[KMC6296]

My 8 year old daughter is in a class with a girl who bull dozes over her. My daughter is very outgoing and will speak her mind, so I'm not afraid of her being pushed around, but this other girl is causing her grief. The little girl is very mature and is easily doing work at a 3rd grade level, so this 2nd grade class is not a challenge for her. To make matters worse, she is the teachers pet and the teacher allows her help the other kids with their work. This I have a problem with, this girl comes over to my daughter, tells her that what she is doing is wrong and then "helps" her by doing the work. I have stopped this several times and explained to my daughter and the other girl that she will not learn how to do the work if it is being done for her. Today for example, I was in their class (I am there for an hour 3 times per week) and asked my daughter if she passed her 5's in multiplication. She started to explain to me and then the other girl jumped in and said "no, she didn't pass her 5's today and she hasn't passed them in English or Spanish, she's going to start loosing recess". I tried to stop her, which failed. When she did stop, I told her that Kate could explain for herself.

This other girl and my daughter have played very well together and for the most part get along. I think the problem is that my Kate has had enough of the bossiness. There have been several times where the other girl has left Kate out of what is being played. I even witnessed one morning where Kate said hello to her and the other girl refused to turn around or say hello. Apparently, this is due to Kate having played with some of the other girls when she was being excluded. Now, she gets these constant remarks about how playing with the other girls makes her stuck up just like them, etc. She has even Kate a note asking if they could be friends, but addressing it to Ms. Stuck-up.

I realize, that these girls are just 8. However, I think it is starting to interfere with my daughters school work and self esteem. This other girl upsets Kate when she announces that she has not passed this or that multiplication table. Kate became very upset last week when she DID pass her 5's in English ( how quickly they forget :) ) and the girl blurted out to me that she passed before Kate had a chance to tell me.

I have a real problem with approaching the teacher. I have mentioned this to her twice before and her response is the same - "all children have their unique and wonderful qualities, she means well". I can say that the mother would be unbearable if my issue were to get to her. I have met her, she seems nice enough, but she is moving her kids out of the school next year because she doesn't believe the school is acknowledging the level at which her kids are at. Apparently she does not believe the school is equipped to deal with the level at which her kids are performing.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this without making everyone mad and my daughter ending up with no on e to play with?

[Fr_Chuck]

I would have no problem explaining this to a teacher that while all children have their unique quality, a teacher is suppose to allow each child to develop and she is not.

I am one to go directly to the problem, and here it is the teacher not the child.

[J_9]

I have to agree with Fr. Chuck on this one. It is time to have a discussion with the teacher, after class. Don't let the teacher push you around. Believe it or not, most kids don't like teacher's pets anyway. You need to remind the teacher that Kate's grades are private.

Next time you ask your daughter something at school and the other girl pipes in, you can look her directly in the eye and say, "I am sorry "Judy" I don't believe I asked you the question, when I ask you, then it will be your turn to answer, but right now I am talking to Kate." If she continues, then you just remind her that you are talking to Kate. PERIOD!!

It is a good thing that this girl will be moving soon. Here in our schools we are out in 3 months, I believe you and your daughter can muttle through this short amount of time.

Another thing, you need to let Kate learn how to "fight her own battles." She needs to grow up and learn how to handle conflict. Conflict does begin this early. Unless you teach her at home how to handle this, and you continue to stand up for her, she runs the risk of being called a sissy and a mama's girl by the other children when you are not around. This will be hard for her to overcome as she gets older.

If she does not learn how to handle conflict at an early age, she will have a hard time as she gets older and the conflicts become more intense.

I am speaking from experience as a mother of four, ages 20, 19, 13, and 4 1/2. Also, my mother-in-law is a 4th grade teacher and my brother-in-law is a high school spanish teacher.

[RubyPitbull]

I agree completely with J_9. All good points and well verbalized.

You do need to have another discussion with the teacher but there is something I would like to add. Since you have stated that your daughter and this other little girl are friends, and you and the other girl seem to know each other well, is it at all possible that she views you as a mother figure? She seems to be exhibiting typical sibling rivalry behavior, vying with your daughter for your attention. If that is the case, please follow J_9's advice above as to how to handle that girl directly.

[KMC6296]

Thank you all SO much for the responses. I agree that I will have to have another talk with the teacher and be more firm. I never thought of the other girl seeing me as a mother figure, but I suppose that could be possible. I am the only mother to come to the class regularly. I am there 3 days per week helping with math and I do walk my daughter into her class every morning and give her a kiss. Again, no other mothers. I don't want to toot my own horn, but, I have been truly shocked by how little the other mothers participate. A lot of the other little girls like to hold my hand and sit with me. I could see where the girl we have problems with would get upset. Her mother parks in front of the school to pick her up and will not get out of her car. She walks with us to the gate.

I agree too with J_9 about getting my daughter to fight her own battles. I never thought of future consequences. She is still my baby and I'm not ready for her to grow up yet! :)
Thanks again!

[J_9]

I am there 3 days per week helping with math and I do walk my daughter into her class every morning and give her a kiss. Again, no other mothers. I don't want to toot my own horn, but, I have been truly shocked by how little the other mothers participate.

Your daughter and her school are very lucky that you CAN participate. It must feel good to be able to have the TIME to participate.

Remember in today's society many women HAVE to work and cannot help in the schools even though they would love to.

I have to drop mine off at the door every morning at 7:15 am, then I meet my carpool at 7:25 to drive 50 miles to school (yes I am a student too). After class is out I drive 50 miles back home just in time to pick my kiddos up at 3:15. On Thursday I do not even get home until 8:00 pm due to 12 hour clinical shifts at the hospital.

I am not trying to make you feel sorry, but rather trying to show how you are lucky in that you HAVE the time to spend at school with your daughter. I am lucky though in that my mother-in-law is a teacher at my son's elementary school and my daughter rides the bus over from the middle school. So my kidlets are together with their Grandmother every afternoon.

Yes, she is your baby, that is good. Just remember not to baby her too much. Other kids are cruel, especially at this age.