life mold our character and we are constantly forging who we are with every step. You want to hide this from her and build a small lie into walls of your relationship so be it. It will surely reflect who you are.

johncosp · Aug 9, 2012, 07:37 AM

Originally Posted by C0bra_M3nace

The choices we make in life mold our character and we are constantly forging who we are with every step. You want to hide this from her and build a small lie into walls of your relationship so be it. It will surely reflect who you are.

Its called Utilitarianism snake man. They say ignorance is bliss. I would rather put this behind me and learn from it and dedicate myself to her with renewed vigour than tell her what's happened and have to watch her pain. It's the Risk v Reward card, evaluation and restoration

Homegirl 50 · Aug 9, 2012, 07:46 AM

First of all johncosp, I think you are being very rude and disrespectful to
C0bra. He gives good advice and just because he is not telling you what you want to hear, there is no need to get testy.
I have a problem with your drunk phone sexing with your ex. Why didn't you call your girl friend? That suggest to me there is something there and in a sense you are cheating.
Your being drunk is no excuse for what you did. You have only been in a relationship with your girl friend 6 months. It should still be fresh enough that if you wanted phone sex, sober or drunk, she would be the one you call.
You are going to have issues in the relationship. The phone sex episode is a red flag. You may lose her but she needs to know what she is dealing with.

johncosp · Aug 9, 2012, 07:50 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

First of all johncosp, I think you are being very rude and disrespectful to
C0bra. He gives good advice and just because he is not telling you what you want to hear, there is no need to get testy.
I have a problem with your drunk phone sexing with your ex. Why didn't you call your girl friend? That suggest to me there is something there and in a sense you are cheating.
Your being drunk is no excuse for what you did. You have only been in a relationship with your girl friend 6 months. It should still be fresh enough that if you wanted phone sex, sober or drunk, she would be the one you call.
You are going to have issues in the relationship. The phone sex episode is a red flag. You may lose her but she needs to know what she is dealing with.

I'm sorry. I agree it's wrong and it is a Red Flag. But I know that I can deal with it and sort this out. I know that I can make this relationship really work and I know what that conversation meant for me last night and it wasn't enough for me to risk losing what I have. I know it is in the past and I have done it and I should take the consequences, but I think that this could be something far bigger and better than a little stupidy late on a Wednesday night.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 9, 2012, 07:55 AM

But you did it and whether your girl friend wants to risk her heart on you should be her choice.
How do you know you will not get drunk and do this again, or she won't call you?
You are just starting this relationship and that kind of thing is better to come out now rather than later. It is too early in a relationship for this kind of thing to have happened. It's not good and you know it, which is why you're here asking.

C0bra_M3nace · Aug 9, 2012, 08:07 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

But you did it and whether your girl friend wants to risk her heart on you should be her choice.
How do you know you will not get drunk and do this again, or she won't call you?
You are just starting this relationship and that kind of thing is better to come out now rather than later. It is too early in a relationship for this kind of thing to have happened. It's not good and you know it, which is why you're here asking.

Thank you Homegirl 50. That's point I've been trying to make this entire time. The fact that his girlfriend should be the one to decide whether...

Originally Posted by johncosp

"the ramifications of what will happen if I tell her will outweigh the actual seriousness of the action"

As the cheater, you should not be the one to decide the fate of the relationship. It's absolutely the same mentallity if you were to have physically cheated on her. "What she doesn't know can't hurt her" not a healthy way to go about a relationship.

selena4 · Aug 9, 2012, 09:00 AM

Of course you should tell.. put yourself in her place! What if she does the same thing and does not tell you anything?? How would you feel? You should not hide anything! And this is what makes a relationship works

JD210 · Aug 10, 2012, 02:54 AM

Yes, yes, YES! Tell her. Make sure you convey your regret and apologize profusely, but DO NOT hide it from her. I'm going to tell you straight, you screwed up and her trust is going to be hurt, and she may be pissed, but hopefully she will see your sincerity and forgive you. If she does leave you though, know it's your fault. Honesty is the best policy. Oh, and if she does forgive you, take it and treat it as a blessing. Maybe in the future, you shouldn't drink if it leads you to do those kinds of things...