[smart1109]

She told me about her past in installments . Only after I pushing her to tell me . She gave me the detail info about it when our relation was 1 year old.. Now that I know she told me everything still I fear if that girl could hide something for one year she could very well hide something from me... We patched up though but its always somewhere in my mind . I am really confused ! One one side I love spending time with her cause shez complete and on other hand she hid something from me for 1 year which makes me go nuts.. Please suggest me what to do .

[Stellaw]

Your relationship with her will not work out if you won't forget that she lied to you.
Do you want that? Do you want her to be in your life or not? Appreciate her
Courage for telling you all about her mistakes in the past. I was in a band before
And I was the vocalist. My then-girlfriend-now-wife didn't like my work because she was always jealous.
I told her to trust me and she said she did but she just don't trust all the other
People when under the influence of alcohol. She said that good girls go bad after
A couple of tequila shots. She even gets jealous with gays even though she knows that
She's the one I love. When she goes to my gigs, she would get drunk too and fight with
Other women who claps or shouts "One more!". She would go berserk seeing Facebook photos
Of me and other girls on their accounts. The photos were wholesome but she called them
Names and even got sanctioned for sending threats through text to them.

So, I lied to her and not just once. I lied about going to practices for an album but the
Truth was I sang at some bar. I lied over and over again. She caught me singing at bars
A couple of times and I would say sorry and she would forgive me. I told her I was at this
Place where she can't be able to watch me but the truth was the venue was just minutes away from
Her house. But I then realized that lying will not make our relationship stronger so I
Talked to her and made her promise not to fight with other people when I'm singing on stage.

When we got married and lived in the same house, I stopped singing for her and she would still
Tell me that she forgave me for lying but she can't forget all those times when she would wait
For me or try to find me at nearby clubs and bars. She was really scarred when I told her all
About my lies. Even though I have pretty valid reasons for lying but lying is still wrong.

Now, she doesn't show signs of hurt anymore. I think she realized that in order for our relationship
To work, she must forgive and forget that I lied to her over and over again. I really love her
That's why I told her the truth. So, Smart1109, I think your girlfriend really cares for you
Because she told you the truth about her even if she's ashamed about all her mistakes in the
Past.

Communicating your mistakes to someone really takes courage so try harder to forgive and forget
That fact that she lied to you for a year if you really love and want her. If you're not
Too sure, then give yourself some time and be single for awhile and try to heal before
Getting into a relationship where you just hurt someone. You're hurting her if you show signs
That you still haven't forgiven and forgotten her lies. She wants understanding from you now
So try your best.

[JudyKayTee]

She told me about her past in installments . Only after I pushing her to tell me . She gave me the detail info about it when our relation was 1 year old .. Now that I know she told me everything still I fear if that girl could hide something for one year she could very well hide something from me ... We patched up though but its always somewhere in my mind . I am really confused ! One one side I love spending time with her cause shez complete and on other hand she hid something from me for 1 year which makes me go nuts .. Please suggest me what to do .

I think it depends on what the past was. You can't change where you've been. Some things in people's pasts are not other people's business.

Now - if you lie to your "partner" (wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend) when you're IN a relationship, that's cheating, possibly emotional cheating, possibly physical cheating. Could I live with repeated lies told to me by someone I loved and trusted during a relationship? No.

[Cat1864]

She told me about her past in installments . Only after I pushing her to tell me . She gave me the detail info about it when our relation was 1 year old.. Now that I know she told me everything still I fear if that girl could hide something for one year she could very well hide something from me... We patched up though but its always somewhere in my mind . I am really confused ! One one side I love spending time with her cause shez complete and on other hand she hid something from me for 1 year which makes me go nuts.. Please suggest me what to do .

This is going to be harsh. But please keep an open mind and think about it.

Her past is her past and she should have walked away when you started demanding to know what she did before she was involved with you. What gave you the right to push (aka: force) her to tell you anything about what she did who she saw before you?

Do you even acknowledge how controlling your behavior has been and continues to be? Now you are accusing her of hiding things from you for a year causing you to be insecure? You caused your insecurity and confusion. You have pressured her into telling you things that are not your business and you blame her. Why should she stay with you? What have you done to gain her trust after treating her like she was under investigation for a crime?

You accept her as the person she is. You learn to accept that she is her own being with the right to have and share her thoughts when she wants to and not when she is questioned and coerced into telling. If you can't, let her go. She deserves someone who loves and trusts her enough to respect her right to privacy. Someone who is willing to build a foundation of trust and love that encourages her to feel safe to share what she wants to when she feels the time is right.

[JudyKayTee]

... So, I lied to her and not just once. I lied about going to practices for an album but the truth was I sang at some bar. I lied over and over again. She caught me singing at bars a couple of times and I would say sorry and she would forgive me. I told her I was at this place where she can't be able to watch me but the truth was the venue was just minutes away from her house. But I then realized that lying will not make our relationship stronger so I talked to her and made her promise not to fight with other people when I'm singing on stage.

When we got married and lived in the same house, I stopped singing for her and she would still tell me that she forgave me for lying but she can't forget all those times when she would wait for me or try to find me at nearby clubs and bars. She was really scarred when I told her all
about my lies. Even though I have pretty valid reasons for lying but lying is still wrong.

Now, she doesn't show signs of hurt anymore. I think she realized that in order for our relationship to work, she must forgive and forget that I lied to her over and over again. I really love her that's why I told her the truth..

I think you told her the truth about lying and lying and lying to her because you got caught. In order for your relationship to work SHE must forgive and forget? How about you need to stop lying... about anything - ?

[Cat1864]

Your relationship with her will not work out if you won't forget that she lied to you.
Do you want that? Do you want her to be in your life or not? Appreciate her
courage for telling you all about her mistakes in the past.

I have been doing some more thinking about the question starting this thread and this bit of advice.

It is not lying for a person to not want to share everything about their past. It is a privacy issue. Some people choose to share everything. Others for their own reasons need time to open up and even then still keep some information to themselves. It is their right.

For some people healing from past relationships means putting thoughts of the ex-parters firmly behind them. To think about the memories is to keep the wound open. It also invites the mental 'ghost' of the ex into the current relationship.

It is not the right of the current partner to know everything. If they feel like the past is intruding on the current relationship, they can respectfully ask if there are issues. However, it is not their right to demand answers from someone who doesn't feel comfortable sharing. If the current partner cannot accept their partner's need for patience and time to open up, then they can back off or walk away.

By demanding answers, they run the risk of the other person telling them what they appear to want to hear and that may not be the truth. It may be embellishments to make the person stop asking. That usually only leads to more questions. It is better to walk away instead of 'giving in'. 'Giving in' only feeds the insecurity shown by the current partner. For the current partner, confusion and insecurity come from within. They have to accept that some things are out of their control. If they can't then the relationship probably will not be healthy or survive for very long.

Stellaw brings up lying in the relationship. That is very different from not talking about events that happened before the partners became involved with each other. If a person cannot be open about their comings and goings especially if it is about their work, then there is something wrong. When someone lies about one thing such as where they are going, it leads to questioning how truthful they are about other matters. Some people can work through the lies but many times there is still damage left behind.

People who tell lies to get what they want usually do not stop. They may change from lying about where they are and start making things up in other ways such as to garner attention if they feel like they aren't getting what they need. The liar has to be very careful that they can put the behavior behind them. The partner has to be able to let the damage heal. They have to be able to work together to rebuild the trust.

[JudyKayTee]

I agree, Cat, and this is pretty much what I said (but not as well) in #3 above. I see no connection between not telling a "partner" your life story and lying while in a relationship.

Glad I'm not alone in that.

[smart1109]

Thanks guys ! Your post has been of great help never been this relaxed since long !

[sparks123]

If its always on your mind that she may be hiding something, then it can ruin your relationship because there isn't fair communication. Obviously, if she had the guts to tell you whatever happened, then she should have had the guts to tell you something else (if she is hiding something else). If you don't trust her then ask her. If she says there is nothing to tell, and then in the future she told you she lied, then you can break up with her and officially not trust her. But right now, there is no evidence that she is hiding something, so you have to just forget about it.

[Stellaw]

I'm glad I could help in any way. Thanks for thanking too. You should also bear in mind that most people don't share their past with someone at the beginning of a relationship because they don't want to be judged. She may hide it from you because she's afraid that she might lose you because you'll judge her. There are so many probable reasons she hid her past from you and you should understand because people are not the same. You may be very honest all throughout any relationship even on the first date but others are not. I, myself didn't reveal to my wife until we got engaged that I dated someone who's married in the past (the annulment process was very slow and crappy) because I don't want to be judged. My wife, too, dated someone who's married but she told me on our first date and it really did make me judge her because I believe that dating a married man is wrong. My wife regretted telling me that information on our first date because when we became a couple and when we fight, I would reiterate how low she was for having a relationship with a married man. I believed that it was fine with guys who date married people and date as many as they want and have several relationships at the same time. I really wanted to marry someone who's religious. Someone who hears mass every Sunday and a nice girl whom I could bring home and make my parents to meet with. I was very shallow, then. Remember, when it comes to love, even your standards and principles would be forgotten.