[Brock32]

I am 32. She is 31. We met each other through mutual friends and spoke off and on for a couple months. She told me that her ideal relationship would start slowly because she doesn't want to lose herself. Well, the relationship ended up moving really fast.

About 1 month in she started becoming emotional about us (scared we will not work out because a number of reasons). Example: I travel for work and she's afraid something might happen to me while I'm away. I enjoy sports. She's afraid that she doesn't fit in with my enthusiasm for sports or my sports friends. She's afraid that she is just the next woman I date. I come from a wealthy upbringing, she is insecure about being in debt and coming from a different upbringing. I couldn't care less about our differences. I just want to be with her.

After a month she starts to pull back and says she wants to slow down. I agreed with her because I wanted her to relax. The next three weeks she pulls back to the point where we aren't affectionate and are hardly flirting anymore. After three weeks she says 'we need to talk'. Tells me she doesn't feel good about us and that we should end the relationship before anyone gets hurt. At this point I am hurt because I genuinely have strong emotions towards her and we have an amazing amount of similarities and chemistry.

We have been broken up for a week and we broke up on good terms. Yesterday I ran into her (because we have mutual friends) and I realized that I am not over her. She invited me to be on her trivia night team that plays weekly at a local bar. I want to start over and take it slow with her as it was an amazing relationship. I don't know how to approach any of this. I don't want to put myself in the 'friend zone' but I know she needs to take things slow and a friendship maybe the only way she feels comfortable getting to know me. I want to date her. What do I do?

[elliot2000]

I would say this is all good news for you. Here is the thing about the "friends zone"... it doesn't have to exist. You don't need to refer to her as a friend or play that game.

The trivia night is a good thing because you can really turn up the charm at events like this. Enjoy yourself and make it sure everyone else is having fun too. Don't force yourself on her at the end of the night... just play it cool and tell her you had fun.

A couple weeks from now, after you have had a few good times together, tell her that you just can't do it anymore. You are attracted to her beyond friendship. Simply state the facts... don't ask her to commit to you. Let her know that you will always be thinking about her if she ever wants to get back together.

After this I would cut off all ties with her. Let it soak in that you are not coming back for friendship. If you did things right during your time as "friends" then she will feel enough attraction to come back to you.

Good Luck - Elliot

[talaniman]

Two and a half months is nothing in getting to know someone and I think this is the way she is slowing things down to a pace she can best handle. If it's a waste for you, don't go, but if you want to see what happens then do so. Just leave the romantic expectations at home and you will have a better time.

The friend zone can be a fun place to be if you have the right attitude. Butif you can't handle that just politely decline.

[Brock32]

I appreciate both responses. The problem is that I don't think I could handle being friends with her while guys approach her, etc. I need to be OK with the friendship first, but I am never going to recover emotionally (let off the hook) if I see her weekly.