[kyle26]

Two months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years and after 2 months of complete silence, we just started talking again. Here's the story... SORRY it is SOO LONG!

I started dating an incredible woman in high school which turned into a wonderful 6 year long term relationship. I was her first intimate lover and she was mine and we shared much of or adolescent lives together along with countless unforgettable memories. Well, during this 6 year relationship, we fell into a pattern and spent almost all of our time together. I always tried to balance the relationship by having her be my main focus, friends/family second, and hobby's/ me time third. The problem was that during this 6 year relationship, she lost touch with the few friends she had, and she gave up her passion for music all together because she was catering her life to me, even though I did not want this. I encouraged her to go out with friends and find hobby's because I would always feel guilty that she was waiting on me while I was enjoying "me time" in the woods as an avid outdoors man. To make a long story short, after 6 years we basically suffocated each other and we did not find a healthy balance that worked for us.

One day, she woke up and decided that she has no friends and no hobbies and she needed time to "find herself" and who she really is and what she wants in life. I love this girl so much that I encouraged the break up so she could go out and find herself and find friends and rekindle her passion for music and simply be happy. We ended our relationship on a respectful/ mature note and both agreed that we could still be friends. After breaking up we did not communicate at all until the other day ( 2 months later) when she called to say thank you for a Christmas card I had sent her family (as nothing more than a nice gesture). This "thank you" conversation turned into a much longer conversation and ended up with me inviting her out for a drink.

Later that night, we met up for drinks and during this outing, we ended up agreeing that we both missed each other everyday and both still love each other deeply and we ended up kissing and spent a night together like we picked up where we left off (and we were not even drunk). However, the next day she says that she is not ready to be in a relationship because she has not found herself yet she fears that nothing will change if we do get back together and we will fall into the same pattern of suffocating each other. The truth is that during this two month absence/ break up, I realized I love this woman more than I thought, and I took a hard look back at why our relationship did not work and I now realize exactly what changes would need to be made the second time around to make for a healthy, lasting relationship.

When I explained to her that in order to make it work we would have to avoid the unhealthy patterns that separated us the first time. I explained that we would need to find a balance where we had time together as a couple- where it was just the two of us, and time when we went out together as a couple with mutual friends, as well as time to out as individuals with our own friends and lastly, time to ourselves to pursue hobbies/personal interests. After hearing this, she fully agreed, but said she doesn't want to jump into a relationship again- she still needs to "find herself". She says she loves me and really misses me but she is very confused about who she is and what she wants. I feel like we are soul mates, she and I randomly met in high school when she moved into town from across the country.

Come to find out, her mom was my nanny when we were 3 years old. We don't consciously remember this, but we used to play together and even have pictures of us taking baths together at 2 years old! I told her that I respect her decision to take more time, but I also told her that I want us to work out more than anything and told her that I know if we could do it over again we would make drastic changes to make it work. I even tried to tell her that she could find herself while we where together since we would not be suffocating each other and she could go out with friends and rekindle her passion for music. I planted the seed that I want to get back together and she knows I am willing to make changes so that it would work, but she is still afraid we will fall into the same patterns (even though I refuse to). She says she is depressed without me and loves me/ misses me but she is confused.

This is a woman I could easily spend the rest of my life with, she has every quality I could ask for in a woman, and I don't want to lose her and live with question of what could have been. One more chance is all I'm looking for. I can see it so clearly now and know how we could make it work. If it doesn't work then oh well, at least we tried and we can move on, but there is much to gain if it does work out (and I strongly believe it would with the right changes). I have never been in this situation before and I am simply looking for advice on what to do. And if anybody has ever been in this situation, does the women usually come back when they feel this way?

Any help is appreciated. Thank you very much!

[simple312]

Very sad story indeed, sorry you have broke up for now. I have no idea what she's means by wanting to 'find herself', then says she misses you. Very confusing.. all you can do is do what you already did and plant the seed you want her back for good. If you love each other, what's stopping her?

p.s

Can you please answer my question, its about my girlfriends lies on top of relationships page

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...do-623384.html

Thanks

[kyle26]

We are both young, I'm 23 and she's 22 and her familiy is telling her to go out and date and party to get over the relationship, but she told me she is not interested in dating other people. In our conversations she says before we work on "us" as a couple, she needs to get herself together and make friends and have fun... my new take on this entire relationship is that she can do all these things while we are together since we would resturcture and balance the relationship. I know she still loves me but I can't figure out why she won't get back together with me and give it another try. She called me last night just to talk on the phone with me because she misses me, but at the same time I feel like she gets sad when we talk because it reminds her of what we had. I expalained to her that I will leave the next move up to her. I said I don't plan on calling her sice she becomes sad when we talk, and I don't want to put her in that situation if she is indeed trying to heal herself. I told her when/if she is ready to talk or get together in person I will be hear for her... I just don't know if I am holding on to false hope and should move on, or if we might get back together in a few weeks/months?? VERY CONFUSING!

[vanheart]

The only problem I see is that you keep getting with her, sleeping together.

She doesn't want you as a boyfriend, No matter how hard you try & sympathy screws.
Stop pressuring her.

How about getting on with things. A life without this girl. New things, New flames.

That's what she wants to do. She wants new things. Not the past.

I suggest the same for you.

Try not talking to her for a few months, or for good.
See how that goes.

Text, FB, everything.

[Fr_Chuck]

I don't see any more chances, not for a real relationship

[kyle26]

We don't keep getting together, I recently saw her for the first time in the last two months since we have been broken up. During this time she came back to my house and we slept in the same bed like a couple, but we were not intimate during this sleep-over... this is where the confusion lies. I think maybe I should move on. Like I said, I let her know that I want to be with her, but whether she wants to be with me is up to her. As much as I want her back, I feel that I need to move on and experience life... and maybe I can find someone else who makes me feel the way that she did! In the meantime I will plan to cut off all ties of communication and wait for her to make the first move ( IF she decides to). Any other suggestions on how I should handle this situation?

[vanheart]

Nope. You have it exactly right.

NC. All the way. That means no texts, responding. FB, calls, everything. A real commitment. To you.

But one thing, in the meantime, don't try & find someone that makes you feel like she did.

She has made you feel like crap.

You wouldn't want that again.

[kyle26]

I will do my best to commit to the NC, but if she starts texting me or if the caller ID on my phone shows her name, do I respond then and pick up the call? How much time of NC? I know this girl very well, and we have always been on friendly terms with one another even through the break up and today. I'm not going to call or text her, but if she makes the first move of communication, I don't want her to think I'm being rude by not responding to her if she calls or texts, etc. I even told her that I would wait for her to make the first move if she wanted to get back together. You think if I ignore her altogether it will make her want to get back together in the long run or push her away and want to move on. This girl is definetally a keeper and the awesome times we did have together make up for the feeling like crap and I would honestly still like to make it work with her if given the chance. Like I said, I have never been in this situation before and am confused, but I do appreciate all the help so far! Thanks

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule - When you get dumped, disappear from their lives, and do your own thing, and let them do theirs.

In this way you both can start the healing process without the false hope of staying in contact. She wants to explore her world and find herself, let her, but why should you be her friend, and emotional tampon? You cannot heal, and move on that way, yet you will be available when she is bored, lonely, or just needs some sex (not to often though), as she weans herself off her attachment to you.

She is healing and looking for better options and you still make her a priority, and that's not going to work. NC, and be to busy and unavailable for her needs.

Disappear.

[amicon]

Talaniman is right,you disappear.

NC is for you to heal and that means you ignore all attempts at communication.

You do that so that you can heal and start to move on.

Let her live her life while you go live yours.

It's tough-breakups are tough,but you will heal eventually.

NC will keep you focused on YOU.

Take care,