[Adispatcher]

I'm a very very healthy eater, and lately I've been more consistent w/my diet & work outs/running than ever. I've gotten so used to eating the same foods everyday, or changing it up once & awhile w/other healthy foods, my husband & kids eat totally different from me but that's okay, it works out for all of us. Well, I need to know how to handle going to someone else's house for dinner... For example, we are going to my mother in law's house today for dinner because my sister in law is in town. My mother in law is making chicken parm & eggplant parm w/pasta. She told me on the phone that she heard I'm on a diet (I absolutely despise the word diet lol) and she told me I can go off my diet for one night. But I told her I'd rather not, that I've been very consistent. She knows I loveee eggplant parm. Anyway, the thing is is that I haven't even been craving anything except what I've been eating & when I do crave someone heavier, I go for it at my own pace & I work it into my schedule when I'm ready & know I can get right back on track. I know it's just "one day" of eating heavier, but I don't have good self discipline & I end up feeling so guilty & hard on myself afterwards if I give in. My mindset right now is to not give in. I'll pick at whatever I think I should eat, or what to eat, salad, veggies, maybe even a couple pieces of eggplant w/o the pasta. Is that rude? Am I being insulting by being what some would call a "picky eater"? I don't want to have to feel bad about this or hurt anyone's feelings.

[JudyKayTee]

Yes, I think you're being rude. I was vegetarian for a number of years. I never made a big deal out of my eating habits. If I were invited for dinner I ate what I "could" eat, passed up what I couldn't - and praised what I did eat.

I don't think the entire family should have to eat what you eat when you want to eat it. They probably also don't want to hear about it.

If your food intake is very restricted or you are strictly regimented, join them after dinner instead of having dinner with them.

I would eat a couple of forkfuls of the parm and a lot of other things. Of course, that's just me - I also would go WAY out of my way not to make an issue of my eating habits. I grew weary of explaining why I didn't eat meat. Maybe this is the same situation (sort of).

Is this a matter of diet or a matter of control? I notice you use the phrase "give in" when you describe what you will and will not eat. Is this the mother of your first husband or the mother of the man you fell in love with - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-537787.html. That might change my opinion about the control aspect.

[Adispatcher]

Thanks for your feedback. Funny you say that, because I've been a vegetarian for 6 years now. Fish/seafood is the only meat I eat. The only place we usually go to dinner at is my in laws, and they know I'm vegetarian which they've been understanding about especially because my mother in law generally eats pretty healthy also & likes to eat fish as well. She is off her "diet" right now though which is why I think she really wants me to eat what she's making, I think it almost makes her feel bad because she's not eating as well & keeps falling off her diet. I was like that months ago due to a lot of stress but I've gained control back again recently & I've been so consistent w/it, as I said. Anyway, I'll probably do exactly what you said, I decided. I'll have a small serving size of the pasta & my mother in law said she would fry up some eggplant on the side for me but not bread it like she is doing for the pasta. I told her not to go out of her way, but she didn't seem to mind. So I was thankful she was willing to meet me halfway on this. As far as your question goes, I think its more leaning twds matter of control. I'm very hard on myself & when I eat even the smallest portion of something I know I shouldn't eat, I get very down on myself & then I end up saying the heck w/it & eating more feeling like well I already ate bad I may as well keep going. I know that sounds so obnoxious but its something I've always gone through, though I DO know my body very well... I can gain ten lbs & I know it only takes me 2 weeks to use it, if that, when I get myself back in exercise/good nutrition mode. But lately I've been more consistent than ever & I don't want to let anything become a set back for me, nor do I want to be hard on myself if I do. I wish I could drill it in my head that having one serving size w/my in laws tonight won't make me gain 3 lbs by the morning & to continue on w/what I've been doing frm there. Sorry if I sound looney.

[JudyKayTee]

No, you don't sound looney. The secret is tiptoe-ing on the line between what works for you and keeping other people happy when food is involved. My family thought I was crazy and expressed that feeling. You've heard all the arguments, I'm sure. "So you're telling me that not eating that hamburger will save the World?"

I think you've got it under control. Glad your mother in law is working with you and, yes, she may have her own agenda here.

Let us know how things work out.

[solidzane]

My opinion is that you would not have been rude to not eat what you don't want to. Others see things different ways and so whether your in laws think you are being rude is a whole different story.

On the other hand, is your mother in law the one that is being rude by inviting you over for a dinner that she knows you disagree with? And not having an alternative. (I know you posted that she is working with you on it, this is a hypothetical scenario where she didn't work with you.) To me, if she had not adjusted to accommodate you then she would be acting in a rude manner...

Just a little example from my own exp. My friends had a party a few miles out of the city and didn't think to get water along with their sodas and beer. I happened to be going a full year without any soda (New Years resolution, Made it!) and I was under age to drink alcohol. I was invited and didn't take any water with me... The friend that invited me was a little rude in not providing water when he new my diet but I could have taken my own water as well.

I didn't sit there complaining and they didn't complain that I wasn't drinking with them. More for them... lol.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you ever run into this sort of situation again, take something with you. Maybe not just for yourself. Take a big salad bowl with toppings that you and everyone can choose from on the side. That way, you attended dinner, but didn't suffer eating something you don't want to...

Just my opinions of course. :)

[JudyKayTee]

My opinion is that you would not have been rude to not eat what you don't want to. Others see things different ways and so whether your in laws think you are being rude is a whole different story.

On the other hand, is your mother in law the one that is being rude by inviting you over for a dinner that she knows you disagree with? And not having an alternative. (I know you posted that she is working with you on it, this is a hypothetical scenario where she didn't work with you.) To me, if she had not adjusted to accommodate you then she would be acting in a rude manner...

Just a little example from my own exp. My friends had a party a few miles out of the city and didn't think to get water along with their sodas and beer. I happened to be going a full year without any soda (New Years resolution, Made it!) and I was under age to drink alcohol. I was invited and didn't take any water with me... The friend that invited me was a little rude in not providing water when he new my diet but I could have taken my own water as well.

I didn't sit there complaining and they didn't complain that I wasn't drinking with them. More for them... lol.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you ever run into this sort of situation again, take something with you. Maybe not just for yourself. Take a big salad bowl with toppings that you and everyone can choose from on the side. That way, you attended dinner, but didn't suffer eating something you don't want to...

Just my opinions of course. :)

The parm isn't the only thing the mother in law was cooking. The OP had her choice from other "sides." If you really want to insult someone, bring your own food to a dinner party.

I see no insult on the part of the mother in law in the invitation. Everyone should not be expected to be vegetarian because one family member chooses that path.

Just my own opinion, of course.

[JudyKayTee]

thanks for your feedback. funny you say that, because i've been a vegetarian for 6 years now. fish/seafood is the only meat i eat. .

Six years is a very long time - congratulations. I had trouble getting enough protein. You must be both knowledgeable and very careful about what you eat. Wish I were that disciplined.

So - how was dinner?

[Adispatcher]

Dinner was good by the way! Turns out, there were a few other foods there to also choose from. And I'm never worried about my mother in law being upset with me for anything, we get along great, and she's very very good to me. I was just worried about hurting her feelings or offending her in a hurtful way, not a "make her mad" kind of way.
And yah, 6 yrs! I've gotten so used to it, I don't know any differently now plus I don't crave anything other than the foods I'm used to eating, fish seafood.

[JudyKayTee]

Thanks for the update - I often wonder how things work out.