[cusflsc]

Hi everone,

I just found this web site and looks like there a lot of good opinions and advice on relationshsips - so here goes...

Ive been in a relationship for several years and haven't always felt that enthusiastic about it, however she is a really good girl and good friend, the physical chemistry has been good, many times the platonic chemistry just feels all wrong and I find myself just wanting to be single and free. I have kept feeling like a break is needed (really for me to be able to think and be able to figure out if I want it.. ) and these keep turning into a week or two, we get together to talk, things turn pysical and then she just thinks we are back together. She makes me feel extremenly guilty about the whole situation until we drift into complancency only for me to eventually feel the same way again - feeling like I need space. And she just grasps me tighter until I can't handle it and we go through it all again. Being apart from her so far was really never that hard for me, the hardest part was telling her the way I felt and having to do it over and over again. She has never trusted me and is very possessive and controlling I should add which isn't helping anything and I feel like its just too much - she's been like that for too long and she is working on it but I am faithful to her - she makes me feel like I am doing things wrong even when I know I am not. Searches through my things looking for evidence - makes me feel like a criminal.

I have grown very tired of going in these circles, its happened so many times I finally agreed to seeing a reltionship counselor in hopes of stopping it one way or another. Have seen him once already and it helped me some - but I still feel like a break needs to happen - but she just can't go along with it - and If I don't return her calls etc she just stops by my house and its very hard for me to resist her. Sometimes I think about us being together in the long run but most of the time I just want my freedom.

I don't have any kids yet but she does - part of me thinks she would be better with someone else more similar in that regard. I feel it does cause some of the problems we've been having.

I feel stuck in an unhealthy and perhaps stagnant relationship - should I just move on or be with someone Im not sure about - keep going to conselling or insists on taking the break IVe been trying for. I know many people would say a break is the easy way out but I just feel like we can't go anywhere without it - does that mean its all wrong?

[kaitou]

I think a break would be good for you. You sound very confuse, and I think a break can help you figure out what you're confuse about.

If you have a break from her you'll either realize
(a) She really wasn't right for you
(b) You really need her

And if she respect you, love you, and have faith in you, she would trust that you would return and should give you the space you deserve. And I think a break can either strengthen a relationship, or make one see that it should end.

Either way you'll definitely learn something from a break.

[talaniman]

So I take it your playing house and now things are stagnant. Either your communication skills aren't very good or your trapped. To take a break would only start that cycle again and with everyone depending on you ,sir you had better go fishing and make up your mind what it is you want. If she make you uncomfortable tell her what it is. You do not have the luxury of bouncing in and out of peoples lives whenever you please, as there is more involved than just you two. My advice is express yourselves, agree on boundaries and stick to it or either leave and stay gone. I understand getting your head together but the impression you give her children makes this a situation where they should be considered. Up to you to find out what you want my friend. I'm not saying stay for them and be miserable, but do communicate a lot better as I don't think that's been the case.

[cusflsc]

I think a break would be good for you. You sound very confuse, and i think a break can help you figure out what you're confuse about.

If you have a break from her you'll either realize
(a) She really wasn't right for you
(b) You really need her

And if she respect you, love you, and have faith in you, she would trust that you would return and should give you the space you deserve. And i think a break can either strengthen a relationship, or make one see that it should end.

Either way you'll definitely learn something from a break.

__________________________________________________ _______________________
I know I am confused - the times things seem to be clear is when I do get some space but that never really lasts very long. I think the realization coming from a break may be the only way to actually move forward if that's what we are to do. I know she is afraid of losing me and that's why she always thinks the break is a bad idea so I don't know about the faith - she definitely loves me for who I am and respects me - and I know that isn't something to just throw away. SHe makes me feel like I am in fact doing that when I bring up the break thing - If its really right though it will work out - Thanks for the advice kaitou...

[cusflsc]

So I take it your playing house and now things are stagnant. Either your communication skills aren't very good or your trapped. To take a break would only start that cycle again and with everyone depending on you ,sir you had better go fishing and make up your mind what it is you want. If she make you uncomfortable tell her what it is. You do not have the luxury of bouncing in and out of peoples lives whenever you please, as there is more involved than just you two. My advice is express your selves, agree on boundaries and stick to it or either leave and stay gone. I understand getting your head together but the impression you give her children makes this a situation where they should be considered. Up to you to find out what you want my friend. I'm not saying stay for them and be miserable, but do communicate a lot better as I don't think thats been the case.

talaniman - thanks for your feedback - I'll admit I am not the best communicator but I have struggled to tell her the way I feel a number of times, and its difficult to see her hurt - I know I really care about her - but being ready and able for what she needs may be another story. When we do communicate it seems she hears me but later forgets everything and pretends like nothing is wrong which actually makes me feel a little resentful. I have felt in the past that I did make up my mind to go but different things keep bringing us back together and its not always something Ive wanted to do - it just seemed to happen. I need to make up my mind I know - I just don't know how to go about it - I feel the conelling may help with this . I she is right for me should I know it and be certain? Should I always want to be with her and not need space to be on my own? I have never been in a relationship where we keep breaking/getting back nor have I dated a woman with children. I know I need to think about them and I do I just want to do what's right for everyone long term myself included.

- Gone fishin

[Dani171986]

Hi cusflsc
Reading your situation its helped me deal with mine. That's the kind of reason my ex gave me. I thought it was just some kind of excuse rater than telling me the truth. I didn't think you could care for someone (think they were decent people), but not want to be with them. Obviously I was wrong. You've tried for ages to end it with this girl though. You can't let the guilt take over. Be firm and make sure she knows that its over. It will hurt her, but it will be better for her in the end. It may have to come to you just ingoring her once its ended so she gets the point. Being nice about its going to give her hope that your going to stick around.

[rol]

<<If she is right for me should I know it and be certain? Should I always want to be with her and not need space to be on my own>>

Not necessarily...
You should understand your need for space. This mad head over heels, crazy in love stuff isn't something that can be sustained constantly at high intensity for the long term. You have limits. You need time with her that is intimate, and also time apart and space. Have you allowed for that natural need for space in your relationship so far? If not this could be one reason why you feel this indifference at times. It is your heart's way of saying "I need space here." It's as if you feel you have to break up if your every moment isn't filled with passion and romance. Are you being realistic in your expectations?

Be firm with her and take the time to do things by yourself. No relationship should become an "us"

Also I could recommend that you buy the book men are from mars on a date, it explains all this and especially a mans need for space and to rubberband.

[cusflsc]

You know it was easier in the past to free myself of the relationship, now she has changed at least it would appear - has lost the jealous possessiveness. She has looked into many ways of trying to improve and I can see it has helped - will it stick nobody knows. Now V day is here - Whoa. Thanks all for the advice. I feel better, not really less confused yet.

[rol]

Good for you , keep communicating with her about what you BOTH need and like and dislike, this is one of the keys in any relationship.