[ashlaay419]

Well.. Where to start. My boyfriend and I are both young, 20. We started dating when we were 16 and we've had a very "unique" relationship. Up until about 8 months ago we were extremely disfuntional.. Lots and lots of fighting, to others it looked like we'd never make it, but something has kept us together. We have such a strong love for each other and an incredible friendship. A lot has gone on in both our personal lives the past 4yrs we've spent together.. We leaned on each other, helped each other... We grew together.
Now here we go. It was last April to be exact, he broke my heart. We've done a lot of hurtful and immature things toward each other, but this time was different. We were fighting a lot, family problems, just lots of personal issues. He decided he wanted something different. He broke up with me, and made foolish foolish decisions. We were only broken up for a few months and in that few months we got a glimpse of what it was like without each other. We missed each other so much and realized that although both very young, we needed each other.
So we got back together. After about 2 months back together we found out I'm pregnant. I'm almost 6 months pregnant now and I can see such an incredible future for us. Now I know we're only 20 but we love each other immensely. It's the love you physically feel, the love that makes you sacrifice, its selflessness, it's the love you know is eternal. After finding out we're having a baby, its changed us from kids into adults. He realizes his mistakes of last year and I see him becoming a very good man.. But for me its harder than I expected.
I know I want a life with him, I know I love him, I know things are different now.. So that's not an issue. Its just hard remembering what I went through because of him, I guess there's still slight resentment? It just hurts, the memories hurt, knowing what he did while we were broken up hurts.. And it won't go away. I know I need to leave the past in the past, but sometimes it gets so hard and I hold on to all these memories as a guard. I don't want to let myself get fooled into believing someone is in love with me when they were so capable of walking away from me and leaving me feel abandoned and unloved. But at the same time I see regret when I look in his eyes. I know he knows what he did was wrong and I know he'd take it all back. But I just can't emotionally let it go.
He was very hurtful in many ways toward me when he broke up with me and turned into a person I didn't know.
I don't want to go into too much detial but I'm hoping someone can bless me with a little advice or thoughts. I'd be GLAD to answer any questions, for I'm close to desperate for some advice.
Thank you,
Ashley

[Fr_Chuck]

Get professional counseling. One does not change just because a child is born, If there were years of issues, those all need to be discussed and worked out.

[samdarwen]

Dear (Soon to be a mother)..
If you so sure you love him; I think you already know what to do... No one can get you to feel better but you.. He made a mistake and because of one bad decision, you still suffering but hey; this is a one side story as most people think and act; it is always not my fault... Remember why he wanted out of the relationship.. Might be because of too much fighting, arguing, not giving him a chance to be normal.. You cannot keep thinking only about yourself because life is not about you only even when it feels so from where you stand... If he is a good man; loves you; a good father to be, then forgiveness is something we all need because we all are sinners.. Maybe the problem is not in him; maybe you still had not forgiving yourself, scared of what happened once to happen again.. Maybe you need to think about your baby; she/he deserves a good loving family.. Be that family for him and know that once you get to that point of understanding, you can move on with your life... Fear only takes us to the back, never good... Hope for a better tomorrow is what you need to focus on...


All the love

Sam

[mmresd]

Wounds like those take a while to heal. Just keep working at the relationship, forgive him for those things and see how things go. If you are not able to do it on your own, then I agree with FR Chuck, get professional help.

[ashlaay419]

samdarwen-
I can't help but feel a little offended by your response. You think I don't want a normal family for my baby? You think I don't want to forgive and forget? I'm insulted by you saying I'm doing this to myself and maybe the problem is me. That's not the case.
Maybe I should've gone into a little more detail.. he started sleeping around a lot (I try to see that as him needing to experience what it was like with other girls).. but at the same time it hurts because he told me he never stopped loving me, but how does banging other girls show love? I feel he should've fought for me, tried harder, it took him awhile to get me back. For he was also addicted to meth and drank literally not exaggerating, everyday. Like I said, he became a different person. A person I didn't know he was capable of becoming.. and that hurt. It hurts to know that he can be so hurtful. Its hard for me to understand why he did some of the things he did when I know I would NEVER do them.
He broke up with me because I didn't want to fight anymore, we fought about stupid stuff. Him out drinking until 2 in the morning, him texting other girls, stupid immature childish things. I wanted him, only him. I wanted a future with him.. and that's what he was unsure about. So he broke up with me because he wanted to be single.
So I'm torn between did he do what he did because he needed that experience, and its only brought us closer? Or am I one of those girls who just takes someone back who doesn't deserve me or my love? I was so easy to walk away from. I was so easy to watch cry and not care. Am I a doormat? Did he just want to have his fun and keep me on the back burner? I try to stay positive. I just don't understand how a mans brain works.
I just want to know why he did those things? How do I forgive and forget? How do I control the hurt and the horrible thoughts that go through my head?
Since being back together, I've been finding out more and more what he did while we were broken up. And yah, he was single and so was I.. But he was trying to get me back while we were broken up, he told me was still in love with me and was okay giving me time.. but at the same time doing drugs, and being with other girls?
I don't get it.
I love him and know things are different than how they use to be. I don't know what's really going on. I don't even know half of what I just wrote.. I've held so much in for so long.. trying to forget. And sometimes I lash out on him and it hurts our relationship... Idk what else to say.. I feel just emotionless right now.

[samdarwen]

I am sorry and retract what I've said for my response for you were based on missing information you provided. I am not in a position to judge anyone for each one of us has our own issues and experiences.
I once worked as a Psychologist and as a result of my ignorance, I kept misjudging people so I stopped practicing, however; this is not why I am writing back... I am saddened hearing the troubling information you just provided and my advice to you is to think things through before taking any decision either way…
Think outside the box as they say it…
If you notice that when your friend tells you about her/his problem, then it is easier to advice this person how to solve their problems? That is because you are not inside the box like they are, on the other hand; if you had the same issue/problem, you cannot deal with it the way you did with your friend. This is outside the box and it is not easy….
As someone is not involve; and for the best for you and your unborn child; your brains must be the judge here and the heart is no longer a decision maker because the fact that he did/dose meth, drugs... ext, means bad news for your baby… However; I cannot tell you to leave him but I can tell you how I felt when I knew my wife cheating on me; I was heartbroken even when I loved her… I even tried to look the other way and not to believe what I knew…. In the end; I got hurt more and end up being setup by her and her lover (Was my best friend), so you see; I end up losing everything and I mean everything… She took my son and money to run away with him… I cannot find my son until now, do you know why? I loved her…
Please use your head and not your heart even when I contradicting myself to what I said in my first opinion.
Love is not what we feel about owning something or having someone next to us, it is not sexual and it is neither what a man feels around d a woman that relaxes him nor what a woman feels about a man she feels he is her shining knight. Love is letting him/her go because this is the best for them and no matter how hard it is going to be for us; love is unconditioned giving and never about taking; like the mother’s love for her child, a father will to give his life for his child, nothing in return but the well of the one they love.
Wish you the best and know that you still very young and I mean very young and life is ahead of you and most likely, you are holding to something or someone you once have and that is why you cannot let go and feel this confusion. Finally you may want to consider that because he left you once, you felt anger and defeat, not as if you where the one who left him…
You sound like a smart young woman, do the smart thing and by the way; I still hold to my earlier advice which is no one can help you more than yourself

Wish you the best
Sam

[talaniman]

Being young with much on your plate, I think a good support system of family is what you need and some close understanding friends to get you through this life changing event, and allow you in time to change your focus on what's happening now. You still carry those old hurt feelings and along with being pregnant its going to take a lot more time to understand what you have been through, and to figure out what to do with your own feelings.

Don't worry right now, soon to be mom, as your hormones and thoughts are way off right now, and that's a part of being 6 months pregnant. Just tell your guy to hold your hand a lot, as it's a first for you both right?

For now, make sure your DOCTOR, knows of your stresses. There is nothing for a pregnant female to worry about except having a healthy child, and everything else can be worked on a lot later down the road.