[gladpants]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year and 3 months. We are both extremely in love and will be going to the same college next year. I admit sometimes we bicker about things we later realize are unimportant, but we have never really discussed my weight before. What he doesn't realize is that I am very self-conscious about my weight and always have been ever since I was a young girl. I have tried a variety of different sports to stay fit, yet I've never had a perfect body.

This past week, I was wearing a dress, and my stomach was showing through a button hole, and he said it annoyed him. Throughout the day, he kept trying to cover up that little piece that was visible. Also, he tries to be a health nut, so whenever I even speak of eating fast food he seems disgusted by the thought. Most importantly, yesterday we were at the beach all day, and I wanted to buy an ice cream cone. He tries to be health conscious and was discouraging me from buying it, but I called him controlling and had one anyway. Later on that same night, we walked together to buy an ice cream of his own. When I asked him why he was being so critical of me earlier when I myself had a cone, he said the "situation was different between us". I am 5'3'' and weigh 128 lbs, and he is skinnier than I am, but we don't look unhealthily obese at all. Last night, after prying it out of him he admitted to me that he feels I should lose some weight. He said he notices how I look in a bikini, and that this has been on his mind for a few months.

When he told me that, my self-esteem dropped so low, and I felt reminded of how horrible I felt about my body image earlier in life.
He apologized to me the entire time he was telling me, and even admitted to being a "bad boyfriend." He is very aware that his thoughts are selfish and feels very guilty about telling me how he feels. At the same time, he told me countless beautiful things about how much he loves me and how everything else about me is perfect. He said my weight is just one little annoyance in our relationship, but that is all, and everything else he adores.

I can't help feeling really crumby about myself though. I look healthy, but I have always hated that I have a little tummy, and it makes me feel depressed. Weight has never been a good topic for myself esteem, and is one of those heed-with-caution zones in my life. I feel like no matter what he says, those few extra pounds from perfect will always bother him and myself if I don't get rid of them.

First of all, I don't like how he told me all of this via long text messages. He could have been more tactful, sensitive, and taken my feelings into mind regarding HOW he told me by planning it out and gently telling me in person.

I want to look gorgeous for him because he deserves an amazing woman, but at the same time, I am bitter about what he said because I have always struggled to lose 10-15lbs which would make me feel beautiful.

We decided we don't want to break up, but considering he is remorseful, how should I approach him from now on? And how do I deal with my low self esteem and feelings of disgust about being in my body?

Thank you

[Knoxpwns]

You are nearly the same body type as my girlfriend, and it seems like your boyfriend is making a big deal out of nothing. My girlfriend is 5'3 just like you and is about 125. She is such a little gal, and considering you are practically the same size I feel like he is in fact being way too critical.

That being said, if he is a person who is actively seeking a healthy lifestyle, then I imagine the only reason he wants you to change is not necessarily for him, but for yourself. He wants a healthy lifestyle, and wants you to have one with him.

Personally, that is how I view the situation. Now, I don't know what kind of livestyle you personally choose, or if you two have tried this before, but perhaps if he knows how to be healthier, maybe he could help you go down that route, if you are willing to, and maybe even you two could work out together? As hard as it is, it would possibly help him to see that you want to help yourself, and in turn would help you feel better about how you look.

My girlfriend, just as you, has body image issues, but you even said yourself you know you are not obese, and that is good, because girl you aren't. If you have calculated your BMI, you are almost smack dab in the middle of a normal weight for your height. Nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself, but if he really feels bad and knows that it hurts your feelings then he needs to change his reactions, and be proactive with you, and not hurtful toward you.

[gladpants]

She asked for his opinion, he shouldn't feel bad for telling her his truthful opinion. Maybe he could have worded it differently to be more positive, and so as to encourage her, and not make her feel bad. It also depends on where the body weight is distributed, in how a person looks. Is it all in the stomach with a gut hanging over, all in the thighs???

I do appreciate his honesty and even told him that, but he has been thinking this for months apparently. I would have appreciated knowing sooner and discovering his opinion more tactfully since I am a sensitive person.

You are nearly the same body type as my girlfriend, and it seems like your boyfriend is making a big deal out of nothing. My girlfriend is 5'3 just like you and is about 125. She is such a little gal, and considering you are practically the same size I feel like he is in fact being way too critical.

That being said, if he is a person who is actively seeking a healthy lifestyle, then I imagine the only reason he wants you to change is not necessarily for him, but for yourself. He wants a healthy lifestyle, and wants you to have one with him.

Personally, that is how I view the situation. Now, I dont know what kind of livestyle you personally choose, or if you two have tried this before, but perhaps if he knows how to be healthier, maybe he could help you go down that route, if you are willing to, and maybe even you two could work out together? as hard as it is, it would possibly help him to see that you want to help yourself, and in turn would help you feel better about how you look.

My girlfriend, just as you, has body image issues, but you even said yourself you know you are not obese, and that is good, because girl you aren't. If you have calculated your BMI, you are almost smack dab in the middle of a normal weight for your height. Nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself, but if he really feels bad and knows that it hurts your feelings then he needs to change his reactions, and be proactive with you, and not hurtful toward you.

Thank you very much

Your boyfriend shouldn't feel guilty at all. You asked him a question, and he answered it honestly. You should take the time that you are feeling crummy and depressed about yourself, and instead, make a healthy menu plan out, and exercise.

You may want to join a support group of some type to help you, with your anxiety regarding your weight and your poor self esteem.

I am starting a workout plan today.

[C0bra_M3nace]

I'm sorry sweetheart, but this guy is not in love with you. He may love you, but he is not in love.

Love is blind, my high school sweetheart is 5' 4" and 140 something. Im not afraid to say it. She is the sexiest and most beautiful girl I know, and I would never ask her to change.

Consider that.

[talaniman]

I take a dim view of not accepting the flaws of a partner, and think working hard to change for him will distract you from your own issues, body image, and low self esteem.

I don't think losing a few pounds helps either of these things, nor helps you love the person that you are which doesn't sound bad at all to be honest. I doubt you would ever live up to, or satisfy his personal ideas of health, and beauty.

Maybe he is more concerned about how you look with him, and that's his personal issue. Say you lose a few pounds. What's next, hair, make up, clothes? You aren't his doll to be beautified. Why allow it? Why be who he wants you to be? Why not be who YOU want to be and be loved for it, no matter how that bikini fits.

He should be telling you how awesome you look in that bikini, and how awesome you look in a sweat suit in the morning before you brush your teeth. Instead this boob feeds into the worst parts of your fears for his own selfish motives.

The best weight to lose is his inconsiderate a$$! You should have told him if he doesn't like you as you are get to stepping. At least that's what a confident person would do rather than be manipulated by an insensitive selfish coward.

Sorry I just do not approve of his methods at all. Nor the affect it has on you. To be fair, maybe some honest communication would clue him in.

[mearbhall]

I take a dim view of not accepting the flaws of a partner, and think working hard to change for him will distract you from your own issues, body image, and low self esteem.

I don't think losing a few pounds helps either of these things, nor helps you love the person that you are which doesn't sound bad at all to be honest. I doubt you would ever live up to, or satisfy his personal ideas of health, and beauty.

Maybe he is more concerned about how you look with him, and thats his personal issue. Say you lose a few pounds. Whats next, hair, make up, clothes? You aren't his doll to be beautified. Why allow it? Why be who he wants you to be? Why not be who YOU want to be and be loved for it, no matter how that bikini fits.

He should be telling you how awesome you look in that bikini, and how awesome you look in a sweat suit in the morning before you brush your teeth. Instead this boob feeds into the worst parts of your fears for his own selfish motives.

The best weight to lose is his inconsiderate a$$! You should have told him if he doesn't like you as you are get to stepping. At least thats what a confident person would do rather than be manipulated by an insensitive selfish coward.

Sorry I just do not approve of his methods at all. Nor the affect it has on you. To be fair, maybe some honest communication would clue him in.

THANK YOU! I read this post on mobile last night and couldn't wait to log in today, couldn't believe why nobody called him an a$$ sooner! Seriously, what a rotter of a person.