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slimsistr · Feb 22, 2012, 07:54 AM

So, I have real nails, 3 1/2 ft of real grown my own hair, I still wear lingerie, I'm a size 2 and work out daily I switch things up and try to stay interesting.. And my man just has no interest. We've been together 10 yrs and have 2 kids. We used to take any opportunity, 2-3 times a day for years. What else can I do to get his attention?

JudyKayTee · Feb 22, 2012, 08:03 AM

Maybe he's attracted more to brains and less to looks. How much do you have in common? What do you talk to him about?

Is he healthy and/or is he stressed out at work?

slimsistr · Feb 22, 2012, 08:29 AM

He works hard. I'm a stay at home mom. We have a normal suburban life. I'm definitely not all about beauty, I do these things for the sole purpose of turning him on. We talk about kids, work, school, the garden. We spend all of our free time together. Its more like buddies now. He still tells me I'm beautiful and sexy. I definitely appreciate that. But lately, its all talk, no action

odinn7 · Feb 22, 2012, 08:34 AM

How old is he? Maybe he's just going through some things that are causing issues. Maybe he has some form of ED? There are a number of things that could be going on.

Cat1864 · Feb 22, 2012, 08:42 AM

Are you having sex now? If so, how often? How often are you trying to interest him in sex? Does he show affection in non-sexual ways?

Ultimately, only he can answer that question. So, first bit of advice is to sit him down and have a discussion (pick some place other than the bedroom) about what is going on. Communication is always a good place to start. Remember that it isn't a confrontation. You both need to be able to share and willing to listen.

You can make yourself aware of some of the common reasons for a slow down in sex and see if any of them apply to your situation.

Some reasons are:

Health-is he healthy? Does he have any medical conditions or is he on any medications that can affect his libido?

Stress-is he worried about the family, finances, friends, work, the house, etc. Stress is one of the biggest libido limiters because it causes the mind to be unable to put distractions aside and enjoy the moment.

Fear-has he suppressed his libido because he is afraid of something such as another pregnancy, possible interruptions or being over heard by the children? Some people are okay with having sex when the children are babies, but as the children get older and more aware (and mobile) some people become more self-conscious about getting 'caught'.

Pressure-has he been feeling pressured to perform when he isn't interested? Sometimes people will go through a phase of just not being interested (can be caused by other reasons) but their partner (or they) don't understand what is going on and try to 'make' them interested in sex. The pressure whether from an external or internal source slowly grows and can result in the person backing away from having sex. Have you tried backing off and letting him try to interest you in sex?

It all comes down to talking with him, if you haven't, and working together. If you are trying things without talking to him, then you may be going off in the wrong direction. Find out where he is and how you can both get to same place.

Good luck.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 22, 2012, 10:21 AM

At 10 years of marriage and in your 30's, sex 2 or 3 times a day is honestly not realistic, people work, have kids and life. So how often are you having sex ? It also appears you are more obsessed with looks than men are, They don't care about real nails, and heaven only know I hate long hair, as do many men,

Cat1864 · Feb 22, 2012, 11:16 AM

Originally Posted by slimsistr

We spend all of our free time together. Its more like buddies now.

This hits on one factor I didn't mention before: Spending too much time together.

A couple needs interests outside the relationship to bring new energy into it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with occasionally going out with friends or having a hobby that takes you out of the house for a little while. Even volunteering or taking classes in things that interest you (perhaps gardening, horticulture, floral design, etc.) can be helpful.

You don't have to be each other's sole source of mature interaction. As a stay-at-home-mother, I know how great it can be to talk to another adult. It can also be good for the spirit and the relationship to relax with friends or enjoy some 'me' time that isn't spent doing something to ultimately please someone else.

How is your relationship with yourself? In trying to keep things 'interesting' for him have you set aside parts of yourself you both may be missing but haven't realized it?

slimsistr · Feb 23, 2012, 08:27 AM

Thanks for all the advice. We definitely don't get much time apart. I hate the hair and nail and makeup all the work it takes, but he likes it. His job isn't stressful really, but long hours. Until a year ago we had some form of sex at least once a day. The kids haven't ever caught us in the act but I can definitely see how that may bother him since we've moved rooms closer to our son

JudyKayTee · Feb 23, 2012, 08:39 AM

Buy a lock for your door and a radio for inside the room.

I'm not sure you haven't lost yourself in this relationship - you hate the hair and nails but do them both because he loves them? I'd compromise or at least attempt to compromise.

I truly wouldn't do anything I "hated" to keep someone happy long term. I would only end up resentful.

Stringer · Feb 23, 2012, 08:03 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

At 10 years of marriage and in your 30's, sex 2 or 3 times a day is honestly not realistic, people work, have kids and life. So how often are you having sex ? It also appears you are more obsessed with looks than men are, They don't care about real nails, and heaven only know I hate long hair, as do many men,

Everyone has their turn ons, one of mine is 'long hair on a pillow... just saying. One man's sugar, another man's salt... :)

I too believe that you two need to sit down and have a deep conversation (no accusations). And it will probably be necessary several times. Men will usually automatically feel threatened in some form. I suggest short talks and reassure him that you love him please don't make accusations because he will probably put his defenses. I would just start slow, with a few things and then let him think about them. And then in a day or so sit down again to ask him what he feels/thinks about your last talk, don't sound threatening.

I realize that there are many ways to handle this situation I am just trying to help. Men and women approach things in a different fashion and I think that getting him to open up honestly is the first step.

I am not an expert at all, I have attended many conferences/presentations on how men and women relate and how each approaches each situation. After having dinner with John Grey (Men are from Mars... which I do not agree with everything presented by the way) I learned a lot about myself and one of those was that men handle emotions quite differently than women (I thought that I knew this already). But one was that we (men) usually listen better when it is given in short bursts so to speak and then when given time to 'mull' it over can see things differently, hopefully.

Anyway if all this doesn't give positive results then I suggest that you two look for a good therapist who may be able to sit things right obviously with your help.

Stringer