[jenny4602]

My teens are having trouble making friends at the church we go to. We have been going two and a half years. The kids seem really nice but they all have their own groups, and are not really noticing my teens. I have talked to the pastors but nothing is really being done to make them feel apart of the youth. (by the youth) Should I look for another church?

[JudyKayTee]

I think it's a mistake if your children don't fit into one group and so they move to another church and try to fit into another group. I don't know that the pastor can do much other than to ask the other children to include your children. Parents stepping into problems like this never works unless it's an unfair situation involving bullying.

Why aren't your children being accepted after this fairly long period? Are they involved in church activities? Do they mingle or stay together? Are there cultural differences?

[Question_All]

Well the thing is that if the church is such a big part of your life that this is problem then you have a problem and the kids have a problem because making friends in school or hobbies such as sport or music should a lot more important then making friends in church. People all have different opinions and a healthy friendship cannot be based on religion because the teens and kids in church all have different hobbies and interests and for a friendship to bloom they would have to have the same interests and hobbies instead of just the same religion. They probably have friends in school because kids gather there to learn not pray and people can converse freely about things other then god.

[Wondergirl]

I'm a preacher's kid, so will respond to your situation from that vantage point.

It's tough to be the new kid on the block. You then have to break into long-established friendships, as your children are finding out. Merging into teen friendships is especially difficult.

How about having a few teens over for a pizza party or DVD movie evening with snacks? Of course, it will have to be chaperoned by adults (you and your husband). Or you and your husband get involved with the church teen group and be two of the chaperones for their activities. If there is no such group, start one that goes bowling or to museums, etc. (with the pastor's/church's input and permission).

If you move to another church, you only take your difficulties along with you, and undoubtedly will have similar problems at the next church.

Which denomination is this?

[JudyKayTee]

Well the thing is that if the church is such a big part of your life that this is problem then you have a problem and the kids have a problem because making friends in school or hobbies such as sport or music should a lot more important then making friends in church. People all have different opinions and a healthy friendship cannot be based on religion because the teens and kids in church all have different hobbies and interests and for a friendship to bloom they would have to have the same interests and hobbies instead of just the same religion. They probably have friends in school because kids gather there to learn not pray and people can converse freely about things other then god.

It depends on what level of friendship your children are seeking - I agree. Mutual interests form bonds. If the children at church are ignoring or being rude to your children, well, that's another story. If they are friendly but have their own groups, that's another thing.

I think it's a mistake for a parent to try to force other children to befriend their children - word gets out and it's embarrassing.

I would not have spoken to the Pastor - but that's just me.

And, yes, WG is a Preachers Kid and is GREAT at answering these questions.

[Homegirl 50]

Are your kids bothered by this or is it just you?
If they have friends otherwise, I would not worry about it.

[Wondergirl]

I was a pre-teen when we moved from the parish in western NC to another one in western NY. I was looked at with fear and great suspicion and was criticized by girls for my short, permed hair (theirs was long and un-permed), my clothes, my good grades, and my slight Southern accent (my parents were from Idaho and Illinois, but I had picked up an accent). Also, I was cute and could pitch "like a boy," so the guys liked me and wanted me on their team (which got the girls all rumpled up). The girls' gossip got me riled up, so I didn't like them much either. It took at least a year for me to worm my way into the girls' good graces (and for them to worm their way into mine).


So -- your children won't be friends with everyone for all sorts of reasons. Let them find ways to connect with one or two or three. And stay out of it, like Judy said.