[mamaof2boys]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. While we were dating and first married things with my mother-in-law were OK. She has always favored my husband's younger brother so she wasn't super involved in our lives but holidays and special occasions were usually pleasant with her. It all changed when we had our first son. I wanted my mother and my husband to be the only ones in there during the actual delivery. My husband agreed seeing as neither one of us were very close to his mom. At my son's birth she refused to leave the room until a nurse basically forced her to. When my son was immediately rushed to the NICU, before we even got to see him, she sat in the hall crying saying how she didn't even get to see him because I wouldn't let her be in there. Hello lady, we didn't even get to see him. Things were OK after he was born and I allowed her to babysit once a month or so. Between the time our first and second son was born we had a falling out with her and went several months without speaking to her. We eventually made amends but our relationship was even less close than before. This being my second child I chose to not let anyone babysit him until he was a certain age. She threw a fit about it but I felt he is my child, its my decision. She was welcome to see him any time but never made the effort and continued to act like it was our fault she "didnt know him". Once he was older I let her keep both the boys over night. They would come home and tell me they were given coffee and allowed unlimited amounts of candy. I told her to please not do that. It's not good for them and its not fair that she feeds them that crap and then sends them back home acting crazy. My mom has always been very very involved in my children's lives. Never missed a single event. My mother in law hardly ever comes to anything of theirs. However she will go on Facebook, take my mom's photos of said activity and post it on her page as if she was there. She brags to everyone and all over Facebook about what a wonderful Grammy she is. And at the same time makes it sound like we don't allow her to join in their lives. When my 3rd son was born he was the first one I breastfed, I was very attached to him. I didn't even let my mom watch him unless it was an emergency. My mom didn't care or criticize me, she just came over and made time to bond with him. He was born in June of 10. Between the time he was born and Christmas my MIL only saw him 3 times, at his birth and my other kids birthday parties. Threw fits to me, my husband, and on fb about how unfair it was that she couldn't keep him over night. She made no effort to get to know him. Why would I let him stay with someone who was a complete stranger to him? Since she couldn't keep him she never asked to see or keep the other boys either. Which was fine with me, if she didn't pretend to everyone else that she is such a wonderful grandmother. It just keeps getting worse. She is insanely jealous of my mother, who doesn't go a week without seeing the boys. This year she did not come to 2 of the kids birthdays because she was "tired". My husband has been working out of state for 4 months. We expressed to her that if she could help out with the kids at all while he was gone that would be awesome. Not only did she not offer any help but she kept my brother in laws son almost every weekend. This weekend out of no where she asked to keep the kids. My husband told her it wasn't good timing as he was off this weekend for the first time in months and wanted to spend time with them. She threw a fit again. To me I feel like if you don't make an effort with them, why should I allow you to have them when it suddenly becomes convenient for you to be a grandparent once a year? I have told her many times that as long as she makes no effort with my kids her and I will not have a good relationship but she just doesn't get it. Oh and I forgot to mention that since I wouldn't let my youngest son stay the night when he was a baby she literally doesn't acknowledge him. At all. The last time we went to dinner with them she did not look at him, speak to him, nothing. He's 20 months old. Who takes there anger out on a 20 month old! Please help. I don't know how to deal with her. If it were up to me I'd completely cut her out of our lives. But she is my husbands mother. It's becoming progressively worse and every time I know we're going to have to see her I get high anxiety just thinking about it. Sorry this is so long and thank you to anyone who read this.

[littlesister83]

Being that I do not have any children I don't know how much help I can be. But I will give my opinion on this issue you have and hopefully it will help.

These are your children! You and your husband are the decision makers of how your children are raised, and to me, until they move out of YOUR home they do as you say not someone who has no interest in them what so ever! If they so choose to see a Grandmother that didn't show up for their birthdays or special events that is a decision they can make once they are moved out. But until then you raise your children how you want them to grow up and be. No doubt you want what ever parent wants for their children and that's the best! And the best for your children (in my opinion) is to be without such a negative and self destructive person in their lives. She makes it sound like she has sacrificed a lot for these kids when she probably doesn't even know the color of their eyes, this is not someone you want around your children.

To me it seems like if you were to allow her access to them whenever she deems fit for her, she would sabotage the relationship you now have with your children. And the reason I say that is because she favored your husband's younger brother, I'm not sure if that has always been like this. But for a mother (to what sounds like to me) to not care for a son would not care for any child he has.

Do not stress yourself out when there is a family reunion/event that she would want and actually show up to. Its not worth it, for you, your husband and your children. And your children either already know how she makes you feel or will one day pick up on it, not that that's a bad thing. BUT if you really want your children to have a positive and healthy relationship with their Grandmother then (if you haven't already) sit her down and tell her how it is. You have to "lay down the law" so to speak, and if she can't follow it then its her loss to have had a chance to know wonderful children and pass it up.

As far as the photos on Facebook if you click the arrow that points down next to the home button, then click privacy settings and under control your default privacy you can customize who sees what. So if you want you can even deny her access to something she had no time for in the first place.

I hope that this helped and remember, continue to be strong I know you already are just for tolerating her. But do not let her continue to put a strain on you, your marriage and your family, if you have to cut her out then do not hesitate to do so. This is about your children and what kind of influence you want them exposed to.

[mamaof2boys]

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. As I read this I actually laughed to myself thinking " wow, she probably really doesn't know the color of their eyes"! Yes, I have already talked to her multiple times and nothing changes, or it may for a week or two and that's it. I guess I really needed someone else to hear my story and help me feel less crazy. She seriously makes me feel crazy. And somehow I can still be a sucker for her manipulation because I hate to make anyone upset. But I'm at my wits end. I guess I will just not contact her or invite her to things. If my husband wants to, that's his mom and his decision but I can't waste anymore energy on her. It eats at me!

[ANGIE4124]

I have seriously thought of this for days and on the basis of what you have written my feeling is; in the scheme of things, have there been any death defying situations that your MIL has caused for her to warrant this type of alienation? If so it is not written here in your post, although I totally agree with your stance and principles on crap candy and babysitting. Apart from that, I sense that you and your husband both come from a good family background, with a few adopted family quirks on his side.

After I contemplated my relationship with my MIL whom had 4 boys, plus a Hysterectomy preventing a further attempt for a girl; on the face of your post I started to see how much you and your Mother in law have in common. Don't scream just yet, hear me out. My focus is on that both of you have had boys, and one day you too may have the same anguish as your MIL when it comes time for your boys to have their first baby's with their wives. Those wives would want their Mothers in the delivery room more so than their Mother in law regardless! Thus is the exclusive privilege between Mother and Daughter. Your Mother did not have to through a fit for anything nor carry on with a myriad of ridiculous contradictions on Facebook later on did she? Also you both have an attachment to your youngest child for different reasons.

As I see it, the problem started; quote, it all changed when we had our first son. I believe it's a bonding issue with you as her primary opportunity to connect and reconnect with her son. The fact is as you say; neither one of us were very close to his mom, says it all. Yet a much underestimated need that was perhaps overlooked and or dismissed as having any great value to her, being the Mama, Mother in Law of 2 boys!

Now if you take, in law, out of the word Mother in law; you still have a MOTHER. And perhaps this may not relieve your anxiety nor pardon her on going behaviour, along with your stubbornness I see, I would however hope it gives you a different perspective of understanding her inconsistencies, fears and perhaps rejected feelings.

It's a long way back to correct that point in history, and speculate if being included could have made things different today. However this is family worts and all and with your ability to remain calm and unbiased, your boys will grow to see how a situation of this nature is maturely handled and resolved when they meet difficult people within their family in law circle and so forth. Plus I would still invite her to things as YOU are STRONGER than you think and BETTER than playing those games. By then she may get to know the colour of their eyes. Ha! Better still her eyes will change from green with envy to shades for normal hue.