[Juicyfruity27]

Myself between girls, sisters and family. I always look into the mirror and constantly tell myself I'm ugly and 'someone' else is prettier. I have a boyfriend, he's everything you can dream of in a man. Charming, lovable, and my parents-approved.

But, as life is. Nothing is perfect. His past bothers me. He had his first girlfriend before me, he lost everything to her. First kiss, hug, VIRGINITY. And that bothers me. You see, I had a fair share of exes. But I kept myself pure, regardless of the constant persuasion of sex. However my boyfriend, when his ex asked he jumped right into it. I lost my virginity to him in our one year.

His ex is a slut (sleeps around), in fact she wasn't even pretty. I know for a fact I'm better and prettier in so many ways. But I always find myself comparing myself to her. Deep down, I'd give up everything to be her. To feel his first kiss, first night. Sometimes we fight because of this, the thought of it gets me irritated and angry. Sometimes he would compare me to her, bring up the past, talk about their sexual experiences, and that's what led to me believe she was better than me.

I fell into depression, I can't sleep without screaming and waking up. Every night I cry and pray that I could change the past. My boyfriend told me he regrets it, and he loves me more then her and he was stupid back then. He lied to me when I ask if he loved her. He told me he did it because he wanted to protect me (he knows my problem), but I found out in the end, and it kills me. It eats me alive and I get mad, hit things, slash myself. My head keeps telling me he loves her and I'm a replacement (as he always talks about her).

My depression got so bad, that one day, that I bought myself to cheat on him. I gave 8 guys a blow job and slept with 3 different guys. I thought that once I got even. I'd feel better. But my depression is still there. I even attempted suicide. I can't bring myself to leave him. I told him to stop talking about her, but sometimes it just slips out of his mouth. Until I threatened to kill myself then did he stop.

I know he loves me, and I love him. But I'm so depressed. I feel guilty that I cheated. I love him so much that I just wanted to help our relationship - I thought cheating would let me get over the past. Thank you for reading my story, I express my utmost gratitude to those who try to give me advice. Thank you

[NukeNC]

Okay, I don't really feel like sugarcoating this for you. You sound extremely immature. Who cares if he slept with someone before you? Do you think when your 30, if your not married that your going to find someone that has slept with no girls before you? I highly highly doubt it. Your making yourself upset over literally nothing, and now you cheated which is a terrible thing. He did all these things when you guys weren't dating, you cheated, you have no excuse. Yes, I've read your story and I can see to an extent where your coming from, but no it doesn't justify what you did at all. It simply sounds like a complete overreaction and sounds like you might have more problems than your boyfriends ex if your willing to attempt suicide over something like this, in fact... there is no reason to attempt suicide in any situation.

[talaniman]

Its very cruel of him to feed your insecurities and yes depression with talk of his past sex life. But you better go see a doctor for the proper help with the hurting yourself through anger, and frustration, guilt, and shame.

You cannot have a healthy relationship, unless you are healthy yourself, and you are not, but can be with the right help, support, and guidance. I doubt if you can do this alone, and should have someone who knows what they are doing to help you through this hard time in your life.

I think once you have a healthier outlook on things, you will see that its your boyfriend who is even more unhealthy as you are, and have the strength and courage to change that.

Talk to your mom quickly, and see your doctor.

[kcomissiong]

Well, I'm not going to sugar coat either. You sound like you need some serious psychological intervention immediately. Behavior this erratic and dangerous needs to be handled by a professional. Please seek out a trusted adult who and get you to the resources you need.