[huldra33]

Hey :) I'll try to keep this short but I feel like I can't talk to anyone and I just need someone to tell me what's going on because I'm so confused.

So about four years ago I broke up with my ex and we had been together for about 2 years. He was my first everything and we were really crazy in love and I really thought that we would be together forever and get married and you know how it is. Then I had to move about 6 hours away from him because my dad got sick and I had to stay with my dad for as long as it took for him to get better. After about 4 months my ex ended the relationship on my birthday (which I'm still bitter about) he said that not being with me was upsetting him and making him depressed again (he used to really struggle with depression) and he thought it would be better if we just broke up so that he could try to fix himself. This of course crushed me and I did self destructive things that I wish with all my heart I never did but I was so broken and angry at myself and at him that I didn't think clearly.

After about a year I still wasn't over him and I tried to send him gifts and I tried to call him with the hopes that I would win him back and he said that he still loved me and that "one day he knew we would be together again blah blah". I then decided to try to move on because I was sick of sitting around like an idiot waiting for him to decide he needed me back and got a new boyfriend. This new boyfriend had serious alcohol problems and used to abuse me, he never hit me but he would slam me into walls and one time he tried to choke me when he got drunk. I let him treat me this way and I don't know why. I always told my friend that I knew that I would never love my new boyfriend like I used to love my ex but I still tried to make it work with my new boyfriend. I still kept in contact with my ex and after about three years I, for the first time, felt like I wasn't still in love with my ex anymore, I could talk to him and find his 'games' almost pathetic, by games I mean the way he would always tell me he loved me and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him etc.

So since the first time I felt actually free from my ex its been about a year and I'm still with my new boyfriend who has actually stopped drinking now and we are really good, but I don't love him the way I loved my ex.

So then I talked to my ex about a month ago and I told him for the FIRST time that I was finally over him and that I asked him to please stop telling me that he thought we were soulmates and that he loved me because there was no point anymore, I was happy without him finally. Then two days ago my ex contacted me again and we started talking like friends and I noticed that he was acting like the first time I met him, really charming and amazing like he used to be and we ended up talking for five hours straight, we just clicked and it was just like when we were together. That night I couldn't sleep because all I was thinking of was him and now all I think of is him, I can't believe that I have feelings for him again and that I am letting him manipulate me like this because that's what I think he's doing, he knows me so well its almost scary and he has told me before that he used to love to play with peoples minds and I noticed that he did it a lot while we were together. Now that I finally told him I was over him (which I obviously was not since I'm suddenly falling for him again) he stepped up his game so that I would have feelings for him again. I don't know why he does this because he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend and I can't help my feelings and I feel really guilty. I sent my ex an email today telling him that I don't want think it's a good idea that we talk anymore but ahh I'm so confused I'm going out of my mind.. Anyone just give me some advice please? I would really appreciate it!

Thanks :) It didn't turn out short after all haha :p

[talaniman]

Your confusion will end eventually if you stick to your decision not to talk to him any more.

Don't second guess yourself.

[LuckyChucky13]

Huldra,

The best advice I can give you is this: Listen to your intuition. YOU know what's best for you, even though you feel confused. When we ask for advice, we usually know EXACTLY what we want, but want others to justify our decisions and answer questions we already know the answers to. Let me say this: I don't know your ex and it's not fair of me to judge him. However, actions do speak louder than words, and in the four years since he's split with you he never once was his old self until you finally told him you're over him. It's a funny (and selfish) thing about most human beings; when we realise someone's moving on and is actually living a happy life without us, we want to lure them back in and keep them there so feed our ego.

Your confusion is more so because you haven't met the person who will love you like you ought to be loved and treat you like you ought to be treated, not because your ex was the most amazing person for you. You said it yourself, he liked to play with people's minds and you noticed him doing it a lot while you were dating. Is this what you want? And if he does come back into your life, how can you trust that he's not going to start playing with your mind again at any moment?

There are two things you said that show me you know what you want, but are afraid if you're making the right decision: 1) You've kept in touch with him over the years and he keeps mentioning that you're his 'soulmate' and that 'you're the best thing that's happened to him'... so I ask you this: If he truly thinks this, why is he not fighting for you with all his might and with all he has within him? Why is he not fighting to get back to you and is dying to live the rest of his life with you? Why is he still with his girlfriend if he's so 'in love' with you? Is that fair for her? He needs to let her go.
2) You sent him an e-mail telling him it's not a good idea for you two to talk anymore. I'm willing to bet that a part of you sent it to see if he will reply by begging you not to go away or to at least see some sort of a reaction from him that he truly has those feelings for you that he says he does. I'm not saying that a part of you isn't truly trying to move on, but there's a battle within you trying to figure out what your true feelings are and what are just an illusion of what once was.

No matter what I or anyone else says, you will end up doing what you feel is best for you at that moment, so here's my two cents: Before you do anything (in action or reaction), take a few moments to yourself, all alone, and think of the long term. Think of where each decision you make might lead in the future and ask yourself if that is what you want. Whether the decisions you make will work out for you and make you happy or not will only be made clear with time, but don't regret anything. Learn from it and apply it next time you're in a similar situation. Making a mistake once is just that, a mistake, making it twice, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice. I hope you make the right decision.

[huldra33]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it a lot and you are completely spot on. Thank you for taking the time to answer, I really needed someone's viewpoint on this :) God Bless