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Susie356 · May 7, 2011, 05:54 PM

The man I am having an affair with has been married for 9 years. After the first 2 years of his marriage his wife was filing for divorce and found out at that time she was pregnant. He decided to do what he thought was right and stay with her to raise their child. Each lived in separate homes on the same property. He has lived a separate life for 7 years now. We had known each other for 5 years until my husband passed away last year and we started seeing each other. We fell deeply and passionately in love. I was married for 32 years to the same man and have never felt such a emotional and physical connection with anyone like this. I truly feel he is my soulmate. He moved in with me and we were going to start our life together. His wife found out and he was so concerned of losing his son that he decided to try to repair the marriage. We can't be without each other.There marriage is only one of financial and child support. We will continue to have our love affair. Divorce isn't an option at this time.Everyone's situation is different. And we are doing what we feel is right for us. Why wasn't the wife working on her marriage all along? They have not lived as husband and wife for many years.

talaniman · May 7, 2011, 07:16 PM

If I had the authority, I would get you tested for drug use. Any one thinking a spouse can stop another from a lawful court ordered visitation is a fool who knows nothing about the law.

Get real, he knew it was cheaper to keep her and you were in the bag so your soul mate was thinking only of his ***, because yours was in the bag any way.

Sorry to be mean and cruel, but facts speak for themselves and you have allowed yourself to be put on the second step, by a scumbag that has his cake and is enjoying it, as he "repairs" his marriage.

A soul mate would have divorced his wife, and gotten custody, or visitations, and married you. Not taken the path of least resistance. So while you put the wife down, and wonder why she is standing in the way of your happiness, wonder also why divorce is not his option now!! I doubt if it will ever be.

Sorry not to believe you, or your soul mate, justifying the BS you call love. Now pee in the bottle please so we can get to the bottom of this bizarre thinking. But then you knew someone was going to call you on your thinking is why you posted on this forum. Right??

Every ones situation is different, but dumb behavior is not unique it seems, in affairs of the heart. Sorry again, but that's as nice as I intend to be, and hope you appreciate me biting my freakin' tongue, but this just ain't healthy, and no good will come of it for any of you!

Can't you see that?? If you can't its got to be drugs!

amicon · May 8, 2011, 12:27 AM

Everyone's situation may be different,but there are a number of themes that keep replaying themselves-one is:

Cheating husband sweet talks foolish woman into believing they're soulmates,then stays in his marriage'.

Have you spoken to his wife?

I'd love to hear her side of the story...

Jake2008 · May 8, 2011, 04:55 AM

I'm a little bit confused.

You were married for 32 years, and fell in love with a man who (I think) must be much younger than you? When you mention that he's worried about losing his son, how old is his son, and how old is he?

32 years speaks highly of your ability to stay with one person, and make a marriage work, and work successfully and I congratulate you on that. Many who measure their relationships in months, don't have a clue what it takes to make a marriage work.

The main issue, is fidelity. While you remained faithful to one man for 32 years until he died, I have to wonder why you would choose to have a new relationship with a married man. That seems to be such a contradiction.

You painted a picture of your lover as quite a dismal one. He's in a loveless marriage, lives in a separate residence on the same property as his wife and child, and the marriage as one essentially of obligation, not love. Yet, when he moved in with you, it was not the same commitment you made to him, that he was able to make to you. Indeed, he returned to his family, as you said, to try to make his marriage work.

You ask why she didn't try harder to have a successful marriage with her husband, but, apparently it must have been good enough for him to go back, and the two of them are trying to make their marriage work now. And that is what really matters as far as you are concerned, in his life now. He chose her, not you.

It really doesn't matter what you believe or don't believe about their marriage, past or present. You are in no position to judge her, he is her husband. But she is in a position to judge you. If this situation had happened to you 20 years ago, and you were the one being cheated on, what would you think of the other woman. And you are now the other woman yourself.

I think that you have bought a story from this man. One that paints a picture of a lonely man in a loveless marriage, looking for love with someone, who (now) wishes a mistress, rather than a life partner. He wants his marriage, and he wants you on the side, that is how this relationship has worked out.

If you want to be 'the other woman' and accept that your decisions now are right and honourable, then carry on with the odd secret booty call, and know that his marriage comes first, and you come second. You could wait until his child is an adult and waste your life on hope and dreams of a future then, but what will you see when you look back on your life. Was it worth the wait? Was he worth the wait? Was it a good choice to continue an affair with a married man?

One of the things that personally bothers me the most is how women who choose to have affairs with married men, show so little respect toward the woman who is married to the man in the middle. While you have all the qualities of what it takes to make a long term marriage work yourself, you have now completely abandoned your principles and other qualities, to justify continuing this affair. Why would you do this to another woman.

I hope that you will consider counselling for yourself, because this is really all about the decisions you make, with your own life, and the people you choose to have in your life. Think of yourself first, and realize that, no married man is worth having an affair with, under any circumstances.

Susie356 · May 8, 2011, 08:33 AM

Yes I have spoken to the wife. She is a very unhappy woman and has been for many years. She was the one early in the marriage who started divorce proceedings. Then surprise, she got pregnant. The only reason she needs her husband is to pay the bills so she doesn't have to work. She wants to stay at home to care for her 7 year old son. Why would she stay in a marriage for over seven years that had no love. She simply cannot make it on her own.

Susie356 · May 8, 2011, 08:54 AM

He is 3 years older than myself. He was in the process of slowly working his way out of the marriage by asking for parenting plans from her which she would not agree with. I did not know that he was married or had a son when we got together. He was not looking to fall in love or be in a relationship. I had known his for 5 years and it was I who pursued his friendship after my husbands death. He was slowly and carefully trying to leave his marriage in hopes that it would be taken care of before we got seriously involved. As for the other woman, I have no respect for her.She sees the unhappiness in her husband, in her child and in herself. Why must people live in misery. Wouldn't it be better to set themselves free so they all could find a bit of happiness in their lives? Why pretend to be happy just because you have a child together. She won't divorce him since he pays her way completely. She only works part time and could not support herself.

redhed35 · May 8, 2011, 10:01 AM

If he wanted to leave and be with you he would, he chooses not too, he chose his wife and child, his marriage.

I'm sure one of you has brought up the fact that should they divorce his wife would not be left high and dry, financially speaking.

Your putting lot of blame on his wife when you're the mistress, you are the one in the way not her.

Another point, if they had sex while in the middle of filing for divorce is it not possible that they still are?

I'm just wondering what excatly is your question?

Is it why his wife did not work on their marriage all along? she was not the only one there, he was there too and played a part in the break down,too try justify the affair by saying its her fault is, well, unfair.

Sounds like a text book affair, (my wife does not understand me, I'm staying for the sake of the child, someday we'll be together but I really really love you! Yada yada yada)

You fell for the line and your still falling for it.

The only way to happiness that you subscribe too is for you to walk away and look for that happiness yourself, too give them a chance and too give yourself a chance.

talaniman · May 8, 2011, 01:28 PM

The feelings don't matter in face of the facts, the wife is calling the shots, and he is going along with it, and you are odd one out!

mmresd · May 8, 2011, 04:58 PM

By the sound of things it seems like he has just been stringing you along for a while, and in the meantime, has been using the wife excuse. Leave a married man alone, he is off limits to you. Go find someone who is going to do what they can to be with you not feed you BS.

Good luck,
Javi

Fr_Chuck · May 8, 2011, 05:27 PM

Of course he can get a divorce, all he has to do is give her the house and agree in court to pay for everything.

DoulaLC · May 8, 2011, 05:53 PM

You are trying to justify your actions of cheating with a married man. "Why wasn't the wife working on the marriage all along"? Why were you sleeping with a married man? It doesn't matter if you didn't know it at first, once you did know it, you should have ended it. He wasn't, and still isn't, free to be with you. Neither one of you should have allowed yourselves to be in that situation.

If he wanted a divorce, he could get one. You are in the classic situation with a cheater who wants it both ways. It's a win-win situation for him to drag things out as long as possible.

You're not the first woman to fall for a man like that... nor will you be the last. Hopefully you will gather some dignity and do the right thing for everyone involved.

mystific · May 8, 2011, 06:11 PM

As for the other woman, I have no respect for her.She sees the unhappiness in her husband, in her child and in herself. Why must people live in misery. Wouldn't it be better to set themselves free so they all could find a bit of happiness in their lives? Why pretend to be happy just because you have a child together. She won't divorce him since he pays her way completely. She only works part time and could not support herself.

Well I can't say that your comments or want/need to be with this man irrespective of situation is endearing any respect either.

Fact: He's Married
Fact: He hasn't left her
Fact: He won't move on with his life

You are like a dog with a bone. Unfortunately, another dog has it. And as much as you want it it's in the next garden, and you won't get it.

This guy is a spineless jerk. Why can't you see that?! He lead you on, firstly by not being honest with you when you first met by telling you he was married, secondly even AFTER you knew he was he still continued and THEN went back to his 'wife'.

You are completely self deluded. Leave the man and wife alone to their own misery. Let them sort out their own business without the mistress being involved.

Oh.. just for a laugh, when she was 'filing for divorce'.. she then found out she was pregnant. Yes, yes I can see how miserable they both must be.. they still have time to have a quickie on his way out the door to you.

Food for thought. Or meal for 3. I can see you're so self involved with the thought of being with this man, nothing anyone will say will change your mind.

No one understands. This is different. I'm not a homewrecker. I'm not breaking up a marriage or family. He is sincere. He loves me.

Repeat this 100 times to yourself, see if it still rings true at the end.

kcomissiong · May 9, 2011, 05:26 PM

If he loved you, he would divorce his wife to be with you... its called a custody order, he can still see his child, and pay spousal support if she relly can't live without him.
You need to fae the fact that you come second. What HIS WIFE wasnts is first. That is why she is his wife, and you are the woman sleeping with a married man. I widh that you would look at your own marriage, and wonder how violated you would feel if some woman started sleeping with your husband, and blaned you for her unhappiness.

You need to get real. He wants to be with his wife and keep you on the side and you are agreeing to it. If he were so unhappy, he would leave. And you have the AUDACITY and UNMITIGATED GALL to blame her? You are the other woman. If you are content to be the other woman in this married man's life, at least know your place, which will always be second to his wife. If you actually would like to pursue a relationship with a man who values your commitment and loves you equally, you run like hell, take time to heal from this relationship, as well as the death of your spouse, and try to move on, instead of fixing your hurt with another woman's husband. I suspect that you are clinging to him so strongly because it was your rebound relationship after the loss of your longtime spouse. You admit that he is a cheater and a liar. What kind if life could you possibly build with him?