Check out some similar questions!

lost_am_I · Feb 14, 2007, 12:43 PM

I have been married for over 10 years. Within the past year, I have felt my marriage just go in a direction that I fear. I have noticed that my husband has been very distant, he won’t discuss anything with me, he is very distracted and sex is pretty much non-existent in our marriage. I have expressed my feeling to him for so long, and he says that I am very emotional and I take things to the extreme. He can never help correct a problem, his only words are whatever or OK! I can’t get anything out of him.

He isn’t happy with who I am, so I tried to change for him and my marriage, and now he isn’t happy with that! So I am coming to the realization that he just isn’t happy with me anymore!

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I guess it’s a duck! So he didn’t like the real me, and he can’t deal with the new me, then it’s just me in general he isn’t happy with.

How can someone love me, who isn’t happy with me?

rockytopman2 · Feb 14, 2007, 01:08 PM

Originally Posted by lost_am_I

I have been married for over 10 years. Within the past year, I have felt my marriage just go in a direction that I fear. I have noticed that my husband has been very distant, he won’t discuss anything with me, he is very distracted and sex is pretty much non-existent in our marriage. I have expressed my feeling to him for so long, and he says that I am very emotional and I take things to the extreme. He can never help correct a problem, his only words are whatever or OK! I can’t get anything out of him.

He isn’t happy with who I am, so I tried to change for him and my marriage, and now he isn’t happy with that! So I am coming to the realization that he just isn’t happy with me anymore!

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I guess it’s a duck! So he didn’t like the real me, and he can’t deal with the new me, then it’s just me in general he isn’t happy with.

How can someone love me, who isn’t happy with me?

TO BE TRULY LOVED, YOU MUST FIRST LOVE YOURSELF, DO YOU? JUST A THOUGHT. Are you happy within yourself. Sometimes we expect others to make us happy instead of looking internally. You might call 1-800-DRLAURA. She has a book out dealing with wives treatment of husbands. I have not personally read the book but have heard several testimonies how the information in this book helped revive their marriages. It is worth a try. Good Luck & God Bless. By the way, I am not a professional or an expert at anything. But as I travel in my work I listen to my XM Radio. This is where I became acquainted with the Dr. Laura radio program.

lost_am_I · Feb 14, 2007, 01:24 PM

Thanks for your response! Your questions "Do I love myself?"
I want to say that I did at one point, but I have been torn apart by his comments and complaints that I just can't see past all my shortcoming that he points out! I used to love myself and I know I am a great Mom, however, he belittles people and doesn't really know it. So at this point, I can answer I don't know anymore! I hate myself for not being what he so wants! He has finally broke something inside of me and I don't know if it can be fixed. I am so scared and I don't have anyone to turn to, to talk about this! I just want to ball up and cry, but I have an 8 year old boy who can see right through me! So I am really trying to be strong for him!

jb520 · Feb 15, 2007, 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by lost_am_I

I have been married for over 10 years. Within the past year, I have felt my marriage just go in a direction that I fear. I have noticed that my husband has been very distant, he won’t discuss anything with me, he is very distracted and sex is pretty much non-existent in our marriage. I have expressed my feeling to him for so long, and he says that I am very emotional and I take things to the extreme. He can never help correct a problem, his only words are whatever or OK! I can’t get anything out of him.

He isn’t happy with who I am, so I tried to change for him and my marriage, and now he isn’t happy with that! So I am coming to the realization that he just isn’t happy with me anymore!

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I guess it’s a duck! So he didn’t like the real me, and he can’t deal with the new me, then it’s just me in general he isn’t happy with.

How can someone love me, who isn’t happy with me?

You're right, tell me exactly this. Ell him if you guys don't connect soon, divirce is an option. See how he reacts. Tell him you feel he doesn't really aprreciate you no matter what and is distant. If he remains the same, you should end this marriage. If he slowly changes, then there is hope. Also, get marriage counseling too for both of you. A therapist can help you both sort out the real problem, who knows maybe its HIM.

amour66us · Feb 19, 2007, 05:15 AM

Start changing yourself, ignore him for a while, I mean do your home duties and take care of your son but neglect your husband somehow, take care of your appearance, your shap,your dressing, start to change your routine, go out, meet other people,try to make yourself busy all the time not thinking about him, see how would he react? Try to make him jealous even...

cjcdallas · Feb 19, 2007, 06:18 PM

2 wrongs will never make a right... I would highly suggest that you talk to your husband and explain to him how serious this really is. I do not advocate divorce so I do not believe that is the answer. You do need to discuss it with him and if he refuses to listen then you need to work on you. Do not let your husband make you feel less of a person. You are the same wonderful person he married over 10 years ago and he is too. The difference is that life has happened. People get very wrapped up in work and the day to day stuff and forget the things that make a marriage work. Every once in a while it just needs to be shook up a bit. When was the last time you guys went on a date... ALONE... dinner and a movie, dancing, football game, shopping spree..? The whole thing goes both ways. My wife loves to shop and I love to go with her just to be with her. I love to hunt and play golf and she will go to show support and I love it. We still go on dates and I have 2 boys 13 & 15 and they are a handful. My wife takes them places without me and when it happens I feel left out. It forced me to re-evaluate myself and get with the program or get left out.
I hope that helps..

JoeCanada76 · Feb 19, 2007, 06:23 PM

Maybe it is not about you but himself?

talaniman · Feb 19, 2007, 09:11 PM

I have no clue where the communications went bad, but for now be selfish and do the things that make you happy without him. Drastic I know but it not about making him jealous, but doing the things that make you and your child happy about yourselves Do you work ? I hope so, as it will help if you are not wholly dependent on him, Get a job if you don't have one. The idea is to feel good about yourself and let him take notice. Down the line know that unless you can honestly communicate this relationship will be worthless.

lost_am_I · Feb 20, 2007, 06:48 AM

Thank you all for your support! I did have an all out discussion last night, and let's just say, that all did come out! I don't have that thing in me, where I can hurt him with words, I know how it feels and I just can't do it! But he didn't stop him from calling me a nutjob! And telling me that all of this is because of me! I told him that I am too tired to fight anymore, and that all I want to do is be done with this. I have always been a fighter and for me to give up, I know there is something broken inside of me, because I don't want to fight for this. I just can't. He said that we can't afford therapy. I told him, the way we fight over everything, we can't do it without therapy! So what else can I do, I am tired of hearing over and over again, that I am the reason for this, I am the one!

Thank you all for hearing me out, I can't go to anyone with this... Not my family, because they just throw it back in your face. Friends, can't say that I have anyone I can trust! So I appreciate you taking the time to read my posts!

RubyPitbull · Feb 20, 2007, 07:23 AM

Lost, check your local telephone directory. Usually in the front, there is a listing for Family Support Services. If you can't find it, call your local Chamber of Commerce to find out what family services are available in your area.

These groups usually offer low cost counseling. It is done on a sliding scale depending on your income. You need to set up an appointment for yourself. You need someone who is objective to help you think things through and figure out what you want out of this marriage. They may eventually tell you to bring your husband in for a couples session. They will mediate the discussion so it does not break down into a fight.

You are obviously very depressed and you need some help with this problem. Please think about what I am suggesting and then make the call. It may take a few sessions, but you will be glad you did. They will help you get your thoughts straight and guide you on what you need to do for yourself, and how to verbalize your concerns with you husband with a more positive outcome.

Good Luck!

misslady111 · Feb 21, 2007, 12:26 PM

Doesn't sound like he is really interested inputting forth the effort to make the marriage work. You can't do it by yourself. A marriage takes two willing partners to agree that they love each other and want to get help. Iwould not suggest stooping to his level but I would suggest do do things esteemable to take care of yourself. You may need to separate just to find out if you really want to be with someone that treats you unlovingly. I will pray for you. I am in the same situation somewhat but I separated from my husband but he thinks it's a joke.

lost_am_I · Feb 21, 2007, 12:41 PM

MissLady,
What I am really working on right now, is trying to figure out what I want to do, with all this, I lost what I really feel and that scares the life right out of me. Before I can talk to him about anything, I need to realize what my needs are, because, with hearing his every comment about my faults, it just blurs it. So yes, I will figure out first and then seek the necessary counsel for this. Sorry to hear you are in the same situation, Thanks for your prayers and you will also be in mine.

cjcdallas · Feb 22, 2007, 02:11 PM

Originally Posted by lost_am_I

Thank you all for your support! I did have an all out discussion last night, and let's just say, that all did come out! I don't have that thing in me, where I can hurt him with words, I know how it feels and I just can't do it! But he didn't stop him from calling me a nutjob! and telling me that all of this is because of me! I told him that I am too tired to fight anymore, and that all I want to do is be done with this. I have always been a fighter and for me to give up, I know there is something broken inside of me, because I don't want to fight for this. I just can't. He said that we can't afford therapy. I told him, the way we fight over everything, we can't do it without therapy! So what else can I do, I am tired of hearing over and over again, that I am the reason for this, I am the one!

Thank you all for hearing me out, I can't go to anyone with this... Not my family, because they just throw it back in your face. Friends, can't say that I have anyone I can trust! So I appreciate you taking the time to read my posts!

Most church counselors I have spoken with do not charge for their services and in some instances depending on your situation your insurance may cover it. One thing is for certain, if you do not ask you will never know. Him saying you are a nutjob is just a defensive mechanism that most guys use to lash out when they, 1. Do not know what the problem is 2. Refuse to believe they are any part of the problem 3. Can not think of anything intelligent to put out that will help with either 1 or 2...
I would sincerely encourage you to look for assistance, pray and pray hard and DO NOT GIVE UP... You are worth the effort and so is he.

MNNEPAL27 · Mar 19, 2007, 12:31 PM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Maybe it is not about you but himself?

Agree: I have to agree with this. I believe this could be it.

sweeterthenu84 · Mar 19, 2007, 07:49 PM

Originally Posted by lost_am_I

I have been married for over 10 years. Within the past year, I have felt my marriage just go in a direction that I fear. I have noticed that my husband has been very distant, he won’t discuss anything with me, he is very distracted and sex is pretty much non-existent in our marriage. I have expressed my feeling to him for so long, and he says that I am very emotional and I take things to the extreme. He can never help correct a problem, his only words are whatever or OK! I can’t get anything out of him.

He isn’t happy with who I am, so I tried to change for him and my marriage, and now he isn’t happy with that! So I am coming to the realization that he just isn’t happy with me anymore!

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I guess it’s a duck! So he didn’t like the real me, and he can’t deal with the new me, then it’s just me in general he isn’t happy with.

How can someone love me, who isn’t happy with me?

Hey hun, I've been there before and there now.lol my hubby of 5 years togather for 8 says he loves me but don't want to be with me? I just don't get it if you love me then you would want to be with me? He is very confusing.. that is why I came to hear for advise.. but if I was you ask him why he wanted to marry u?why would he say those vales if it didn't mean anything?and if he says things changed ask him what or how? U need to really lay into him with questions.. well goodluck