[kinfrox]

I have a little problem. My ex-girlfriend and I are pondering getting back together. Here's the skinny. We broke up about 2 months ago because I was feeling very neglected. She has a four year old child who is her world. Hear me out now. I know your children should be number one. I am absolutely fine with this. We do everything with the little guy, and for the most part I'm cool with that. The thing that bothers me and the reason we broke up was because I feel like there is a big difference between spending most of our time with her son and all of our time with her son. I think there needs to be some alone time (adult time) in any relationship in order for it to survive. We had absolutely zero alone time! Not even at night when he should be going to bed did we have alone time because he sleeps in her bed, therefore, he sleeps when she sleeps. It got to the point where I would lay down next to her to cuddle and she would send me on the other side of the bed next to her son so that he wouldn't roll off the bed. I felt like a human guardrail rather than a boyfriend. I didn't feel I was asking for much. About once a month I would ask her to get a babysitter so we could go do something alone. She would always say, "why can't we bring my son." When I explained that I wanted some alone (adult time) with her, she would get all defensive like I hated her kid and didn't want him around. She was obviously forgetting the rest of the month when he was with us every minute! She would also say that she felt bad getting a sitter and she needed to spend that time with her son. Here's the manipulative part. Since we've broken up, she's been out every weekend at bars and clubs, leaving her child with a sitter. This tells me its not about her feeling guilty leaving her son, its about getting what she wants, when she wants. I've brought this to her attention and she says if we get back together it will be different. We will have alone time, she's no longer afraid to leave her child with a sitter. Things have changed she says. I just don't know if I believe her. How much could change in 2 months with a four year old, that she's o.k. leaving him now. It sounds like she's just manipulating the situation and as soon as we get back together, it will be the same as always. Can anyone help me with this? Much appreciated! Thank You!

[J_9]

Okay I am really confused now. Here is your other post as of today and at that point you were not broken up.

Hello, I'm in a big mess and need alot of help. I'm a 28 yr. old man who is dating a woman with a 4 yr. old child. The problem is, I was brought up in a very middle class household, and was brought up as such. I had many rules and guidelines I had to follow as a child. I think it has molded me into a responsible, repectful adult. My girlfriend was brought up the opposite. She was spoiled as a child in a upperclass family. My problem is this. I see her spoiling her child and not enforcing many rules. I have a huge problem with this!!! I could be wrong here, but in my experience children who are raised this way turn out to be big brats for a lack of a better word. I'm not asking for much. The main problems I have have to do with bedtime, eating, spoiling. First, he's 4yrs. old and he goes to bed anywhere between 11:30 and 12:30 every night! This drives me insane! I think a nine o'clock bedtime is about right. Secondly, when we sit down to eat, she feeds him! Again, he's 4. I have 2 year old cousins who feed themselves! Lastly, she rarely says no to his requests. For example, whenever they go to the store, she has gotten so used to always buying him something, that he expects it now. He is constantly asking for things and if she says "no" which is very rare, he throws an absolute tantrum! I just see this heading for disaster! I care very much for her, and I have told her about my concerns. When I tell her, she gets defensive and thinks I'm trying to tell her how to parent. I guess I am telling her how to parent. I feel like saying " god, can you not see all this!" You are really screwing your child up for later in life!" I don't tell her that, but I think it. Should I just let her go or what? Are my feelings about her parenting offbase? If she knows how I feel and doesn't change any of it, is this a hint of what is to come later in our relationship. Her not respecting my opinion about other things? I know alot of questions! Someone please help!

You just need to leave this gal alone. Apparently she does not have the same ideas in life that you do. You are young, find another gal with not as much baggage attached.

[grammadidi]

Ummmmm... excuse me... but WHY are you considering getting back together? She's going to bars and clubs but wouldn't even let the boy sleep in his own bed? In my opinion, people break up for a reason. If she wanted to show you that things had changed she wouldn't be running out to bars and clubs, but she'd be calling you over for dinner and to talk and have her son with a sitter. If you insist on continuing to see her, I would just date her for 4 or 5 months with no promises and see where things are really at. Problems should be worked out together... not in a bar or club.

Didi

[scol409]

Ooohhh. Sounds a little manipulative and high maintenance to me. I think you should run as fast as you can... in the other direction.

[J_9]

According to your other post, which I have quoted above, you should just go your separate ways. Apparently you don't have the same agendas in life.

[TheSavage]

Dagnabit -- I agree with every answer you got. Yes the child should come first [ but never know they come first], but you should not be coming in at 10th.
Move on

[shygrneyzs]

I agree she is high maintenance and I agree that you and her have totally different points of view and standards. While I believe her son should be first, that boy does not belong in Mom's bed - at any time. That can cause some serious developmental/psychological issues later on in life for that child. Childcare can be used for you and her to actually go out on a date. If she does not want to deal with the tantrums, you cannot change her pattern of behavior. That boy knows how to work his Mom already. You cannot, cannot be the one to fix things.

Get out as fast as you can, do not look back, do not stop to second guess yourself, and do not get sucked into the "but things have changed". If you stay with her, the future is not so bright. You would have to insist for some professional help in raising that child - like the "Nanny 911". I am serious about that.