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geeee · May 5, 2011, 06:55 AM

I knew a girl through a dating website for about 3-4 months, she lives in another country, now we are close friends as she says we share photos, problems we have and so, I asked for her mobile no. she gave me and I call her every now and then, she missed me when I was away for a week, now I felt that I'm falling in love with her, I like every thing in her (how she look, personality,. ) we see each other online nearly everyday, today I told her that I want to see her and I will come to her as I have a vacation for 2-3 days, I think she was so happy and surprised, then she asked me a question ( what is the subject of the visit) I asked why you ask that question, then she said in an indirect way that she is afraid that I ask her for something like marriage or love, she just wanted to share good time and fun with me as a close friend, please help me, tell me what should I do and what shouldn't I do, I want her as a wife and I don't want to loose her as a close friend also ? Maybe she don't know me that much or maybe she wants to take time as she was engaged to a guy for 4 years and she was in love with him as he was the one who breakup with her from a year?
Maybe you can ask me questions for more details as you can put me on the line

kctiger · May 5, 2011, 07:04 AM

May I ask what is your culture? Online relationships can lead to a lot of ambiguous and vague feelings. It's hard to put a label one something when you've never even met face to face. Are you in a hurry to get married? 3-4 months of electronic dating is hardly enough time to judge whether you should spend the rest of your life with a person.

geeee · May 5, 2011, 07:11 AM

I am a north African and she is too and I just wanted to express the feelings towards her, as she is the one I have been looking for, I know the time is not enough to judge but she always gave me the feeling that she is interested in me, and she is happy that I'm coming to spend time with her, but as a close friend she said.

BMI · May 5, 2011, 07:17 AM

I think she noticed the same thing people on this forum have, and will, gather from your writing: The language comes across as being way too forward, way too soon.

You've already mentioned she is the one, you want her for your wife, you are using vacation time to see her, etc. That, my friend, is enough to warrant her questions.

I think you need to step back and take things at a much slower pace, as she seems to suggest. I'm no fan of internet dating; however, if done, approach it with caution and do not get so involved right away.

Remember, you've not even seen her yet!

kctiger · May 5, 2011, 07:17 AM

I can't speak to how it is done where you are from. I also don't consider myself worldly enough to do so. On that note, I will offer my two cents. Start as friends. Get to know each other and have fun letting that bond develop. Things can change once two people actually meet, face to face, for the first time. The best part about a relationship is getting to know the person you have an interest with.

geeee · May 5, 2011, 07:27 AM

Thanks for the answer, I know I am in a rush in everything in my life, and I know I have to be patient and I will do so, should I step backwards from seeing her or just backward from the feelings, does she look like she will be interested in a step forward in our relation afterwards

geeee · May 5, 2011, 07:32 AM

Thanks for the answer, its so helpful. But I have another question is there any hope that this relation steps forward from friendship to another? And what should I do for that? And also what shouldn't I do?

BMI · May 5, 2011, 07:51 AM

In response to your questions, I don't think the meeting is a bad thing nor do I think you can step back from liking her, you've already demonstrated that you do.

What I will suggest is holding back with some of the language you are using. I think you're emotions are coming out of your mouth right now and that has given her pause. As KC noted above, start (and ACT) like friends when you meet.

Treat it as a first date with someone you have met and gone out with. You'd not go on a first date and talk about marriage and love, would you? Probably not. Same thing here, you have spoken to her but you've never met so keep your cards close to you and see how things progress.

Best of luck.

geeee · May 5, 2011, 08:05 AM

You two are the best and I owe you, and I will contact you again when I'm back from the visit.
Thanks again

talaniman · May 5, 2011, 09:22 AM

You want romance she sees you as a friend. You want more, she doesn't. Your feelings have taken over, and are ignoring what she is telling you.

Forget romance, and relax as a friend. Especially given that you have never met, and see any small interest as an open door for more. Personally, I don't think you can be a friend, because your hopes are higher, and judgment way off, and a visit will only get you deeper into wanting what you cannot have at this time.

Typical of smitten youth with such high hopes, that you will become all enamored and carried away by your feelings in face of any facts that may be in front of your face. Thankfully, she has her head on straight, and won't let you get to far, to fast, and that will hurt an impatient lad as yourself. But you will learn a lesson in self control, and discipline, that will help you in the future.

So no need to update us about your hurt feelings that she didn't agree to marry you, or rejected your heartfelt feelings of love. If that's what you are going to visit her for, STAY HOME! Just curious where you expect to stay when you visit her country??

geeee · May 5, 2011, 03:33 PM

The problem is that I know everyword you said, and I think that's why I am discussing my issues with all of you, I know you are professional in that so I will take with your words because I need some one to wake me up from what I am in and after all these advices I received from you all I took the decision of being just a friend to her and I won't ruin this wounderful relation between us she is a very nice person and I'm not going to loose her, maybe when she comes and ask for something at that point I will leave my feelings to express, I will practice self control and I will go once and twice and she will come too as she said also but all as close friends, don't worry I willnot send any bad new on the website only good news

talaniman · May 5, 2011, 07:33 PM

Thank you for your kind words. Often I find that people get so carried away by intense feelings, they miss the fun, and ruin any future fun, by being impatient, and impetuous. Taking measured steps allows for better adjustments to changing situations, and feelings.

Hey you may as well enjoy people and life, and what's the hurry to get so far out on a limb you cannot get back when it proves not to be strong enough to bear your weight.

Too much, too fast, crash and burn!!!

Talaniman Rule - Never give your heart to a stranger, until the have proved they deserve it, and know what to do with it.

Half the fun is getting to know people, both males and females, especially females, even if it doesn't go as far, or as long as you want it to. Cool,calm, and collected, and under control, is the way to proceed.

geeee · May 6, 2011, 07:33 AM

Thanks for the advice the main important part was Cool,calm, and collected, and under control, is the way to proceed and that what I wanted to hear

mmresd · May 6, 2011, 10:21 AM

You are moving to fast, calm down and allow her to request your presence stop pushing yourself on her or you will end up pushing her away. Just chill and take a step back before she starts reacting negatively towards you. She has given you a heads up, your lucky to get that because with online relationships requesting to meet is a big deal. Also keep in mind that she has indirectly rejected you and that she (as you said yourself) does not seem ready to have a serious relationship yet as she just wants to be your "friend". Don't obsess over someone online the way you are doing because it can lead to a lot of heart break.

Good Luck,
Javi

geeee · May 15, 2011, 05:44 AM

Back again to the same subject, but this time there was some problems that delayed my visit to her, I will give you my view of the current relation as ( CLOSE FRIENDS ), we talk nearly every day and I always give her a phone call once or twice a week, and she is always happy when I contact her as she don't have friends out of her work to hangout with them and she feels lonely so I offered her my company and she is so happy with it, when we discussed the problem that will delay my visit, she offered to come and pay this visit from her work vacations till I can pay her my visit, she always talk about her life and how much she needs a serious relation and how she is feeling lonely so bad, I think that is because she lives away from her family and she just go to work and then home and nothing done to fill her space and only me that she talks with that much and gives attention to, she always miss me when I don't meet her online or give her a call for a while. So what does that mean from your view, as I am tacking with every advice you all gave me

DoulaLC · May 15, 2011, 05:54 AM

Go with the same advice as before. Keep your meeting fun and a time to get to know each other better.

She obviously likes you enough to want to come see you, but be careful not to rush things with her. Plan to show her some things in the area where you live. Maybe introduce her to some of your family and friends. Spend some quiet time together.

Once you are together in person, and have a chance to really talk face to face, you both will get a better idea as to where things might lead at some point.

Have fun and enjoy your time together!

talaniman · May 15, 2011, 06:06 AM

Before I give you an opinion, may I ask where you expect to stay if you visit her, and where will she stay if she visits you?

geeee · May 15, 2011, 06:10 AM

A near hotel to my house or to her house if I go for the visit

talaniman · May 15, 2011, 06:39 AM

I would like to say have fun, and keep a proper perspective as you both sound like you could easily get carried away by your feelings. Online is very different than in person, and lonely, or bored and needing someone, or something to do does not make for more, though the excitement and thrill of meeting will be intense.

You are still strangers to each other and it can be fun getting to know a stranger if you go slow, and not get carried away, and force something before its time.

So have a great time. Remember what she has told you already,

then she said in an indirect way that she is afraid that I ask her for something like marriage or love, she just wanted to share good time and fun with me as a close friend,

Establish some boundaries for yourself, starting with no high expectations. I doubt she falls in love after a few dates, but I have no doubt you will, and that's not a good position to be in. Don't get stuck!

Alty · May 15, 2011, 05:33 PM

I'll offer my two cents.

You said that she loves hearing from you, that she would like a serious relationship because she's lonely. Being lonely is a strong motivator.

She's lonely, you offer her company, she's relying on that. But, even though she's extremely lonely, and, as you yourself stated, looking for a seriously relationship, she wants you only as a friend.

If you're happy being just a friend, then continue the relationship, but don't count on it ever progressing to anything more. She's desperately lonely, yet even in her desperation she still just wants you as a friend. That's telling you exactly what she's looking for where you're concerned.