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Just Looking · Oct 3, 2010, 08:28 PM

I've been wondering how you were. I'm glad you are ready to call this quits. It sounds like you haven't done this yet. When you do, keep your safety in mind. That could mean doing it by e-mail or phone, or at the very least in a public place. Do not go to his place or have him come to yours. You don't want to be alone with him just in case he loses his temper.

I hope you'll read over my tips again. They are all based on what my ex did. I thought I was being so careful, but he used a third party to trick me. Be smart, be careful, and listen to your gut.

Also, know that he will most likely try to sweet talk you into changing your mind. Be firm and strong. My ex didn't give up for weeks, even though I ignored him. Read the stickies in this forum - they are full of great info.

Survivor07 · Oct 4, 2010, 04:59 PM

I was wondering, too. Glad to hear from you.

This guy has serious issues and will only bring you pain and unhappiness.

You can't help him. So, help yourself. Saying you're done to yourself is one thing. You have to let him know so that the "getting rid of him" can begin.

As stated above, you will need support and you will need to stick to your guns.

Remind yourself that a guy who is drunk at 10 a.m. and verbally abusing you is not someone with whom you want to share your life. You deserve much, much more. A loving relationship does NOT include being someone's punching bag.

toomanytears · Oct 31, 2010, 08:52 PM

Hi again,
Just wanted to give yet another update, I still haven't seen him since the time in NYC and I don't plan to. Things officially ended it meaning, I wrote some heartless emails that really hit home to him which made him end things. Of course I've been crying here and there, but overall I know this is the best thing. I have my weak moments still on the phone some, I'm trying to eliminate all of communication. He has been trying to guilt trip me into making me think I broke his heart, and that he wants things to work, that he will change etc... But I know better. I found myself coming here tonight to read the replies to my question to give me extra strength, because sadly I need it, I need all the strength I can to not feel bad and back down and feel bad. So any strength suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

talaniman · Oct 31, 2010, 09:26 PM

Look in the mirror and tell the person you see that you love them, and everything will be okay. Its okay to cry, and get it out, and tomorrow, do something great for just YOU!

Just Looking · Nov 4, 2010, 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by toomanytears

hi again,
Just wanted to give yet another update, I still haven't seen him since the time in NYC and I don't plan to. Things officially ended it meaning, I wrote some heartless emails that really hit home to him which made him end things. Of course I've been crying here and there, but overall I know this is the best thing. I have my weak moments still on the phone some, I'm trying to eliminate all of communication. He has been trying to guilt trip me into making me think I broke his heart, and that he wants things to work, that he will change etc... But I know better. I found myself coming here tonight to read the replies to my question to give me extra strength, because sadly I need it, I need all the strength I can to not feel bad and back down and feel bad. So any strength suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

I just now saw this. I had been out of town for a few weeks. I'm so glad to hear that you are not together with him anymore. Re-reading your posts is one of the best things you can do. It reminds you of why you wanted the break and the dangerous situation that existed. There's nothing wrong with crying, but you shouldn't be having any contact with him. You are taking the chance of letting him wear you down and you aren't allowing yourself to heal. Read the stickies about no contact.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-510419.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-510423.html

As for how to keep strong, this stickie has lots of suggestions.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-510425.html

One of the things you should be doing is thinking about what you want in life, and what kind of man and relationship you want. Obviously, it's not the relationship you had. That will reaffirm that you are headed in the right direction. Keep busy, and especially work on things that will improve your life. The best thing you can do for now is go no contact. Those phone calls will do nothing but confuse you. Don't even think about his heartbreak plea. He's just showing his desperation, and if you fall for it you will pay for it in the long run. He's an adult and he can take care of himself. It's time for you to take care of yourself and make the life that you want. Good luck, and post again if you feel weak or just to let us know how you are doing.

toomanytears · Nov 16, 2010, 09:41 PM

Hello again,
Just another update, I STILL haven't seen him and I finally have no more urges to see him, thank god. Granted he has been trying to weasel his way back into my heart but it has not happened, I get weak at times but I totally know what's best. I have heard from sources that his roommates where he lives have thrown him out of where he was living I'm not sure if its true or not but that's what I heard and they threw him out due to drinking. Do I feel bad yes because winter is like right around the corner, will I lose sleep over this? Certainly not. I just need to keep my focus on staying strong and NOT look back.

toomanytears · Jan 7, 2011, 12:09 AM

Well I don't know if anyone is still following this, but thought I'd give another update,I'm still free of him, thank god. He ended up going off on me big time in the end of November, so know what I finally did? I changed my phone number.. and just the other day finally I removed him from my Facebook and blocked him all ways to contact me. I can honestly fully say that I have no more weakness for him. I'm so glad I got warned and I got help from all of you on here!

HistorianChick · Jan 7, 2011, 06:43 AM

I just now saw this question and posts... and once again, I'm so thankful for this community. Look at the amazing steps you've made at taking your power back and starting your life again. You go, girl!

You've come a long way, you've made a difference in your life, you've survived, you've become a stronger, wiser, and more vibrant woman, and you're DONE with the loser! :) As an outsider, I'm proud of you!

Keep it up, keep growing, keep learning from this situation. I'd recommend even getting involved in some kind of woman's shelter/abuse center in your area. You have an amazing story! Other women will gather strength from you. Become an advocate, make a difference in someone else's life, too.

You're awesome, girl! :)

mystific · Jan 9, 2011, 05:09 PM

I am extremely proud and happy for your new found freedom. I remember that feeling of absolute release with the cutting of every tie possible. Enjoy the overwhelming sense of personal empowerment and strength. It will hold you in great stead in the future.

First verse of a song that when heard makes me 'all that' :)

Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'

To all the strong and independent women out there, I tip my glass to you..

toomanytears · May 10, 2011, 05:31 PM

I have posted numerous times on this board about a guy I was involved with that turned out to be total bad news for me. Anyway I have been going through something I don't understand. I have not seen this guy since this one time in NYC when he was all in my face and showed me his abusive side that I got warned majorly about, this was back in October. Anyway, what I don't understand is that, I STILL have communication with him we talk online in instant messages, sometimes emails. I have refused to give him my new phone number, as well as giving him my new address where I live currently yet I still have contact with him, I do not understand. He did something VERY horrible to me that I never mentioned on this board, which I don't know if I ever will talk about it in case he ever finds me posting on here. I just don't understand why I still have communication with this lowlife jerk. I have a better life now, and surrounded by many positive people, yet.. I still talk to him. If my family or my close friends knew they wouldn't be happy with me knowing about the horrible thing I went through because of him. Any explanations?

mystific · May 10, 2011, 05:46 PM

I remember you.

Why do you still 'choose' to communicate with him?

You do realise it will be only a matter of time while talking with him that he'll suddenly come across as caring and concerned which will eventually lead to him wanting to be a part of your life again.. of which you will eventually cave.

You need to stop talking with him. Continuing to do so will stop you from moving on with your life. He knows this.

He is manipulating you into believing he will/can change. You know yourself what damage he has done and how horrendous he can be. You are going to tear yourself apart if you carry on like this.

You still have it in the back of your head a feeling of 'the devil you know', it's a small intricate feeling in the lowest of times that you could see yourself going back to him because you know what you'd be getting into and that you could change it.

You can't. The damage is done.. you have to... HAVE to move on with your life. That means not speaking / talking / communicating with him EVER again. As you've said, you have a new life.. a positive one.. why weigh yourself down with crap from old?

toomanytears · May 10, 2011, 05:54 PM

Thank you for remembering me, and I don't know why I weigh myself down from all this crap, its crazy, especially with the horrible thing that transpired between him and I that I haven't mentioned on here. He keeps feeding me in with all the I miss you, I still love you, we can make this work, I still consider you mine, I can't imagine myself with anyone else etc.. He uses a lot of those lines on me, deep down I know he is full of bs, that's why I don't understand why I still communicate, its so crazy. I do have to say though I don't have the urge to see him, no matter how much he sweet talks, he never gets me to go see him, and I never will give him my new number or my new address. Which he always tells me he is so hurt about. I will say this, because of him I have been dealing with some very horrible health issues, and he knows what's going on he acts like he wants to be there for me to see it through but I'm honest with him and I tell him its too late for that, I have support from my family and close friends. I'm sorry I'm complaining on here I just don't understand why I still want to communicate. :( I am going to keep in mind what you said and reread this after I hit submit this.

ironhide262 · May 10, 2011, 05:58 PM

In this world where we can control any communication devices we have , I don't know either.

Without getting into specifics it may be beyond the scope of this board and may take some one on one time with perhaps a psychologist to get down to what motivates you to contact this person.

Best of luck.

toomanytears · May 10, 2011, 06:00 PM

I totally agree, I'd love to see a shrink to figure this out, once I'm more healthy I plan to do so.

Wondergirl · May 10, 2011, 06:08 PM

How do you feel when he tells you all that?

toomanytears · May 10, 2011, 06:10 PM

Honestly my gutt tells me he is bs'ing me just to try and get me back and he will do anything that he knows or thinks might work. I think that he is just lonely and no one wants him at the current time so he decides to continue working on what was with me, in hope that I will give in and forgive him when I can NEVER forgive him

Wondergirl · May 10, 2011, 06:12 PM

Plus, it feels pretty nice when he says those things, doesn't it. Even a little satisfactory, like "it's about time you acknowledged that"?

toomanytears · May 10, 2011, 06:18 PM

Yes but no... yes because its always nice to hear nice things, but no... because I know he is full of it lol

mystific · May 10, 2011, 06:22 PM

honestly my gutt tells me he is bs'ing me just to try and get me back and he will do anything that he knows or thinks might work. I think that he is just lonely and no one wants him at the current time so he decides to continue working on what was with me, in hope that I will give in and forgive him when I can NEVER forgive him

Maybe you cant.. but wondergirl is going exactly where I would go.. just in a nicer way :)

Keep strong.. make notes around the place why you're staying this strong.. he will hit a chord one day when you're at your emotionally weakest and you will fold.. remember the reasons.

Im no doctor nor shrink.. but I'll happily go out on a limb and say till you've dropped him completely from your life.. your health issues will not improve.

Wondergirl · May 10, 2011, 06:26 PM

I think that he is just lonely and no one wants him at the current time

And you really don't want him to feel bad and lonely because, after all, he is really a nice guy. And until some girl gets interested in him, why not let him text you? You're strong and can take it with grain of salt.