[AKaeTrue]

Lately I've been having "thinking" issues. I've been thinking way too much about nonsense... Stuff from the past that aren't the best of memories that were supposedly dealt with and buried. But mostly about conversations with people that I have had recently that's disturbing me the most - what I said, how I said it, how stupid or off the wall I sounded... Then I'll roll-play in my mind the conversations with what I should have said, could have said, etc... I feel weird - like I have to change it or something... I know that no amount of "roll-playing" is going to change it and I've been trying really hard to make it stop, but I keep catching myself doing it. It's like I can't make it stop. Also, lately I've been having to tell and remind myself not to talk too much so that I don't make a fool of myself because most of what I'm saying that's so embarrassing to me is just loud and goofy stuff which isn't me, but I can't seem to keep my mouth shut...
This is really affecting me. Yesterday I was asked to speak at a motivational group meeting which I've done several times in the past, but I turned it down... I feel like I'm changing and it doesn't feel good...

[valinors_sorrow]

It sounds like you are going through a period of enlightenment Akae. I know these well having done layers of them. The first one was hairy, but they get easier. LOL What is waiting for you on the other side of this is outright wonderful and well worth how awkward and out of sort you feel to yourself just now. This too shall pass! LOL

In order to change we must, in some regards, tear up our maps, abandon our familiar ways of operation and it takes courage to do this. But the phoenix rises from the ashes a new and improved Akae or Val. This is one of several ways enlightened people get so comfortable in their skin. The price life exacts of us for peace of mind is courage for exactly what you are experiencing now. Hang in there and just "watch the movie" if you can. Try not to resist or direct. Let loose with the thinking and watch what comes up as non judgementally as you can. The truth is we are never really over anything in life but rather we heal each one by percentages, never reaching 100%. When something happens like it, we revisit it-- consciously or subconsciously or even both! Its okay to respond to how vulnerable you feel and be a little more private just now. You have apparently found a long lost voice in you -- listen to what its saying since there are some great clues there. Some terrific things are happening to you -- I honestly believe that. You must be ready or your subconscious wouldn't have arranged for it now or allowed something to trigger it -- please trust that too.

The only thing consistent in life is change!
And I have never seen one of these kinds of changes result in anything bad and I rarely say words like never. They usually result in a big epiphany. Let's see on this one, okay?

[Allheart]

Kae,

Forgive me, I don't have the answers. But Val sure does above, such incredibly wise and insightful words Val.

Kae, I am just intruding on this thread, to let you know, that just in the short time we have interacted, you have made me smile, and all of your special caring qualities just beam through. So I guess this is more of a hug and to let you know, your kindness has touched me. Sorry these are not answers, but I wanted to share them anyway.

Val - you are so amazing. I am in awe of you as a person and all of that incredible wisdom that you possess.

When I speak, I honestly do speak from the heart.

Sorry again for the lack of answers. Just felt compelled to share Kae, how you have touched me.

Love,

Allheart

[AKaeTrue]

Thank you Val and Allheart for the wise and kind words.
I actually do have a lot of life changes taking place at the present time (some very unexpected ones and some planned ones) and I guess I'm lacking the courage it takes to get through it all with a level head.
My family will be making a 1,200 mile move this coming summer. Every aspect of this move is already in progress. I feel like there's a billion things happening around me, I get this nervous feeling and then turn into this goofy woman when I'm speaking to people - it's quite embarrassing... It's then when I really start making a fool of myself...
I have already left my job (which use to take up a lot of my new "senseless thinking" time LOL). It seems now that when I have a lot to do, my mind is somewhere else and when I have nothing to do I ponder over everything I said wrong while my mind was somewhere else... Does that make any sense?
Thanks once again to the both of you. I'm really glad I found this group especially for times like this. It's too bad that shedding layers has to be so painstakingly difficult... but I guess it's like Val said, it's necessary in order to once again feel comfortable.
Kae

[valinors_sorrow]

Screw the level head part! LOL For those of us who are very connected to our environments, moving is a traumatic event! I know, I am one of them. So its going to be unnerving, even discomboobulating, and especially exhausting. Make accommodations for that upfront and it may go easier. Also add as much structure as you can to this process. Get organized any way you can. Schedule your days, even if its artificuially seeming, so you counteract a bit more of that "orbiting in space" feeling.

I used to give friends like you (and me) a premature house warming gift. It was a small framed drawing I did of a colorful dot about the size of a ping pong ball with words along these lines written under it. "This is YOUR spot, it is rightfully yours and uniquely yours and no one else in the univers will even fit this spot. It goes wherever you go so there is nothing to keep or lose or give away or protect. It is your spot. Enjoy!" I understand they kept it propped up while packing and some versions of it now hang in friends' new homes. LOL

I always remind myself about how much I HATE packing up but I LOVE the unpacking and then have myself a good chuckle over that, too.

PS - If you are that connected, be prepared for some big screen technicolor dreams in your new house too. Dr. Jizzle and I both experienced those.

[AKaeTrue]

Val, I really love your "colorful dot" idea - it's brilliant! I think you've just inspired me to paint up my own "spot" in the universe.
Kae

[AKaeTrue]

I just want to thank both Val and Allheart for helping me jump back on track!
I needed that bit of support to help change my thinking pattern back to where I want it to be - I'm feeling much better...
Thanks a million and more!
Kae

[shygrneyzs]

Just to throw in my two cents - make sure you are totally healthy. Sometimes that thought process of guessing ourselves, repeating history, worrying about what we said, what we think we should have said, is an indicator of stress. Which, is all normal by the way. We all have those times and will continue to have those times. Take care of all your needs.

I leave you with this poem by Jayne Relaford Brown:

FINDING HER HERE

I am becoming the woman I've wanted,
Grey at the temples,
Soft body, delighted,
Cracked up by life
With a laugh that's known bitter,
But, past it, got better,
Knows she's a survivor—
That whatever comes,
She can outlast it.
I am becoming a deep
Weathered basket.


I am becoming the woman I've longed for,
The motherly lover
With arms strong and tender,
The growing-up daughter
Who blushes surprises.
I am becoming full moons
And sunrises.


I find her becoming,
This woman I've wanted,
Who knows she'll encompass,
Who knows she's sufficient,
Knows where she's going
And travels with passion.
Who remembers she's precious,
Yet not at all scarce—
Who knows she is plenty,
Plenty to share.


Blessings on your life's journey.

[Yagita]

Just watched this.

:: www.InspiredLifeDesign.com ::

Amazing!

AKaeTrue,

I agree with all the above you are simply experiencing some personal and perhaps spiritual growth - nothing to worry about, just hang in there.

[Allheart]

Just watched this.

:: www.InspiredLifeDesign.com ::

Amazing!

AKaeTrue,

I agree with all the above you are simply experiencing some personal and perhaps spiritual growth - nothing to worry about, just hang in there.

Oh Yagita,

This video is so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.

[AKaeTrue]

Shygrneyzs and Yagita, thank you for sharing the lovely poem and video.
Actually, I am under a lot of stress. I guess I should probably mention also that for one year now, I've stopped taking antidepressants and mood stabilizers in exchange for organic fresh foods, herbs, vitamins, and positive thinking... Unfortunately stress is a big butt kicker for me and I struggle to stay positive, clear headed, and all that good stuff.
When stress and negative thinking start happening, it's hard for me to see the bigger picture.
I am in fact going through everything mentioned (personal/spiritual growth,shedding layers,a new me, stress), and all the responses I've received were great reminders of what I'm trying to do, the person I'm becoming (a happy person), and has gotten me back to where I needed to be. Thanks for letting me spill it all out to all of you (lol) (probably won't be the last... hehe)
Thanks again to all of you,
Kae
Oh, and BTW, I offered to do the speech for the next group meeting since I didn't do the last one...

[valinors_sorrow]

Akae, your last post reminds me of a thing my wise friend Wendy once said about how its just plain necessary once in a while to have a total nervous breakdown in order to become the new and improved Wendy. I let go of a hundred pounds of tension that day as we laughed ourselves silly over that one, complete with various squealing appeals along the lines of "don't you DARE interrupt my coming unglued just now, its such a good one! LOLOLOLOL

So you are to feel free to unwind that spool as far as you like, sweetie! Who knows, next turn may be mine. Ha ha ha haaa

[AKaeTrue]

Akae, your last post reminds me of a thing my wise friend Wendy once said about how its just plain necessary once in a while to have a total nervous breakdown in order to become the new and improved Wendy. I let go of a hundred pounds of tension that day as we laughed ourselves silly over that one, complete with various squealing appeals along the lines of "don't you DARE interrupt my coming unglued just now, its such a good one!! LOLOLOLOL

So you are to feel free to unwind that spool as far as you like, sweetie! Who knows, next turn may be mine. Ha ha ha haaa

LOL!! I love it!! That is indeed a good one!!
Your great, Val! And if you have a AMHD breakdown... I'll be there for you!! :D

[missk]

I find myself doing that same thing! I will go over the conversations that I have had with other people and my fiancé says I think too much and to just let it go. I believe it is stress related and having too much on your mind. Everybody's answers are really helpful-but I still do exactly what you do-My fiancé suggested to me to just think about what I say before I say it then maybe I won't stress about it so much.

[valinors_sorrow]

I find myself doing that exact same thing!! I will go over the conversations that I have had with other people and my fiance says I think too much and to just let it go. I believe it is stress related and having too much on your mind. Everybody's answers are really helpful-but I still do exactly what you do-My fiance suggested to me to just think about what I say before I say it then maybe I won't stress about it so much.

If this is long term and chronic, you can seek help with all that stress. This is not something you have to live with and its not wise to live with it either, considering what stress does to us. And if its situational and passing, then never mind what I said. LOL :p

(Sowwy, I didn't mean to hijack Akae's thread here.)

[AKaeTrue]

Val, come on now, your not hijacking... Your contributing:D
I love every bit of your input!!

Missk, my husband tells me to stop and think about what I'm going to say before I say it too, and it works for the first sentence of the conversation. Then, I put my foot in my mouth. It's hard, I go off rambling and making no sense. Then, I will replay that conversation with what I said, what I should have said instead, what I shouldn't have said, what I said wrong, what I should have said to correct it, every "off topic" thing I said, and how stupid I made myself look...

As a matter of fact, just before I got on the Internet this afternoon, I was replaying a conversation with my sons doctor.
I really made myself look like an idiot and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake it from my mind.
I feel like an idiot, during the entire visit, my mind was running faster than my mouth... I don't think one thing I said made sense and I kept interrupting the doctor... it was like I knew what he was going to say before he said it, so I'd just talk... I just wish I could have kept my mouth closed...

I'm actually having a difficult time today... "thinking issues"
Stress?? Maybe, but everyone tells me that I have a stress free life...
I've pretty much excepted the move my family will be making.
I get to spend my days with my children, animals, and flower gardens...

I'm seriously about to burst into tears right now and I have no idea why... There is no reason why... I guess I'm going to take my son outside to play... and maybe plant some flowers... that usually helps...

I know I'm rambling...

(this feeling is exactly what I mean when I say I'm changing... I don't like feeling this way... I don't like not being able to stay happy)

[ordinaryguy]

Kae--

I really empathize with what you're going through. I've often felt that the hardest point in a major cycle of change is AFTER you know a big one is afoot, but BEFORE you can tell what shape it will take or what the specifics are. My preferred strategy for those times is watch everything (especially myself) more carefully, talk less, meditate/pray more, have faith. Not easy, but it usually works better for me than going off half cocked. On the other hand, some people don't seem able to do major changes without going off half cocked, so maybe it's just a matter of personal style and preference.

You might consider getting an astrological consultation that focuses on transits and progressions that may be happening right now. Transits of Saturn, Jupiter and Mars, and progressions of the Sun, Moon, and Mercury are often associated with major life changes. If you'd like to PM me your date, time, and place of birth, I'll have a look and give you a quickie overview. A detailed and comprehensive analysis is beyond my expertise or resources. For that, I'd recommend a face-to-face session with a competent professional astrologer, not an online "cookbook" printout.