[brent.0987]

So here is my story. This girl who had a boyfriend for most of the last year was constantly chasing me... like she would text me all the time when I would never initiate but would respond back to her. She has never chased a guy like that in her life, its always been the guy whose chased her. We are in the 20 to 24 year old age range me and her and her reason for staying with the guy even when she clearly was not into him anymore and was into me was because of her own insecurities of being afraid to be alone etc. The guy also treated her poorly so it really wasn't a relationship anymore, which was part of the reason she allowed herself to even chase another guy. She wasn't with the guy the whole time she was after me, they had broken up and gotten back together here and there. I also always made it clear to her that I don't want a girlfriend, that I take things very slow and would even tell her if she meets another guy to take her chance with him because I don't want to hold her back. Anyway during the last year (except for 2 months where I did not talk to her because she had lied to me about her being her bf) she was always chasing me, txting me, calling me, always fooling around sexually with me. She even wanted to have sex at one point but she had told me she only has sex with guys she has a lot of feelings for and that she can't just do that for fun, feelings have to be involved. The first time I actually stopped us from having sex because I didn't feel enough for her, but a couple of months later I did because I developed some. During this whole time there have been other women in my life and she's aware of that, just like I was aware eventually she was still with her boyfriend. She would even tell me she's staying with her boyfriend because it's the only distraction she could have from thinking about me. Anyway, so over the last year we had sex, she's always txted and called me, would even text me when she's at a club saying she wishes I was there and wishes that we could be a couple. In December, she even told me I was taking a lot of place in her hearth and that she loved me. I told her I had a lot of feelings for her at that time but didn't know for sure if I did to so I didn't say it. She was actually still with her boyfriend but eventually broke up with him 2 months after she said she loved me around February.

Shortly after her and her boyfriend broke up, she began to act differently with me. She txted less, called less, when she did text and call it wasn't as long or as much as it was before. I had told her I loved her around the same time her and her boyfriend broke up. As my feelings grew for her, even if I was not ready to go out with her, it really started to affect me when I noticed she was different. She also met some new friends around the same time and started going to clubs every weekend. This has been about the last 2 months where in addition to her being distant, she even told me she would not be my girlfriend (I didn't ask her to be, we were just talking like that) because she wants to be able to go out with her friends and not feel bad talking to other guys etc. She would still do the majority of the texting, she initiated still most of the time and would even text me goodnight every night except the weekend when she would go to clubs.

Although she still said she loved me and she would "eventually probably want to go out with me" her sudden change in the way she was acting with me was driving me crazy so we fought a lot. We still fooled around but not as much and she even told me she wanted to stay friends with benefits with potential of going out later, which is what I wanted, the only thing is her character was so different with me it drove me nuts.

The only thing is, it seemed like she was even making a lot of excuses when it came time to actually sleep together. So one day she even told me, when she meant benefits she meant for kissing and not for sex because if she has sex with someone she will then feel like its her boyfriend and she will feel bad if she talks to another guy. So when she said it to me like that, I told her we were going to have to cut all contact because that's not good enough for me especially with the feelings I have for her. This happened as we went to breakfast. I had invited her to come over (before we had that talk) after breakfast since no one was home, and she was already making excuses about work etc, her period that we couldn't have sex blah blah. So after breakfast I said I was going to take her home and she tells me well we could still go to your place. I told her there's no point since were cutting all contact and she insisted so I said why not. Basically as soon as we got home she was all over me and we had sex. That day and for the next 2 days, she was like she used to be, txting me a lot more etc. Except the day after (friday) SHE made plans with me so that she could come over on the Saturday after she sees her friend. I said OK, but then she cancels on me the next day saying their just going to have a girl night instead. So we got into a fight and she told me she's been in la la land since our day on Thursday and that it hurt that I was mad at her. We didn't talk for a whole day after that.
After a day I told her we need to take a break from each other, that's pretty much all I texted her. She sent me a couple of texts saying she was sorry for canceling (however it was like the 3rd time she cancels on me like that in about 10 days) and that she did some thinking and that the going out every weekend was not for her. I didn't answer to any of that and she txted me later that night saying I didn't even have the decency to respond to her text, but she didn't ask me anything she just made a statement. I didn't answer that text either and then she called me and I answered. I asked her if she had anything to say and she's like "i didnt even think youd answer" but she didn't know what to say. So I told her I wasn't ready to talk and that if she wanted she should try me in a couple of weeks and we could talk then. She said OK and we got off the phone. That same night, she txted me saying she was thinking about me and said goodnight. That was part of what bothered me so much, is that shed always text me goodnight only when she didn't go out on weekends. Anyway, I didn't respond to that message and that was 7 days ago and haven't heard anything from her since.

I was wondering what advice you all have for me? In terms of what I want, I know I have a lot of feelings for her but I also know I wouldn't go out with her at this moment (because I want to be single and I don't trust her right now). What got me so mad was how she changed the way she acted with me, would treat me like a boyfriend during the week but not when she would go out, then she started canceling on me too often so I didn't like it, including ignoring my texts when she would go out but it was texts of us during a fight.

I will def not be initiating any kind of contact but am considering next time she initiates, I will respond and start talking to her again without bringing anything up and see if the same bad stuff keeps happening. Its still pretty hard however, and really want to know what to do with this whole no contact thing in my specific situation and what I should do if/when she does contact again.

[amicon]

Step off the merry-go-round and stay no contact.

Let her go play her little games somewhere else,whilst you go live your own life.

[brent.0987]

I understand why you guys would tell me to stay NC... but here's my dilema... I actually did the whole NC thing a year and a half ago as I had just gotten out of a 5.5 year relationship. I literally cut off everything with my exgf, ignored all her attempts to contact me and everything. There's a couple of differences though between my ex girlfriend of 5 years and this current situation

1) well it was 5 years where I never even went out with this current girl
2) I would still not go out with this girl, yes one reason is because I don't trust her, but the other reason is because I was in a relationship for so long not that long ago, I still want to stay single for a bit

One thing I will do for sure is no initiate and even if I answer back her next contact attempts and we start talking again, I would still NEVER initiate... im just not sure if id be appropriatly using the no contact here by ignoring her attempts to contact me if I still want to be single and we never actually went out... like I had sex with this girl 10 days ago lol... and I don't want a relationship with her right now... I just know she's someone I want to fool around with that I have a lot of feelings for but at the same time I would not go out with her right now... should I just go with the flow IF she contacts seeing as we never had an actual relationship? Or is my judgment being to clouded here lol

[talaniman]

Make up your own mind why don't you. While you say you want to be single and mess around, you still mess around and have sex with someone whom you don't trust. Most times you go along with her program, and neither of you seems exclusive or committed, more friends with benefits, so I am confused about why you are confused.

Seems you have what you want, but want more, at the same time you want less. The bottom line is you don't seem very good at separating what you are doing, and what you want to do. That's the way it goes sometimes when you are using, and being used. Just because it seems like she treats you like a boyfriend, and is nice about it, doesn't mean she is, and the mixed signals are just ones you read because you believe and words she says, and she will say anything that gets her what she wants.

You are but an option for each other, she just has more options than you. So you have what you want, what's the problem? The problem is you like the sex, and attention you get from her, and if she stopped contacting you, after a while you would contact her. You would simply miss the attention. And its easy with this part time friends with benefits thing you have allowed to happen.

You keep using the NC term, but what you are doing no way resembles NC at all. You tell her to stop talking to you yet you are always available when she contacts you. That's the problem, you are always available to take what she gives, and want more of the free sex thing, but its always on her terms, on her time, and the mixed signals you get are your own confusion as what to do about getting more control.

I think if you can't handle FWB, then you stop being so available because she isn't sending mixed signals, she is doing her thing, her way, and doesn't need you as a full time boyfriend, so make up your mind whether you keep using each others bodies and do NC the right way, and get more options for yourself, or keep going along with her program. And being confused by her words, and actions.

Yes, your mind is clouded, by sex and attention. And NC is something that goes both ways, you don't contact her, and are busy, and unavailable, when she tries to contact you. What you are doing isn't NC, its half stepping. You must not have other options. And probably never will as long as you keep half stepping.

[brent.0987]

Thanks everyone for the advice so far, its really helping me.

I would like to add something about myself in regards to how I function and the no contact rule. I actually spent the last couple of hours reading over Isneezfunny whole story and I think he did the right thing for most of the stuff he did. But here some backroung on me.

As I mentioned before, a year and a half ago, my xgf of 5.5 years left me (this is not the same girl as the one I'm currently talking about with the mixed signals). I started the NCR 1 week after we broke up, and similar to Isneezfunny, It happened right at the beg of my school term and had to worry about school also. When I say I did NO CONTACT, I mean I did NO CONTACT, which included ignoring all her calls and text messages. She didn't contact me at all the first month, but pretty much contacted me about every week through phone calls and texts which I all ignored. Soon after me and my ex broke up, as if it wasn't hard enough to deal with a break up of my 5.5 year girlfriend and school, I found out my dad had cancer. These were the worse and hardest times of my life. I would just look forward to going home and crying for the 2 or 3 months following the break up. BUT, no contact worked for me, because after 4 months of no contact I was feeling pretty good, not 100%, but def a long way from where I started.

I didn't mention that my exgf actually started going out with a guy who was my friend (he started avoiding me as soon as me and her broke up). However, thank god I only found out like 6 months after the break up, because I had asked everyone not to talk to me about her or anything, and they didn't.

I am now healed about my xgf its been a wile because of no contact, but there's also nothing more I could have done. I was able to heal knowing I couldn't have done anything more or different, and after being with someone for 5.5 years, I think NC is absolutetly necessary. I am currently facing other problems with my xgg because she still hasn't stop contacting me to this day, yet she is still with her new boyfriend (my friend lol) and she absolutetly wants me in her life. I couldn't care less to be honest but I met up with her recently because after ignoring her for so long, to see her still contacting meant she would never stop, and its not like I've bumped into her either (I think only 3 times at clubs). When we met up she kept crying constantly about how she misses me and really wants me to be a part of her life. So I actually felt bad for her, it didn't make me feel any different about her but our chemistry was apparent in our meeting, and I actually wondered if I should consider being friends but after what she did, and she's still with him, I don't see how I could. I don't know if anyone here has any advice on that topic?

Anyway all this is to say that I KNOW NO CONTACT WORKS, I know most people that are new to these kind of sites, the main goal is to convince them not to contact their xgf and that there is light at the end of the tunnel with no contact. I know all of this as I just recently went through all of that, and no I never broke no contact. I cried, felt miserable, felt HORRIBLE during that time, but I never contacted her, my ego just wouldn't let me even when I felt the weakest.

My point to all this is that with this new girl, I never went out with her, she was never my girlfriend. To draw comparison, I am currently in the 7th day of no contact with this girl but I'm feeling OK, yes sad, but NOT EVEN CLOSE to when it was a week no contact with my xgf. At the same time, if I'm downing it abit means I have something for her. But this girl knows she hasn't been the only girl in my life, I've hooked up with 17 girls (lol I had to count) since I've been single the last year and a half, slept with 4 of them (including this new one). She kindof knows this, and knows that I generally do get girls.

Yes I have been getting what I want with this girl, which was to have a friendship and sleep together about every month, knowing that there's is a potential for things to happen in the future in terms of being a couple. I simply call this dating and still getting to know each other. I know were fooling around, but this happens with a lot of girls I talk to lol. Im OK with stuff being on her time, like I don't care if I never initiate contact or make plans. I know I could be OK with us talking and seeing each other only when she initiates. At first I wasn't but was able to change my mind frame and have become OK with it.BUT what I did not like recently was how she made plans and canceled on me the way I explained it in my story. I hate that whether it's a friend or anyone.

So that's why I came here for advice. I know in these forums were used to it being about an xgf or xbf and the guy or girl being shattered. I know because that was me last time. However, that's not my situation. So I am wondering what are your thoughts on if she does contact me within the next week (I did tell her to call me in a couple of weeks if she still wants to talk but wasn't ready at that time as I mentioned in my original story) should I just treat her like any other girl id be talking to and fooling around with, just that because there's already history, I wouldn't initiate anything and if I'm available for her I'm available if not then too bad for her. Or is just the fact that I have feelings and she's sending sum mixed signals mean I shouldn't take the chance and stick to no contact just like it was an xgf. If I do this option I would fear that later on il be asking myself what if I just didn't ignore her and might have regrets. I want to make it cleat that no matter what I wouldn't initiate, even once were talking again, id just let her chase like she's always chased me.

Sorry for the long story lol but would love to hear your thoughts.

[BMI]

So basically, you had this grandious idea in your head that this girl was focused only on you and now are realizing that that perspective is absolutely not true.

You mention that you were the first this and first that and so on and so on. You dictated what the situation would be; namely that you aren't ready for a relationship, you had other options, you were waiting, etc. etc. I bet this felt real good, no? In fact, I bet you liked the attention, walked a little taller knowing this girl was hot for you. Probably why you dangled her for a good while.

Oddly enough, the things that you wouldn't do in the beginning and the things she would never do in the beginning started happening (i.e. sex). Was it because the hoarde of other intereseted parties was drying up? Was it because perhaps you noticing her admiration for you fading? Something made you get closer when she was moving away. I think it is the fact she was moving away, exploring other options, that made you all of a sudden 'sure' you liked her.

I think the whole situation is very immature on both parts; however, I blame you much more for your current state.

You can't (or shouldn't) play with people for your own self-esteem. Ironically, she is now doing the same thing to you (probably unbeknownst to her) and you don't like it one bit.

This entire situation, in my opinion, has very little to do with her. It has much more to do with what she represented to you, what she offered you. In that light, you are no heart broken young man who can't understand why love hurts (ugh, sick). You are just selfish.

Seems like perfect justice to me.

* Note: I did not read the latest entry above. It was posted right as I posted this. Still going to post this though:)

[brent.0987]

Yes it is abit as though the tables have turned on me, however there's a difference between what she is doing now and what I did before

1) She ALWAYS initiated contact with me,even with the tables turned, it was still her who initiated contact lol. I never was the one to always contact her, sure I've initiated through our "relationship" but its been her 80% of the time, including when the tables turned

2) I was always very honets in my feelings, in fact TOO HONEST because I would tell her (before I had feelings) if you meet new guys don't turn them down to me because I would hate to know I'm holding you back when I know I'm not ready for a relationship. Now what changed is that yes I'm still not ready BUT my feelings really grew for her so there's a lot more potential for it to be something (BTW, I am very slow to actually go out with a girl, I do not rush things AT ALL)

3) I have slowly taken steps forward in my feelings towards her, where she went from absolutetly wanting to go out with me to now telling me not right now (we all know not right now usually means never lol), so her taking a step back like this right when I started feeling more got to me.

I know I'm at fault here, which is why I'm here, partially why I'm at fault is because I'm not sure how to approach this situation.

[BMI]

What is there to approach?

You are clouding your mind with useless information and details hoping to better understand a very simple situation. As follows:

She got tired of waiting and moved on. You began 'liking' her after that.

That's it! No more to it than that. You are too late.

No amount of detail and recounting of who did this and who messaged first or last or in the middle, will change the above. You say you went through this before, you say you know how this ends. Evidently, you do not.

Leave her alone. According to your posts, you should have no trouble finding someone (or seventeen).

[brent.0987]

The other people was hook ups for fun and I never got feelings for them where with this girl I have developed many feelings. The other girls have also pulled away and it never did anything to me. I didn't start liking her after she pulled away, its she who started pulling away shortly after I told her that I loved her.

[talaniman]

There is no fault, you both, and all the others use each other by mutual agreement, and that won't change, until you get tired of it, and want to change it.

Have fun playa!

[BMI]

No Brent,

This too was for hook-ups and fun, in the beginning. As T-man menitoned, you liked the attention and the sex, that's fun, I get it, trust me.

However, at that time, had you looked at the bigger picture, the girl, her qualitites, the possibility of a relationship, etc. you may have not gone down the friends with benefits road, which, in many ways, equates to saying I don't like you enough to date you but I will sleep with you. That road rarely leads to a relationship afterwards, let alone this new found love of yours.

I, for one, have never had a girl long for me, then reject her, then keep her dangling, and then fall in love with her. Never. In fact, it sounds like a really bad book.

I'm telling you, leave it be! This is not a good situation for you, or her. Furthermore, I think you need to spend some time, alone, considering what went wrong and how your actions contributed to that downfall.

Just think, had you acted in another way: you'd have been dating and, perhaps, in love by now. Think on why that did not happen.

Good luck.

[brent.0987]

Its because I see us as still in the process of "talking" and getting to know each other. Like I said before, I don't rush into relationships, I want to be sure that we both really like each other and are ready to cmmit etc. That's why I'm debating if/when she contacts that I should continue talking to her because we are in the "talking stage" with feelings and fooling around. I hate rushing into a relationship. Similar thing happened with my exgf of 5.5 years, took about 9 months before we actually became official but there was a period where we didn't talk to each other for about 2 or 3 months.

I don't know if everyone is understanding where I'm coming from and what my dilema is? I know I have feelings for her, but I'm not ready to go out with her, but I could def see us going out eventually. Im hurting now because I haven't talked to her for a week and feel like if she does contact I shouldn't completetly ignore her like it was an xgf and maybe should see where it goes considering what stage we were at when we were talking.

I could handle your honest opinions on what you think I should do, I know its probably a little different than what your used to reading on these forums... but just so we stay focused on what exactly is my dilema, its if I should flat out ignore everything because of how she's flipped flopped with how she feels recently or if I should respond when she contacts but always let her initiate and see where that goes... if I can't handle it then il know to go right back to pure no contact, but I'm just afraid part of the reason I'm hurting is for me beign mad with myself on not giving it a chance especially if she contacts me again after this little time off together and me ignoring her last contact a week ago about how she was thinking about me before bed

[brent.0987]

No trust me I know when I feel for someone and its not simply because of the attention or sex... I know myself, I know I've be a little slut latetly lol but that's because I was with 1 girl for over 5 years and one thing that bothered me during my relationship was wondering what it would be like with other girls... now that I've been with quite a few I feel like I'm almost ready to be with someone I really like... and I def really like this girl for who she is

[talaniman]

Dude, you have 17 women, she is but one, you use each others bodies for comfort, there is no relationship, none. You either keep doing it, or you don't, because all you are doing now is playing mind games with yourself.

Your bodies may be attached, but obviously you have no clue about how to connect your minds, so don't be fooled about what your body tells you. And what makes you so unique from the others who post here that are confused about their own feelings, and what to do about them?

You want to unconfuse yourself? Stop having sex with her, and see what else you have going! Heck she may have 17 guys on a string, and you are just one. For sure, while you are wondering she is doing her thing, whatever it is. And for sure, you cannot build relationship on just good sex, because lust fades, but love grows, with or without lust!

So you may as well enjoy your lust, because when its gone, she will be to. Maybe that's your dilemma, she hasn't contacted you in 7 days, and your lust has you wondering, and hoping. Well you do have the other 16 to hook up with, if I was dumb enough to believe that.

You have no dilemma, just tripping off your own ego, and your own confused mind, or else YOU would be doing your own thing, instead of worrying what to do about hers. Your real problem is being honest with yourself, then you would be confused, and trying to have all those female bodies to use for the short term, and start unpacking your baggage from the last break up.

Only then will the confusion end, and you would know what to do with this female who is such a good easy lay, with no strings attached, or risks to take. Its an easy fix, but first you have to tell the little head to shut up, and think with the big head, the one on your shoulders.

You are just mad because she hasn't called you in 7 days. My money is you won't make 10 days before you are the one doing the contacting.

[BMI]

I dont know if every1 is understanding where im comming from and what my dilema is? I know i have feelings for her, but im not ready to go out with her, but i could def see us going out eventually.

Oh yes, no one here has ever seen any situation quite as complex and strange as this one. :rolleyes:

This line here: 'I know I have feelings for her, but I'm not ready to go out with her, but I could def see us going out eventually'

This is your problem in your words? If so, it's got to be one of the silliest things I've ever read on here. Save for the one I read about where some guy stated that he scored allll these women (17, I think) yet still needed us to advise about girl problems.

Listen, man. I don't mean to poke fun but that is not really true, either:) We ARE trying to help here. Trust me when I tell you most on here have seen this and advise because they know where it is heading. It is not for lack of knowing every little detail that make people respond the way they do, it's because of experience.

Your situation is no different than many others. That does not mean you are not unique (I'll say!) but the situation is similar and so is the result. T-man has given you the perspective, you either believe it to be sound advice or you continue trying to convince people on here that they are missing valuable information.

What else can anyone say other than I'd put a $10 on T-man's prediction you don't make day 10:)

[brent.0987]

Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

1) for the 17 other girls, I said I've hooked up with 17 since I've been single the last year and a half, its not that I'm talking to 17 all at once right now

2) with this new girl, its not about just the sex, we talk everyday (not the last 7 lol) we go for supper, shopping, I help her with school, movies, just go for a drink or coffee together. Its not about just the sex, I know I like this girl for who she is... I will say yes she is a knockout, but so were a lot of the others but I didn't like who they were as much as I do her... this ones is so sweet to me and loves to tease me which I love in a girl and I also tease her which she also loves.. I could also be my complete self with her, I feel very comfortable in her presence and we could have fun doing anything

Its my fault I probably didn't make it clear that yes we do have a relationshio outside the sex stuff. Im actually the only person she truly only trusts in her life as she is experiences family and friend problems at the moment. Im always there for her, just 2 weeks ago, she was in my arms crying about how her friends treat her badly.

[brent.0987]

I'm not worried about me breaking no contact, if I was able to go cold turkey on my ex-gf of 5.5 years, I'm pretty sure I could do this... the no contact is to give her the opportunity to stop talking to me, and if she decides to initiate after everything that you saw I wrote, then it might tell me she still sees potential... im not trying to convince people here of anything lol, I'm honestly just giving you guys all the info I have and really want to know what you guys think I should... stick to cold turkey or if she contacts respond... or what you guys think will happen if I do one or the other

[talaniman]

Not sure what the NC is all about, but if you are afraid of being hurt, or taking the risk of being hurt, I fail to see your point. These are not the actions of a healthy male who likes someone.

[BMI]

How can you purport to know how NC works and then qualify that by saying A/ you've done it before and B/ you're pretty sure you can do it this time as well.

The fact that you want advice ,from proponents of NC no less, asking whether you should accept contact from her is proof positive you have no idea what NC is.

Nobody has ever said go NC but if she messages you, go for it. At least not by any reputable user here.

Too much to go into all the glaring discrepancies, weaknesses and contradictions in your story. You know what people are saying just like we know very well what you meant by the 17 girls. (You seem to think everyone misunderstands what it is you are trying to convey, trust me, everybody knows)

Best of luck, dude.

[BMI]

I left an answer to one of your questions out, namely what I think would happen if you did one thing as opposed to the other. As follows:

1. You accept contact from her: You're a fool and end up back here with a whole new story.

2. You do what we suggest: You're still a fool but at least not when applied to this specific (post our advice) situation. :)