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palmtree · Jan 30, 2007, 10:08 AM

I would love to know how to handle the fact that I have searched my husbands desktop and found that just a few months after we were married he was looking at personal ads for a discret relationship with another woman?:mad:

NeedKarma · Jan 30, 2007, 10:09 AM

How do you find that? Internet cache? A lot of sites have ads on them for dating sites.

palmtree · Jan 30, 2007, 10:15 AM

Yes, that's how I found it. There was more than one closer to 30

NeedKarma · Jan 30, 2007, 10:18 AM

Well one of the options is that he enjoys some online "erotica" and the ads/images/links come form those sites. Another question that creeps up is why were you searching your husband's Desktop? Trust issues?

palmtree · Jan 30, 2007, 10:20 AM

Yes! ABSOLUTELY! It's a long story!

NeedKarma · Jan 30, 2007, 10:23 AM

Married just a few months at that... sad.
Well internet cache is not a very reliable way to figure out one's habits. Bookmarks/Favorites and History would give a better picture. That's about all I'm comfortable with saying since personal privacy is something I believe in.

Wildcat21 · Jan 30, 2007, 10:48 AM

Well now she has trust issues.

You need a marriage counseler pronto - this is way wrong.

Huge deal breaker.

talaniman · Jan 30, 2007, 11:03 AM

Hey does anyone talk any more? Not a good sign if the two of you cannot communicate before you go assuming and get carried away by your own emotions and issues. Instead of getting mad, calm down and just ask will you.

valinors_sorrow · Jan 30, 2007, 11:25 AM

Holy cow, I'm with Tal...
Shorten the story, start talking to each other and get some things solved.
And if you don't know how, seek help and learn.

Wildcat21 · Jan 30, 2007, 11:44 AM

Communication is king!!

Wildcat21 · Jan 30, 2007, 11:47 AM

ALSO!! I think when you're married - things like computers are no longer private. If you're really together no one should care. It's about trustin gsharing growing.

If you're hiding things on you're computer - well, you shouldn't be married.

NeedKarma · Jan 30, 2007, 11:55 AM

Wildcat,
Many couples have their own profiles. I do quite a bit of tech support in peoples' homes and about 25% of couples have their own profiles and then one for the kids. No need to expect the worst automatically. It's in the same vein as having separate bank accounts as my wife and I have (we share a mortgage account).

phillysteakandcheese · Jan 30, 2007, 12:27 PM

A key question here would be was he just looking at dating sites, or was he active on dating sites. I would say that is pretty tough to determine just on cache files alone...

Maybe was looking for Bit Torrents and all the adult site ads piled up..
Maybe curiosity got to him one day, and he just looked..

Honestly, how can you tell the difference from temp files? And in even trying - You're creating the worst case scenario in your mind from something that is anecdotal.

pluckyflamingo · Jan 30, 2007, 12:41 PM

I don't think it is a problem you looked on his desktop unless he was trying to hide something. Invasion of his privacy blah blah blah. He gave that up when he decided to get married. First off if he is secretly meeting these other women and gains a sexual relationship with someone? If her "flower" isn't clean he could give "something" to you. People never realize the consequences of there actions. Second if it upsets you to the point you "have" to know what is going on, just be straight forward with the situation and talk to him about. So what if he gets mad that you looked on his computer, you have the rigth to know what is going on, and he shouldn't have said I DO. Or if you want to try the sneaky approach impose as another female and catch him in the dirty deed. Nobody likes a cheater.

Wildcat21 · Jan 30, 2007, 01:32 PM

Oh I completely understanding having your own profile. It's a must. That profile should not be off limits to your spouse - if it is - then your hiding something - that's really unhealthy.

Once your married - if it's a healthy marriage - you don't have to hide anything. Trust.

He shouldn't get mad if she looked - IF he gets mad it's because he IS hiding soemthing for sure.

talaniman · Jan 30, 2007, 03:01 PM

We only have one computer and all our stuff is pass word protected except from each other. I pick the background for the deesktop and she picked the screen saver. If you have to have secrets and hide things from one another then either the communications need work, or this relationship needs to be re-evaluated. Just my 2 cents.