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KDW82 · Dec 5, 2011, 08:53 AM

I have been in a 11 year relationship with my girlfriend. I know it had its ups and downs but what relationship don't. She cheated on me early in with a girl and I forgave her. Then 3 years ago I caught her cheating again with a woman and broke up. We got back together a month later and tried to reconcile. A few weeks ago I found messages of her flirting with a man she called her friend on the web. I got angry and told her I didn't want to be with her. She said that we need to put everything on the table so we can finally be together for good. So I Agreed.

The next day she told me she was in a relationship with a woman since our last break up and was having sex with her. She told me that she went anal with her too.Naturally this tore me down to my knees. After a week of talking and mixed feeling, I feel like I gave in again and said we can try to work through this. I even said I will marry her if this works. She said she would break it off with the woman but ended up spending the night at her house. She still tries to tell me she did nothing the whole time she was there. She also said that the reason she didn't call all that night and up to 6pm the next day was because her phone died.

Now I know in my mind that I need to go but my heart won't let me. She try to convince me that her cheating ways are over and that she is ready to be my wife. I have yet to make up my mind when we tried to have sex again. 2 weeks after she said she has first had sex with the girl and 2 days after spending the night I see a cut between her anus and vagina that looked fresh from anal sex. She must have knew I have seen it cause she said I just stood still for 10 seconds and that I went limp instantly. She is trying to explain that those cuts don't heal quick and that they take time to heal but she never complain about her butt hurting until after I started having sex with her. So in my mind I think she cheated that day she spent the night.

She swears on everything she did nothing with the girl that night and that she wants me and only me for the rest of her life. My trust is low but once again my heart is battling me.

Do I trust her knowing she has cheated in the past? How do I let go if I can't stop thinking about it? How do I get my heart to leave her alone after 11 years? Could myself esteem be keeping me here since I feel that I am maybe average and that I think she is gorgeous and may never get someone to love again?

I need help to resolve this and I can't do this on my own. I can't ask my friends cause they will tell me to leave quickly and I need an unbiased non judgmental person to explain what is wrong with me and what can I do. I think I am strong enough to forgive but does this make me weak?

Fr_Chuck · Dec 5, 2011, 09:12 AM

Did you all discuss why she cheated and have you addressed those issues. What has she done to decide to stay true except get caught. Have you both considered counseling.

KDW82 · Dec 5, 2011, 09:21 AM

We discussed counseling. She said that she always liked girls and that they were friends first and the sex didn't start until after 6 months of knowing her. Besides telling me she would stay faithful nothing else really has happen yet. I am unemployed and don't have the resources of friends and family around to go somewhere and try the NC rule. I am still sleeping here until either I save money to leave or we resolve this. I also had thoughts that this woman she says she cheated with was a guy but as usual she swears up and down she don't like guys like that, she likes girls more. But she tell me she loves me and I am a guy.

talaniman · Dec 5, 2011, 05:35 PM

You are stuck, and helpless which only hurts your own self esteem. All of these things together not only clouds your judgement, but distracts you from making a good decision for yourself.

Would you leave if you could? Probably, if only for a while. So as I see it, your focus should be to be independent, and stand on your own two feet, and not be dependent on the grace of a bi sexual cheating partner.

That she doesn't feel bad about cheating with a female, but says she won't with a male is par for the course of bi sexual females that prefer other females. Its still cheating because you are not okay with it, but you cannot leave.

Counseling for the broken trust in the relationship is a good idea, but being more independently stable would be better. Then you could be more in charge of your own destiny, without her influence. Great to have options that independence can provide. Sucks when you aren't independent, makes you feel insecure, and helpless, and powerless. That sucks.

LuckyChucky13 · Dec 8, 2011, 02:08 AM

Buddy, the old 'my phone died' trick has worn out and is not to be believed. She made the conscious decision to stay the night at that girl's house, without taking your feelings into consideration. She knows how you feel about her and is taking advantage of that. She obviously takes you for granted. Cheating is cheating, I don't care who it's with. Trust and loyalty should be number 1 and 2 on anyone's list of priorities when it comes to choosing a life-long partner. She does not appreciate your relationship the way you do, and it is only going to get worse. Her attraction to other women (assuming that that's all it is, and there is no other man involved) will not go away overnight. All the counselling in the world will not make her become loyal and trustworthy. She has to learn to be respectful of your feelings and of her relationship with you, because she has shown that that is not the case. Until then, you cannot be happy with her.

You asked 'Do I trust her knowing she cheated in the past' ? We both know that was a rhetorical question... you already know the answer but were hoping to hear it from other people.. so here it is: NO! Once the trust is gone, it is extremely hard to get back. I am not saying it's impossible, but it will take a very long time, and a lot of effort on her part to win your trust back and for her to get her s**t together. Being attracted to another woman is not wrong, but being attracted to another woman and having sex with her when you have a boyfriend of 11 YEARS is absolutely unacceptable. She needs to know that and you need to put your foot down. Do it now.

p.s. she may be gorgeous in your eyes, because you love her, but she's ugly on the inside, and that's where it should really matter. Outside beauty will last for so long, inner beauty will give you long-lasting piece of mind. I hope you find it.